201 ΡδρζαΓ

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

It was all he could do to try and hide what he was feeling. From the way Micha was staring at him, he knew the male could sense something was off about him. He was always quick to pick these things up. On the one hand it was nice to be so cared for. But it certainly made lying harder when he didn't want to talk. He did his best to keep his face blank as he shook his head. There must have been something there though that still gave him away. Whether it was in his kiss or in his voice he didn't know. Perhaps it was both. What happened next surprised him. He wasn't used to being manhandled so forcefully....not since Paris anyway. Samuel thought about protesting but it seemed Micha's mind was made up. He was going to lie there next to him if he liked it or not.

Samuel laid there awkwardly as he was face to face with Micha. He hadn't been given the option to make himself comfortable. His arms were folded with his hands still against Micha's chest and his legs were sprawled like a doll thrown across the room. His sweet, gentle voice only made him feel more vulnerable. Casting his eyes down, he shook his head again. "It's stupid." he said, voice cracking a bit. His mouth clamped closed as he tried hold back his emotions. How could explain that he still felt like he was dreaming? That it felt like none of this was real and he had conned himself in to believing Micha was back. That it felt wrong to be this happy again like none of it ever happened. He couldn't....not without sounding like a crazy person.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

Moments like this he wish he could read Samuel’s mind. However he found he was unreadable. Micha knew Samuel wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to know. He hadn’t been trying to be forceful with him. Micha was worried, especially seeing Samuel was acting strange. He was used to his strangeness but this concerned him. Micha didn’t know what he was thinking. In his own way, he worried he had done something wrong too.

Lying beside Samuel, he released him. Micha pulled back from him giving him space. He reached out, cupping Samuel’s face as Samuel seemed to shy away from him. ”Tell me...Maybe I can fix it.” Micha spoke softly as he was worried about what as going through Samuel’s head. He could see the fear in him but didn’t want to assume.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

It was a shame Micha was so limited at reading him. Hell, at times he too wished he could read his mind. At least then he would know of the chaos inside his head and perhaps have some kind of solution to his problem. Even if he wanted to tell Micha, he wasn't sure he could put it into words. Or maybe he could and he just didn't want to. He was scared of how Micha would react. Would he hate him? Comfort him? Call him an idiot for thinking this way? Probably. After all, it wasn't even that crucial.

Samuel continued to lay beside the male as he soon gave him his space. He didn't bother moving from his spot, he was fine where he was. He shook his head when asked for more details, his voice cracking a bit as he spoke. It didn't surprise him when Micha practically begged him to speak. "You can't. It's that stupid." he replied, smiling in spit of himself. He laid there quietly for several breaths. He knew his answer was no good. Micha wanted him to talk, and keeping it inside was doing him no good.

Rolling on to his other side, he turned his back to Micha. He wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the sheets beneath him as he took a breath. "Would you be mad if I said I'm afraid" he asked, his heartbeat starting to race. He waited a few moments and soon turned back to the male. "I'm afraid of getting back together.....I'm afraid of being dominated again like in Paris.....most of all, I'm afraid of just being happy again. What if things mess up again? Do I just forget that I love you? Or or, that you even came back at all?" by this point he knew he was rambling. But his feelings were there all the same. When Micha left he had hurt him both emotionally and psychically. He wanted to be open to new things and share new experiences. But body and soul he wasn't sure he was ready. Even after a year of pining, he still felt unworthy.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

Micha feared he was doing everything wrong. He wondered if he was doing more harm than good by coming back. Micha didn’t know what Samuel wanted. He had thought Samuel was happy to have him back, but perhaps it was his own self delusion. MIcha worried that with the past twenty-four hours, that what he wanted was not the same for Samuel. It had been over a year almost since they had last been together. He didn’t know if Samuel was just going with the flow of things for him, or was it what he wanted.

