Ameliorate (Rough draft, needs severe criticism!)

[Irishroseh]

Hahaha, my favorite RPG has always been Baulders Gate. :]
But actually, I started writing RPs before I started videogame RPs.

That's neither here nor there though. hahaha. But I am curious, how are you going to incorperate Zelda in the FF?  

[SpunkyOtaku]

Well, this place is the universe of Zelda. (more or less. like I said, I'm kinda linking two game worlds together.) The main time line is the same, the it's the same plot line, but a different point of view.
Actually, Zelda herself will only make a momentary appearance, much later in the story. Link (the protagonist of the game) will actually make several physical appearances, but his main presence will by referred to and used to haunt Strawberry... its kind of hard to explain, you'll see.
anyway, there's a lot of descriptive text in this chapter, what I need to know is when it gets boring, or when it captures your attention (I'll definitely go through and get a lot of more exciting adjectives later, but I at least need the basic core critiqued.)
Anyway, here's chapter two:

Even as the adrenaline pumped through his veins and soaked into his muscle, Strider realized it could not be healthy to endure this speed for so long. He tore down the dirt, speeding past the stationary plants, trees, and rock walls. He could still hear the thunderous stampede far up ahead, and it kept him going. His lengthy body went into over drive to catch up while his mind tried to imagine the battle he would no doubt face.

Sweet dome mercy, how would the village defend itself? His father’s and Hiren’s mediocre swordplay would not do well, the women and younger girls had no strength or skills with the sword or other weapon. Of all the boys, he was the best, even if he was the youngest by two years. The only possible fortitude the entire village had was the ever-so-effective defensive skills that came with the use of the pitchfork.

There were several great crashes; the splitting of timber, and the breaking of stone. Gargantuan snorts and roars echoed with beastly screeches and shocked human screams up ahead. He could see it, the side profile of the small square shop -completely unharmed- through the opening in the trees to signal the entrance of the village. He felt a kick of dread as he picked up the scent of smoke. He looked up over the tree line to see the thin beginnings of swirling black rising up against the blue of the sky. Already he was at top speed, he could go no faster, but his change in determination simulated an increase in speed. He darted through the entrance into open space and the burst of heat. He turned and skid to a stop directly in front of the unscathed shop, only to look down the linear pathway to the full scale of destruction before him. His watering blue eyes opened wide- his jaw dropped.

Great wild brown boars with thick hides and jutting white husks barreled from the gaps between the great tall fires scattered in front of him. Wide leather straddles stuck across their backs and strapped under their bellies, turning them into a bizarre beast of burden. They seemed hard to control but the small green monsters on top seemed to handle them, well enough to shoot arrows with tips of fire from their bows. A club or bow or torch was carried in each warped hand not holding on for dear life. They were all extremely focused on their various targets of running women, men, or teens, and did not even notice the boy. The entire ensemble forced Strider to think of an angry mob made up of a monster’s gang. Growing black columns of smoke choked out the blue sky and immersed the crumbling village in a haze of grey. Each of the four main sources of fire flashed in and out of sight with the shadows of the offenders invading the village.

The wind picked up suddenly. It ruffled clothes and hair, and stirred yellow embers from the fires. The stench of smoke and dry ash flew into his nostrils and over his tongue. He coughed into his hands while his eyes watered and stung. His ears finally registered all the sounds and their sources. The screams of his friends and neighbors, the screeches of the warped mob, the stampeding of the numerous huge swine, and the clomping and neighing of terrified horses from afar all clawed through his pointed ears straight to his heart. He saw the tall and powerful silhouette of his father race from the other side of the village. He squinted through the tears to try to see his form more clearly through the hazy wall. A snort of hot air that reeked of raw meat from directly behind him stopped his scrutinizing. He whirled around to come face to face with the beady yellow eyes, the great glistening snout, and white tusks of a great boar. Course brown wiry hair sprouted from the thick wrinkled skin around the face. He fell back on one foot as he whipped his head up. His heart stopped in terror.

