[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki caught Steve's brief glance at him but was unsure what it meant as he continued watching Barnes. When the man bit out his nickname briskly Loki had to keep from flinching until the man reigned in his tone. *which would you prefer more?* Loki questioned when it was clear the man wanted him to call him by one of the names he had given. He continued to watch the man feeling sympathy when the man grew frustrated when he couldn't remember things. *It is hard not remember things in your past, good things, bad things. I know what that is like, though most of the time my lack of memory led to me getting into quite a bit of trouble for something I could not remember.* Loki said softly. He was of course referring to what they now knew as Sif messing with his mind and making him do things.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky opened his mouth to reply, but closed it again, staring at Steve for a long moment. “Bucky.” He finally said quietly, there had clearly been a long discussion between the two man on this matter that the others weren’t privy to. When Loki spoke about not remembering, Bucky tensed slightly. “Yet you know who you are.” He replied coldly. A half-second later, Steve was reaching out, turning Bucky’s chin toward him and meeting his eyes. “You are James Buchannan Barnes. You are a Howling Commando, a damn good sniper, my oldest friend, and the man I love. You are a good man.” He said firmly, Bucky closing his eyes at the words, as if they were a comfort, mouthing them with Steve. It was clearly an exchange that happened often between the two of them. After a moment, Steve pressed his forehead against Bucky’s an intimate, comforting motion, but when Bucky’s eyes opened again, Steve pulled away without a world and Bucky looked to the ground. “You weren’t HYDRA.” He said softly, glancing up at Loki a moment later.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki nodded when Bucky finally answered him. *Bucky it is then.* he conceeded. When Bucky replied to his trying to sympathize with him loki shook his head. He watched in the half second before he could speak as Steve took control of the situation. Bucky struggled with himself, something Loki was all too familiar with. He waited for them to come back to themselves only slightly surprised with Bucky's words. *I was not Hydra, but I have not been myself. Have not know who I am or where I belong in many centuries. I do not belong where I was born, where I was taken or here even. I have do e many things I can't remember but that does not mean I have not done horrible things that I do remember. At least yours can be put down to brainwashing and orders that you were forced to follow.* Loki argued gently. He knew bruce at the very least would protest his words about not belonging on midgard but it didn't matter. All that he had said was true to him at the very least. *At least you are free of your controllers now and can recover.* he continued not looking at any of the men in the room.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky frowned as Loki spoke, unsure how Loki would connect their situations without being held by HYDRA. He had relatively little knowledge of Loki, Steve having chosen not to overwhelm Bucky with information about people who weren’t even in the mansion. He only filled Bucky in on the basic facts of who Loki was and what he meant to Tony. When Loki continued, he stiffened, frown growing darker. “Do not make my past sound like nothing, like something to forget and get over.” He growled. “And you know nothing of who may or may not control me.” Steve frowned, but didn’t stop Bucky, he couldn’t scold Bucky for everything he said. “I don’t think he meant anything by it.” He said gently, making Bucky’s brows furrow in a bit of confusion. Bruce took the moment to lean a little closer to Loki. “Brainwashing isn’t all cut and dry Loki. It’s possible for HYDRA to have trained Bucky with trigger words and phrases. Things that if said, could bring Bucky back into the mindset of the Winter Soldier, make him forget everything again.” He offered quietly.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

When Bucky burst out in anger over his words Loki looked up in great confusion. He didn't know what he had said that had offended the man. He hadn't tried to claim that he knew who controlled him or that what happen was something to forget and get over. No you would always remember your past, but you learned to deal with it or it consumed you. When bruce explained Loki nodded. *I meant no offense, merely that there are ways to prevent such things perhaps even rid you of triggers. There are mind healers on Asgard they might be able to do something. Stop what might cause the trigger. There is supposed to be one coming to teach your mate.* Loki offered. *I am sorry.* he apologized looking back to the vegetables. He knew he should have kept quiet about things. This was not something he could help with and he could only screw things up now.