[J] Tahira's Diary +Illusionist: Noel-chan+

[Noel-chan]

First Glimpse

A feeling of strangulation echoed through Alex's entire body. His breath came in short, desperate gasps. He was shivering through his bindings, the warmth of them destroyed by the cold sweat that chilled his entire body. He felt nearer to death than he'd ever felt before. There was no warmth, no light to guide him. His whole being was filled by a blinding, consuming pain. He could not even think; his mind was in the center of this torture, to watch and suffer and be unable to do anything to stop it.

It was a mercy when Alex hit the floor and his eyelids moved aside to take in the light of day. He woke to find himself on the wooden floor of his bedroom with his blankets wrapped in a tight cocoon around his body. He hastily struggled out of them and stood, shivering, in the warm light that pooled from his bedroom window.

From the ache in his head and the lurching of his stomach, Alex could tell he'd been drunk the night before--again. Too many mornings he woke to this. He held party after party in his nice beach home and told himself it was because he was proud of his home and his success. In reality, he knew it was because he was living an empty sham of a life being someone he wasn't and would throw the parties not only to keep up the masquerade, but to fill the empty place in his heart. He found that when he was drunk enough, he was the man he was pretending to be; loud, self-confident, loving life, and a real lady’s man.

There was always a price to pay. The next morning was hell. Alex attempted to lighten his brooding mood with a joke to himself, he thought, Well, at least this time there wasn’t a strange lady in my bed when I woke up.

He laughed to himself over this, until he came to the door and saw the note under it.

There wasn’t a lady in his bed, because, she’d already left.

Alex went to his bathroom and threw up. The mix of a hangover and disgust over the decreasing of his own morals was more than his shaky stomach could handle. As he draped himself over the toilet seat, he saw something in the corner of his eye. An aqua wisp hung in the air above the sink. Later, he’d decide it was a product of his hangover. If he hadn't put it off as something so simple, he might have foreseen how strange his future would be.


 

[Noel-chan]

Talking to Myself . . .

I can't believe this. Here I am, a full grown man and successful actor, writing in some diary like a teenage girl.

It isn't fair. It just isn't fair. I shouldn't be doing this. And I wouldn't be, if it wasn't for what happened. . .

I've been seeing things.

I mean, things that . . . aren't there. Okay I said it. I'm going absulotely nuts. I keep seeing this whispy, teal thing following me around at the edge of my sight. When I turn to see it, it dissapears. And this is the terrible part. NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE IT! So here I am, thinking aliens are tracking me or the government is doing tests on me, something stupid like that, and I can't prove a thing. Why? Because it dosn't exist. It's all in my damn mind. If anything is bad for my lovelife, this is.

What am I supposed to do about that if I'm going insane. I don't think any girl is going to accept, "Well dear, I'm sorry I just almost brutaully murderd you with my dinner knife. It appears lapsed into my criminal insanity over dinner. Want dessert now?" God no!

I've been all jumpy at work over seeing things. My coworkers asked me to please take a few days off, get some help and return when I'm "better". One of them insised I keep a journal to "express my feelings" in. You should have seen those bastards howl over that one.

So, why is it that I listened?

I've heard that when things are bad people cry for help subconciously.

I do hope this isn't my way of crying.

 

[Noel-chan]

Who?!

The doorbell chimed, echoing through the house. Alex trudged slowly into the main hall and fixed his gaze on the front door at the other end of the hallway. He squinted slightly in an attempt to make out the figure on the other side of the glass door. As he approached, he could see that the person was a woman, probably a few years younger than him, and attractive, if rather plain. As he stopped to analyze the situation, she proceeded to open the door and let herself in. He was taken aback by her forwardness and hastily attempted to take control of the situation, “If this is about the other night. . .”

“Excuse me?”, the woman questioned.

It wasn’t her then. It wouldn’t be, Alex knew. She didn’t look the type. Upon closer inspection, he could see her plainness wasn’t just a natural thing. No makeup adorned her features, her hair was worn very simply and her clothing was picked to be affordable not fancy. It was a woman who wanted to look neat and presentable, but didn’t care much about appearance beyond that.

“I have something important to tell you. Something that might change a few things. I’m. . .”, the woman began hesitantly.

“Not pregnant. Are you?”

“No!” The woman snapped, looking flustered.

Alex chuckled to himself, amused over her reaction.

“I’m your sister, Aris”, she explained.

