[ The Realm of Aleah'Cim ] [ Review Please ]

[SpunkyOtaku]

Oh dear, I'll remember that. Hm... Okay, I'll work on a thread we can use! In the Roleplay Realm.  

[Talon StarDrifter]

Whew. The prologue is finished! I know, it's ridiculously long, but what can I say? I don't know how I could possibly shorten it. Is it just me, or does the ending seem slightly rushed?

Anyways, lemme know what you think. I'll post Aväris's profile tomorrow or something... I'm so worn out from all that typing!
 

[SpunkyOtaku]

I don't know why, but I find that ending really Funny. So he can't push out the soul of a fetus, so they decide to become discontented roomates. Lovely. I'm sure that isn't going to cause some problems later. xD

Anyway, Yep, still ridiculously long, but hey, that's life. Well, the ending does actually seem a bit rushed to me, though I can't tell you what to do to make it more natural. Except maybe indicate the need for time. Like mention how Avaris known his time is almost up, and he needs to find a Frae quickly. Maybe that will make the rushed end seem more natural.

One thing I notice about your writing that bugs me, is that the other characters are so flat. At least, they feel that way to me. No depth, only there for their purpose. Like the Frae at the end. Dude, if that were me, I'd either run from terror at the sight, or run for help or ask what the hell he was doing there. (I'm not saying every person in the world will do this, but I think you get my point) So, did she not move because she was intrigued by him? Did he truly have hypnotic eyes that kept her from moving? What was it?  

[Talon StarDrifter]

SpunkyOtaku

I don't know why, but I find that ending really Funny. So he can't push out the soul of a fetus, so they decide to become discontented roomates. Lovely. I'm sure that isn't going to cause some problems later. xD

Anyway, Yep, still ridiculously long, but hey, that's life. Well, the ending does actually seem a bit rushed to me, though I can't tell you what to do to make it more natural. Except maybe indicate the need for time. Like mention how Avaris known his time is almost up, and he needs to find a Frae quickly. Maybe that will make the rushed end seem more natural.

One thing I notice about your writing that bugs me, is that the other characters are so flat. At least, they feel that way to me. No depth, only there for their purpose. Like the Frae at the end. Dude, if that were me, I'd either run from terror at the sight, or run for help or ask what the hell he was doing there. (I'm not saying every person in the world will do this, but I think you get my point) So, did she not move because she was intrigued by him? Did he truly have hypnotic eyes that kept her from moving? What was it?

Yes, you're right.... I was kinda rushing at the end, and I wanted to keep it as short as possible, but I suppose I shoulda given her more character, hm? After all, that frae is the mother of one of the most important characters! Whoo! Mother to Aväris and a fraeling!

But thanks for letting me know. biggrin I shall work on that. Should I work on any of the other characters? Just tell me everything I should work on, because that's all I've written.
 

[SpunkyOtaku]

Well, truth be told the relationship between Luneau and Avaris did not seem quit right. I mean, she said she loved him, she held him, he held back, but I did not really sense the tragedy. They were lovers, right? At least I think. Maybe you could have tried to write a bit more about their emotions on the whole thing. And even the hatred of the Gods and Goddesses at Avaris. Since apparently they can't do anything, when they obviously want to.