Lines You'll Never Hear

[Missing00]

Cookie: And here you go Tab. *gives food*
Tab: What about Banthy, he's hungry too.
Cookie: Sweetie Banthy is a stuffed toy.
Tab: But Banthy-
Cookie: Oh you are so cute. *Pats Tabs head and walks away.*
Tab: *to Banthy* They dont belive Banthy, what should I do?
Banthy: Burn them, burn them all!  

[Darkened Angel]

Tab: That's it! Banthy, we're gonna hijack the ship and go to Coruscant. * stabs everyone with a vibroknife *

( later )

Cookie: Should we...?
Jag: It's for the best.
Tab: ( tied down to her bed ) Coruscant is AMAZING! Coruscant is AMAZING...  

[Missing00]

Jag: There is absolutly no way you are staying on my ship.
Tab: Are you sure? wink
Jag: Well Im sure we can work out some sort of deal. *picks up Tab*
Tab: *giggle*
Jag: *about to kiss Tab*
Jag: *wakes up in bed* Ahh! That was weird
Tab: Come back to bed Jaggy.
Jag: Ahhh!
Cale: *wakes up in bed* Ahh! That was messed up.
Missing: Come back to bed Cale.
Cale: Ahhh!
Missing: *wakes up in bed* Ahh! What a nightmare.
DA: What's wrong? you feeling up to it again?
Missing: Now this is what Im talking about.
Skuld: *wakes up in bed* ...WTF?! That's the last time I eat day old pizza before I go to bed.

Edit: I made it better  

[Jaden_Ordo]

Missing nin Itachi

Jag: There is absolutly no way you are staying on my ship.
Tab: Are you sure? wink
Jag: Well Im sure we can work out some sort of deal. *picks up Tab*
Tab: *giggle*
Jag: *about to kiss Tab*
Jag: *wakes up in bed* Ahh! That was weird
Tab: Come back to bed Jaggy.
Jag: Ahhh!
Cale: *wakes up in bed* Ahh! That was messed up.
Missing: Come back to bed Cale.
Cale: Ahhh!
Missing: *wakes up in bed* Ahh! What a nightmare.
DA: What's wrong? you feeling up to it again?
Missing: Now this is what Im talking about.
DA: *wakes up in bed* ...WTF?! That's the last time I eat day old pizza before I go to bed.

rofl rofl  

[Darkened Angel]

Cookie: Okay, for lunch, I guess I'll cook up some bantha breakfast biscuits. However, I wanna add some extra spices. * fixes it up, starts to put it all into an autochef *
Jag: Are you sure you should be doing that?
Cookie: Hey, who's the master chef here?
Jag: Alright then, you know best... * backs up a bit *

* explosion noise *

Cookie: Oh kriff! Not again! * starts slamming the biscuit monster with her case *
Jag: I told you.
Cookie: Shut up and get a frag grenade or something!  

[Sol Walker]

Voice Over: And now an appeal for sanity from the Dark Lord Nakara.
(Cut to studio. Nakara is sitting facing camera. He has a lightsaber in his head.)

Nakara: You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like you and me who are out of our tiny little minds to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of pudding going 'squawk, squawk, squawk...' And then you can go 'Neurhhh! Neurhh!' and then you can roll around on the floor going 'pting pting pting' ... (he rolls around on the floor)

Voice Over: The Dark Lord Nakara is the Sith Lord of Ord Loony-Up-The-Cream-Bun-and-Jam-tooine. And now an appeal on behalf of the Galactic Trust.
(Caption on screen: 'AN APPEAL ON BEHALF OF THE GALACTIC TRUSS' Cut to a smartly dressed rubber ducky.)

Darth Ducky: Squeek squeek. Squeek squeek squeek Squeek Squeek-squeek. Squeek, squeek squeek squeek squeek squeek-squeek-squeek, "squeek squeek Squeek Squeek-squeek-squeek squeek squeek squeek-squeek squeek-squeek squeek squeek squeek Squeek-squeek-squeek Squeek?" Squeek-squeek. Squeek squeek squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek squeek squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek squeek-squeek. Squeek squeek-squeek squeek squeek squeek-squeek-squeek, squeek squeek squeek squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek squeek squeek squeek squeek. Squeek squeek-squeek squeek-squeek squeek. Squeek squeek squeek squeek-squeek squeek squeek squeek squeek-squeek squeek-

(Pash looms out of the shadows behind the duck and stabs him)

Dark Ducky: SQUEEK! Squeek.....squee...eek. (starts sparking mechanically)
Pash: A decoy! Who would ever think of making a decoy?! Of a Duck?!

Ardee: (Walks on) Sorry, Pash. But your target is in another castle.

Pash: Curses! The Duck and his master have eluded me again!