“Ah, incest then?”

Aris slapped him hard across the face. It wasn’t the reaction she’d wanted. No, she was deeply hurt. She’d imagined this moment many times. In her dreams, he’d been so happy to see her. He’d promised to be a good big brother to her. But here, in reality, all she’d been met with was disbelief and stupid jokes. “I can’t believe you”, she hissed bitterly.

Alex struggled to keep an amused front. He knew he had a sister. It was why he’d cut off connections with his parents so long ago. He’d grown up not knowing. When he found out how they’d thrown her away, the lie had been too much for him. And yet, he’d hoped to never have to meet her. He wanted to be done with all the pain and commitment that came with having a family. When she’d claimed to be his sister, he’d hoped to god it was a joke. It was now apparent that it wasn’t.

He struggled for words, but none would come. What could he possibly tell her?

“What the hell is that?” Alex heard Aris shriek. She was staring fixedly at something behind him.

He didn’t need to turn around to know what she was talking about. The teal wisp was floating behind him, he could sense it. Alex smiled, happy for the common ground. Now this was something to talk about.

 

[Noel-chan]

Problem?

So it is real . . .

Aris can see it too.

I feel relieved, and yet not. This could be a bigger problem then hallucinations would have been. That could have been explained by stress or mental slipping. But this, this isn't so simple, it makes me question what is real in this world. Something like this shouldn't exist under normal circumstances, outside of story books, but it does. There is no denying that now.

Aris believes it to be magic. She is follish like that, but I don't blame her. She writes stories, eventually her grasp on reality was bound to slip. When I tell her this, she laughs at me. She says that whisp proves it. I think it might be a spirit, but I dare not tell her for fear she'd mock my theory of ghosts.

My dear sister says she'd seen evidence of magic once before. She met a man named D once who had a wand turn into a child. This of course, is not possible, she is far too gullible. Children are not born in such strange ways.
 

[Noel-chan]

Don't let this happen!

Tahira experienced nothing after her death. There was no great afterlife, no heaven nor hell, no recogniction of death or of self. It was a sleep.

As Tahira began to regain some awareness of herself once more, this great rest ebbed away. She could feel something new calling to her, it wouldn't let her die. All she wanted was her death. She yearned to exist no more, she'd taken her own life to ensure this. Tahira would never hurt anyone ever again . . . or so she thought. The thought of having to go through life again was unbearable. The greatest hell would not have held such fear for her. But now, she was going back, and this time, she was going to grow up as someone new.

It would all end the same. She knew it.

She felt a change overcome the reverie which held her soul. A figure started to appear in its hazy center. As it did, she felt herself fading away once more. She would be reborn anew. No memmories. Nothing at all.

In the last few momments of her old existence, she begged one thing for her new life, Oh god, please don't let me hurt anyone . . . again.
 

[Noel-chan]

You've got to be joking.

I should put some kind of heading here. It's kind of something I feel I'm supposed to do. Don't most people? There is 'dear diary', but I could never put that without feeling like a young girl. Then again, I could just write 'journal', but it's obviously a journal and I shouldn't have to point that out. I could just date it, but I don't like to keep dates, they depress me. So I suppose I'll just leave it blank. Undecided. Too many things in this world are undecided, but this will have to be one more.

The spirit I keep seeing (I'll call it that just to have a name to refer to it by) has changed. Before it was just an aquish color, now a blurred image of a baby resides in its depths. It's so odd.

Aris seems oddly fascinated by it. She'll talk to the spirit for long amounts of time. It never reacts. I don't think it can hear or understand her. But she keeps trying. I don't understand it. I'm alaurmed by the change and she is fascinated.

What will I do?

What if it continues to change?

What will it become?

I just don't know anymore. Things have become so confused. I can't handle this.
 

[Noel-chan]

The Unexpected Arrival.

The image appeared once more to Alex with the swirling picture of a human babe in its depths. This time, it was brighter than it had ever previously been and it pulsed with unknown power. Usually, it floated just out of reach, but now, it came down towards his outstretched hands. Tempted, he reached out for it and heard Aris cry out in an alarmed warning-- she was too late. His hands had already connected with it. He cried out as shockwaves of power pulsed from his fingers and down his arms. A foriegn sorrow filled him. It was the sorrow of a person who'd done something terrible, so terrible in fact, that they could not forgive themselves for living. It was the sorrow of someone who'd not only take their own life, but find immense satisfaction in doing so.

