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 Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 8:42 pm
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Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 6:31 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:23 pm
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[Timeline]
I despise the truth. They say it will always set you free - and yet, it has instead tormented me.
There is an ancient saying within the Heiland Clan that love shall be determined by the highest bidder. Strong lineage, good marriage ties, connections, alliances, dowry - these things decide the wealth of a relationship. The amount of love put into anything does not increase its value, yes? Because love is ephemeral. And it's unkind. And it's of the cheapest fabric. Everyone loves.
With this in mind, how toxic is my infatuation with men? Is it not my greatest weakness - this connection to people that cannot provide me with much more than love? If I were stronger, would I not desire the other sex, at least equally? Would I not be willing to deal with it? I used to think I knew the answers to these questions, but things grow more complicated as I grow older. With Wei, my first and last lover, I confessed this concern. He was proud of himself and who he was - he wished to share it all, so he told me the truth of what he knew - that it didn't hurt so much as it helped, to be loved by who you want.
To my naive mind, these words meant everything. However, they raise questions for my more cynical self. These questions go all the way back to the beginnings of my sexuality. I discovered my latent attachment to men through the living room window of my home. I was outside, playing, with one of my father's friends speaking to him in the room. I watched their conversation because I wanted to know what it was like - being so powerful, speaking about important things that affected so many lives. I'd be doing that one day. But instead of speaking, they engaged in an unorthodox act. My father brought his pale-faced, blond-haired lover against the sofa and made love to him. I watched nearly the whole thing - it was passionate, it was violent, it was unique. It held none of the restraint of my father and mother and their . . . peculiar nighttime activities.
When I tried as well - to be romantic with a woman, I felt the same restraint. I perhaps realized that it was not because of her lack of passion, but because of mine. I felt a complete gap between our hearts - there was nothing to be found in mine, her love shooting at a blank wall. And I knew, fully, for the first time - that I was different.
- - -
My Beloved Heiland,
Softly travels the heart, my dear Kleine. I don't really understand this saying myself - but, the people in your settlement sure like to speak it. "Atval morgen ju prier." I suppose what I don't get about this line is that... it's wrong, right? The heart doesn't travel softly. A single movement in it stirs the whole body - you know it. Do they mean beating? I wouldn't consider that travel, but rather repetition. Stillness is not a great migration, but instead a constant submission to defeat.
Either way, my point stands: hearts don't travel very well! It's taken me a lot of battles with pill bottles and good health habits to keep mine from bursting out of my chest . . . from whenever I see you. Oh silence, I know I'm always so overly romantic. You complain about it all the time. I just can't help it - the words appear in my head, and the lamer they are, the more likely I am to speak them. That's just how I am, Mister Kleine. Do try to forgive.
I understand that I live not very far from you, but still - I'd like to ask that you read this letter and take it fully seriously. I have a few things that I'd like to share with you.
The truth is, my dear, I am completely terrified of our joined futures. I've been trying to make money here and there, but I can barely keep myself on, let alone take you under my wing. I know that you always tell me to not worry, and that you come from a rich family, but I do worry. Because I don't want to always be looked down at by Granny Karnata and the rest. I want just the two of us to be able to keep strong and eat well. Without anyone else.
So - in regards to seriousness, I would like you to know that I will be learning eiseijutsu so that I may work at a hospital. The pay is well for renowned medics, especially considering the amount of demand for healing abilities after the long war between us and Cloud. There's a bit of excitement. I've started to work with this genius young firestarter named Christian. He's an Uzumaki. What a sweet boy!
Unfortunately this means I will be busier than at last we spoke. But, fear not my gallant little shire. I am not - in fact - going to be gone long. In fact, I may even be the one to drop this letter off to you.
Love, Your Charlatan
"Wei," I smiled back then. Even though I didn't really know how to feel around him, the presence of this man who claimed to love me brought me a great deal of comfort. He would always knock at my door and he would always ask how I was doing - wherever I was, he'd come find me. He was like the angel over my shoulder. Soon enough, after all of that madness, I started to love him back.
An angel indeed. I never told him this, but I would pray to God to keep him safe. I didn't pray for myself. Because . . . he kept me safe.
“My sweet Kleine,” he’d call me, and wrap me in an embrace. I was shorter back then, and thinner, and not amazingly attractive. I suppose I looked rather innocent, with my bright blond hair and my bright blue eyes. He told me he loved that about me. I began to love it about myself.
Eventually, of course, sexuality became a factor. It wasn’t just hugs and smiles and “I love you’s”, he started to want to kiss and hold hands and more. I wanted it all too, I was just afraid. I was terrified, really. What did all of this mean for my future? Was my genitalia not reserved solely for the bearer of my children? And if not my genitalia – then would my backside not experience immense pain, and frequently? Was it even enjoyable? Was he just using me?
Would he still love me if he had me? Hysteria always told me that those who wanted did not keep; those who needed did not earn, those who begged would not own. There were many meanings in this series of statements. One, that from desire there was only heartbreak, that men and women alike would leave when they got what they wanted. Secondly, it meant that relations built from fear or desperation would never last. Third, those who would do anything to keep their love secured would always lose it.
With these infinite fears, was there ever really a chance for relationships? I still wonder that now.
I succumbed, however – I slept with him. It was . . . nice. Real nice. I’d never had the context of love in my sexuality since then – and I wonder, did that not make it millions of times more appealing? That sort of comfort, I no longer know it. I wonder if I have longed for it.
In honesty, I very deeply miss my beloved Wei. I suppose you could say it’s almost crippling. As I write this down in my journal, I can’t seem to stop myself from crying. It’s soft at first, but then it pours – then it becomes wild, I wail like a beast. I didn’t know I had it in me anymore. But it’s easy: I just ask myself simple questions and it all comes back. Why did I have to kill him? He loved me so purely. Should I blame myself, or blame the Enemy?
I can’t handle it – these questions. It’s too much. I have lived my entire life on the brink of collapse. I can’t allow him to force my fall. He’s no longer here to take my hand and bring me back.
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Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 6:27 am
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◭Yami ◮
Hello, my name is Yami, And this....
Is my story.
⇍⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎
Walking through the grassland of his once old and great home, he looked into the sky that's slowly setting. Heading towards this old bridge, he saw kleine. "Kleine?" He said, he was standing there thinking. Yami smiled and walked over to him. Kleine, who would have thought his once village member would turn to the Strongest Villain to his lover. "Whats wrong." He said as he would walk over to the tall standing person. "Are you alright?" He asked concerned.
⇍⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎u⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎⇎
▸ Yami: You always tell me to use the pain of loosing someone....but I've never really lost anyone.
▹▸ Testial: For me, it's my greatest source of anger, and then it just builds up inside me until..
▸▹▸ Finally... It explodes.
Samara's Trail - Passive
No one is able to pinpoint what or who you are without you telling them. For some reason, you are simply an enigma; background information cannot be found, your class and bloodline cannot be identified, even by dojutsu . . . this gives you a clean slate in every situation.
Samara
Black widow
Assassin
Status: Alive-
Alliance: Kusa, Kiri
Jounin Anbu- Speed: 12(+3/-1) / Strength: 6((+1/-1))
4,000 ryo
Chakra points:305
Toad summoner rank: Original summoner
Toad summoning: N/A
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