|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:38 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:55 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:10 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:35 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:37 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:43 pm
 |
|
|
|
okay if you dont laugh at this u have no sense of humor
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift. Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that, I asked?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket"!
|
 |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:44 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:48 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:49 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:50 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:50 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:59 pm
|
|
|
|
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jul 25, 2010 6:26 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:18 am
|
|
|
|
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
* You only get laid once.
* You only get eaten once.
* It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
* You share your box with 11 other guys.
* But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"s**t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.
One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."
The other man says "******** off, you're jokin aren't u?"
The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..
The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"
The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.
The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a c*** when you're drunk superman"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:56 am
|
|
|
 |
This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
The Man says, "Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he's gay."
Joe says, "Man that's terrible," and gives the man his whiskey and beer.
Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar... He walks in and says, "Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?"
Joe says, "Well hell, what's the matter this time?"
The man says, "Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE'S gay."
Joe says, "Man, that's a damn shame," and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.
Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, "Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!"
Joe says, "Geez, doesn't anyone in your family love women?"
The man says, "Yeah, I just found out my wife does..."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