Aris watched in helpless horror as her brother screamed and slumped to his knees. The image was solidifying in his fingers and would not leave his grip. The mists began to clear and it gained weight as the image became real. Alex's screams were gradually joined by the squall of an infant. The baby from the wisp became real in his arms. Only when the transformation was complete and the pain died away did he stop screaming.

At this point, he noticed the bundle in his arms and Aris had to clamp a hand over his mouth to stop him from screaming again.
 

[Noel-chan]

Stranger's Met

Niko was out and about in town, Fell walking alongside her with an almost dog-like harness around his torso, a little leash attached to the angel's waist. Necassary precautions, with his butterfinger hands slipping into random pockets, but still... She sighed slightly, looking down at her son in amusement as they walked down mainstreet, heading for the park playground, the raven boy's favorite hangout.

As they entered the park, Fell started fluttering his wings, the fabric of his t-shirt rippling slightly in the wind from them, and he ran forward, straining at the restricting rope tieing him to his mother. Giving her a sad puppy look, she let him off the hook, and he immediately took off for the swings, letting out a delighted laugh as he started pushing himself off, sitting on the swing on his belly and flying like a plane.

Alex was barely visible behind the precariously perched motley of boxes and bags in his arms. After the initial shock of finidng the infant, Tahira, he'd realized that his home wasn't equipped to suit a baby. A, not so quick, stop at a couple of stores had fixed that. No, they'd more than fixed it. Alex had plenty of money to throw around and in his haste and anxiety he'd gotten way more than he needed to make sure he had enough. As he walked along, some of the bigger items, such as the furniture were being delivered to his house. The things he determined as in more immediate need were carried with him. He had no experience with being a father, so the things of "more immediate need" had turned into absulotely everything light enough for him to carry. Tahira was on a sling on his back. He'd wanted to put her in the fancy new stroller he'd bought her, but that would require a good bit of assembling before it would be useable to him.

Alex felt immensely worried that he wouldn't be able to properly care for this new child. He'd hoped for his sister's help--she'd been stopping by everday to check out the wisp that had formerly been trailing him, but now it had turned into this child. He'd been amazed at how angry this had made her. The woman obviously wanted children of her own and was infuraiated that her useless brother was getting one instead. But, Alex comforted himself with the knowledge that she'd come back soon enough. She wouldn't feel right leaving a helpless child in his incompetant care.

Alex was planning on heading home, but stopped abruptly at the entrance of the park when he saw the winged child. In one mad rush, he dropped the contents in his arms and ran into the park, his infant bouncing in the sling on his back and giggling. Even in his state of hurried, emotional turmoil, Alex had sense enough to approach the mother first instead of the child.

"How?", he asked the women, his eyes begging to know. "Your child is different. Like mine." He slipped Tahira out of her sling and held her out for the woman to see.


Niko looked up, startled, as she heard a question adressed to her. She turned around to face the man, a confused frown on her face. "Uhmm, how what?" She asked; the angel was definately confused. "Well, yes, he's different, but..." She looked over her shoulder at her son, who was still on the swing set.

Fell looked up as he saw the man approaching his mother with a baby, stopping mid swing. Funny looking man and kid. Hopping off the swing, he approached at a trot, his wings fluttering behind as the fabric from his shorts slapped his legs. "Who's he?" He asked, tugging on Niko's skirt.

Alex suddenly felt very foolish. It'd been a stupid idea to go up to a stranger and expect an explanation for the infant's appearance. He wouldn't normally do such a thing. The day had been so frantic and unreal that he could barely grasp normalacy anymore. Obviously the wings must be mechanical . . . or something. The woman had a pair too. He shouldn't jump to such conclusions. Another part of his mind contradicted, Shouldn't jump to contradictions?! A baby appeared from a floating image for christsakes. After that, nothing is ridiculous. He really hoped he was dreaming, that seemed the only explanation now, but he knew undeniably that he wasn't.