Lying there he didn’t crowd Samuel. He watched as Samuel spoke, it almost crushed him to watch Samuel. Micha saw the smile but it wasn’t an honest one. He watched as Samuel soon rolled over facing away from him. Micha lay there giving him the space he needed to think. He saw no need to rush things as it would do him no good. Micha listened as Samuel spoke, understanding his fear. He didn’t know if things would work out between them but he was willing to try.

As Samuel rolled back toward him, he listened as he spewed out a lot of random things. Micha worried that Samuel would feel this way. He only had himself to blame. Micha shifted in the bed, as he sat up. He crossed his legs, as he looked Samuel over. ”None of this is stupid Samuel...You have every right to worry. I can’t promise I won’t hurt you...I can’t promise that things will always work out between us...But what I can promise you is that I love you, I’m not going anywhere...but if you need time to think all this over...Then I can give you the space you need.” Micha spoke feeling like a lost dog, being sent away until his owner wanted him again. He understood the fear, after all he had felt it all last night returning back the club. Now sitting here, it was all rushing back to him.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

Nothing Micha had done was wrong. It was all just him in his stupid head with his stupid thoughts. He didn't know how or when, but somewhere in his twenty-six years of life he had made an art of making others uncomfortable for his mistakes. He was happy Micha was back, that wasn't a lie. Neither was it a lie when he said he wanted to be with him. All year he had wanted nothing more than to be together with Micha. At the same time though, when he finally did show up he didn't know what to do with himself. Feelings of pain, love, guilt, and longing lingered within him. Washing over one another like a wave in the sea, he didn't know which one he should focus on more.

Lying there, Samuel released these feelings, putting them as plainly as he could. He could tell that he was hurting Micha by talking about this. He wanted it to stop. He didn't understand why he couldn't just be happy. He wanted to try, at least that was what he kept telling himself. He knew everything that had happened was his own fault. If he hadn't been so clingy or controlling or cheated for no reason other than his own selfish desire to be touched again by someone that wanted him. Maybe he wouldn't be feeling this way.

Samuel chose to stay where he was as Micha sat up in the bed. He watched as he crossed his legs, his eyes sweeping over him. When he spoke, almost all of it was similar to what was said before. No promises, another "I love you", and another choice. He stared blankly as he felt as though he were once again back in the hotel room. The words he should have said, sitting on edge of his tongue but he couldn't bare to say them. "Don't go." He thought. What he said he feared most of all was a lie. While he did fear allowing himself to be happy. He feared watching Micha walk out that door again. He feared him never coming back. It didn't matter how often Micha said he would always be there for him. The fear would linger and he worried it would only get worse over time.

Sitting up slowly, he turned towards the male but would not look at him. "What if space and time aren't enough?" he asked softly. "All year all I've done is think while I was given time and space. What if none of this is repairable? I mean, is it even possible for two people to come back together after being apart for so long? What if love and happy daydreams aren't enough?" He hated himself as each word passed his lips. It was unfair to question him like this. He knew Micha to be hurting just as much as he was and here he was again trying to play the victim.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

Micha wasn’t blaming Samuel for anything. If anything it was his fault. He had put Samuel in this state. Micha wondered if trying to be something they weren’t was even a good idea. He didn’t want to hurt Samuel anymore. Micha knew he shouldn’t have come back to Samuel. He should have just stayed away after all he was going more harm than good. Micha thought everything would be better for the two of them. He was just delusional and being selfish.

Watching as Samuel remained quiet. He already felt like an idiot for being here. Micha didn’t even know why he tried to work things out. He wasn’t going to push Samuel away. Micha loved him, but perhaps love just wasn’t the answer anymore. He didn’t want to hurt Samuel, but it was hard not to.

