|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:25 pm
 |
|
|
 |
Where to start (this isn't about any day in particular, really)...
Around December of '05, I started to like one of my friends. This was when I first started thinking that just maaaaybe I wasn't entirely straight. Eventually, it developed into more than just a crush, and I fell completely in love with her. Though I knew it wouldn't turn out well, I asked her out. Of course, she turned me down (though at least she's bisexual). Since I knew that would happen, it didn't bother me.. at first. However, she started getting really weird and stuff when I said I loved her (something I say to all of my friends), and our friendship got so ******** up for a while. I felt terrible while all that was happening, but things eventually got back to normal.
She had wanted me to go to Fathom (a local, all-age club) with her a lot, so she'd have someone to hang out with, but when I went with her one time.. she left me sitting alone while she went to make out with a guy. When I got home.. I was really depressed, and that's the first time I cut (this was in February '06). She had cut 13 times once.. and when I found out at school, I actually cried, 3 times actually at school, and once that night. So, when I cut, I also made 13 cuts. I told my best friend Sean, and.. yeah.
After some time, she got a boyfriend, and after a while, I started feeling less depressed, but I still ended up cutting several other times (including the first 13, I've had almost 30, now). Eventually, Sean said that he'd had enough of me cutting and that he was going to make sure that I stopped, because it was hurting him when I did it.. He wrote a poem and everything, and it made me cry. Just the other night, though, I cut again. I felt terrible and wrote him a note telling him, and I even wrote a poem.
That, and I've had terrible insomnia lately. Every night, without fail, I haven't been able to sleep 'til at least 4 in the morning.
Recently, I came out to my parents. I did it through a poem titled "Bisexuality" that I wrote. Of course, it made them think I'm depressed, and they're constantly asking if I'm depressed/need a therapist to talk about my sexual orientation. Gah. Other than that, they're fine with it. |
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 4:17 pm
|
|
|
|
And now for a continuation...
So, Sam (the girl about whom I've been talking) went off to a different school, and because she had a boyfriend, we didn't talk on the phone like we used to do. In fact, we didn't talk on the phone at all anymore, because she was always just *so* busy.
Eventually, she got an e-mail address (she didn't have that or Myspace or anything before), so I e-mailed back and forth with her for a while, but then she said she wouldn't be able to talk to me for a while. So, I waited. And waited. Eventually, I started to feel like I'd been forgotten and that she no longer cared about me (or ever did care about me).
I typed up a long e-mail about how she had hurt me, and she replied, saying she thought we (my other friends and I) had forgotten about her, too. We started e-mailing back and forth, after she asked if I could forgive her and I, of course, said yes. After all, I still loved her.
However, she sent me an e-mail, out of nowhere, saying that she had been hurt, too, and all kinds of other s**t that made me feel bad, like I'd hurt her worse than she ever hurt me. Basically, she cut off whatever was left of our friendship.
For a while, I was really, really hurt by all that but, eventually, I started to get angry. I got more and more angry and bitter; I burned a note she had given me before. This is what called me to finally begin to fall out of love with her, but I do still miss what it was like last school year, when everything was so perfect. I miss it so much. |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 8:04 am
|
|
|
|
It all started that night I found out I had an 8 hour shift for work. They called me to tell me after my shift was over, then told me to come in for 8 hours the next day. Oh well, it was a sunday and I'd get paid 10 bucks an hour. So of course I agreed.
I went to work angry because I'd made hang out plans with my best friend. I screwed up an order (I was a grocery store cashier at the time) and lost the company 10 bucks. I did the right thing and reported it right away. Then my boss came to b***h at me for it. Oh well, I deserved a bit of trouble, I lost her money. Then I find out I had already lost the company 200 dollars a week ago. I had apparently entered $200.00 when the guy gave me a 20, which is a common mistake. The buttons are sensitive. I knew how much change I was supposed to give the guy so I gave him his $1.60 whatever change back. Then, on this horrible day my boss tells me I handed him a hundred and sixty dollars. Um, I'm pretty sure I didn't hand him a handful of twenties, but whatever. I guess she knows exactly what goes on even though she wasn't anywhere near me. She bitched at me for a good half hour when I finally said "Look, I'm sorry, but I need to work somewhere else." She asked if I wanted to transfer to a new area and I was like, "No, I'm leaving. Goodbye." I stood to leave but she stopped me and told me for the rest of my shift she'll give me odd jobs, like cleaning tills and doing returns. I had to bring bags of garbage to the shoot in the back for the first time. I'd done my best to avoid the garbage shoot all three months I'd worked there, and on my last day she sends me there like a damn custodian. She basically treated me like some retard incapable of doing a real job. She even told me that in her office, in slightly nicer words. "Some people just aren't meant to be cashiers." um, it's not a hard job, you're the moron who can't count the bills in a till. Maybe on the computer it said the company lost a hundred and sixty bucks but when the money was counted it was kind of obvious it was all still there. Douche bag.
