AFG Sallies

[Sonya Khatsworth]

Thanks for the comments and advice everyone, even if not all of it helps at least I'm happy to get this out ~

Art school is something I've basically avoided because the only two times I took art classes, I was WAY ahead of the work we had to do, which became boring pretty fast sitting around class doing nothing, or I was dreadfully behind, such as whenever I have to work with real media and my skills retract to the equivalent of a 4 year old's. It doesn't take a professional to see that my domain is CG art, sadly that's not what most art courses I've seen around here entail.

That, and I can't stand having a teacher. Or homework. I hated school for that, and about halfway through highschool I stopped doing any work alltogether. No class work, no homework, zippo. Just the projects I would be graded for, and I'd ace them with 90% or more. Being I passed everything with a good 20% more than any other student, the teachers would just let me be and allow me to draw in class and listen to music in the back without being bothered.

As for trying to do other stuff... well I've been trying. It's advice I've taken since last year, to try and focus on other things in life and let art come back to me. Work, talking long walks, videogames, music, cooking, even just laying on the couch listening to music or doing jack squat. Yet it's not... I spend so much time just sitting here at my desk, with my art posted around on the walls and all of my old stuff in my filing cabinet. It's an everyday pain, seeing it slip away like this, and lately with everything else I have on mind, it's only getting worse.

And that's how my facade slipped too. I'm pretty sure everyone who's ever messaged me on MSN got the usual "Goes well" when they ask me how it goes. I ALWAYS say that, or almost. I don't usually share my problems because I don't want to bother people with them, and instead just hide behind my wall of "happy" and try to sort things out on my own, but lately it just doesn't work out anymore. Problems only seem to be growing, and there's nothing being done about them.

I'm still jobless, having gotten no callbacks after losing that other job at the videostore with that boss that just couldn't make up her mind on what she wanted done, and ever since my parents have been getting on my case about being jobless. And it's not like I don't see that they only care about it so that they can "borrow" money from me again, as if they hadn't done it enough already. Everytime they're complaining about needing more money I tell them to get dad to stop rolling up and smoking 400$ per month with his cigarettes and beer, and I just get bitched at to get a job, which I've been trying to for 3 months now. But that's not easy in a town where there's about 3 times as many teens as there are jobs to be filled. -_-;

Then the psych I went to see for my transition didn't help either, going in circles about things I already know about myself as if I were reading my own personal psychological resume which I've already done so often, and I eventually just ended the counseling sessions with her because of that... that was almost 2000$ done the drain for absolutely nothing. She didn't even cover the subject of transition, and even avoided it every time I brought it up. This is the 3rd time I turn to psychs for help on the matter, and it's the 3rd time they get my money and I get nothing back, so I'm through with the quacks. Going on 18, I'll self-medicate for a month and call up the endos; they'll be forced to see me anyways instead of going on about needing psych approvals again; they can stuff their damn psychs up their asses, freakin' gawdawful medical system.

2 weeks now that I've been thinking about all this almost non-stop, and it's really tearing me down. This morning I woke up in the middle of the night crying holding the couch cushion close to me like I was hugging someone, and I just eyed the world map on the wall and hummed a soft tune until I fell asleep again. All the while, the only thoughts I had were to grab whatever I have left in my bank account and go to Ome, as I still have the box with his adress that he sent me the DS in. But that would never work out, and I'd probably get lost on the way; and even if I did get all the way to him, I'd then be piss-poor, look like s**t, and his parents would never accept us, let alone me after Ome told me what he overheard them talking about when it comes to transgendered folk.

So I turn to videogames as a way to escape my reality, to relax, to release myself. Playing SecondLife and FFXI lets me temporarily be the girl I wish I could be, while I have my sister around being almost a painful reminder of what I never was, as she really does seem to harbor the same personality I do, minus the gender issues. But now my parents are ven starting to pull the plug on my stuff in an attempt to use the games to bribe me into doing more chores around the house, and yesterday even went as far as cutting off the internet while I was playing a game with Ome, using even him as bait to get me to do what they want.

I just can't stay in this town any longer; yet I can't leave either because I can't afford it, and I can't even get a job to afford it. Life in general has just become one neverending Hell here, and I can't take it anymore. I've bottled up what I could, but everyone has a limit, and I broke mine months ago. My manners of release fall one by one, and the pressure only gets bigger. All I have left for me here are my cats, and I'm lucky my parents haven't done anything about them either, what with how much my mom bitches about them... ~