201 ΡδρζαΓ

[xDarkWinterx]

When everything happened, he did not want to speak to Samuel. After all if he truly wanted to get in contact with him, the he could have used all his special ‘contacts’ to try. Micha didn’t blame him if he didn’t. After all what’s to say he would have responded then. He had come to terms with that night but that didn’t mean Samuel had. Micha wouldn’t blame him if Samuel wanted to throw him out and never see him again. However he just wanted a chance to speak to him, before Samuel made his final decision.

As he watched Samuel leave, he shifted a little on the couch. Micha wasn’t leave, nor was he going anywhere. He figured he should just make himself comfortable. Micha moved to lie on the couch. He had grown tired after getting off the plane, it was catching up to him. Micha heard the music outside, but it didn’t bother him. He lay there soon drifting off to sleep.

Micha didn’t know how long he had been asleep, but the next thing he heard was the sound of Samuel returning into the office again. He wasn’t sure how many hours had passed but he didn’t care. Micha was true to his word, he wasn’t going anywhere. He remained where he was unmoving, as he waited for Samuel to finish in the safe. Micha watched as Samuel soon came toward him, he yawned a little but otherwise didn’t move.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

It shouldn't have surprised him and yet it did. To see him still here as if nothing had happened. It was........surreal. After all this time, why now? Why here? Samuel stood in front of the male. He appeared to have just woken up. Not too surprising. It wasn't like there was much to do back here. Dragging a chair over, Samuel sat opposite him. He waited a minute, hoping the male would speak first. But he wasn't saying anything. Samuel reached over towards his desk and grabbed his cigarettes and lighter. Pulling one out, he slipped it between his lips and flicked the lighter. He inhaled as he set both items on the table between them. "So," he said, exhaling. Samuel had the slightest bit of courtesy not to blow it all in his face. Though the thought was quite tempting. "Do you plan on telling me why you're really here?" Samuel did his best to remain civil. While every fiber of his being was telling him that this was a bad idea, his curious nature told him to wait. So long as he wasn't here to tell him some bullshit like he was dying or needed money he couldn't find any other reason to tell him to kindly ******** off.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

As Samuel moved around the room, he shifted sitting up. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes a little. Micha watched as Samuel moved to grab a seat and pulled it closer toward the couch. He waited as Samuel made himself comfortable. Micha relaxed in the couch as he sat there. He listened as Samuel started speak, not surprised by his words. Micha could tell by his tone, he was testing the waters, but was still irritated. He ran a hand through his hair. ”Where do I begin…” Micha spoke rhetorically. Everything that came to mind that played in his head didn’t sound right. ”I wanted to say I was sorry...Sorry for leaving you like that...I should have given you the chance to explain yourself or at the least believed that you would have told me the truth.” He spoke knowing that his words were probably meaningless but he needed to say them. ”I should have trusted you, and forgiven you.” Micha spoke knowing that he had forgiven Samuel a long time ago, but hadn’t called or wrote to tell him. ”And you have every right to be mad at me, and if you never want to see me again, I understand.” He spoke knowing that he had no right to show up out of the blue and expect everything would be okay.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

Sitting there patiently, he watched the male. Told himself that he should at least hear him out. But once he started speaking, he wished he would stop. Where was all this coming from and why now? Why not eight months ago when he still desperately searching for? Or six months ago when was losing hope of ever seeing him again? Micha's words both angered and touched him. They were everything he wanted to hear and not at all. When he finished, he sat there quietly. Taking another pull, he sighed. "You're right on one thing....I should be mad. Hell I should be pissed off to the point of barring your scrawny a** from ever entering this place again. But I'm not.Yeah I'm a bit annoyed but who ******** wouldn't be" Samuel leaned forward to flick some ash from the cigarette into the tray. Leaning in his chair, he studied the male for a moment. "I know I ******** up but you.......anyway it doesn't matter. I stopped thinking about you a long time ago. I'm a new man now. The club is doing good, I came out to my family, dumped my fiance....it's been a pretty busy year." Samuel couldn't help feeling a bit proud of himself as he spoke that last bit. All those things he achieved without any help from Micha. Sure he'd been a miserable wreck, but those were details he didn't need to relay. In the long run, he was doing just fine on his own.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

It was easy to get caught up in the past and what was. Micha knew they could never have what they did. He didn’t even know why he was trying. Perhaps because he missed it, but more perhaps because he was delusional. Micha watched as Samuel seemed annoyed by his words. He didn’t blame him. Micha listened as Samuel spoke nodding a little, but more to himself. He knew he shouldn’t have come. Micha was probably better off staying in Germany. He was rather crushed by Samuel’s next words but didn’t let it show. Micha let his face remain unreadable. He didn’t want Samuel to see he was hurt by his words, after all would good would it do. Micha was surprised however to hear that he had come out to his family, but rather proud of him. He shifted a little, standing. ”I see that you have been doing just fine, and perhaps it was merely misguided on my part to even come.” Micha spoke stepping around Samuel to head toward the door. ”I shouldn’t have come back.” He spoke wondering if he had made a mistake. It was clear that Samuel didn’t want to see him, let alone want to talk to him. Micha was probably making a fool of himself by being here.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

