Talk Here (Spam Hut)

[Kieden]

 

[quaxcalibur]

Jingasm

I am in Eggman's boat, and thus, I feel buried and suffocated in such trivial matters such as bitchy stepmoms and car insurance payments. I really do hope that the future is brighter for you, and depending on your decisions and self-discipline, it can be.  

[lolsisi]

.. Wow. Jingasm.. I'm feeling so sorry for you.
Kieden too.. It seems that with most people the past brings up some times that you actually really want to leave behind.
Those things that happened when we couldn't do anything.
All we can do now is fight and let those things never happen again, right?  

[Balrog the Clown]

lolsisi

.. Wow. Jingasm.. I'm feeling so sorry for you.
Kieden too.. It seems that with most people the past brings up some times that you actually really want to leave behind.
Those things that happened when we couldn't do anything.
All we can do now is fight and let those things never happen again, right?

For some of us it's part of our job, but I won't explain unless asked. (I don't want to force unwanted depression upon people)

Jin, with everything you said I feel that you perhaps didn't mention the fact that you've made strides to overcome all this. You always seem so funny and enthusiastic and your art is utterly tits. (No pun intended) You seem like a very stable-minded up-beat person and that's what I feel is one of the biggest things people like about you.  

[lolsisi]

I'm asking you now. I want to understand. If you think its too much trouble upon other people I will be awaiting a PM.

And about what you said about Jingasm, I always see her as an enthusiastic and fun person. And most of all, also a member of the ABR and the hospital. So I respect her. But maybe this is just a small meaning of what is ment in general ^ ^;;  

[EnoughisEnoughisEnough]

Hey Jin,

You have no idea how much I empathize with your situation. If you ever wanna PM me, feel free. I had a hard childhood as well except my mom never divorced him.

It's tough to get over that stuff, I've come a long way due to being at school, being around awesome friends and being passionate about art. Acknowledge that it happened, acknowledge that nothing was your fault, acknowledge how it affected you and start thinking differently.

You can do anything, I'm serious-- don't ever let that s**t hold you back from being the lioness supernova that you are.  

[Balrog the Clown]

lolsisi

I'm asking you now. I want to understand. If you think its too much trouble upon other people I will be awaiting a PM.

And about what you said about Jingasm, I always see her as an enthusiastic and fun person. And most of all, also a member of the ABR and the hospital. So I respect her. But maybe this is just a small meaning of what is ment in general ^ ^;;

In this case, I'll post it in white as Jin did.

My first memory in life is my mom and dad arguing. After that the furthest back I remember is going through different nannies until my family got the one who eventually became my stepmother. (through common law marriage) She got a dog and trained the dog to attack my brothers and myself whenever she was angry. My dad abused alcohol and beat us a few times, but the nanny was the worst. She used weapons, like starter-logs for the chimney and what-not. She'd force me to eat far more food than my stomach could handle so I had health issues as well as weight issues. If I didn't eat it all she'd sick the dog on me and beat the tar out of me until I was damned near ready to eat my own vomit to make her stop. She would then make me wear tight clothes (with popped-off buttons) to school so I never really developed proper skills in making friends, but plenty in making enemies. I throw a few tantrums and eventually am diagnosed by some psychiatrist as being mildly psychotic. He tells my parents (I overheard him) that I'm more or less like a berserker, remaining calm until something hits the wrong button and then I suffer a massive rage-induced episode. I adopted atheism after religious therapy failed to help.

Years passed. My dad cleaned up, my nanny-turned-stepmother got cancer, and I started to believe in karma as a result. I got a job (at McDonalds) and thinned down a lot. Angst hit me hard as in high-school for the first two years I'm picked on repeatedly. My final two years looked a lot better but only because my twin and I were accused of planning a shooting. (we wore trench-coats, which back then was a red flag) Not so bad, really. Everyone kept a comfortable distance.

