XXX JOKES

[Identity99]

haloshatterer

Identity99

Little Johnny and his father were taking a walk down the street when Johnny spotted two dogs going at it.
"Daddy, what are they doing?" He asked.
"Well, son, they are making a puppy."
"Oh."

That night Johnny is walking down the hallway in his home when he spots his parents having sex in their bedroom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" He asked.
"We're making you a little brother!"
Johnny huffed and put his hands on his hips, "Well, flip her around! I'd RATHER have a puppy!"

xd

my butt's now sore coz i fell off the chair from laughing too hard rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

I know, don't you love little Johnny..? heart  

[~Before I Forget~]

~Before I Forget~

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband,
"It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and
let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."
The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" said the wife?
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
unfortunately died at the scene.

i thought it was funny  

[Adaghar]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-b***h who ran over my FROG!"  

[Adaghar]

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch p***s, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"
In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch p***s, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."
Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."  

[haloshatterer]

Adaghar

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-b***h who ran over my FROG!"

rofl rofl rofl so funny, but so wrong rofl rofl rofl  

[~Before I Forget~]

this one gross but funny


so and indian walks into a bar with a dead cat and a bag the indean says bartender give me a shot so the bartender gives him a shot he drinks it shoots the bag and takes a bit of the dead cat bartender give me anouther shot curiously the bartender gives the indean anouther shot the indean drinks it and takes the bit of the dead cat and shoots the bag bartender give me anouther shot he says sertinly but may i ask you what your doing as the bartender poors the glass the indean says im just trying to be like the whit my man shoot s**t and eat p***y all day  

[1ofmany]

what worse than a dead baby in a box? - 1 dead baby in 10 Boxes

worse than that? - 10 dead babies in 1 box

worse than that? - 1 live baby at the bottem

worse than that? - Him eaten his way out

worse than that? - him going back for seconds

scream iknow there wrong scream  

[haloshatterer]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!  

[SeXeH RAWR PaNdA]

1ofmany

what worse than a dead baby in a box? - 1 dead baby in 10 Boxes

worse than that? - 10 dead babies in 1 box

worse than that? - 1 live baby at the bottem

worse than that? - Him eaten his way out

worse than that? - him going back for seconds

scream iknow there wrong scream

that is funny but wrong  

[Sogeki Skellington]

A PENGUIN IS TAKING A ROAD TRIP WHEN HIS CAR BREAKS DOWN. LUCKILY FOR HIM, HE FINDS HIMSELF JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM A MECHANIC. SO, HE PUSHES HIS CAR TO THE SHOP AND ASKS THE MECHANIC TO TAKE A LOOK. THE MECHANIC TELLS HIM THAT IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE A LITTLE WHILE TO FIND THE PROBLEM AND ASKS HIM TO COME BACK IN AN HOUR.
THE PENGUIN GOES OVER TO THE SUPERMARKET AND BUYS SOME FROZEN FISH AND SOME VANILLA ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH AND SPENDS THE REST OF THE HOUR HANGING OUT IN THE FROZEN FOODS SECTION. AFTER THE HOUR IS UP, HE WADDLES BACK OVER TO THE MECHANIC'S SHOP. SEEING HIM COMING, THE MECHANIC WALKS OVER, AND WIPING HIS HANDS ON A RAG, SAYS,"LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE JUST BLOWN A SEAL." THE PENGUIN BLUSHES, WIPES HIS BEAK WITH HIS FLIPPER AND SAYS, "NO, IT'S JUST SOME VANILLA ICE CREAM."  

[Sogeki Skellington]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are
sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."  

[so_dope_money]

Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend
the night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there
weren't enough bedrooms.

The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two
daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms.
Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they were going
to score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of
signals so that each could let the other two know if they were
successful.

The first said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell,
"Freight train through bedroom one!"

The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through bedroom two!"

Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell,"Freight train through
bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail
train through bedroom two!" was heard.

Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out,
"Handcar through the attic!"  

[so_dope_money]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"  

[so_dope_money]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did
you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her
license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there
once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.  

[so_dope_money]

So one day little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to his mom, "Mom, grandma's got her shrimps hanging out again."

Knowing that the grandma is going a little senile in her old age, mom goes out into the living room and finds grandma sitting in her lazy-boy with her dress up and her panties around her ankles.

Not knowing how she is going to explain this to her son, the mom goes back into the kitchen and says to little Johnny, " Honey, those aren't shrimps. They are part of the v****a which is the female reproductive organ on a woman, just like the p***s is for a man."

Little Johnny replies, "Well whatever you say mom but they sure taste like shrimps to me!"