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 Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:18 pm
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Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:45 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 2:15 am
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Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 8:41 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 9:54 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:59 am
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Posted: Sun Aug 18, 2013 8:23 am
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Posted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 10:12 am
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Posted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 3:45 pm
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Crits~
Approval pert-
Age- all students must be HS age. 19 is thus, too old 2 skool. :<
Nat ability- So she turns into a smaller version of herself or does she full shapeshift? (Does she lose/gain attributes basically -if so, then please just state what changes!)
You also talk about her ability to feed which for y1 is a FEAR attack (more on that later)- but from reading the lore of her species, the ability to feed is a racial attribute, a key part of lore, (such as vampire that drinks blood). Only if you plan to have her ability being one that actually draws FEAR from essences would I recommend it.
P much- I want to make sure you understand how FEAR works- A vampire drinks blood and that is all fine and dandy. It's a racial ability. HOWEVER drinking blood doesn't give them FEAR by default. Feeding in halloween is like a habit or hobby. It's actually not a required motion, as they simple naturally absorb the FEAR around them.
So while her ability to psychically feed is racial, unless you plan for it to give her a small non battle energy boost, it's a rather moot ability to plan for her. (This might be a bit confusing. If so just ask and I'll try to explain better).
'[5] Forms and Faces --- She would enjoy bending her form, and changing her appearance at will. Though her species has a limited control over shapeshifting their forms, she seemed to have missed out upon that lesson growing up, and has yet to manage to change anything more than her hair color.'
This is something that wouldn't be possible for her to do without it being a natural ability or having taken and advanced in the course.
FEAR-
Well, unfortunately, butterflies don't exactly have teeth. but they do have like, straw mouthy parts kind of like mosquitoes I guess so you could do that. |D
To start out- a fear attack isn't something that can arbitrarily be stopped aka by outside mechanics, (such as swatting them away). Tainted Fang is like poison but the way you have written reads more like The Bite! An ability that siphons FEAR from your target and heals you!
As for y2 and beyond, those all read differently than Tainted Fang and as stands for y1 enrollment we only focus on y1. Later if she is enrolled and makes it to y2, then I would recommend asking for confirming the attacks and how they work fitting into the battle system.
Also as a note- I generally urge people away from adding caveats to FEAR mechanics as really what it will boil down to is dice rolls. So adding in little 'Buts' and 'Ifs' can undermine what actually might be rolled and put you in the position of character contradiction. D:
Other crit-
I personally would avoid bi-polar as a character trait. It's mental illness that is difficult to write accurately and keep consistent. It's also not a trait that a person has any actual control of unless they take medications or special treatments for. I would say if she's short tempered or use that or, if she is emotional, to use that. Both allow the flexibility of emotional reactions yet are distinct in the fact they are not disorders and will allow for later character growth, where as being bi-polar isn't something you can ever really 'grow out' of or again, 'control' without proper medication and treatment.
Also clarify in her personality if she's had these interactions with humans or halloweeners for feeding- One is impossible, the other also impossible given that the only way for her to have fed of a halloweener would be via natural ability or her FEAR attack. Just elaborate really.
Great works- Keep in mind that halloweener's knowledge of the human world is distorted/mostly made up and untrue.
A lot of stuff is mostly world cohesiveness, such as how FEAR works in terms of 'feeding' and how FEAR attacks work etc etc.
I hope this helps and if you have any questions feel free to ask!
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
Crew
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