This time it was him who was being the a*****e. He had reason to be but it wasn't necessary. He watched the male carefully, his face was unreadable as always. Samuel was curious what the male might have to say next. He didn't think it would be an abrupt dismissal. The part of him that still missed him was panicking. He didn't want him to leave. After all, it had been so long and he still didn't have answers to his own questions. He wanted to know so much but Micha wasn't even giving him a chance. Samuel watched the male step around him before jumping out of his chair to follow after him. Pushing his hand against the door, he glared down at the male. "Will you just wait five ******** minutes?!" he said. He hated him. He hated him with all his being and yet it felt like he was losing him all over again. Samuel didn't want him to leave. More like he couldn't let him leave. Not yet. Not now when he had so many questions......and feelings. There was still some bizarre part in his heart aching to reconnect with him. That for whatever reason, still loved him and didn't want to see him go. Taking a step back, Samuel turned his gaze away. He was too embarrassed to look him in the eye right now. What was he doing? Having those questions wouldn't make him feel better. He would still be single and it would be back to step one of getting over him. He hated how much he still loved him.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

Why did he come, perhaps because he just missed him. It was true. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think of Samuel, of how he made him laugh and how he teased him. Micha hated himself mostly, after all he had overreacted as he always did. He had lost the one good thing, and knew he probably was never going to get it back. Micha made it to the door, as he soon heard Samuel behind him. As he grabbed the door to open it, it was soon slammed shut. He turned around to face Samuel as he looked up at him. Micha was surprised by his words, after all he thought Samuel wanted him to leave. He waited as he leaned against the door. Micha watched as Samuel stepped away but didn't’ look at him. He took curiosity out of this. After all why would Samuel be so shy about looking at him. Micha waited though as he stood there, for Samuel to gain composure. He would not speak first, after all he knew Samuel had many other questions that needed answering. Micha debated however if he would answer them.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

His mind and heart were a mess. Asking Micha to just leave and never come back was the easy way out. At least that was what he was telling himself. But in truth, it wasn't easy. If he walked out that door right this very second this entire year would have been for nothing. He'd worked so hard in trying to get over him and all it took was one five minute visit to bring everything he'd been aching for to come flooding back to him. He was filled with a million questions but only one stood out. Samuel stood there just completely beside himself as he debated whether to ask it. In doing so could ruin all that he'd worked for. It was the one question that had been burning in his mind all these twelve months. Stepping in front of the male, Samuel reached out to brush a few strands of hair from the males face. Then without warning, without thinking, he cupped his cheek and kissed his lips. When one kiss was not enough to satisfy him, he kissed him again passionately. God how he had missed this. The sweet taste of him, the tenderness of his lips. It was all rushing back to him. It terrified him to his core but he did not stop until his lungs burned. "Do you still love me." he whispered softly.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

Standing there he waited, he knew if he didn’t then it would be for nothing. Micha had patience but only so much. He didn’t want to rush Samuel after all it would do him no good. Micha knew Samuel would not answer him until he was ready. He stood watching Samuel wondering how long he was going to have to wait. Micha had all the time in the world really, it wasn’t as if he was planning on running away again. He was shocked however as Samuel came toward him. Micha felt the hand against his cheek, wondering if Samuel was going to hit him. He knew Samuel wouldn’t after all he had never before, but that didn’t mean much now. Micha didn’t flinch however was shocked as Samuel’s lips were pressed against his own. He returned the kiss, with his back pressed against the door. Micha slipped his arms up and wrapped them around Samuel’s neck. He kissed Samuel enjoying the feeling of those lips, soft and tender, but also demanding. Micha felt Samuel pull back first. He released his hold but not too much. Micha stared up at Samuel as he heard him speak, questioning him. He wasn’t surprised by the question after all it was something on his mind too. Micha nodded, ”Yes, I still love you.” He spoke speaking the truth, even as much as he had been mad at Samuel, he still loved him, that wasn’t something that was going to change.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

Six, maybe seven or so months ago he definitely would have wanted to hurt Micha. But not anymore. He'd just missed him so much that he wasn't able to stop himself from kissing him. He was relieved when he was kissed back and did nothing to stop him from wrapping his arms around his neck. In the heated kisses, he knew it heart and soul that Micha had missed him just as much. That some part of him was still in love with him. But he wanted to hear it....needed to hear it. When Micha spoke, he sighed in relieve. "Thank God," he replied. Leaning down he kissed once more. "I lied......about not thinking about you. I have. A lot. Since the second you walked out that door. I've missed you so goddamn much. I've tried to stop and just move on. But I can't. I'm still so in love with you, Micha!" Embarrassing as it was it needed to be said. He couldn't hide his feelings any longer. He was just as in love with Micha as the day he walked out. Everyday since has been filled with loneliness and a void that refused to be filled. He often thought about that night and how things could have gone down differently. If at all. But that was not the point. He was back now. For how long he did not know. But he missed him and he was here and God how he wanted to keep on kissing him. He wanted to hold him and not let go. To just sit and reconnect these wasted months.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

