[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony was surprised by the question. “He needed someone who could understand and help him with his magic as he’s just old enough to start using it. He needed someone who could help him understand who he is and where he’s from. He needed his mother.” Tony responded, staring at Loki. Shaking his head, he looked away. “And he needed someone much better than me.” He said softly, the self-loathing clear in his voice.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki could understand Fenrir needing someone who could understand and help him with his magic. Frigga of course was familiar with his magic but she was busy with her duties. However everything else there was Thor for or Tony, maybe even the rest of the Avengers. *He didn't need me for all of that, the magic maybe. But you could help him understand who he is, he doesn't need someone from Asgard for that and he loves you. Your probably the best thing in his life that isn't related to him some how. He loves you Tony.* Loki argued when he heard the self-loathing in Tony's voice. *I can't really do any of what he needs right now that I would have been able to before.* he continued.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony took a deep breath, seeming to sink a little further into his chair. “And I love him……but I’m not you. He would pick you over me any day. And he should. You’re his mother, his family. Besides, every person I love gets hurt because of me. I don’t want that for him.” He said slowly.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki watched Tony sink further into his chair and felt terrible. He knew the feeling of someone picking someone else over him. *He shouldn't pick me, hes in more danger being around me than you. Thanos keeps trying to get through any bond I have with someone to hurt them to hurt me. If I slip up one day anyone who I have a bond with, their mind could be as damaged as mine. So I know what it is like for everyone to get hurt because of me. Whether by me or not directly. At least you can protect him from almost everything else.* Loki murmured sadly.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“How could you say that? Fenrir should always pick you. You’re his mother. That means more than anything in the universe. You know what it’s like not to have a parent, and I know what it’s like not to have either.” Tony said sharply. “Besides, even if he were to stay with me, he won’t have me for long. I’m human….and I know he’s still a little boy even though he’s way older than he looks to us.” Tony had been seriously considering the apple before, but now. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to accept that. He could barely survive now without Loki, if you could really say he kept going, if this happened when everything and everyone he knew was long gone, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. And Loki had made it abundantly clear he wouldn’t be able to kill him. “Besides. You obviously don’t think very highly of my parental capabilities. You left to keep me from influencing that baby you’re carrying.”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki frowned when Tony asked him how he could say such things. Did the man not understand how dangerous it was for Fenrir to be close to him when Loki didn't have any magic to protect him. It was true that they both knew what it was like to be without a parent, both in Tony's case but that hadn't stopped their growth to adulthood. He wanted to argue that Thor would still be around and by then he would have his magic back and be able to protect his son. When Tony continued stating that Loki hadn't thought much of his parenting capabilities which was why he had left. *That was not why I left!* Loki declared. *I never doubted that you could be a good parent, that was you. I doubted whether or not you wanted to be a parent. Then you didn't even try to stop me when I said I would leave and get myself hurt, even killed and certainly have injured the child. You didn't even try, so what was I supposed to assume from that, that you wanted me and the child. How could I?* Loki questioned hoping JARVIS would be able to translate all of that.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony blinked at the ferocity of Loki’s words, knowing he’d struck a nerve with his words. There was a silence after as Jarvis tried to process Loki’s words and you could almost imagine JARVIS becoming frustrated with the puzzle before him. The first thing he said was an admission that he didn’t know everything Loki had said, but then he followed with a translation that got the point across, though it missed some of the emotion. Tony pushed his fingers through his hair. How did he even begin talking about this? “I didn’t stop you, because I knew you wouldn’t do anything. I knew it was just anger talking. And I knew that if we kept talking to each other, we would end up arguing even more and end up worse off.” He said slowly. “I should have stopped you, I get it. But it made sense at the time.”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki frowned when JARVIS said that he didn't know everything that he had said. He knew it was a mistake trying to speak with Tony before he had an accurate translation or be able to speak with him in their minds. He was almost ready to give up and wheel himself out when JARVIS spoke and then Tony answered. When Tony said he didn't stop him because he had known he wouldn't do anything had anger flaring through Loki. How could what happened not be the worse thing that could have happened? How could him actually leaving, not quite like he had said but leaving be less worse? *Did you want me then?