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bucky calmed under Steve’s gaze, though the tension didn’t leave again. He tilted his head slightly at Loki though. “Mate?’ he asked in confusion. Did the alien mean Steve? That was an odd term. His attention was pulled back to the blond when he spoke though. “Hey Buck….I think I left my cell in the bedroom. Can you go get it for me?” he asked lightly. Bucky shifted for a moment, not wanting to leave Steve’s presence, but gave a curt nod and quickly slipped off the counter and out of the kitchen. Sighing heavily as he rubbed the back of his neck, Steve slowly came over to stand across from Loki. “I’m sorry about that Loki, I really am.” He said slowly. “Bucky just…….he needs time, a lot of time.” He continued. Steve just looked worn for the moment, he was tired and sad, and knowing Bucky was hurting clearly hurt him too. “I know he isn’t….pleasant, but don’t ignore him or keep him from talking, even if he is unpleasant…..he needs to remember how to be….human.” he said slowly.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki didn't answer the questioned from Bucky about him calling Steve his mate. The god believed he had done enough damage already and if he had assumed wrong it would be worse. Listening as Steve sent Bucky on an errand to fetch his phone. He knew of course that Steve merely wanted Bucky out of ear shot so that the man would not hear what even hard thing Steve was about to tell him. When Steve began apologizing Loki merely shook his head in defiance. He didn't think that Steve had any reason to apologize for his lover. He could see how worn Steve looked and frowned. *It is not that he isn't pleasant... he scares me.* Loki admitted softly. *He has the will and want to kill. I don't know if that is from what he went through or what he was like before but I can not defend myself from him right now. I won't ignore him but I can't say I will be around him if I am by myself.* Loki answered. He wouldn't lie to Steve, Steve had been his friend before, was still as far as he knew and he owed it to the man to not lie to him.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Steve looked down as Loki admitted to being scared of Bucky. “He wasn’t like this before. He wasn’t scared of fighting and he wasn’t scared of killing if needed, but he was good and kind and always tried to find a better option. He was a man people liked and trusted. This….this was all HYDRA.’ He said slowly, hands fidgeting. “But you don’t have to worry about being alone with him. If he’s out of our room, he’s with me most of the time. I can keep him grounded, and I handle him if not. And he doesn’t really look for company if I’m not around.” Looking up at Loki again, he shook his head. “I know he’s intimidating for you, but I honestly don’t think he realizes he’s doing it. And you’re someone new. He doesn’t know much about you and you look different, he’s trying to….I don’t know, evaluate you. Natasha does it, but she hides it, Bucky can’t. He’ll be nicer in a few days.” He offered. Steve’s desperation for Bucky to be at least somewhat accepted in the mansion was almost palpable.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked up t Steve when the man stated that Bucky had not been as he was before Hydra had gotten ahold of him. He believed him too because Steve had never given him a reson to distrust his words on things the man was certain about. However his lack of doubt in Steve faded when the man proclaimed that he had nothing to worry about with Bucky. He didn't believe for an instant that Steve had a constant tab on where Bucky was. For instance the man was supposed to be fetching the solider's phone now but that didn't mean he couldn't accomplish other things at the same time if he was to believe how well the man had been trained. The god frowned when Steve continued on to explain that to Bucky he was new and that because he looked so different the man was trying to evaluate him. No, Loki was certain that his appearance and sudden reappearance in the household made him a threat. Still Loki could hear the desperation in Steve's voice for Bucky to be accepted. *I am sure it will be alright.* Loki lied with a smile. The smiled and the words were a lie but he wanted Steve to be happy and didn't want to force the conversation anymore. Nothing the man said was going to make Loki believe that Bucky was not a threat to his safety. However internally Loki berated himself. He had just told himself that he would not lie to Steve but here he was doing just thaat not two ten sentences later. There was a little voice in his mind though that reminded him that he was the god of lies.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