To say he didn’t love Samuel or care about him anymore would be a lie. He never expected Samuel to kiss him again, let alone touch him. Micha could understand if Samuel was angry with him, but it seemed not at the moment. That didn’t mean he wasn’t in the beginning. After all he had shown up out of the blue, and had gone off the radar. He saw the relief in Samuel’s eyes as he spoke. Micha could tell it was something that had been on his mind, and dreading if he didn’t feel the same way. He smiled as Samuel spoke, feeling his lips against his own once again. Micha kissed him back, his hold on him still remained. He feared releasing him, knowing if he did, he might not be able to touch him again. Micha listened as Samuel spoke nodding a little, ”Same here...I haven’t once stopped thinking about you and that night.” He spoke looking down feeling a little ashamed, after all it had been his fault for leaving. Micha could have sorted things out if he wasn’t so stubborn.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

It was hard to really say what he had been feeling. It was like his emotions were just one big knot that could not be undone. Even now. Though at this particular moment, for the first time in ages he could feel the love he'd held for the male. In so many months he'd been wanting to just let go and move on. Easier said than done. He watched as the male smiled, finding him to be just as cute as he remembered. He was also a bit glad that he had yet to fully release him. He remembered their last night, it was all he could do to get him to hold his hand or kiss him. He watched as the male spoke again. That night could have gone a thousands different ways and he wasn't sure if they would have still ended up together. He was as much at fault as Micha. "That night was a complete disaster. I keep wondering.....what could I have done differently? Then I start to remember how angry we both were. And I just had to tell myself that it is what is...no matter how much I wanted it be different." he whispered. Leaning down, he wrapped his free arm around the male while keep his cigarette to himself. "I'm sorry for I hurt you like that." Samuel pulled back from the hug to look down at the male. Reaching down between them, he gently lifted the males chin and pressed one last sweet kiss to his lips. "I love you, my Micha." he whispered in near-perfect German.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

There were a million different ways that night could have gone. He had already played each one out in his head and nothing ever came close to what could have happened. Micha knew that he wouldn’t have known unless he had really tried. He knew that night he was the one who walked away and left Samuel. Micha didn’t mind the touches and kisses Samuel was giving him. Right now he craved them, even though he knew he didn’t deserve them. He one the one who hurt Samuel, sure Samuel had hurt him but he was the one who left without a word or even a real goodbye. Micha listened as Samuel spoke nodding at his words. He felt Samuel draw closer as he hugged him. Micha hugged him back as he held onto him. He relaxed into his touch. Hearing Samuel apologize, he pulled back shaking his head. ”I keep thinking the same thing too Samuel, how things could have gone differently, but I was the one who left.” Micha spoke feeling Samuel slip hand over his chin. He looked up at Samuel, kissing him. Micha returned the kiss, soon hearing him speak. He laughed a little softly surprised by his words, ”I love you too.” Micha spoke returning Samuel’s words. He withdrew his hands not sure where to go from him.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

Samuel thought of arguing the male but what was the point? They had both said and done things they wished were different. But as it was, time was not on their side. They could not go back. They could not change anything. And they most certainly not regain the last twelve months of their lives. Samuel let the male have his say even though he disagreed with him. Still......water under the bridge. Instead, he focused on taking another kiss. He heard the male laugh but said nothing of it. He knew it wasn't often before that he spoke German and he still wasn't one hundred percent fluent. But in the males absence, he found himself studying up a bit on the language. That is when he wasn't throwing out old photos and getting lost in the memories. He wanted to express his feelings in a way that Micha would perfectly understand and never doubt. At last Samuel smiled back at the male, if only for a bit. Seeing the male withdraw himself, Samuel decided that he had crowded his space long enough as well. Stuffing his free hand into his pocket, he lifted the half-forgotten cigarette to his mouth, taking the pull before going to the ashtray to put it out. "So what happens now?" he asked curiously. Clearly one of them had to ask it. And since Micha wasn't saying anything, he figure it had to be him.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

MIcha understood Samuel completel, German was not his first language but at least he was working on it. He found it didn’t suit him however. Micha much enjoyed Samuel’s Russian, especially when he was barking orders. He had images of Samuel barking orders to his bartenders, but that was a night long ago. Micha tried not to think about it, or it would hurt too much. As he withdrew himself, he hadn’t meant for Samuel to completely release him, but it wasn’t as if he could hold onto him all night even though he wanted to. Micha watched as Samuel moved to stub out his cigarette. He remained where he was, as he heard Samuel speak. Micha shrugged though he wasn’t sure. He wanted to start over, but knew it couldn’t happen. Micha wasn’t even sure Samuel wanted to start over. He had hurt him beyond repair and he couldn’t make up for it. ”That’s up to you...We could start over, or we could just leave things how they are and return to merely being bartender and photographer.” Micha spoke giving Samuel choices. He didn’t like the last one but if that’s what Samuel wanted, he wouldn’t object.