[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce blinked at the screen for a moment and nodded. “Twins…..” he said slowly. Reaching out, he began to point out the babies. “There are the heads….and the arms, legs. You can even make out the faces a little.” Staring for a moment, he slowly looked back to Loki. They both appear human and they are both healthy.” He said gently. Before you left I thought I heard an echo in the heartbeats, and again today. It wasn’t an echo, it was two heartbeats.” He said with a smile. I was wondering if you’d end up with another multiple birth, seems to be the norm for you, not the exception.”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked quite stricken when Bruce voiced twins. Loki's breath caught in his chest and he felt like his world had just flipped over and stopped. Twins.... his twin, he had failed his twins, killed them and now he they were back for him just as Thanos had told him. He didn't hear anything that Bruce said after that one word, didn't hear that his children looked quite normal and healthy. It wouldn't have made Loki's panic any less in fact it probably might have made it worse. Loki's head was swimming with the news, and slowly he started shaking his head a murmuring. Thor looked to his brother and instantly became concerned. "Loki?" Thor questioned reaching out for his brother but Loki flinched back and Thor looked to Bruce. He didn't know what was causing his brother's distress.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Fenrir had begun wagging his tail at the news that he’d have two new siblings, but Loki’s reaction had the pup stilling. Watching for a moment, he slowly nuzzled his way under Loki’s arm, trying to comfort him. “Loki…..Loki….you have to come back. Tell us what’s wrong.” Bruce said softly. “We can’t help you unless you talk to us.” Loki’s distress leaked over the bond, Tony beginning to toss and turn in his bed.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki was barely aware of Fenrir burrowing under his arm trying to provide comfort even if the fingers of his hand did wrap themselves up in the pup's fur. Loki's breathing was strangled like he was having great trouble catching his breath as he curled towards himself as best he could with his injured leg and IVs in his arm. A single word started spilling from his lips over and over as if in response to Bruce's demand for him to tell them what was wrong. "Brother, no." Thor said sharply in response to the word. He tried to reach out to his brother again but the closer he got to touching him the louder Loki's voice got.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce looked disturbed, standing slowly. Looking between Loki and Thor quickly, he motioned to the younger god. “What is he saying?” he asked quickly, Fenrir anxiously pawing at Loki’s arm and calling for his mother. It was then that Tony woke, sitting upright and gasping. Looking over to Loki, he blinked a moment, frowning. “Loki!” he snapped, mind rushing into Loki’s for a moment to break him from whatever fog he was in.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"Hes saying cursed, I can only assume he means himself. But I have no idea why." Thor explained. Loki was shaking by this point as if he could fly apart at any second. He could hear Fenrir and feel him and wanted to do nothing more than soothe the pup but his mind couldn't get past the faults it had. When Tony shouted his name Loki only shook harder. The rush into Loki's mind was met with a flimsy defense which crumbled with little effort. Like it had been built and torn numerous times, each time it grew weaker and weaker. Behind the defense where Loki well portioned mind had been was now chaos, memories, feelings and fears tumbled everywhere.

It was at Tony's yell that Kalani appeared in the infirmary finally having finished setting up her room. "What did you do? Or what are you doing? Can't you see he's having a panic attack?" she declared moving to Loki quickly. She didn't pause when she spotted fenrir but did look surprised. "Loki, loki, can you hear me. I need you to breath. In and out.” she prompted gently not moving to touch the shaking god who had stopped speaking and now just gave soft whimpers.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony was surprised for a moment at the mess Loki’s mind was in. But it wasn’t too far off from Tony’s, so it wasn’t too hard for Tony to maneuver. ‘you have to calm yourself Loki.’ he said firmly, simply pushing away any unhelpful thoughts and memories. Loki could sort it out more late, but for right now, he didn’t need them swimming around his head. Loki had tried to show Tony the whole mind palace technique, placing memories and thoughts into various rooms, going to the rooms when he needed them, had even tried to help Tony create one of his own, but Tony failed miserably at it all, but Tony figured closing off doors and helping Loki push things off separate from each other would help in some way. ‘You’re really freaking people out, you gotta chill.’

