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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:15 pm
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Manda_Tifa NG, I hope you feel better soon, and when you find out what's wrong with you, you be sure to let us all know, Okay? And keep hold of Kelly, he sounds like a keeper... wink Af, that sucks about all the construction, but it's for the better in the long run, right? At least you're not having to pay for it out of pocket....are you? Crenn...the line of Cancer in your family doesn't look promising...make sure you're taking care of your health and check with your doctor regularly. We don't want you to get cancer (not that there's much to do about it, but be prepared...>.<) Heavens no! We don't own the house, we rent it, so it's all on the renters to handle it. We just have to suffer while they do it. Would have been great if they could have gotten to it way back in May before we all moved in, but seldom do such fortunes fall in our laps. Ah well. After this week it'll be over and all that'll be left is heat and roommate drama. All of which I seem to have become the middle man for xp
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:54 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:51 pm
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I'm scared. Seriously.
All my thoughts and dreams lately have been focused on death. No, not my dreams for the future, my sleeping dreams. Everywhere I go or look there's death and destruction. I'm not suicidal, but when I went to my grandparents house over the vacay, anywhere from seven to twenty people died, all of whom my grandmother, grandfather, uncles, aunts, ect, knew. I went to a wake while I was there....and there I met my godmother for the first time in......ten years almost. She had just recovered from getting a pre-cancerous tumor removed, and she was doing fine. I'm thinking in my head, "how can you be happy at a funeral?" but I was, because I loved my godmother and I hadn't seen her in a long time.
But back to the problem. I can see my grandfather, he's sitting in his easy chair, just....sitting. Not doing anything else. Not talking, not watching tv, nothing. And he does this for long periods of time. Not staring into space, just.....sitting. I felt so sad I tried to talk to him, but soon gave up. He's seventy something.....and I feel so bad that he can't go around anywhere....not that he wants to go.....
My grandmother complains of stomach pains at night and coughs so hard sometimes I feel worried that something is really wrong. She claims she had a checkup and got a clean bill of health, but I don't believe that....
Everyone arounds me seems to be older than I remember them...WAY OLDER. I feel so alone and afraid....I don't want to lose them, but I know I can't save them.....it's a crushing feeling.....
I.......I'm done.......sorry if that was emo s**t.......
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:10 pm
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Well..Its offical.
Im feeling a little bit better, at least, i convince myself so when the pain meds have kicked in, and I'm absolutely fine. Then they wear off and im in agony. I push myself to hard, trying to get eveything done, before the clock runs out and I'm rendered useless until the next morning. I have to wonder, why me. I'm forced to lay in bed, where im comfortable, but of course, that can't last, and soon its hot and im miserable and panting.
Then to top it off, behind the curtin in my room, is a large wasp nest. Mother ******** bees. Ugh. I really dislike them. Anyway, I found ANOTHER at the foot of my bed, and guess what? This was a hornet nest! And the little mother ******** where hatching. For ******** sake...So I get to be uncomfortable on the couch. Sigh.
Grandma is deffinetly taking the phone away, and theres nothing I can do about it, because she pays the bill.
Responses Angel Natavi stare blaugh Mush? Hey, for anyone here, mush is VERY good. So don't be afraid to spill your heart to any and everyone here, cause we are all one big family. K? xd .:.blushes.:. I'm not used to it...but I would like to spill my heart about him. heart Crenn Tell your grandma that you'll shove the phone up her a** if she doesn't shut up. Hopefully the bill won't be too large, but it's good that he cares so much about you. *grins* And it's good to know that you're in love with each other, now you've got to get better biggrin . As for the mush, who cares!! MUSH AWAY NG!! I can't tell her that. Shes always very nice to me, this is the one thing that bothers her. It is good he cares. I'd be diein' without him. .:.blushes again.:. I'll get better, I'm sure. and I will, goddamn it XD Af Mas The bad news...Well, I know the phone bill'll be huge, but I just hope the phone doesn't get taken away. Because it sounds like Kelly's helping you through this better than the doctors or medicine. Being happy by itself has a big impact on health and recovery, so being able to talk to Kelly will help a lot. Maybe your mom will work something out for you *shrugs* Either way, we're all still thinking of ya Its well over a thousend, im sure.. Kelly dose help me, and no one, it seems, understands. Mom sort of gets it, because I only smile when im talking to, about, or thinking, of kelly. .:.smiles.:. Thanks, i hope it all works out. By the way; your so possative X3 I'd rip somones eyes out if i had construction in my house. Sirus Jin NG I hope you start feeling better soon, I hope they can figure it out and give you something at least! In the mewhile, I'll be here if you can talk. I'm glad to hear that Kelly makes you happy, he seems like a pretty nice guy, from what I've seen! I'm back on morphene AND perks, and the pains still just hardly bareable. I'd love to talk to you, I miss you bunches! sad And yes, hes a nice guy. XD Manda_Tifa NG, I hope you feel better soon, and when you find out what's wrong with you, you be sure to let us all know, Okay? And keep hold of Kelly, he sounds like a keeper... wink Thank you, I hope they do too. I'll let you all know when we find something. I think he's a keeper, i really hope so... heart Leyla Giselle Awwr, NG. ;-; I'm so sorry *hugs tightly* I hope you feel better and that they don't take Kelly from you. Thanks, .:.snugs.:. If they take him away from me, you'll all know. I'll diewithout him.