There was a spark in Steve’s eyes, showing that he didn’t quite believe Loki, knowing the god rarely was so easily persuaded. But he needed Loki’s words to be true, so he didn’t say anything, a moment later Bucky returned with Steve’s phone, handing it over. Steve thanked him softly before pulling out a rubber band from his pocket. Seeing it, Bucky bowed his head slightly and Steve easily tied Bucky’s hair up in a loose bun before he handed the assassin some plates, Bucky wordlessly moving to set the table, a chore that had fallen to him most meals since he was already in the kitchen with Steve. Taking the vegetables, Steve added them to the rest of the food as Betty slipped in. The woman greeted Loki and Bruce gently before going to pull out what she was going to prepare for Loki’s dinner. Bruce took that as a cue for him to get Loki settled in the dining room. “Why don’t we try walking back to the chair?” he suggested, helping Loki shift around on the stool. The wheelchair was close enough that Bruce was sure Loki would be able to reach it, but he still stayed with Loki each step, hands holding his elbows to balance him.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki saw the spark in Steve's eyes that said he didn't quite believe Loki's words but the man did not press him further. Red eyes found Bucky as the man re-entered the room. He watched as Steve and Bucky interacted once more and could see the care there but that was for Steve. Steve who claimed to love Bucky despite everything. When Steve moved to take the vegetables from him the god sat back feeling lost now. And then Betty was there preparing things along side of Steve and Bruce was moving towards him suggesting they go back to the chair. Loki nodded shifting with the man around the stool so he could stand away from the chair. Setting his feet on the ground let him know how week his legs were after exercising. Still he walked back to the chair with Bruce close for which he was glad for. Sitting in the chair bought a sigh of relief and yet a bit of anxiety because he knew it meant he would be following Bucky into the dining area.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce squeezed Loki’s shoulder before he began to push the god along. “Just relax a bit Loki.” he advised gently. Slowly rolling Loki around to the empty spot at the table, Bruce sat beside him. “You know, if you have any particular cravings as far as food goes, you can ask Betty to cook it or get it for you.” He said lightly to Loki before offering a smile to Bucky as the man carefully set the table, being as precise as possible. Maybe even a little OCD about it. But he didn’t smile at Bruce, though he seemed relaxed. Having a task, even one as small and simple as this seemed to soothe him. Soon enough Natasha came in with Clint, the two leaning against each other, Natasha seeming to be having a backache of some sort. Bruce turned his attention to her when he saw that, questioning her about if she was okay or not.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked up to Bruce when the squeezed his shoulder. Relax, relax he told himself trying to follow Bruce's advice. He breathed evenly as bruce pushed him to an empty spot at the table. Bruce distracted him from looking for Bucky by bringing up food. *I like cold things but otherwise I do not know what I crave.* Loki responded softly pondering over what he wanted/liked to eat right now. He was distracted by those thoughts enough to not pay attention to Bucky setting the table. Only bruce worry over Natasha had him looking up.

"Im fine, just merely overworked myself or the baby likes jumping on my spine." Natasha answered Bruce's worry. "been kicking all day." she continued and loki feowned. He couldn't remember if his child had kicked him yet or not. He had been so out of it the last few months.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce smiled as Natasha spoke, shaking his head. “I honestly wouldn’t expect anything else from a child form the two of you.” He joked. “Honestly I’m expecting that baby to come out doing cartwheels.” He added. “But perhaps it’ll calm a bit once you eat and relax.” He added, glancing up as others began to trickle into the dining room. As soon as Fenrir spotted Loki, he was in the god’s lap, tail wagging and looking for attention. The meal went much like the other had, Steve and Bucky bringing out the food, Betty setting out a small serving of something for Natasha to eat with her meal and bringing out a full meal for Loki. She was obviously trying to give Loki a variety, seeing what he liked, and not wanting him to end up eating the same thing every day for the rest of his pregnancy. And after a while, Tony slipped in quietly, taking his seat and picking at the food that was pushed onto his plate, absently listening to the conversations around him, though he never really spoke up.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Natasha grinned at Bruce when the man said that he wouldn't expect anything less from a child of hers and Clint's. She even gave a little laugh when Bruce continued to say that he expected the child to come out doing cartwheels. Still she nodded when he said that it might calm down once she had relaxed and eaten something. Loki was so focused on Natasha that he didn't see Fenrir enter the room and was quite startled by the pup squirming into his lap. Still Loki pulled his son to him breathing deeply and he rubbed his face against Fenrir's neck for a moment. When Betty brought him food he thanked her and looked it over knowing he wouldn't be able to eat everything. He tried pieces of somethings here and there but generally munched on what he liked the best. When Tony entered the room Loki watched him and longed for the easiness that they had had earlier.