Bruce had spun toward Tony when the genius shouted, turning a little green around the edges in surprise and worry. Still he stepped out of Kalani’s way, pulling Fenrir away, who was whining pitifully and fighting him to get back to Loki. “He just started up, we haven’t had long enough to figure out what happened.” He told Kalani. “He was all smiles one minute, then this.”

 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Things swirled in Loki's mind when Tony told him that he had to calm himself as if trying to explain why it was so hard. It seemed to help as Tony pushed unhelpful things away. The more Tony pushed away though the clear it became to be able to see what remained of what loki had called his mind palace. It lay in ruins, rock crumpled and fallen. Some even had denta that looked like fingers, like someone had ripped down the palace by hand. Soft hopelessness answer Tony demand for Loki to chill and every thing around the man seemed to turn towards despair.

Kalani frowned when she heard Loki had been smiles one minute and this the next. "What did you tell him?" she questioned lightly. She had Loki breathing now as she inched closer to him giving more instructions to the panicked god. She snagged a blanket from somewhere and wrapped it around Loki to give him a sense of small space. It helped to calm him some but the god was still shaking.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony barely paid attention. To the details of the damage. He knew Thanos had to have played at least some part in this, but there wasn’t much he could do, especially with Loki like this. ‘No. No, you don’t get to do this.. You fight Loki. You figure your s**t out and you start fighting. I have spent the last SIX MONTHS pulling my sorry a** up out of bed every day to take care of Fenrir. Now he’s sitting there, wondering what’s wrong with you. I know your tired and hurting and confused, I am to. But you are a god Loki, a ******** god. You are more than this. Get angry if you have to. Anger and sadness aren’t too far off.’ He lectured, shoving memories of Fenrir at Loki, both the god’s and Tony’s own memory.

Bruce shook his head slightly. “We were talking about his baby. And it turns out he’s not carrying one, but two babies.” Bruce explained. That was when he paused and looked to Thor. “What if he’s associating them with the other set of twins he had. The ones that died?’ he asked the blond, the realization finally setting in. Loki was the type to do that to himself, to link things together just to hurt himself.

 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Frustration lasted through the bond at Tony's words of him telling Loki he couldn't give up. that he had spent the last six months getting out of bed to take care of fenrir. The god's mind answered Tony's push of memories with its own. Images of fighting polar bears and then of Thanos tearing his mind apart again and again. Like loki was trying to tell Tony he had been fighting he hadnt stopped fighting. Then a smaller image approached of what seemed to be a physical representation of the bonds in Loki's mind and Thanos standing at the gate that blocked his way to Tony's mind. It was easy to see the ancient god grow angry and then rip at what he could get to, Loki's mind.

Kalani smiled hearing that Loki was having twins. She looked confused when bruce continued asking if Loki was associating his new twins with some old ones that were dead. "Wait he had other twins and their dead." she asked. Thor looked regretful at Bruce's words. "Aye that could be it." Thor answered.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony watched the memories, but didn’t back off. ‘Congratulations, you’ve been fighting. What makes you think you can stop now?’ Tony responded. He could feel the frustration, but that was a step in the right direction. Frustration would distract from his panic. He was surprised by Loki’s memory of protecting Tony’s mind, but he didn’t address it. Now wasn’t the time. ‘Sure, there won’t be any bears to fight, but now you have to step up in a different way. It’s your choice as to if you’re going to do that or not.’

Bruce looked to Kalani and gave a small nod. “He did. Their loss is…..tragic. And it has left deep scars. I….I don’t think this is the time or place to tell that story though.” He said, glancing at Loki. He wouldn’t talk about that if it was what was setting Loki off. “But if that’s what’s going on in his head…..how is he going to make it through the next few months let alone raise them?” he asked quietly, looking to Thor.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

More frustration raced across the bond when Tony gave him congratulations on his fighting but why he thought he was allowed to stop now. Didn't the man understand how tired he was, how drained he was on all fronts. A questioning feeling filtered through the bond next for when Tony said Loki had to step up in a different way. What else did he have to do, already he had to get through the pregnancy, fight off Thanos and raise Fenrir. What more needed be added to his list of responsibilities.