I began to feel a certain comfort from violence. Maybe it's the s**t the psychiatrist was talking about manifesting in other ways. I being my 'Kill Furries' pictures and partake in the first ABR. Violence becomes a coping mechanism as well as a slight passion.

Enlisted. Went to basic. (This is when things start getting kinda bad) I have a red-out in basic when a 33 year old Jamaican choke-slammed me. I barely remember it, but afterwords no one wanted to fight me. According to everyone else I somehow got up, broke a lock open with my bare-hands, and assaulted the guy with a training rifle in only five seconds. It took three guys to hold the Jamaican back. It took eight to restrain me before I snapped out of it. I confessed it to the drill sergeants and suffered little in the way of punishment.

My first deployment was an eye-opener in many ways. I had five friends die and had to help with the bodies in all cases. I had bullet holes in most of my ACU trousers from near-misses from AK and PKM fire. I grew apathetic about my own chances of survival. Eventually I just didn't a s**t about anything, whether I lived or died and whether or not I'd ever see home again. I made it out otherwise unscathed.

My platoon leadership would belittle me in front of the rest of the platoon, destroying the authority that was supposed to come with my rank. As a result of all this I begin to notice a larger infatuation with violence. Nothing I could think of is mellow or calming. I drew more violent s**t and think of even more brutal s**t that I could't even put on paper. The rest of my platoon, if not my company, thinks (still) that I'm disturbed. They might be right. I watch John Rambo (Rambo 4) and laugh at the village-slaughter scene. The kids getting killed especially humors me. I have *erotic* dreams about killing the people who piss me off even over mediocre things. Hatred and rage became a second second form of happiness for me. I can't remember the last time I thought about the word "love" in relation to myself. I decided not to worry about it and just be a weapon. Thing's just seemed easier that way.

I lend $12,000 to my parents just to find out my stepmother got my account info and stole an extra $10,000. She's now pissed at me for not giving her access to my new account and is threatening to bring down my little brother with her if she gets evicted. Somehow I'm to blame for her bad financial choices. I think she's actually suffering some form of mind-rot.

Second deployment. Been shot and and blown up more times than I can count, be it from RPGs or IEDs and in a few cases mortars. I stopped caring about surviving again but now I have soldiers I'm in charge of and I don't plan on letting them down. We get into fire-fights and oddly enough these events were the only time that life made any sense to me. Things became black-and-white. Kill or be killed. I can honestly say I not only enjoyed it but at times I never wanted it to end. My only request from it was that the enemy get close enough for me to KNOW I killed them. I wanted to watch them break into pieces as I shot them with whatever I had on hand. More IEDs followed all this when shooting failed them. One of my soldiers blew up in front of me but walkew away without a scratch. I thought that would be the worst of it. I thought wrong. Not long ago an IED caused half a building to collapse on half my platoon and we had to dig guys out. I help one with broken limbs and perform chest compressions on another. Results were only half good.

Most of my thoughts now revolve around unbridled brutality and violence. I actually have to make a conscious effort not to go on a killing-spree just for the sake of doing it. My concepts have become far more active in its violence and some of the humor I used to fit into it is also disintegrating. When asked what one might consider disturbing, I said "Chopping a small puppy open, pulling out its intestines, hanging a pregnant woman by said intestines as you stab her womb with a knife, and bathing in the running blood and birthing fluid and you choke yourself with one hand and masturbate with the other." I meant to it be a funny, if not improvised, response. Most of them just stared at me and told me to seek help fast. I couldn't stop laughing about it even though I don't remember finding it all that funny.

"Love" has entered my mind a few times for some odd reason but is quickly followed by despair. I don't expect much of myself in that area so I tend to try and ignore it. When I get back stateside I'll probably drown it in alcohol and video games. God bless distractions.

