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Well, finally! I'm finally in the right forum! I was in this guild forum where practically everyone that posted thinks that all emos cut! Sheesh. I'm emo and I don't cut... though I admit I carved on myself last year. But carving with a staple is not even close to cutting. I don't know where my friends get that.
Anyways, now, I just cry when I'm alone in my room. I tell my family I'm going to sleep, lock my door, and cry silently. I haven't been writing it out lately. Anyways, things I've gone through.
Okay, the reason I cry is usually because of my freakin' sexist family. All of them are sexist; I'm the only one that believes in equality in my house. Anyhow, I'll start from the oldest person in the house and make my way down.
First of all, my grandma. She always has issues with me. It's like, she was born to point out every flaw, every mistake that I make, as well as dictating my life. She judges me, yet she doesn't even know anything about me (no one in my family does, believe me, which I'll explain later). It's unfair that it's always me that gets picked on. Because what? I'm the girl? So I have to do everything in this blasted hellhole of a house?! Generation gap!! Gosh! Anyways, it's like this house is my prison or something. I'm practically forbidden to go anywhere. The library, my friend's house, heck, if it doesn't involve school or family, I'm not allowed to go. I try inviting a friend or two to my house, she says it has to be schoolwork. The hell is up with that? Can't people hang out? My gosh. Ooh, and my best friend just so happens to be a girl that's had her number of guys (she liked them all, thank you very much). My grandma decides that I shouldn't even be friends with her because she might influence me! My friends! She decides to say who my friends are? Yeah, I don't think so. And I'm a guy hater! Whatever my friend does, she'll never influence me about getting a boyfriend because I'm going to reject the guy, whether or not I like him! That's why I'm practically a rebel against my grandma every time she tries to decide something for me. I mean, it's my life, not hers. If she's that desperate for a life, then she should get someone else's. Not mine. Hell, she says I'm stubborn/hard-headed/close-minded, but if I am, then she has an even worse case of it because she never listens to what I say. And when she does, she closes her mind against it and states her opinion again! She's not going to change my mind whatever she does!
Grandpa. -thinks- No problems there, really.
Dad. I'd rather not say that one... that's a bit too much... I haven't told anybody about that yet, and I don't plan on ever telling anybody about it.
Eldest brother. An unmentionable... and he's too damn sexist, it pisses me off.
Older brother. I have no problems with his being so feminine (though he's not gay. He's just so "delicate," as he puts it.), but I do have a problem with what he told me (was it yesterday or a few days ago?) recently. See, my grandma was telling him why she's never going to bring me with them to the Philippines (because of something that happened in our trip to Washington). Then, my baby sis starts calling her "Mom" and "Mommy." He and I were telling Baby that Grandma's not our mom. Then, he started getting into the subject of Mom. I told him, "Can you guys just please stop talking about that?" His reply pissed me off. "Why? Are you like, ashamed of Mom now or something?" Me? Ashamed of Mom?! For gosh sakes, I'm the only one that still cries over her!! I was silently crying there at the table and he didn't even notice, although he looked at me once when there were tears on my cheeks and everything! My gosh! I'm the only one that even gets sad at the coming of her death anniversary and her birthday! And I'm ashamed now?! I love my mother, thank you very much, and I've even written a poem about her! Them, they act normal as if she never even existed! They talk about her so god ********' damn casually! I can't even talk about her without ending up crying! (Oh crap. I should stop about that issue now. I'm beginning to cry again...)
Last of all, my baby sister (we just call her Baby, though her name is June). She's a spoiled brat that never listens to what we say. She hits us and never respects us. She always wants to have things her way and would throw a tantrum when she doesn't get it at first, which results in her having it in the end. I don't care if she's 4 years old! She needs to be disciplined and I'm the only one trying to do anything about that! But no, I never get through with it because my family would always end up forcing me to let her have her way! Then, Grandma would yell at me when Baby doesn't have her HW done! Well, what the hell? I've been trying to get her to do it, but none of them would let me! Believe me, next time she tries crying again, I wouldn't care if she cries until she runs out of tears. I'm not going to let her have her way. I'm sick and tired of everyone giving her what she wants, then disrespects us all and hits us. I am going to be a b***h about it and let her cry.
Anyhoo, my family doesn't understand me, let alone know anything important about me. I don't tell them, that's why, but only because they always laugh at me when I cry and say my reasonings are stupid and whatnot. They don't care about my feelings, though they say they care about me. Hah! Not even close! You guys care about yourselves! You care about how I represent you! Anyways, out of the entire family, I've only told 2 people part of what's going on with me, and that's my cousin and my aunt (not blood-related. She's my dad's brother's wife.). They'd listen to me and not tell grandma, let alone anyone that might tell anyone else in the family. But still. Strangers know about me most, really, because I wouldn't mind losing them. My friends, I can't bear losing. My family, I can already hear them yelling at me and everything. That's why I'd rather speak to strangers like you people, rather than those that I actually know.
Oh dear. I think I've babbled about my family again. Anyhow, they're the main reason why I cry. I don't remember a night this past week that I haven't cried because of them. As my profile says, I've been tempted to commit suicide or run away, but I knew I couldn't do it. My friends may forgive me if I kill myself, but I never will. And there's really no place for me to run to, though my best friend's parents want to adopt me. They have a general idea on what my grandma is like in the least, so they can kinda guess what kind of life I live here.
Well, that's the basics of my home life, really. Nothing much happens at school to make me emo. At school, I think I'll be wearing a new mask. Emotionless. I don't want to end up breaking down in school (sometimes, I just cry and I don't even really know why... I don't know... I think it may have something to do with me remembering things that I wish have never happened... I'm normal, and then suddenly, a short flashback and I'm in tears), and that's the only thing that keeps me from feeling vulnerable. I don't exactly want to build up walls, though I know I'll probably be doing that if I wear that facade, but I don't want to break down either. I'll have to be normal at home and class though. I don't need any adults asking and being nosy, let alone my family. Well, at least my best friend will get to see the me that I've always shown them, though that's not exactly me either, when she comes visit with my brother's friends, who also happen to be my friends. (I'm the only one not allowed to have friends over. Why is that?) I feel guilty doing this to my friends, but I have the need to do it. If I don't, I'll probably start carving again, which will more likely lead to cutting, which I'm really against by the ways.
Well, I've rambled on for too long, so I'll stop now.
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