Sorry if I used any inappropriate language. I tried to keep it to a minimum... It was just a very frustrating day. Not to mention I'd spent the christmas money my uncle gave me on a pack of Du Maurier, after I'd quit smoking for two weeks. Just goes to show how stressedout I was that day...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 3:06 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 9:32 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:28 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:38 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 2:29 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 6:17 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2007 2:18 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 5:34 am
|
|
|
|
I’m sitting here staring at the screen when I should be writing. Only got so much more till I’m finished this new story, but my mind keeps circling around the same issues over and over again. I hate talking about this because people always get the wrong idea and I’ve noticed a few thread here and there that make me feel uncomfortable because I want to say something but can’t. My wife and I were on a lesbian guild that really got me thinking, along with a lot of things happening a home. The owner of the guild started making fun of someone who stated that one should not look at a person’s sex and should consider their gender. They made fun of the person and anyone who thought there was a difference between physical sex and gender. The guild stated that they only allow the traditional woman in which really hurt. You see I’m not your traditional anything. I was born an intersex, formerly known as a hermaphrodite, god I hate that word. So many people seem to think that an intersex has a p***s and v****a, which is so far from wrong it is unbelievable. A lot of intersexes have been forgoing the herm term entirely because of the stereotype related to the old Greek mythology. There are many forms of intersex from hormonal problems to having one testicle and one ovary. Many children who are born like this are butched at birth and do not know they were born both sexes. It is rather upsetting really.
Anyways, Here is the thing that got to me. I am classed as female by doctors, it turns out that I had high levels of both testosterone and estrogen in my system and it drove me pretty much crazy. Hearing this guild tell me that the definition of female was that they must have breast and a v****a upset me to no end. I don’t like to talk about my genitals, but I find that this particular group demanded that you have certain body parts bothered me to no end. I don’t like to bring up the intersex thing because I want to be treated like everyone else. I get so sick and tired of the stupid questions about what my crotch is like and that kind of crap. I have a monthly period and breast, albeit they are small, but fit my body shape. I also have some facial hair, not much but enough to be annoying to me, and look so in the middle that it drives some people crazy. I have to take bloody hormone pills to regulate my levels or my body and mind feels like it is trying to kill itself. Before taking the meds I was 106lbs and 5' 7". It was like my body ate away at itself no matter how much I eat. It is so sad when your own body attacks you to no end.
The only good thing that has come of all of this is my beautiful and wonderful wife and soulmate. She loves every bit of me and cares about me so dearly. Still find it cute the way she fusses over me every time I decide to shave, she love my 5 o’clock shadow look. She attends my many doctors appointments and holds my hand during the blood work. She is everything to me. I just wish more people would see me the way she does. *sighs* Hell, I wish I could see myself the way she does. I’ve come to terms with a lot of myself, finally decided that I was a boi dyke and would never be a the little girl that I wanted to be. I gave up on trying to look feminine and kept to the boiish looks, it is safer this way. I even go out with a bit of facial hair even, took a lot of strength to do that. But I still can’t accept being double sided. I want my genitals to be like all the other girls and not this grotesque deformed thing. I hate it so much and hearing a group of lesbians tell me that I’m not welcome really hurt a lot, they did not say it directly to my face but they might as well have. My wife stayed behind after I left the group to defend gender issues, trans, intersex and all that stuff. I’m really proud of her, she really stuck up for me and everyone else. The owner of the group actually said how much she like to talk to me and wanted to be my friend, but never realized that I was not a traditional woman. I told Kim to tell them that I’m actually an intersex and she left the argument after that. The woman never apologized or anything.
Well, there you have it. Now you know who I really am under these bois clothes. I just hope people will not look at me differently. *sighs*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 3:32 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:17 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:55 am
|
|
|
|
Kims_Prince Messenger_Of_The_Moon *Hugs* I think that's really screwed up that someone running a lesbian guild would say things like that. I hope that you can (if you aren't already) be completely secure in who you are, because life's hard enough as it is without having insecurities like that because of a few callous people. I am more secure then I was a few years back, that is for sure. I actually stated that I was a lesbian intersex during a lecuture on lesbian erotica at a convention that I was guest at. I would normally not talk about any of this at all, but I'm getting to accept it alittle more. I just wish I could change one part of myself, but my sweetie loves every bit of me so that leaves me alittle on the confused side *sighs* Anyways, Thanks for reading. Jaa ne Kat
It's good that you're more secure with yourself. I'm glad that you have someone who loves you just as you are, too. :3 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 4:15 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