Kalani felt sympathy when Bruce explained that Loki had indeed had another set of twins whom had died tragically. She nodded when the man said that he didn't think now was the time of place to discuss what had happened however. When she glanced back to Loki as Bruce did she was relieved to see the man was shaking only slightly and breathing well, even if he seemed completely lost in his mind now. She had dealt with that far too often with Loki but for the moment it didn't seem like he was having one of his waking nightmares. Just lost deeply in his own thoughts.

Thor frowned at the prospect of Loki not making it through the next few months or raise his children. "I feel as though we should involve my mother but I know not what she can do. She has no access to his mind and he has no care for mind healers." Thor sighed. He knew he should have forced Loki to see one when the man had returned from Vanaheim but Loki had refused every time. Even going so far as to threaten disappearing all together.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony waited for the questioning, knowing it was coming. “You have to go back to being a parent. You’re physically safe here. You’ll be taken care of and you know you and the baby will be healthy. But you have to step up and show that you aren’t afraid to keep living. That you are stronger. That’s the test isn’t it? Choosing to keep going after someone has taken so much?” Tony responded.

Bruce sighed heavily. “Well it couldn’t hurt to speak to her and inform her of everything.” Bruce said slowly. “She’s wise in ways I can’t imagine, perhaps she could figure something out. And even if she doesn’t talking with Loki might help him. He respects and trusts her in ways I don’t think he trusts anyone else.” Looking to Kalani, he gave a small smile. “And perhaps we can get a little clearer story of what Loki has been going through with our newest residents.” Looking over Loki, he saw the look in his eyes and then looked over to Tony, seeing the same look. “I suppose they’re talking now, though I'm not sure if that's good or bad.”

 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Grief flooded the bond when Tony said that he had to go back to being a parent. Then Tony listed that he would be safe physically, Loki noted that the man specified physically. Did that mean his mental state would devolve more, he wasn't sure how much more he could take before he lashed out at someone. Then the man was assuring him that he and the baby would be healthy. A test, this was a test, what would happen when he completed the test. What did he win, what did he gain besides more misery, how much more could be taken from him. Memories of all that he had been taken from him flew around his mind. Asgard, his children, his family, his friends and tony. The only thing that hadn't been taken from him was his own life, he almost wished that would be taken from him so he wouldnt have to deal with the fates screwing with his life anymore.

Kalani watched the two men as they discussed someone else. A woman, and by the sound of it it was Loki and Thor's mother, the queen. "I can tell you anything you want to know." Kalani assured. She wanted to help her friend in anyway she could and it seemed the scientist at least wanted to help. "Talking, how?" she asked looking between Loki and tony.

"I shall inform her and see when she can come. I know she will be glad to know we found loki." Thor answered when bruce said that calling his mother would be a good thing. He moved to the door looking to his brother then with a sigh he left to contact his mother.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony waved off the memories that Loki bombarded him with. “Yeah, bad things happen, good things happen to. You lost your kids, but you get to be with them again. You lost the ability to be on Asgard, but you get to make a life on Earth were people don’t automatically treat you like s**t. You don’t get to be with your family, but you know now how much Frigga loves you and has fought for you and you get to have a family here, friends here. And I wasn’t taken from you, we both ******** up.” He said firmly. “And if you haven’t noticed, every single person around us has a screwed up life. Every single person has been fighting their whole life, and they’ve felt that they lost everything at some point. And they are all still fighting. Besides, you’ve fought for sixth months, why give up when it’s about to get easier?”

Bruce nodded to Thor. “Try not to be too long. I think it helps Loki to have someone who understands him.” Bruce said slowly. Turning back to Kalani, Bruce settled in his chair a bit more, letting Fenrir back on the bed to curl up against Loki. “Tony and Loki have a very….unique bond.” Bruce started. “No one else really understands it much, but they’re mates….it’s a Jotun thing. It’s what those teeth marks on their shoulder are. Some sort of magic connects them and lets them do things that others can’t. When close enough together, they can find each other, they can sense emotions, share thoughts and memories, talk, all in their minds.” Bruce explained. “But, shortly before Loki left, he blocked Tony from his mind. They haven’t shared anything in that way since Loki left. Usually they’re a little less obvious, but the strain and time since they last talked like this, I suppose they’re figuring out how to talk to one another again.”