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 Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:02 am
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There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
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Posted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 1:26 pm
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a p***s he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'd get a headache".
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 8:48 am
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I got some stare
Yo momma so fat she made Godzilla look like a Plushie.
A captain was shot and asked a sailor for a red short.The sailor asks, "Why do you want a red shirt everytime you get shot?"
Captain replies, "When I bleed,the other sailors won't see."
"Oh I get it."
~Next day~
Sailor comes by shouting to the captain, "Captain,enemy ships are approaching!"
To the captain replies, "Hand me my red shirt!"
~Next day~
Sailor shouting to the captain at the top of his lungs, "CAPTAIN A WHOLE FLEET IS APPROACHING!!! Should I get you're red shirt?"
The Captain,seeing the fleet says, "No get me my brown pants!!!"
Hey I'm looking for a cocktail waitress,and by c**k I mean mine and by tail I mean hers.
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:02 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 6:25 pm
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Remember when the platform was sliding into the firepit, and I said, "Goodbye."
And you were like, "NOWAI."
And then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you."
...That was great.
WE PRETENDED WE WERE GOING TO MURDER YOU.
(I got that from a game called Portal, I think. Only people with a really twisted sense of humor will laugh, though.)
------------------------------------------------------
"Why are you British anyway?"
"I'm not British, I'm just gay."
WHY ARE YOU BRITISH?
(Gay as in happy, mofo. And I'm from London, so I don't consider this racist.)
----------------------------------------------------------
"I have your brain scanned, and permanately backed up incase something terrible happens to you. Which it's just about to. Don't believe me? Here, I'll put you on."
"HALLLOOOO~"
"That's you. That's how dumb you sound."
Hetalia Has Your Brain.
----------------------------------------------------------
"In England, we have lousy weather, but the girls are always half naked. We live on an island, but you get there by train. We have a queen, but her husband's only a prince~! We built the European community, but in the end, we kept the pound. We have dominated the world, but also, we like to be dominated. We invented football(Soccer to you americans), but our national team is run by an Italian. We have the most ridiculous police uniforms, but somehow, it seems to work. We love a well-tailored suit, but we also love a well-tailored dress. We don't know how to cook, but we make goot biscuits..."
ARTHUR KIRKLAND- HE'S ENGLISH, BUT HE'S GOOD!
-------------------------------------------------------------
APH Flash for Hetalia Day
Crack Fanflashes
Iggy's London Bridge
Trigger Happy
England's Eyebrows
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:04 am
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:18 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 8:18 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 8:31 am
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American." <--- lol, im not racist or anything i just thought it was funny
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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 9:19 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 9:24 am
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Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:51 pm
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Lunar Isteru 1k=1000gold If you make me laugh 1 time you get 1k If you make me laugh 2 times you get 2k If you make me laugh and then somebody else makes me laugh you both get 1k. If it ends up you make me laugh then two other people make me laugh you get 2k each,, deal? Deal! Lets get it started!? Rule--- NO RACIAL OR DISCRIMENATING JOKES AGAINST A SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR COLOR
Will this make you laugh? : One day a man takes his mother, who has cancer to the docter. The Doctor comes out and says "Son, i have good news, and bad news. What do u want first? The man, naturally, asks the for bad news first. The Doctor says, " Well son, your mother has lost all control over her arms, so now you'll have to feed her and stay with her 24/7 in case she needs help." The son is mortified! The Doctor says" WAIT! THERES MORE! Your mother has lost all control over her legs! That means you'll have to walk her and go buy her groceries for her" The son is in near tears over this terrible news. "BUT WAIT!", the doctor says, "THERES MORE! Your mother has also lost all control over her bowels, so you'll have to carry a bowl over her 24/7 in case she has to go. You'll also have to clean up after her when she's done" By now the son is devastated and just in TEARS! He sobs and asks the doctor," Doc-hiccup-whats the-sniff- good news?"
The doctor says" IM JUST SHITTING YA SON, SHES DEAD!" HAHAHAHAHA! |
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Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 1:57 pm
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Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 2:33 pm
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Always_falling_to_nothing
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Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:23 am
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-Dr-swaq- ok here i go ok a girl and her mom take a shower and the lil girl asks "mom what that as she pointed down then to her chest."well that my daughter is a hairy jungle with 2 coconuts " said her mother. the next day she showerd with her father and shepointed down and asked"whats that?"and he replied"well thats a snake" the next day she sees her mom and dad "doing it" and the daughter yells"MOM BE CAREFUL THE SNAKE IS GONNA GET IN TO YOUR JUNGLE,HIT IT WITH YOUR COCONUTS!!! xD funny eh???
Haha okay now THAT was one that actually made me laugh. oye |
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