I've only a short amount of time left and I'm expected to ignore these events like they never happened to help keep everyone else calm. The saddest part is doing that is far easier than I imagined it would be: I already don't care about it. I feel nothing from it. I was told to expect anger, sadness, or guilt. Instead I feel apathy. I feel worn-out. I don't have a s**t to give. It's ******** up but my little web-forums are the most worth-while events I feel lately outside fire-fights. If I had internet on my own laptop so I could play internet games in my free-time I might never want to the war-zone. Well, maybe not to that full extent but other than the whole internet games thing and a few other trivial matters (easily fixed by online stores) I don't see anything desirable about returning stateside since it means I'm stuck doing garrison work, which is more like slow torture and death-by-bureaucracy than anything else. I don't dread it, however. I think I just go with the flow at this point and don't care where it takes me. It's like I'm just along for the ride and my admission requires me to be armed and dangerous.

To those who read all that I'm sorry it's so long. It's pretty much a rant at this point. Oh, and yes: Right now I feel like s**t. I have s**t I need to do and I don't plan on getting any sleep as a result.  

[Jingasm]

Thanks everyone for being so sympathetic. Leyli, I'll totally PM you some time. Sometimes I wonder how people survive so many things, it shows how strong a human heart can be.

Balrog, we've been friends online for a while, I'm sorry your childhood was as bad as it was. PM me and we can talk. :C


...Kieden: I saw that video on failblog a few days ago. XD  

[The Egg Man]

Sorry everyone is going through/ has gone through so much.

I'd just like to mention that seeing that such great artists have dealt with so much is pretty inspiring. Like, "they're so good through all of this s**t, the ******** am I doing?".
Makes a guy put things in perspective.  

[Dr.Genocide]

My story is less brutal to the extent of abuse and such the only entity that i feel has been out to get me throughout my life is God, assuming he exists.

I've had more life threatening run ins than the average person should have to go through, allow me to elaborate.

I grew up amongst a very caring immediate family, my mom and dad were good people, or at least it seemed that way from my perspective. My mom was and probably still is a drug abuser, she was when I left for college, and my dad as a result of my mother I'm sure, is an alcoholic and has gambling issues. I know these things sound very negative but regardless my parents both love me very much and I love them the same, sometimes substance abuse just can't be helped.

I recall getting into a fight my first day of kindergarten with a kid who somehow managed to flunk, he didn't like me right away and when he got a chance pushed me into a stack of blocks. As the teacher attempted to reprimand him I blinded the boys left eye by bashing him in it with one of the blocks I picked up. I didn't get into another school fight from then until 6th grade.

In between that gap was the first time my life was threatened. I caught pneumonia and got really sick, I was admitted into a hospital. I had to be operated on and I even died on the operating table momentarily. Obviously I pulled through from that.

I think I failed to mention that I grew up in Detroit, Michigan which has been nick named Murder City amongst other things. It's a very ghetto place in some areas and my very environment alone has threatened my existence. I've been shot at on several occasions, though I've only been shot once, I've been slashed but never stabbed with a knife, and I've been beaten by various blunt objects.

Ironically I've never lost a where I was up against more than 3 people, the only times I've lost a fights were the few times I was jumped by five or more people, but I always managed to walk away afterwards.

The second time I feel like God was trying to stop me was when I was struck by lightning. It didn't strike me directly, thank goodness, the lightning struck a nearby fence and then jumped to a metal baseball bat that I was holding at the time. I woke up in another hospital a few days after it happened, but to me it felt like a moments, I thought that was cool.

Throughout high school I had trouble making any real friends, people thought I could trust would turn their backs on me at any chance they got so I eventually developed a "******** you" mentality. I guess bullies felt the need to pick on kids who tried to keep to themselves because my first year of high school I was constantly provoked into fighting, despite my efforts to avoid them.

By my second year of high school I made a title for myself that I wasn't aware of until I switched schools the year following. People had been keeping tabs on my win streak and all the "tough guys" in my school wanted a crack at me. Again, I've never lost a fight so you guys know how that turned out.