As shifted in the bed, he saw him cast his eyes away. Micha listened as Samuel spoke, he could feel his own heart breaking all over again. He shifted in the bed, as he moved to stand. ”Then we can go back to being bartender and photographer, or nothing at all.” Micha spoke watching Samuel. He didn’t want to make false promises, perhaps one last time together was all they really had.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

Samuel was broken long before he had met Micha. Even before they met, he had difficulty trusting others. In the end he was always left in the dark. Broken, shattered, used goods. Samuel had wondered how things might be when and if Micha had returned. After awhile he stopped thinking about it because he knew these kind of thoughts would just drive him away. Just like he drove everyone else away. He couldn't stop himself from wanting to try. He loved Micha with all his heart. He missed what they had, he missed being with him day in and day out. He had wanted the world and he was filled with doubt. Samuel didn't dare look up as he spoke. He knew nothing he said would comfort them or be of any help. He was only making matters worse.

He soon felt the bed shift beside him and at last he looked up. Seeing Micha standing there pain choked him. Here it was. Micha was walking out on him all over again. He barely heard the words spoken to him as the sound of his own racing, or rather breaking, heart beat filled his ears. The lump in his hard made it near impossible to swallow. He bowed his head again and squeezed his eyes shut. There was nothing more he could say. At this point he felt as though that was all he could say without making it worse. Without making Micha hate him. Without hating himself even more. It felt like they were breaking up before anything had even started. Yet it felt just bad as the night things went to hell. It was all he could do to keep from bursting out crying. Though it probably didn't matter. At this point he wasn't sure there was much between left to save.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

Micha knew Samuel had fear. He did as well. Micha didn’t know what to expect out of all this. He wanted to work things out with Samuel. Micha thought things were going well, but perhaps it was on in his head. He didn’t want to leave Samuel, but he felt like he was being pushed away this time. Micha watched as Samuel didn’t speak but saw him lower his head and close his eyes. He stood there for a while watching Samuel. Micha could see he was already thinking the worst of him. ”Answer me this...I’m not asking if you love me enough...I want to know do you want me to stay?...I don’t want to leave Samuel.” He spoke as he stood there feeling almost vulnerable himself. Micha didn’t love or care for anyone else. If he had then, what would have been the point of coming back. They may never have what they had before, but perhaps they could built upon it and create something different.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

In his current state it was hard to keep his unwanted thoughts at bay. It wasn't fair to himself or Micha. He didn't want to go back to being nothing. He couldn't stand the idea of being nothing. And he wasn't sure he would be able to contain himself if they went back to their respective positions either. His thoughts were poisoning his mind and he didn't know how to make the situation any better than it was. If anything, he felt as though he were doing the complete opposite. Lowering his head, he closed his head and tried to calm down. His panicked attitude was doing nothing for either of them. He could feel Micha watching him. He dared not even think about what he must have thought of his outburst. He opened his eyes slowly as Micha spoke again. Of course he didn't want him to leave. What would have been the point in bringing him back here if only to have him leave again. It was too cruel. "No, no.....Just, come back." Crawling across the bed, Samuel stood up on his knees and grabbed the males hand. With his free hand, he brushed back Micha's hair and pressed a kiss to his temple. "I'm sorry. Stay, please.....Just stay." Pulling back, he gave the male a pleading look. This is why he hated telling Micha stuff. It always ended up like this and he hated it. He always ruined everything and Micha didn't deserve any of it.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

MIcha wasn’t mad at Samuel. He knew that it got the best of him sometimes. MIcha was used to Samuel’s thoughts controlling him, but it seemed this was the worst. He didn’t know what to think, nor did he know how to help. Micha only knew that he wasn’t going anywhere. He was going to stick by Samuel’s side after all it’s what he came back for. Micha had missed him; he had missed the sound of his voice and his teasing nature. He watched as Samuel opened his eyes to look at him. Micha listened as Samuel spoke watching as he crawled across the bed to grab his hand. Standing before Samuel, he looked at him feeling his hand sweep up brushing his hair from his face. Micha relaxed as Samuel kissed his temple. He sighed softly, moving toward the bed. Micha reached out slipping his arms around Samuel’s waist. ”I’m not going anywhere...but you can’t continue to bottle things in.” He spoke softly as he leaned over kissing Samuel gentle on the lips. MIcha remained where he was watching Samuel. He knew it was only the first day between them, but communication was still key.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

