Lines You'll Never Hear

[K-Blade]

One, two: Vader’s coming for you.
Three, four: Better lock your door.
Five, six: Grab your General Crix.
Seven, eight: Better run and escape.
Nine, ten: or you’ll never fight again.  

[ElladanKenet]

Chewbacca: Walking carpet?! Now wait just a minute, Miss. I happen to be a Wookiee. A WOOKIEE! And not just a wookiee, but an angry wookiee! And you know what happens when a wookiee gets angry?!?!  

[Darkened Angel]

Yoda: ( To any Dark Sider or potentially falling Jedi ) Naughty, you are. A good spanking, you deserve.  

[ElladanKenet]

Dodanna: Well, we just got done analyzing the Death Star plans.

Mothma: And?

Dodanna: Attacking it is suicide. And pointless.

Mothma: Why pointless? We'll die if we don't try to destroy it.

Dodanna: Nah, I wouldn't worry. I just discovered a fatal weakness in the plans. We won't even need to bother attacking it.

Mothma: Oh? And that is?

Dodanna:  

[Darkened Angel]

Capt. Skip: Gill!
Lt. Gill: * runs up * Captain?
Capt. Skip: Are the civillians all aboard?
Lt. Gill: Yes, sir. Though, I must say they brought along far more personal things with them than anyone would possibly need for a simple 3 week tour of the galaxy.
Capt. Skip: Heh. Right you are Gill. I mean what, are we gonna run into some kinda galactic storm and be stranded on some uncharted planet with a giant hull breach that's beyond repair for whatever reason?  

[ElladanKenet]

HK-47: (Statement) Nothing sounds more lovely then the screeching, grinding noises caused by the shatter of bones as I drive my metallic fist into a Meatbag's skull.  

[Darkened Angel]

( In an Imperial prison )

Inmate: Holy crap, how the heck did they catch you?
Han: Well, 1st they noticed I was smuggling spice, and I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. I ran all night and day.
Inmate: ... And?
Han: I couldn't get away.  

[Sol Walker]

[Shot opens on ringing alarm bell; sirens and klaxons play in the background]

Announcer: "Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert! Jedi Assassin is in the base!"

[Signs illuminate on a large Security Panel: "Intruder Alert', 'JEDI Assassin' and 'In Base'; Pull out to reveal Lady Marie Celeste watching the board]

Soldier: "A Jedi Assassin is in the base!?"

[Celeste reaches from off-screen and pulls her Heavy Blaster Pistol off a rack of weapons. Cut to Celeste dashing down the stairs and through the Base while saying "Crap, crap, crap!" with every step she takes]

Announcer: "Protect the Data cards!"

Celeste: "We need to protect the data cards!"

[Camera pans to reveal Jakar Rokal trying to open the code-locked 'Datacard Room' door]

Jakar: "Yo, a lil' help here!?"

[Celeste pushes Jakar aside and begins to 'decode' the combination]

Celeste: "All right, all right I got it, stand back, kid. 1, 1, 1, umm... 1!"

Jakar: Let's go, let's go-

[A fully armored Darth Marr comes around the corner, .48 Enforcer in-hand, charging towards the other Sith]

Marr: "INCOMING!"

[Marr shoulder-barges the door, splintering it, and sending the three of them tumbling into the Intelligence Room. Jakar reaches the desk to discover the case holding the datacards is perfectly safe.]

Jakar: "AAAAAAAAAHey, it's still here!"

Marr: "AAAAAAAAAaaalright then."

Volgen: "Ahem."

[Camera zooms in to reveal Volgen, with Lady Maliss' corpse over one shoulder.]

Volgen: "Gentlemen."

MEET THE JEDI SHADOW

[Cut back to Volgen, carrying the dead Maliss towards the desk.]

Volgen: "I see the case is safe."

Celeste: "Safe and sound."

Jakar: "Yeah it is!"

Volgen: "Tell me... did anyone happen to kill a JEDI assassin on the way here?"

[The other three Sith shake their heads and shrug]

Volgen: No? Then we still have a problem.

[He deposits Maliss' body on the desk, revealing a bloody knife in her back.]

Celeste: "...and a knife."

[Jakar approaches and removes the knife.]

