Lines You'll Never Hear

[Darkened Angel]

Uncle Palpatine ( in Uncle Sam outfit, pointing ): I want YOU to join the Dark Side. ( Visit your local Dark Lord of the Sith for details. )

Rebel Commander: He's switched off his targetting computer. Luke, is everything all right?
( silence )
Rebeal Commander: Luke?
( silence )
Rebel Commander: Is he too busy smooching on his sister to destroy the Death Star?
Rebel Officer: Uh... my fault sir.
Rebel Commander: Dammit, man! What the Hell made you think it was a good idea to let her go with him?
Rebel Officer: Relax sir, there's not much room for them. Why, they'd have to be REALLY close, as if they were having...
Rebel Commander: Good God, man! Are you nuts?
Rebel Officer: Well, she said she'd put in a good word for me with that female Rebel Officer if I helped her get inside his ship.
Rebel Commander: Wait, THAT female officer? THAT'S MY SISTER, YOU MORON!
Rebel Officer: Oh Hell...
* vicious beating *  

[Mademoiselle Kit]

Anakin: I can't wait for the baby to be born.

Padme: Neither can I.

Anakin: Because I can't wait to have you back to normal size.

Padme: Yeah I- WHAT?!!!! *Beating Anakin with a stick* DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS BEFORE YOU SAY THEM?!!!!  

[NickCpointless]

Naboo Figther pilot1: look at that its blowing up from the inside
Naboo Figther pilot2:but we didnt hit it.....did we
Naboo Figther pilot3:i did it
Naboo Figther pilot2:how?
Naboo Figther pilot3:I crushed them with my mind hahahahahahahaha
Naboo Figther pilot1: eek
Naboo Figther pilot2: eek  

[Nospai Deathous]

trash compactor scene, blah blah blah...

Han: What an incredible /smell/ you've discovered!
Luke: Sorry, that was me.  

[Darkened Angel]

Vader: * activates lightsaber * Ignite your saber so we may battle.
Luke: ... * snicker *
Vader: What's so funny?
Luke: * starts laughing *
Vader: What!?
Luke: * laughing * Dude, your shadow, with the saber...
Vader: Huh? * looks * Oh. Heheh. I always knew I was superior, but THAT'S just ridiculous! * laughs *
Palpatine: ENOUGH! Can you get to fighting before I die of old age here? Sheesh! * mumbles * Idiots...  

[Missing00]

The morning just before the battle of Yavin IV

Tarkin: Uh...No....Ahh!......I just had the srangest dream. I dreamt that just as we were going to blow up a rebel base planet, A giant X-wing shot at us and just before he blew up A giant gungan head appered before me ans said. Yousa mine now bitcha. And then I woke up.
Vader:*waking up next to Tarkin* Tell me about it. I keep getting the one about the "West Side Story" type battle between our stormies and the rebels.
Palpatine: *coming to the bedside* Thats nothing. when I sleep all I see is nausiating colors just swirling occasionally taking the shape of a unicorn telling me to throw myself out of the airlock.
Vader: That wasnt a dream, Your just high all the time.
Palpy: Oh yeah........heh heh *Smokes a joint* Your voice sounds weird heh.  

[Uncle Choco]

Vader: So, you must be the new enemy the Emperor has forseen. Draw your weapon so I can finish you off!
The mysterious opponent draws out a blade.
Vader:THE MASTER SWORD?!?! How is that possible?!
Link: Pretty simple, really. I'm the savior of Hyrule.
Vader: Perhaps you are, but I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. And I will hand your a** back to you.
Link: I don't think so. I have this sword, these bow and arrows that fly fast and true, this longhook that can puncture your armor, and the blessing of the Great Fairies, who's magic is more powerful than you can imagine. And now behold my awesome fighting skills! Kyyyyaaaaa!!!
Vader: *Force-chokes Link* *Sigh* They fall all too easily...  

[FrozenPhoenix32]

(cont.)

*fairies revive link, theme song plays*

Vader: I thought you just died!
Link: I was revived! by the fairies!
*Vader ignites saber*
*they duel, but the master sword gets cut into four*
*link splits to four*

Link: looky the four sword!  

[Uncle Choco]

(cont.)