Nakara: (Offscreen) I'm over here!

Pash: All this time spent tracking down Nakara and his disciple...

Nakara: (Offscreen) Can he really not see me?

Pash: ...and now I'm back to square one! Blast!

Nakara: (Offscreen) Seriously. I'm just over here.

Pash: Come, Ardee. We need to leave and rethink our strategies. Time to withdrawl. (Blends back into the shadows)

Ardee: Yeah yeah. (Walks off)

(Sounds of walking)

Ardee: (Offscreen) Excuse me.

Nakara: (Offscreen) Not a problem.

(More walking. Sounds of a door opening, lights going off. Door shutting)

Nakara: (In the dark after a few minutes) Anyone still there?.... I can't seem to get off the floor for some reason....almost as if someone spilt...some kind of adhesive here...

(Red lightsaber ignights, illuminating the features of a cowled bath toy.)

Nakara: (Still offscreen) Ducky! Thank the Dark side you've returned! I've Fallen and I cant get up! Give me a hand!....or a wing. Or whatever.

Ducky: (Ominously) Squeek.

Nakara: (Hasn't moved) What do you mean no?! Get over here and....You. You put the adhesive here, knowing that if I were to successfully impersonate Graham Chapman's performance in the Silly Vicar sketch I'd have to roll around on the ground here! I knew I should have suspected something when you went off script!

Ducky: Squeek.

Nakara: (Still cant see him.) And the decoy. You used it to escape the assassin's blade, knowing full well the Jedi Shadow would strike you down because for some reason he is unable to notice when I am right in front of him which in turn is an obvious nod to Darth Sideous' future invisibility to the Jedi Counsel! You knew you'd be the one to die!

Ducky: Squeek.

Nakara: (Still still cant see him) Now you've come to kill me. To eliminate your master as is the way of the Sith teacher and apprentice. All this scheming, all this plotting, all this to make me vulnerable so you could make your move and take over.

Ducky: Squeek.

Nakara: (Take a guess) I am impressed, saddened and proud. Impressed at your cunning and resourcefullness, saddened that our relationship must come to a head, and proud that I have raised such a worthy disciple. But you have made a mistake, Darth Ducky, in thinking that I will submit so easily!

(Lighting flashes towards Ducky, but the floating bath toy sucks and zooms off screen. Sounds of intense battle featuring lightsaber noises, thunder, blaster shots, crashes, bangs, squeeks and the ocasional ewok battlecry can be heard and it all sounds rather exciting. Almost a shame you people are missing it. Then theres silence. The camera pans over and Darth Ducky is sitting upon the charred and dicected corpse of Nakara, saber still lit as smoke curls from Nakara's wounds.)

Ducky sad eyes turn sith yellow) Quack.

(Star wars credits roll and end music plays)  

[Darkened Angel]

Laura: Would you prefer a... HAMBURGER!? * pulls out a burger and offers it *
Mareal: Yes, I vould.
Laura: I like your accent, by the way.
Mareal: Why thank ya, mon.
Laura: ... What?
Mareal: Voo have zee prahbleem vith grahteetood?
Laura: ...
Mareal: Y'all git somthan' in yer ears?
Laura: What's up with you switching accents?
Mareal: Whatever dost thou meaneth?
Laura: Nevermind. You want the burger with bacon, or without?
Mareal: бекон.
Laura: Drink too?
Mareal: .uoy knaht ,seY
Laura: Oh come on, that's just backwards talk.  

[Sol Walker]

Scenes from The Light, the Dark, and the Ugly

Eli Tupilev: The name of the cemetery is ... (hesitating) .. Boz Pity. Now it's your turn.
Jag Rohtul: The name on the grave is ... Cleigg Lars.
Eli Tupilev: Cleigg Lars? You sure?
Jag Rohtul: Yeah. Sure I'm sure.

----------------
(Later, as Jag rides into the sunset after cheating Eli)

Eli: Mandie! Mandie! You know what you are? ...You're just a dirty son of a [Music score plays and cuts him off]  

[Sol Walker]

(Passing through Nar Shaddaa airspace)
Kaleb: Captain, you sure we should be doing this? I mean, This is kinda the bad neighborhood of the Galaxy.

Jag: Relax. We're perfectly safe. The Ruusan's hull is solid as a rock. Besides its important you new crewmembers to learn a thing or two about the underside of the galaxy. Trust me.

(Outside, a light freighter is suddenly blown apart by Rodian Pirates)

Jag: Alright crew, roll 'em up.  