During my second year of high school is when I realized I wanted to be an artist for a living so I also drew more than ever at that time. It was anime bullshit, but it was a start. When I first switched schools it was awesome, no one wanted to fight me, and my grades had finally sky-rocketed as i had nothing major stressing me out.

However, at the same time my associates where I lived (The people I considered "Ok" to hang out with in my neighborhood) got me into street fighting for money. Sort of a local underground fighting thing, it was a scary buisness but I made a lot of money around then so I kept doing it until the middle of my third year in high school when I broke my fist and was afraid that if I kept it up I wouldn't be able to draw anymore.

I finished High school with a 4.0 GPA and I already signed up for the college I'm currently attending in San Fran, CA. Right before I left though I got into an altercation with an older guy who had punched my (at the time) 8 year old nephew in the face because my nephew refused to get off the basketball court when he arrived. This was the last fight I was in, though it was more of a beat down than anything. I think I might have killed that guy but even now I don't care, he deserved it.

A few days after that I took off to California to pursue my dream to become a professional artist of some sort.

I really hope this isn't depressing to anyone, I'm not depressed in the least from all this. Can't control how life decides to play out, you just gotta try your best with the hand you've been dealt in my opinion.  

[The Egg Man]

Sorrysorrysorry
Glad you're all good with it, though.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

Inking with brush pens! I see great potential.
I was doodling Ragtime to warm up for the thing I'm making instead of a real response, and I decided to play with my seldom used brush pen.
I still kinda suck with it, but GODDAMN, the possibilities!
I'll upload my results by this weekend.

Also, Jingasm, what's the difference between the guild in your sig and this one?  

[Balrog the Clown]

Even I feel now that we're throwing in a lot of angsty posts in here. I totally didn't mention all the good things that keep me going, like friends and what-not.

Also, and this is me calling it as I see it, we're starting to come to the point where perhaps people are competing for shittiest life or something. I will NOT claim mine's the worst. The fact that I usually feel happy (even if it's insanity induced or whatever) tells me this. As such I'm almost sorry for posting what I did. However, I felt a little better afterwards for getting it all out so I suppose it wasn't such a bad thing.

Dr. G, look at it like this: You can honestly say you have every reason to believe you can beat the living s**t out of anyone in the ABR in an unarmed fight. I can only say this about guns. If you had me (in the ABR) up against a wall with no guns or weapons, I know I'd be ******** and let it play out. (That's how you keep the ABR interesting)

Egg Man, I can see why you'd want to change the subject. Honestly I don't blame you. Eventually this thread would have become something else entirely and God forbid a mental health expert look at it. (I could say that already, however)

Brush pen? What do you normally use? When I use Corel I am pretty much forced to use the paint brush for all inking and line work. I've yet to see a good, viable alternative unless I simply haven't looked hard enough.  

[Kieden]

I kinda feel bad; thinkin I started this in a way! I should've just made it more plain and simple...er!. At least we did get some s**t off our chests razz


Yo docta, I been to Detroit before! I don't know why, but what ever state I go to I end up in the ghetto, I'm pretty sure if I go to Africa I'll end up in Zimbabwe >:I

And speaking of choke slams, I remember I choke slammed this one p***k into a glass door that just shattered to s**t, he kicked my back in the hall way...twice. s**t was hilarious, turned out the kid was my neighbor >:B

Yo egg....brush tips are crisp, that would be a great move!  

[Dr.Genocide]

Well I don't think my life has been shitty at all, I've had a lot of hardships but they build character. Besides, I'm becoming a pretty badass artist now!  

[lolsisi]

I don't think anybody would want to call their life shitty. But some have just been through a lot of stuff, that's something we are sure of now.

And the ABR is really staying interesting because nobody would act the same. Because this gaia really is a little 'yourself'. right?

Much of you have been through a lot, and you are still here. But amazing artists is really a title you all disurve. And that's something to be proud of, isnt it? ^ ^