It was a behemoth, a great green goblin with dirty white horns that curved out then pointed up at least a foot above its head. It was alpine, and very round with muscle and blubber. A thick sheet of rusted silver armor covered his entire body, the giant feet in the stirrups and the meaty hands gripping the leather reins. A great metal helmet blocked everything except the beady red eyes and the green skin around them from view. The eyes were burrowing right into him. The boy’s eyes flicked down to the dirty, petrified face of the young girl trapped on top of the beast. The ash and dirt covered the pale skin and the bobbed black hair, bringing the white around the brown eyes out more.

“Miren.” Strider whispered.

“STRIDER, NO!!”

The older male voice managed to catch his attention and make him look up. The behemoth had his arm raised with a crooked, knurled club at least three feet long. It swung down and struck his head before he even registered it. His head turned from the cracking impact and his vision faded to black as his body toppled onto the hard dirt. Even as his vision failed, he could have sworn he had a flash sight of a certain dark-skinned girl standing from afar.

The moment his body hit the dirt, two green hands grabbed his limp shoulders and pulled him up backwards. Another pair from riding on top of a different boar grabbed the wrist and pulled the limp body up across the beast it rode on.

The orange hair and white ruffled dress billowed in the fury of the scorching gust. The sharp yellow-green eyes were wide, and her mouth hung open in a silent scream, even as ash flew onto her from the stirring wind. Her gaze moved from Strider’s stolen body to a small green moblin coming straight at her with a raised wood club a foot and a half long. For once her face was not scrunched in anger, it was stretched in panic. She moved back and searched for any means of defense, though initially only spotted combusted wood and timber. She flew back as the creature swung the club down. She grabbed onto a dark, splintered slab of wood to yank out, but simultaneously the back of her legs hit a long rod that had fallen from the house she stood close to. She fell back, and the wood she had grabbed onto fell onto her. It turned out to have been on fire after all. She shrieked as she shoved the scorching wood off of her body, though not before feeling the burns on the top of her right arm and along her right side. The club swung down again and she protected her face with her left arm. Even though the blow hurt, she was more worried about the unbearable heat, flying ash and sparking embers spouting from the fire not three meters away from her. Several patches of flame fell onto her brown skin even as she painfully but quickly scrambled away.

The screech made her look up through the smoke to see a tall, lean man yanking the club out of the goblin’s hands and beating the creature with it. She noticed movement behind the spectacle, and her eyes flicked over the great boars and goblins swarming out of the reaches of the fires and smoke. The goblin fell, and her eyes swerved back.

There was a moment, a split second of observation as he looked down onto the fallen monster. The shadowed form of the man towered over her fallen and burning body. He panted the choking air, and had the club held precariously above his head. The dark ash and sparks of ember and flame danced and swirled in front of the blackened image. His minute features were clouded by shadow thanks to the red and orange light of the raging fire swirling behind him. His green eyes were wild and fierce, in the flickering light, with an enraged and almost insane glare. They moved from the goblin to the girl at his feet.

She flinched and curled away from him, convinced that he would strike her in his enraged insanity.

“HELO!” he turned and yelled to the center of the burning village before he brought the club to his side and ran after the retreating creatures.

She stilled, and only breathed for a moment before lowering her arm and peering up. Another man hurried to where the girl lay. A particularly big spark landed on her back, jerking her forward and motivating her to move up right as a pair of masculine arms grabbed her up. She yelled out as her burns were jarred and he carried her through the smoke.

“Water, everyone, to the spring!” Helo’s voice called from above her. “Protect the tavern, everything else is too far gone!”

As though to prove the point, the house that had been directly next to Strawberry collapsed. The structure gave way and erupted in flailing sparks and embers. There were new shouts and running. Though even with the fire still reaching precariously for any victims, the run still had a feel of urgency, instead of fear. Seven forms in all, -all adults of various ages- darted out the entrance of the village by the still safe shop carrying buckets. Strawberry said nothing, only grit her teeth against the pain of her fresh wounds as she was carried to the tavern, the second building yet untouched by flames.

-

The great procession of monstrous boars and moblins hurried once more through the growth of the forest. Six Hylian bodies were carried across the saddles of the creatures backs- two were female, four were male, all were in the late years of adolescents, and all were unconscious. Though the monsters did not know enough about the creatures to know this. One of the monster lackeys turned to a companion riding beside him.