* Loki questioned. He had to know, they had just gone through Tony discovering his lies and finding out about the child. Tony declaring that things wouldn't be the same, that he couldn't trust Loki. But there were two things Loki had never been sure of when he left was if Tony wanted the baby or if he wanted him.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony smiled slightly to himself at the question, staring down at his coffee. “That’s the crazy thing isn’t it? Even after everything, I did want you. I came out of my lab the next morning to tell you. To talk about everything a little more calmly.” Tony said slowly. “I have wanted you from the moment I pulled you into bed with me. And I think I will always want you.” Tony admitted, not looking at Loki. It really was a heavy confession for Tony. The man had never thought he’d be a ‘forever’ type. And to be saying that about someone who had lied to and hurt him so deeply, it actually pained him to admit it. But it was the truth.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Seeing the smile loki grew confused, he didn't know what it meant. Hearing tony say that after everything he had wanted him brought happy relieved tears to the god's eyes. *I didn't know that, when I threatened those things I didn't know that. I thought if you stopped me that meant you wanted me still and then you didn't and I thought that was my answer. Everyone has always left me, everyone.* Loki emphasized the last word. *I thought if I was the first to leave this time it wouldn't hurt as much but I think it hurt worse. Not having you near, not knowing the real answer or what would happen. It hurt tony...* the god cried softly expressing a bit of the pain he had felt the last few months.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony looked to Loki as he heard the emotion in Loki’s words. Seeing the tears in his eyes he was almost panicked for a moment. Had he said something else stupid? But then Jarvis translated and Tony shook his head. “You weren’t alone in that then.” He said slowly. It had hurt him to, being away from Loki. Tony had just really adjusted to having someone that he loved and trusted with him. He’d incorporated Loki into his life fully. And Tony’s trust was hard earned. Not only did it hurt emotionally, but something inside Tony physically ached without Loki.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked up to tony when the man said he hadn't been alone in the pain he felt. He hadn't meant to cause that pain to tony, hadn't wanted to at all. *Where do we stand now? Where do I stand in everything?* Loki questioned softly. His red eyes hopeful and yet fearful, he was scared that even though they both wanted each other didn't mean that was what was going to happen. He didn't want it to be anything like what had happened in his previous relationships. He wanted Tony to tell him that they could work it out and give him the hope that everyone else had been trying to give him.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony bit his lip at Loki’s question. This all seemed like another set up for him to screw up again. But there Loki was, waiting for a response, watching him. “I still love you. But I don’t trust you.” He said, repeating the sentiment he’d given Loki before the god left. “I think if we want to be together at this point, after everything, we have to start over. But before that, you have to get better. We can’t do anything if I can’t understand you.”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki nodded sadly when Tony told him that he still loved him but that he didn't trust him. He knew that there would be a lack of trust but it still hurt to hear. He continued to listen as Tony explained that if that wanted to be together they would have to start over but before they could do that he had to get better. That Tony had to be able to understand him before they could even pretend to start on that. Loki felt doubt and some hopelessness take solid form in his stomach but still he nodded. It hadn't really answered his question about where he stood but he wouldn't press for more. Starting over meant alot of things, going back to the beginning where Tony hadn't trusted him, viewed him as an enemy even. He didn't think he would be viewed as an enemy now but the thought of that lack of trust hurt, he deserved it he knew and he would not fight it. *I will do what I can to get better.* Loki assured. Not knowing what else to say. His mind would take a long time to heal completely and his magic was being eaten by his children and what wasn't eaten he used to defend himself against Thanos.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony saw the sadness in Loki’s eyes, but didn’t comment on it. Tony felt it too. They’d had it good. They’d had what felt like a solid relationship, but what had happened made it impossible to just jump back to that. They had to try again, had to relearn each other and build trust again. Hopefully the result would be better this time around. When Loki said he’s try to get better Bruce nodded slightly. The Doctor had backed off for a time, unwilling to interfere with this, but now seemed like a good time to intervene. “We’ll you’ll have plenty of people helping you to get healthy again. And speaking of that, I think it’s time we get you somewhere to relax and rest a bit.” He said slowly. This had been a busy and stressful morning for Loki, it would do him good to be somewhere quiet and calm. Tony nodded slightly at Bruce’s statement, but reached out a hand for Loki. “Take my magic. You need it, I don’t. I know it will help you recover faster.” He said.