He didn't mean to put Micha through all of this. It didn't make stop feeling guilty all the same. He couldn't help himself, the ugly thoughts, and the waves of depression creeping in like a rising tide. Always there, somewhere in the back of his mind, waiting to bring out the worst in him. For years now it had been suggested to him he try an anti-depressant. But he always shrugged it off and went on as though nothing were wrong.....at least until something did go wrong. Samuel didn't like Micha seeing him like this. Even worse, he didn't like lashing out at him. He wanted Micha to feel safe and welcome in both his home and his company. But how could he do that if he continued to ramble and go off like an escaped mental patient? Crawling across the bed, he picked up Micha's hand and quietly apologized before kissing him. Despite his panicked ramblings, he wanted him there. He needed him. Just like Micha needed him too. He pulled away as the male sighed, relaxing as a bit as he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him. Samuel listened to the male speak, nodded quietly, but made no promises in return. In his heart he knew that they were going to need to be more open to survive. He feared if he opened up more, Micha was going to hate what he had to offer. Just now was another glimpse of what went on inside his head. The rest was equally ugly and he couldn't say if Micha would be patient enough to hear him out during his next outburst. As the male leaned down, he closed his eyes and kissed him back. He kissed him a few more times before pulling away.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

As he stood there, he knew there were things over the past year that Samuel had gone through. Without being there, he hadn’t witnessed a lot of it until now. Micha watched Samuel as he held onto him. He was used to Samuel’s panic and anxiety but nothing compared to this. Micha knew they needed to sit down and have a talk about it but not right now. He just wanted to hold Samuel a little longer. Micha could try and help Samuel, but what if he needed some sort of professional help. He took note of the empty promise, as if it didn’t exist. Micha knew it would take time with Samuel, before he could actually trust him. He was willing to take the time. Kissing Samuel, he felt him return the kiss before pulling away. Micha pulled back from Samuel, as he looked him over. He reached a hand out pushing a lock of hair behind his ear. ”Did you want me to clean you up, or would you rather just cuddle?” Micha asked curiously knowing there was still some time before they went to eat, that is if Samuel still wanted to before he had to get to work.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

Samuel could take a stab at what Micha must be thinking right now. If he wanted to get better all he had to do was just open up and he would feel better. If that didn't work he could try therapy or medication or both. Things he'd heard before plenty of times. When said out loud they made perfect sense. But when reality reared its ugly head it proved to be different. In the long run he felt more comfortable cooping than dealing. If it meant his finger nails looked like s**t because he'd bit them past the quick or he had to order his things alpha-numerically, than he didn't mind it. His life would continue on even with these little quirks. What he hated were his outbursts. It wasn't fair to become angry or take it out on someone who only wanted to help. Love be damned he didn't know why Micha continued to choose him. But he was happy he did.

Samuel nodded quietly before kissing Micha. They shared a few gentle kisses before he pulled back. He sat back on his haunches, still holding his hand as Micha looked him over. He sat there contently as Micha brushed back his hair. He couldn't only imagine how messy it was. Hearing the males question, he gave a half shrug. "I think I might take a quick shower, then go smoke a bit." he replied. Releasing the males hand, he stood up from the bed, ruffled his hair a bit, and walked out the door. Samuel knew Micha worried but right now he wanted to get his head on straight before doing anymore damage. He walked the short distance from his room to the bathroom and slipped inside. For the third time that day, he grabbed a towel from the linen closet and padded over to the glass shower. He didn't bother waiting for the water to heat up, he just stepped inside and twisted the knobs. The water was hot and steam quickly started to form around him. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He pushed his hair back and let their conversation play once more in his head like a movie on the silver screen.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

There were many things on his mind but for now they could wait. He didn’t want to push Samuel to the point of having another breakdown. There would be many discussions yet to come, but he wanted to take his time. Micha didn’t to overwhelm Samuel right off the bat. He released Samuel as he pulled away from him. Micha didn’t mind nor did he stop him. He didn’t want to crowd Samuel now that he was calming down, in a sense. Micha released him, letting his hands drop back toward his sides. He listened as Samuel spoke nodding at his words. Micha nodded feeling Samuel ruffle his hair before retreating toward the bathroom.