“Hey, explain again why we left the littlest one behind?”

The addressed creature whipped his head at the growled question. He held onto one of the females, one with wheaten hair, to keep her from falling off the rocky motion of the boar.

“And done what? Get clobbered by that crazy farmer? You’re insane!”

“But if we all ganged up on him then he wouldn’t-”

“Then his fellow white-men would have followed suit and we would have had an all out battle.” The other barked, “Why are you so concerned anyway?”

The monster stopped, and turned away, his beady red eyes lowered sadly. “It was Gingot.”

The barking moblin softened his harsh glare. “I’m sorry Golock. I know you loved her dearly, but she endangered the mission by disobeying orders. We‘re supposed to take the ‘children‘ and leave the ones close to adulthood.”

“But…” Golock eyed the Hylian on his companion’s swine, “Aren‘t the bigger ones the older ones?”

The other looked down as well. They blinked before looking resolutely ahead. Well, nothing went wrong so far, they would just have to be more careful in the next hit.  

[Irishroseh]

It captured and held my attention all right, and I managed to picture the scene without even trying, and that is awesome. :]

I wasn't particularly looking for grammar/spellings this time around, so no long critique. BUT
The only thing, I think, is that I feel the chapter should be a teeny-tiny bit longer. I don't know, it just feels unfinished. And actually, the transition between Strider and Strawberry was just the littlest bit confusing for me.  

[Otulissa]

I don't have enough time to read it right now, but I will try to later. It's so long! But looks good. XD Will I understand the story even if I know absolutely nothing about the game?  

[SpunkyOtaku]

To Irishrseh: Yes! I'm glad! I don't want the reader to be workin' too hard. And I do find it funny that someone is actually telling me to make it a it longer, I used to have the problem o making them too long. And now that you mention it... it is unfinished. *smacks forehead* Dinda! I totally forgot to add the second transitional ending! No wonder it looks funny! I'll get around to it.
And I guess you're right about the transition...

To Outulissa: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'll be fine.... for now anyway. I mean in the beginning it won't matter at all If anything it will just add more mystery to be explained later. There will be a few 'game references' but those will be more like jokes about the universe and culture and whatnot... and offhand comments about Link's progress. In all, no, you won't need to. If there's anything you don't understand I'll explain, but you should be fine.  

[SpunkyOtaku]

Okay! I got it. Just the initial thing, but just so you know the idea for the ending... what? they can have feelings too!  

[Otulissa]

Okay then! Thanks, oh, and that's kind of like a fanfiction I'm writing! (Just see my thread). It's based on Death Note (anime and manga), but you don't need to know anything about the show/manga, because it's all basically...a different storyline. And it's in the point of view of a character who has no knowledge of the Death Note, so everything has to be explained to her. And to the reader. xD;;

Anyhow, I will try to read the second chapter soon.  

[Irishroseh]

Ah, yes, it feels 'complete' now. Except the end is kinda confusing for me, I think ima have to go back and read the whole chapter again because I'm still not clear on what happened to Strider.

But yeah, I like it. :]  

[SpunkyOtaku]

Oh okay, I see now where the confusion is (I went back to read it) It's clear up to a certain point and that's what confused you. I'll fix it up. I'd tell you, but I want to test it out again, and if you already know what happened, the test won't work, huh?  

[Irishroseh]

hahaha, true.
:]  

[SpunkyOtaku]

Argh, I'll still get that up, but Now I have a chapter four but no chapter three. Not that you need to read it in consecutive order anyway. My mind skips around. (I have a lot of material, but none of it in consecutive order.) xp So yeah, it might take me a bit longer before the next update.  

[Irishroseh]

Hahaha that's alright.

I have a fanfiction in the works, and I wrote about eight or nine pages of what I thought was the first chapter [and then the second chapter], and ended up being the third chapter.

Good times... hahahaa.  

[Otulissa]

Hi! I'm back, but busy.... xD

I can only stay on the computer for a limited time because I need to unpack and stuff. xDD  

[Otulissa]

I will start reading Chapter 2, but may not finish it.