"Look", he replied in a snappish, impatient tone. "It hasn't been a good day. This baby here appeared to me this morning from a floating image that's been following me. Either you know why or you don't. Does this kind of thing happen all the time and no ones bothered to mention it to me, or what? " He was quite prepared to believe that this was normal, simply because the huge shock of something so abnormal for him had thrown him off balance and made it so that, at the momment, he had no idea of what was "real" or "sane"

Niko looked blank for a moment, before realization lit up her face. "Oh! Now I get it. Sorry, it's been almost two years since I got him." She said, her expression turning more apologetic. "But no, it doesn't happen all the time. At least I don't think so. But it's normal for your child; it happened with Fell, too, though it took a long while for him to appear instead of the image. He used to be a little flower bubble that followed me around!" She said with a laugh, counting up the days in her head. March 28th, 2005... Wait. Today was the 27th. Of March. Her eyes turned a little round, but she then stooped down to hug Fell.

Fell was caught a little off balance at the sudden, enveloping embrace. "Mmf, was a bubble a lonng time! That's why I can speak good!" The raven-boy said proudly, a broad, childish smile on his face.

"Is it?" Alex replied manicly to the 'It's normal for your child' comment. Just his luck that he'd managed to acquire a child through such strange circumstances. It was terrible to think that it was a spot of chance that had caused him such a problem.

"Only . . . I didn't . . . well", He started and then paused to align his thoughts. He determined it was probably best to come right out and say it."I didn't exactly want one."

As terrible as it was, it was what he was thinking. He'd proudly avoided the commitment tof parenthood for years. Hell, he'd been very proud that he'd been so careful. No woman had never become pregant with a child of his. Though there had been, well, plenty of chances. He didn't exactly abstinate. He partied, he got drunk, and by the end of the night some other girl was whorish or drunk enough to tempt him. From there things just . . . happened.


Niko could understand some of his feelings. Blackfell was her first child, though he was still sort of the youngest. The other three grew so fast! But the second thing he said startled her.

"Not want one? Why? Children are like a gift. I mean, you were one for part of your life, right?" She said, her small smile crooked on her pale face.

Fell couldn't exactly tell what they were talking about, so he looked at the baby instead. She had dark hair and some funny markings, but she was pretty enough. He couldn't see anything shiny, so he reached his hands up to Alex. "Can I hold her?" He asked; he spoke pretty well for a toddler.

"I suppose not planning for one might be a better way of putting it", he replied carelessly. It was a nicer way of putting it, but it wasn't, on the whole, nearly as honest. He'd never thought much about it. It had always been nothing more than an extra responsibility in his mind. When describing Alex, only a liar would use the word 'responsible".

When Fell asked to hold the baby, Alex hesitated, and felt embaressed to catch himself doing so. He was very attatched to the baby even if it hadn't been in his plans. Such things can often beome unexpectantly precious. He found that he was very protective of the new baby. Alex held her out towards the boy with exagerated care. "Just make sure to have an arm under her head as well as her body. Babies aren't able to keep their own head up. It's important to remember", Alex instructed, feeling further embaressment for knowing and hoping dearly that the boy's mother didn't notice the many parenting books and magazines scattered among the other assortment of baby stuff he'd dumped a bit away in his rush earlier.


Niko raised an eyebrow; she liked kids, so it was still difficult to believe another person couldn't. "Fell was pretty unexpected for me. I honestly don't even remember how I got him, or my other three." She frowned, thinking back. "They mostly just showed up on my doorstep. Not necassarily literally for all of them, though." She said, grinning slightly as he suddenly seemed overprotective of the "unwanted burden."

Fell took careful hold of her, his gold eyes wide. "I'll be careful." He said, cradling her carefully in his arms, taking a second to arrange her as the man specified. "She's pretty." Fell said, looking up and smiling brightly, gently bobbing the baby in his arms.

"She is", Alex agreed, nodding. It's been just this morning that she'd turned into an infant right before his eyes. He couldn't believe it. It seemed like more time than that. The day had been a bit hectic.

"Her name is Tahira", Alex told them both casually. He then paused, looking worried. "I don't know how I know that, but I do."


Niko raised an eyebrow. "Well, sometimes kids have names that just seem to suit them. I named him-" She nodded to her son. "-Blackfell, because it just seemed to work for him."

"Tahira." Fell said, holding her in front of him, his hands under her armpits, watching her face. "She can't talk yet, can she?" He asked, looking up at Alex.

"Nope, she's just a baby", Alex replied.

His face grew worried as he glanced over at the infant, her eyes were unfocused. "She's oddly unresponsive at times. When I first saw her, I thought she was deaf and blind. She wouldn't respond to any noises I made and her eyes didn't follow anything that moved. She goes into her own little world and nothing can snap her out of it. I wonder what's wrong. She'll be perfectly fine and without warning she'll stop responding. Just like that. When she first appeared a terrble feeling of sadness preceeded her. It was horrible. The most horrible feeling I've ever felt."