As he watched him leave, Micha went in search of his clothes. It would do him no good to be naked. He left Samuel’s bedroom, heading down the hallway toward his music room. Micha wandered into the room, as he walked toward the couch where he left his clothes. He grabbed his pants pulling them back on, not bothering with his shirt for now. Micha sighed a little to himself, as he walked toward the piano sitting in the corner. It was true he hadn’t had access to a piano, but more truthful he just didn’t want to play. He pulled back the cover sitting down. Micha let his fingers dance over the keys working out a few kinks before he started to actually play. He had a few favorite pieces, but he started with Claire De Lune.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

【ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ,
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sᴏ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴜsᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀʀᴇғᴜʟ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴇɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ.】

He was thankful for the space. He knew some people preferred being cuddled. Others just wanted to pick up whatever was left off. For Samuel a hot shower was a nice go-to. After all it was the place he did both some of his best and worst thinking. In cases such as this, it was a bit of both. Micha could talk all he wanted later. But for now, he was happy with his solitude. Just knowing he wasn't that far away was more than enough. He closed his eyes and stood beneath the spray for what felt like hours. His heart rate slowed, the bad thoughts melting away like soap speeding down the drain. When he opened his eyes, his hair was matted to his scalp and water droplets raced down his down. He stepped out from the spray and went through the familiar routine of washing his hair, rinsing it out, than applying conditioner. After that, he grabbed the nearest wash cloth, not remembering if it was his or the one Micha had used. Right now he didn't really care. If they could share bodily fluids, he saw no reason he couldn't share something as simple as a cloth. At the end of the day it was going to end up in his hamper anyway with all the other used towels.

Squeezing out a bit of soap, he ran the cloth gently up his arm and down the other. Following the curves of his body, he lathered up. He allowed his mind to replay the conversation one last time before thinking about how he should face Micha. The man had seen him at his worst before, but it had been awhile since his last outburst. He was sure this was nothing short of shocking and perhaps even a bit disheartening. Every time he lost himself, he felt guilty. It was hard knowing there was something wrong with him but not wanting to do anything about it. And instead he just ended up hurting the one person he promised himself he would never hurt.......so much for that promise. he thought bitterly. Reaching behind himself, Samuel started to clean himself. The muscles were still tender and loose. A part of him wished they had just kept on. It almost felt wrong to clean up when hardly anything had happened. Still, he did as he normally would, rinsed off thoroughly, and turned off the water.

Stepping out the shower, droplets dripped heavily on to the bathmat. His head turned curiously towards the door as he heard the faint keys of the piano. Clair de lune. He remembered this one. It was a piece written by Claude Debussy. It was a favorite of his, but he'd never told anyone that. Not even Micha. Walking towards the sink, he picked up his towel and listened to flowing keys. He smiled to himself, it was so soothing. He wondered if Micha chose this song at random or was there a reason for it. Either way he dared not interrupt him. He dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist as he walked back to his bedroom. In there, Samuel went towards his dresser, pulling out a pair of black and gray Calvin Klein boxers. Slipping them on under his towel, he tossed the damp cloth into the hamper and moved to the closet. From there he pulled out the clothes he would wear later. Nothing too fancy, just a simple ensemble. A white button down shirt, black tailored blazer, and matching slacks. For now, he slipped on a pair of baggy shorts and a form fitting white t-shirt. Going back to the dresser, he pulled out a spare pack of cigarettes and lighter. He shook the pack in his hand a few times before quietly nearing the music room. He peered inside, practically mesmerized by the sight of Micha playing. Quietly, he opened the door and slid inside the room, going over to the couch. Samuel sat on the seat farthest from him, pulling up his legs as he listened to the male play.