Jakar: "Oooh, big problem. I killed plenty of assassins; they're dime-a-dozen back-stabbing scum-bags - like you!"

[Jakar attempts to twirl the knife, only to cut himself on the finger and drop it.]

Jakar: "Ow! No offense."

[Volgen deftly retrieves the knife, twirls it and hands it grip first back to Jakar.]

Volgen: "If you managed to kill them, I assure you, they were not like me. And nothing... nothing like the man loose inside this building."

Jakar: "What're you? President of his fan-club?"

Marr & Celeste: (chuckling)

[Volgen turns to face Jakar with a slight growl.]

Volgen: "No... that would be your mother!"

[Volgen reveals a folder and slaps it down on the table, revealing several compromising photographs of Pash Antilles and Jakar's mother.]

Jakar: "What the...!?" (stammering.)

Volgen: "Indeed, and now he's here to f**k us! So listen up boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today."

[The other Sith examine the photographs. Marr leans over and shows Celeste one photo in particular.]

Celeste: Wow...

[Jakar frantically retrieves the photos as Volgen clenches and unclenches his clawed hand before his face in the foreground.]

Jakar: "Gimme that!"

Volgen: "This Shadow has already breached our defenses..."

[Fade to Pash, creeping through some tunnels. He pauses at a corner, as the camera pulls back to reveal Rook setting up a sentry turret. He slides a bomb across the floor which explodes directly underneath the turret]

Rook: "Jetii!"

[Rook frantically reaches for her Pistol, only to have Pash shoot her in the head with his custom silenced slug pistol. The dead Mando crashes through a door and Pash steps over her and fires at a target off-screen.]

[Cut back to the Intelligence Room. Volgen leans over the dead Maliss, gesturing frantically.]

Volgen: "You've seen what he's done to our colleagues!"

[Flash back to Maliss, now alive and examining a security screen in a cul-de-sac room. Pash creeps up on her, only to have Maliss engage him with her sabers. A lightsaber struggle ensues, and Maliss is ultimately backstabbed with Pash's knife]

[Cut back to Intelligence Room]

Volgen: "And worst of all, he could be any one of us..."

[Fade to Pash fighting Demaia, armed with her lightfoil.]

Demaia: [Evil female villain laugh]

[Pash breaks Demaia's arm, disarming her. Close-up on Pash's face as a holoshroud projects her face over his, sans spectacles.]

Demaia: (gasps)

[Pash kills Demaia with a well-placed Judo chop to the throat, knocking off her glasses, which he catches and wears, completing his disguise.]

[Cut back to Intel Room. Volgen looks frantic and growls between sentences.]

Volgen: "He could be in this very room! He could be you! He could be me! He could even be-"

[Volgen is cut off as his head explodes violently. The camera switches to Celeste, blaster in hand, with a confused Marr, and a panicked Jakar.]

Jakar: "Woah, woah, woah!"

Marr: "Celeste!"

[Celeste checks the blaster charge with a click.]

Celeste: "What? It was obvious! He's the Jedi Assassin! Watch, his holoshroud will fade any second now..."

[Celeste and Marr approach the dead Volgen. Celeste pokes the corpse with her boot.]

Celeste: "Any second now... See? Red! The Republic's colors! Oh wait...that's blood."

[Jakar lingers behind, his expression sinister. He approaches Celeste and Marr, retrieving the knife he pocketed earlier, and twirling it easily in hand. As he approaches, he flickers and melts, revealing himself to be Pash]

Marr: "So, we still have a problem..."

Celeste: "Big problem... alright, who's ready to go find this Assassin?"

Pash: "I'm right behind you."

[Ending fanfare, with stabbing sounds from Celeste and Marr punctuating to the beat of the tune.]

[Fade to the scattered photos of Jakar's Mother. Pash retrieves one of them and smiles wistfully.]

Pash: "Heh...What a woman."  

