[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve paused at Loki’s concern, trying to wrap his head around that for a moment. He knew Loki could turn into a woman, but he’d never seen the god in that form and Loki had never seemed interested in turning into it. Once he’d reminded himself that Loki could look however he wanted, Steve gave a little shrug. “I suppose it ends up being whatever you feel most comfortable in. I know a lot of people do crossdress, wear clothes for the opposite gender. So if you don’t want to change and find something you like, then that probably wouldn’t be too bad either.”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki nodded when the man said that it depended on what he felt most comfortable in. It wasn't any help in making his decision but he appreciated the man not freaking out on him. He could see the surprise and how unsure the man was. "Perhaps I will find something that fits both genders." Loki sighed. He fell into another easy silence before he looked to Steve. "So I have heard that many people in the tower have tried to set you up with many women and yet you have turned everyone down. Everyone seems to think that you are too scared but I do not think that is it at all. I think you like to form serious relationships like you did with Peggy and with Barnes." Loki watched Steve for his reaction.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve nodded at Loki's idea of finding a costume that fit both. He could see that happening. Loki was a rather beautiful man after all. A more androgynous, middle of the road costume might work. Glancing at Loki when he began talking, a frown quickly slipped onto his lips at the mention of the attempts to set him up. At first he thought Loki was going to take a shot at it as well when Loki threw a curve ball. Blinking, he glanced at Loki, but didn't immediately react. "Why do you say that?" He asked slowly. It was no secret that he and Peggy had been harboring feelings, but few people ever said anything about Bucky, too worried about offending or tarnishing their names perhaps.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki was a bit surprised when Steve held himself back from showing any emotion when Loki had mention his potential attraction to Barnes. The lack of reaction was enough of a tell for Loki who was so often faced with lies. "You do not look away ad well as someone who would be against the male body when Thor walks around in nothing at all." Loki stated smiling. "Am I right?" Loki questioned.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve was silent again for a while, unsure if he wanted to say anything. It was hard even thinking about Bucky, let alone admitting to things only one or two other people had even suspected. Finally he nodded. “Bucky and I were more than friends.” He admitted slowly, a sadness entering his eyes.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki kept silent as Steve did allowing the man time to think. When he finally admitted that Barnes and he had been more than friends the god nodded. Touching Steve's shoulder gently he spoke. "I am sorry for your loss, I know for Midgard it has been some time since your friend has passed but for you. You were frozen in time, to you it has not been that long at all, none of the others understand that." Loki tried to comfort.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve accepted the comforting touch, clenching the steering wheel tighter. “It’s been almost a year.” He admitted softly. Jaw clenching as he struggled with memories he so often tried to forget now. “We were constantly together, ever since we were five. The only time were separated were the few months during the war. I really can’t look at anyone else now. I loved, still love Peggy, but I would have taken Bucky over her at any day…..now I’ve lost them both of them, in what feels like a single week.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"I understand, it hurts losing someone especially two people you loved. The pain of it never goes away, it does not lessen with time either. We merely grow used to dealing with the pain of losing someone. Sometimes we go on merely because we have to for another's sake even if we want to join the ones we loved." Loki spoke softly but sadly. It was quite obvious that he was speaking from experience.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve shook his head slightly. “I should have made him go home. He’d been captured and tortured and had every right to go home. But I was selfish. I wanted him with me, didn’t want to be without him.” He mumbled. “Though he would’ve died while I was frozen though.” He frowned.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"we all regret our decisions but there is little we can do now to change them. I am sure Barnes wished to be with you as well or he never would have stayed." Loki continued. Hearing the man say that if he had made his friend go home then he would have died while he was frozen. "Either way he died would not lessen the pain Steve at least this way you know he died fighting for what he believed. Alongside yourself."  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve glanced at Loki, blue eyes honest and sad. "Is it better to die like he did, or have the chance to live and be happy again?" He asked softly. He would always carry the weight of what happened to Bucky, and that burden would never become any lighter. "What made you bring this up?" He asked after a moment.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"I do not know how he died Steve, but I think if it was beside you, protecting you then yes I believe he died happily knowing you were safe." Loki stated softly. He didn't wish to offend the man and yet he had seemed to do that. "It was something Tony said about setting you up with someone. I thought that perhaps setting you up with a woman would not be what you were looking for until I discovered your past and how close they were to you." Loki stated.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve bit his lip. It was rare for people not to know every detail about his life in World War II. He forgot that Loki didn’t have the ‘standard’ history knowledge humans had. “We were on a mission.” He started, pausing to swallow down the anger these memories brought. “We were trying to catch someone before he escaped the country so we had to drop down onto a moving train. Bucky didn’t want to do it, but he followed me anyway. When we got inside the train, they were waiting for us. We managed to fight them off for a while, but we were surprised. I was knocked back, and dropped my shield.” Shaking his head, Steve had to take a moment to calm himself, having been squeezing the steering wheel so tightly that it had begun creaking in protest. “Bucky picked up the shield and began firing on the other guy, and he just blasted him out of the train. When I went to try and save him, he was hanging from a railing….he was so close. If I had reached just a little further, been a few inches closer to the edge, I could have saved him……but I didn’t. He died, falling to his death because he went along with some stupid plan that I knew was going to be a trap from the start….”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki was starting to wonder if he had pushed too far when Steve bit his lip and even more so when the man began to explain what had happened. Hearing what had happened made sense but it didn't make it any less heartbreaking. "He died protecting you then..." Loki spoke softly. He didn't know where else to go with his words how to tell Steve that he was sorry for his loss. How to tell the man that at least you knew how your lover died and who had done it. Loki felt his chest tighten with anxiety and sadness which in turn seemed to make his stomach queasy. Apparentally the baby did not like it when he was anxious and upset. "I know what it is like, to know that you could have saved someone you loved if you had made a different decision." Loki apologized as he spoke.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve chewed his lip slightly. He had forgotten Loki really did know his pain, in his own way. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled. “I forget that you’ve been in this situation as well.” He said slowly. Shifting in his seat, he gave a heavy sigh. “I just can’t even try to be with anyone else, not right now. Perhaps not for some time. It’s not like I don’t have time because of the serum.”