Vader: Great! Now there's four of them! Looks like I'll just kill you one by one!
Awesome lightsaber/sword battle ensues.
Vader: *Slashes off hands of a Link* It seems that I can't fight you anymore. I never hit an /unarmed/ opponent.
Link: Very funny. I can still fight you! Its only a flesh wound!
Other Link Hit him with the shrubbery!!!
Other Links: Nee! Nee! Nee!
Vader: Now this is getting rediculous! Thanks to you I'm going to have to fend off Monty Python's copyright lawyers!!! *Force-chokes the Links and is done with it*  

[Capn Deep Blusi]

Cont.
Link gets a lightsaber lodged into his stomach.
Link:Navi...finish him.
Navi sad as arnold shwartzenegger) I will dispose of this scum! YOUAREONFIREGETOUT!!!!
Vader:.....This'll be-
Navi turns into a lightsaber.
Vader:easy? OH s**t! Im schitzophreznic!!  

[Darkened Angel]

Cont.

* Arnie comes in as the Terminator *

Arnie: Who is the smarty pants imitating my voice without my permission?
Everyone but Navi: Her! * all point to Navi *
Arnie: Ah, I'll kill you ALL anyways. * pulls out a rotary cannon * Hasta La Viesta, Baby, * looks at Link * Dork in Tights * looks at Vader * and Creepy Guy! * guns everyone down * You are terminated!
* John Conner appears *
John: Dude, what are you-AAAAAGGGGGHHH!!! * gets killed by walking right into the hailstorm of bullets *
Arnie: Oh s**t...  

[Kittensaurex]

Cont.

Boba: *walks in and gasps* Lord Vader! You still had to pay me for that last bounty! *glares at Arnie* Prepare to be hunted.
Arnie:...by a girly man like you?
Boba: *does really awsome gadget pushing of buttons as theme song plays in the background... really random theme song music*
Random booming voice: Boba Fett vs. California's Governato-I mean-Terminator!

(Woot! Go Boba!)  

[Nospai Deathous]

(con't)

Ahnold: So, you wahnna feight!?!

Boba: *giggle*

Ahnie: Whaaaahht?

Boba: *composing himself* yeah, I wanna fight. I'll take you down.

Ahnie: Goood. Prepah to be tehrminated, bounty huntah!

Boba: *titter*

Ahnie: Whaaat?! Stop laffing aht mee!

Boba: *falls over, guffawing*

Ahnie: Stop! STOOOOOP!!! *explodes*

Boba: *gets up, trying to wipe tears of laughter, remembers he's wearing a helmet* grrr.. *looks around* *takes off helmet, revealing scarred post-sarlacc face*

random voice: EEEEEEK!!

Boba: why does no one see me for who I really am, not the utterly scarred and deformed, cold, heartless bounty hunter I appear to... wait. oh, yeah. *puts helmet back on and kicks Ahnold's remains*

Ahnie's remains: *grope*  

[Darkened Angel]

Vader: ... Yes, we will destroy all but THAT one neighborhood, because that's where the Conner family lives.
Stormie: I don't understand? Why spare them?

* Arnie somehow survived that last bit and barges in *

Arnie: Because he is wise. He fears Sarah Conner, because she's a gun-loving psycho with-
Vader: DIE ALREADY! * Force Chokes Arnie to death * Just because he got to play a bad-a** robot in the movies he thinks he can just barge in anywhere and say random crap...
Stormie: So, who made the the whole " Only 1 can be the true Dark Lord of the Sith " anyhow?
Vader: Conner McCloud?
Stormie: Who?
Vader: Ever seen " Highlander " ?
Stormie: Oh, him.

( Long ago, when the Sith were finishing setting up their code and stuff... )

Conner: But we can't have 2 Lords of the Sith. We can only have 1 to lead us all.
Bubba: Ya'll ain't-a gonna take mah po-zishun away from me now, boy!
Conner: There can be only one! * kills Bubba * And he won't be a damned Redneck either!
Sith people: All hail Lord Conner!
Conner: NO! Not Lord Conner. My name from now on will be...

( Few moments of silence )

Advisor: Sir. perhaps " Darth Bagochips " will work. "
Conner: FROM THIS DAY FORTH, ALL THOSE WHO ARE TRUE TO THE WAYS OF THE SITH WILL BE GIVEN THE TITLE OF " DARTH " AND A SYMBOLLIC NAME! AND I AM NO LONGER CONNER MCCLOUD! NOW, I AM DARTH BAGOCHIPS!
Sith people: ALL HAIL DARTH BAGOCHIPS! ALL HAIL DARTH BAGOCHIPS!  

[Elizabitch Taylor]

Han: Luke..... I am your mother....

Luke: Wtf? O.o eek