[Missing00]

Nelo: So your in charge around here, is that safe to say?
Cale: Absolutely. I'm the boss.
Nelo: Okay so take us through the day in the life of, the boss.
Cale: Well the first thing I do is. (rapping)

TALK TO CORPORATE
(LIKE A BOSS!)
READ MEMOS
(LIKE A BOSS!)
LEAD A WORKSHOP
(LIKE A BOSS!)
REMEMBER BIRTHDAYS
(LIKE A BOSS!)
DIRECT WORK-FLOW
(LIKE A BOSS!)
MY OWN BATHROOM
(LIKE A BOSS!)
MICROMANAGE
(LIKE A BOSS!)
PROMOTE SYNERGY
(LIKE A BOSS!)
HIT ON DA
(LIKE A BOSS!)
GET REJECTED
(LIKE A BOSS!)
SWALLOW SADNESS
(LIKE A BOSS!)
SEND SOME FAXES
(LIKE A BOSS!)
CALL A SEX LINE
(LIKE A BOSS!)
CRY DEEPLY
(LIKE A BOSS!)
DEMAND A REFUND
(LIKE A BOSS!)
EAT A BAGEL
(LIKE A BOSS!)
HARASSMENT LAWSUIT
(LIKE A BOSS!)
NO PROMOTION
(LIKE A BOSS!)
HIT SOME VODKA
(LIKE A BOSS!)
s**t ON DA'S DESK
(LIKE A BOSS!)
BUY A GUN
(LIKE A BOSS!)
IN MY MOUTH
(LIKE A BOSS!)
oh ******** me I cant ******** do it s**t
p***y OUT
(LIKE A BOSS!)
PUKE ON DA'S DESK
(LIKE A BOSS!)
JUMP OUT THE WINDOW
(LIKE A BOSS!)
SUCK A DUDE'S D***
(LIKE A BOSS!)
SCORE SOME COKE
(LIKE A BOSS!)
CRASH MY CAR
(LIKE A BOSS!)
SUCK MY OWN D***
(LIKE A BOSS!)
EAT SOME CHICKEN STRIPS
(LIKE A BOSS!)
CHOP MY BALLS OFF
(LIKE A BOSS!)
BLACK OUT IN THE SEWER
(LIKE A BOSS!)
MEET A GIANT FISH
(LIKE A ******** IT'S BRAINS OUT
(LIKE A BOSS!)
TURN INTO A JET
(LIKE A BOSS!)
BOMB THE RUSSIANS
(LIKE A BOSS!)
CRASH INTO THE SUN
(LIKE A BOSS!)
NOW I'M DEAD
(LIKE A BOSS!)

Nelo: uhuh, so that's an average day for you then?
Cale: no doubt.
Nelo: you chop your balls off and die?
Cale: hell yeah.
Nelo: and at one point there you said something about sucking your own d***?
Cale: Nope.
Nelo: Actually I'm pretty sure you did
Cale: Nah that aint me.
Nelo: okay well this has been pretty eye-opening for me.
Cale: Im the boss
Nelo Yeah I know I got that you said it like four hundred times.
Cale: Im the boss.
Nelo: Yeah yeah I got it.
Cale: Im the boss.
Nelo: No I heard you see you later.

(LIKE A BOSS!)  

[Darkened Angel]

( Luke looks out his window into the dune sea of Tattoine. Voices are heard, talking about him. )

Obi-Wan: Well, what about Skywalker? He's been on Tatooine most of his life.
Yoda: Run in the family, bad luck does. Died, both parents have. Seperated, he and his sister are.
Obi-Wan: He's the only reason any hope still remains.
Yoda: Question the Force, we cannot.
Obi-Wan: But is that really the kind of person we want saving the galaxy?
Yoda: Your fault for losing Anakin, it is. Fix this mess you made, you must.
Obi-Wan: I'll see what I can do...  

[ElladanKenet]

Obi-Wan: And now I'm dead
Yoda: Your fault it is. Commited suicide you did
Obi-Wan: I thought it'd buy Luke some time
Yoda: Stupid you are. Now train him I have to
Obi-Wan: Aw, come on. It ain't so bad...
Yoda: ...
Obi-Wan: ...On second thought, maybe you should kill yourself too  

[Darkened Angel]

Boba Fett: * singing * I'm too sexy for my Beskar...  

[ElladanKenet]

Luke- I named my left hand Leia  

[Darkened Angel]

Rebel: Wait, that's no space station, it's just a moon. Tell Rebel Command to cancel the alert. We're fine here.  

[ElladanKenet]

Motti- This station is now the ultimate power in the univer-

*moments before the Death Star is eaten by a rogue black hole*