[Darkened Angel]

Jag: Who's bad? * moonwalks across the room *
Laura: You are, at moonwalking. 1st off it's * moonwalks as well *
Jag: Oh yeah, well try this. * spins around several times without stopping *
Laura: Show off! * kicks Jag in the nuts *
Jag: OW! * grabs crotch *
Laura: That's not even a dance move.
Jag: No, that seriously hurt. Kriff!
Laura: Oh... Well I don't wanna do this anymore.
Jag: Yeah, me neither. What the sith were we thinking?
Laura: That Michael Jackson used to be cool?
Jag: ... Who the Hell is Michael Jackson?
Laura: Isn't he that um... You know what? I dunno.
Unreal Announcer: BREAKING THE 4TH WALL!
Jag & Laura: eek
Jag: The kriff was that?  

[Sol Walker]

Han: Hey Luke, got a minute?

Luke: Sure Han. What do you need?

Han: Well kid, you know that me an Leia had the twins and well...I'm kinda worried.

Luke: Worried? Why?

Han: Well...

Luke: *Sigh* You're afraid Jacen and Jaina might develop an unhealthy attraction towards one another, right?

Han: Um....yeah..... How did you-

Luke: Jedi.

Han: Right. I keep forgetting what you guys can all do...so since you...went through something like that-

Luke: -You want my advise to keep that sort of thing from happening.

Han: Yeah.

Luke: Well first off, dont go to the dark side, choke your wife, kill all your smuggler buddies and fight your best friend over a river of lava. Thats a start.

Han: C'mon Luke. I'm serious.

Luke: Ok, ok. Tell you what. When I started seriously training as a Jedi, I wrapped myself up in my training. I didnt have time for anything else. To discipline myself I tried to live a simpler life: cut myself off from distractions and focus upon the-

Han: Yeah yeah Jedi mumbo jumbo force stuff.

Luke: ....Its more complex than that but if you want to degrade my entire way of life...

Han: Whoops. Sorry.

Luke: Not a problem. But the point is I stopped thinking about Leia while still caring for her welfare. And I soon realized that she was infact my sister. The Force can awaken new hights of dicipline and wisdom. It did wonders for me. And if you are seriously afraid that Jaina and Jacen might develop an infactuation upon one another, I can train them to be Jedi. That aught to take the thought right out of their heads.

Han: You think that would work?

Luke: Absolutely. What could possibly go wrong?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Much much much later)

Han: Luke you b*****d! This is all your fault!

Luke: What do you mean "My falt?!"

Han: Jacen's become a Dark Lord of the Sith and is threatening to conquer the Galaxy and Jaina's gone to my mortal enemy Boba Fett to learn how to kill her brother!! And itsall because you trained them to be Jedi!!!

Luke: It was either this or the Incest, Han.

Han:....I guess when you put it that way things arent so bad....  

[Darkened Angel]

( aboard the Millenium Falcon, all is quiet )

Chewie: ... Raaaaarrrrrrllllll! gonk
Han: Sorry, I had beans earlier. rolleyes  

[Sol Walker]

(Eli's ships are ganging up on the Ruusan in a pitched brawl)
Niomie: Captain! We cant take much more damage! The shields are going to overload!

Kaleb: I cant make the jump to light speed! He's got us pinned too close to that nebula!

Jag: Then there is only one option. Intitate Transformation Sequence!

(Pilots look confused as Jag starts flipping switches. Suddenly the ship starts shifting and twisting and rocking as the Ruusan morphs into something else)

Jag: Alright Chaakar! Face the wrath of Super Dimensional Fortress Ruusan!

(Ruusan has transformed into a giant robot. Suddenly fires a s**t ton of missiles. Everything goes boom)  

[Missing00]

Eli: (ships pinning the Russan) Cant let you go any further Jag, tell you what, you give us all your cargo and we'll let you go, or else.
Jag: Kriff, he's got us pinned...Time to use the secret weapon!
(An image of a sad, pouting Tabula is transmitted to all of Eli's ships)
Eli's crew: Awww.
Eli: Aww she's so adorable ya know what, just go ahead and leave, crew move out!  

[Nelowulf]

Mareal: Da!
Fyodor: Niet!
Mareal: Da!
Fyodor: Niet!
Mareal: Da!
Fyodor: Niet!
Mareal: Da!
Fyodor: Niet!
Mareal: Da!
Fyodor: Niet!
Mareal: Dumkoff! I said Da!
Fyodor: *looks confused*
Mareal: Don't you speak Basic?
Fyodor: Niet.
Mareal: But you oonderstand it? Dat doesn't make sense!
Fyodor: DA!
Mareal: Nein!
Fyodor: Da!

And so the process continues...

~~~~~

This joke is only funny if you understand that Mareal has a german accent and Fyodor is slavic. In german, Ja is 'yes', and in russian, Niet is 'no'.

However, in a case where two people are arguing, ja becomes 'da', which is of course, russian for 'yes' as well.