For Fog: Its alright,hun, its alright to be scared. We can't save the ones we love, and thats perfectly reasonable to understand that you'd be sad of losingthe people you love. Thats human nature. So don't be afraid to admit you scared.. 3nodding
Anyway, On the subject of kelly...
--WARNING: SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE NG PATHETICLY MUSHING OVER KELLY--
Kelly Mush I hate men, i don't want to ever be with a guy, they all seem insensative, and i've never had a guy that could read me, not to mention, i've been terribly abused by guys. I don't mind being friends, but I wan't nothing to do with guys anymore, no offence. I just can't get over what happened, and i know its not fair to judge others like that, but i'm paranoid about it.
Anyway, Kelly and I met on a paintchat, and at first, we laughed over me being a raging lesbian. We kidded around, and he finealy asked for my MSN adress. I told him I didn't like him much, so no, he couldn't have it. The next day, I went looking for him, Because, for whatever reason, i'd had a change of heart and wanted to talk to him. I waited a good six hours in Pchat to get to him, and finealy left my adress with a friend. Later, he Imed me, and we've talked ever since.
I never liked him, he was very kind and girly, and funny to me, but we where just friends. I didn't care about him that way. I called him once, and he and my then-crush talked alot on the phone. When i left to go get something to drink quickly, i came back to find Kelly had told her I was girlfriend material. I never take things like that well, and lash out, like I did at him. He was hurt, and I was satisfied.
However, slowly, I grew fond of him. I don't know how he did it, but slowly, he edged into my heart, caring, worring, and making me laugh constantly. Until I broke his heart.
During all this, my friend, Terrant, had been slowly growing on me too. Soon, I told Kelly I didn't want him, and I wanted Terrant, so he aught to just back off. He was broken hearted, and unhappy. But he sincerly wanted me to be happy, so he stayed as close as I let him, and tried hard not to be sad.
Eventualy, I lost interest in Terrant, Kelly's affection won me over, and I tenativly would stay close to him all the time. Some days, I'd go into a fit, and tell him i didn't like him at all, and how could I ever? He was a guy, and it just wouldn't work. He endured, with a smile, and let me freak out on him.
This continued more, my spats of psychoticness becoming less and less, and eventualy, they became rare. I became mellower around him, and was happy, content.
Then the hospital happened, and I missed him despretely when I was there. I needed him, more then anyone else, and it reminded me just how much I love him, and how much he loves me. During the second night, I belive, or the third, I had a fit of going into psychotic, dillutional, pain-enduced sobbing. I told him I was going to die, and I belived it. He started to cry, he didn't want to think about loosing me, and thats what brought me out of my tenced fit. I didn't want him to cry over me, I wanted him to smile, and laugh and be happy.
To me, Crying is something you shouldn't waste. When I cry, I get sick and dehydrated, and it can last for days. So it means alot to me when somone cries over me. If I wasn't in love with him already, I was after that.