Niko frowned as he described this; nothing like that had happened to her with Fell. Not that could remember, at least. "Well, you said she appeared this morning, right? Not all babies are totally responsive right off the bat." She said, raising an eyebrow again.

Fell frowned, looking at Alex, and shook the baby a little, looking for some sort of something in her face. "Why?" He asked simply, before sitting on the ground, still holding Tahira under her arms. The raven-boy started tickling her belly.

"Darn, I was hoping it had something to do with the species. What was it you called them again? . . . Oh yes, illusionary."

As the boy started tickling her belly, Tahira came back to reality in a fit of giggles. Alex stared at the little baby, looking puzzled. "Now isn't that something . . . She won't do that for me."

Niko grinned slightly at his phrasing. "Species? They're just like you and me. They breath, they talk, they eat. They have hands and faces, feet and bodies. What more do you need?"

A wide smile broke out across Fell's face as baby Tahira started giggling. "Hee hee, I got her to do somethin'!" The raven-child said proudly, hugging the baby to his chest.  

[Noel-chan]

Starting to Shatter

Alex was sitting on a wood chair that was out of place compared to its plush, frilly surroundings. He was slumped down in the seat, a pile of books and magazines lay in his lap and a good number were piled next to him, he had one propped open and was reading it with a look of intense concentration. He had one foot planted on a ridiculously big-eyed bear rug and the other was gently rocking what looked to be a ball of lace and ribbons, but was in reality, a crib. Tahira lay fast asleep inside, or, as he worried about and checked on every few minutes, awake and needing, but not responsive.

Alex wondered, no longer able to hold back the bitterness he'd attempted to conceal, why the winged child could snap his baby out of its fits of stillness, when he could not. Why would that child have more of a connection with Alex's baby than Alex had as a father? He blinked rapidly and rubbed his temples as though fighting a headache.

Did it have anything to do with what they were?

Ulloo- Illush- What was it? Ah yes, Illusionary.

Alex groaned to himself. He had no time for completation. Parenting books! He had to finish this book before Tahira woke. . . He rubbed at his puffy eyes. His deep blue eyes normally looked impressive, now barely open, with dark rings from lack of sleep, the looked no more appealing than the rest of his worn out body looked. When had he last eaten? When had he slept. He groaned yet again. No, he couldn't think about that. He had to be the best parent he could be, even if it killed him.

Which, at this rate, seemed fairly possible.

When Tahira was awake he doted on her, and when she fell asleep, he read about how exactly he was supposed to take care of her. He didn't want to screw anything up. He wasn't fit to be a parent, he was sure, but he'd learn to be one.

My life is shattering . . ., Alex thought. It's killing me. I gave up a part in a big play. Haven't been to work in days. I haven't taken care of myself, just Tahira.

No, NO! Can't think like that . . .

And why? Probably because he didn't want to be like his parents were. Abandoning their daughter because they didn't want to deal with her. Dropping her off and hoping she'd fade away. Growing up figthing to live.

He saw a young Aris floating before his eyelds, his sister looked at him accusingly, she was battered and bruised and she clutched at her stomach. It's all your fault, she hissed.

"No it was our parents. I didn't know, I didn't--"

Not to me . . .

The figure's hair and skin darkened the eyes turned from green to blue. In his sister's place stood a child version of Tahira.

You are the same.

Alex woke up with a start, "Nooo", he screamed. He looked around and felt ashamed. He'd fallen asleep. The dream was right. He'd fallen asleep and neglected Tahira. He was just like his parents. He was just like--

Arms spun him around and held him tight. It was Aris. She'd returned. "It's okay Alex, you're okay." He'd never cried since childhood, but he was openly weeping now.

"You're okay", she repeated soothingly. Then she pulled him away for a momment and looked at him criticly, "Well, maybe not. Were you trying to kill yourself?"

"I need to to talk to you Aris."

"After you sleep and eat, a shower wouldn't hurt either, you're a mess."

"No, it needs to be now. This is . . . important."

Her eyes widened in suprise, but she didn't disagree.

"I'm sorry Aris . . . I didn't know what are parents had done. If I could go back, I would--"

"You're not our parents Alex." He started to sob again at her words and she held him close. "You're not them. Not at all."