I called him constantly, I still do, and last night, we played a 'what if' game. The question finealy landed on. "What if; I left you?" there was a long pause, and he said shakily "I'd want you to be happy, and i'd try to stay around, even as a distant friend." I asked him if he'd be sad, and there was another long pause, he answered yes, and I laughed softly, teasing him that he didn't seem to care enough to fight for me. I asked him if he thought I'd be happy, and what he'd do if I left him, and shortly, he broke into a sob and said "I want you to be happy with ME." almost in a childish tone. He was cring again, and I was the worst person on the face of the planet. After a while, I calmed him down, assuring him it was alright, and that i'd never leave him, to which he asked softly, and sheepishly "...even for Terrant?" I couldn't help but smile, he knew how much I'd loved terrant, and I told him no, not even for terrant. He was happy, and that made me happy.
Then I found out, he won't be on the computer much anymore, only 1:30 a day. I got upset, and told him that we'd never be able to work it out. I was tramautized in this instance by my last boyfriend, who, once he got a job, began to slowly ignore me. Kelly was getting a job soon, and I just knew he'd ignore me. I started to yell at him, and tell him we couldn't make this work, and that it would be best to just quit now, while we where ahead. I could hear the tears in his voice, as he asked "So your saying you don't want me?" Again, I was the worst person on the planet, and before I could stop myself i snapped "Thats what I'm saying, I'm just USING you until Terrant gets back." I heard him whimper, and start sobbing. He started apollogizing for being weak, and tried to stop crying. He told me he wanted to make me happy, and if that ment letting go, then thats fine, but he still begged to be friends.
I'm a sucker for that sort of thing, and I told him to stop cring, that he wasn't pathetic, and that I was just frustrated, and I didn't mean any of that. He calmed down, and we talked more, later, he'd tell me how scared he was of losing me. He choked up every time he thought of it, and he was sorry for it.
I don't think I ever thought about it before then. How did he do this to me? He made me love him, slowly, he'd slipped right in, made him self comfortable, and become somone I absolutely needed. I'm hooked on him. I want to talk to him, I miss him when im out running errands,even when its just twenty min. The plane ride home was agony, because I felt horrable and all I wanted was him. And so, there is the mushy bit. I love talking about him XD Sorry this is so big... sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:07 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 7:34 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 7:44 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:33 pm
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redface thanks everyone. Well, I've been drugged up all day, and I feel perfectly fine. I'm not, I know, but i do feel good--aside from i need help walking across the room.
Today, I did alot for being sick. My familiy is in town, and so, i was asked to come. My whole family is convinced im dieing, especialy my aunt, a doctor. They were all very nice to me, and I did my best to act fine. I did a really good job, I think, other then the walking across the room thing, and the fact i wouldn't eat or drink.
I don't like going anywhere without Goliath. I love him to itty bitty bits and I want to take him eveywhere. I was going to take him with me to Grammas, where my three aunts, three uncles, two cousins, grandma, and mother where going to be.
They told me "No! don't bring that ferret arround while WE'RE here!" Oh well to them. I was expecting to go in to the house and get 'ew's about my companion, but instead, they warmed up to him pretty quickly. By the end of the night, they really, liked him. They want him to come back tomarrow. So I'll be taking him with me again, too. I'm so happy that they liked him, he made a really good impression on everyone.
In later news, I'm going to go climb a mountain, if weathers permitting. Just in case It IS life threatening like eveyone things, i want to do this before im to sick. :3
Manda- I don't have a screen in my window. Thats where I draw and hang out. I leave my window open because its wayyyy hot. xx;
Anyway, Kelly has a backbone, he's not as sensative as he seems. He's pretty..mm...Well, He can be nice, if your nice, but he's not always the nicest of guys. He's just sensative around me. redface
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:50 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 4:30 am
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 12:39 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 4:35 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 5:27 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 5:59 pm
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Meph!stopheles Krissim Klaw I'm so relieved, my eldest mantis Siren finally shed. He had been feeling unwell and I figured that was what it was, but he started acting funny about a week ago. Since it was taking so long I was worried something else might be wrong or bothering him. It also hadn't helped that I have been having bad dreams lately involving hurt or dead mantises. But, everything is ok and he made it out of his shedding fine. *Big sigh of relief* One another note my mom as been baddly sick to her stomach since yesterday. We were hoping it was just something she ate but now we are thinking it may be a virus. This means there are a good chance me and my dad might come down with it. gonk
Notice the news about the mantis comes first. -smirks- Miss me?
Of course the mantises come first and as for missing you...
*Tackles you, chains you up, and molests* Mephy no leave ever again now. twisted whee heart
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