Lines You'll Never Hear

[Uncle Choco]

((nin itachi thats one of the oldest jokes in the book. Still funny though xd ))

((Anyhoo, since the HP book is coming out on Saturday smile )

Voldemort: ...With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the magical world!
Harry: I'll never join you!
Voldemort: If you only knew the power of the dark arts. Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father.
Harry: Yeah, he did. He said you killed him.
Voldemort: No. I am your father.
Harry: No, that can't be. I've seen photos. You don't look anything like him.
Voldemort: I happen to know a very skilled plastic surgeon...
Harry: Ok, then what happened to my mother?
Voldemort: Uhhhh...an unfortunate smelding accident.
Harry: Uh huh, right. Then how come your curse didn't kill me when I was a baby?!
Voldemort: Uhh...I was....well......thats not important right now!! Whats important is that you join my loyal Death Eaters and we cleanse the population of all half-breeds and mudbloods!
Harry: You know what? No.

Harry jumps off the platform and falls out of sight, leaving Voldemort leaning over the rail. A loud crash, and Luke and Vader storm in.

Luke: Sorry we're late. Traffic was insane.
Vader: Who the hell are you?!
Voldemort: Uhhh...no one!! *apparates*
Luke: That was weird.
Vader: I know.

Awkward silence.

Vader: Oh, by the way, I'm your dad.
Luke: Really?
Vader: Yup.
Luke: Awesome! Gimme a hug, pops!  

[Nospai Deathous]

Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father...
Luke: He told me enough! He told me /you/ killed him!
Vader: No, Luke. Your father became a hermit on a dusty planet called Tatooine, where he could plan to raise you as a Jedi to destroy me for betraying him and marrying Padme...
Luke: ...Then that was his lightsaber left for me to find and use to become a Jedi!
Vader: Yes!
Luke: ...And it was you who left the tracer on the Millenium Falcon!
Vader: Yes!!
Luke: Then you-
Vader: Yes!!!!
Luke: And you-
Vader: YES!! YES!!! SAY IT!!! Obi-Wan ....was....my....BOYFRIEND!!!
Luke: ........Ew.  

[Darkened Angel]

Yoda: Yes... Prank the new padawans, we must.
Luke: But why, Master Yoda?
Yoda: Because old it gets, being so damn goody-good. Need to have some fun, we do.
Luke: But why prank the new padawans?
Yoda: Question me, you should not. Another atomic wedgie, should I give you?
Luke: No thanks. I'm still chafing from that last one.  

[Missing00]

(cont)

Padawan 1: Umm Master yoda? You wanted to see us?
Yoda: Yes. Closer, come.
Padawan 2: Is something wrong?
Yoda: No, nothing. Except. (turns on red lightsaber) To the darkside, I have turned! Destroy all jedi, I must!!
Padawans: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Yoda: hee hee hee hee hee. Prank, that was. Looks on your faces, you should have seen.
Padawan 1: Umm yoda? I think billy's unconsious.  

[Darkened Angel]

Obi-Wan: How many Sith does it take to help an old lady cross the street?
Luke: I dunno. How many?
Obi-Wan: 2. 1 to be killed by the other, and the other to usurp the power to help the lady cross from the 1 he kills.
Luke: Wow, that's... kinda lame...
Obi-Wan: Well, you gotta better one?
Luke: Yeah, actually. I do.
Obi-Wan: Well then, let's hear it.
Luke: The reason Obi-Wan Kenobi can't get laid is because the ladies call him " Obi-One-Incher. "
Obi-Wan: HAHAHAhahahaha... HEY!  

[Sol Walker]

Wedge(any point in time where in he's flying an x-wing and blowing sith up) sad singing)Highwaaay toooo the Danger Zone! Riiiide intoooo the Daaaaanger Zooooone!
(we all know he's probably thinking it at the least)  

[Nelowulf]

Cale Darksun

Wedge(any point in time where in he's flying an x-wing and blowing sith up) sad singing)Highwaaay toooo the Danger Zone! Riiiide intoooo the Daaaaanger Zooooone!
(we all know he's probably thinking it at the least)

((you stole that from the VG cats comic...))  

[Uncle Choco]

((Warning: this is just a smidge spoiler-ish from the 6th Harry Potter book. But if you've read it, or really just don't care, then read on!))



Harry: You are so beautiful!
Ginny: It's only because I'm so in love . . .
Harry: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
Ginny: So love has blinded you?
Harry: Wait! Time out! This is all wrong!
Ginny: What's a matter?
Harry: This dialogue! It sucks!
Ginny: Come to think of it, yeah, it does.
Harry: What is a matter with Jo Rowling? She's never like this!
Ginny: Uh, Harry...I don't think this is Jo's writing...

-Elsewhere-

George Lucas: At last! Finished! Now, not only do I hold the Star Wars Empire in the palm of my hand, but the Harry Potter series is also at my mercy!!! Bwahahaha!  

[Mademoiselle Kit]

Vader: Why is it that us evil villains are always ugly? I mean, I used to be hot, but NO! I just haaaad to turn ugly!

Sauron: Seriously! I mean, I'm as old as sin, and I'm just a giant eye!

Voldemort: I'm just an old dude with obsessive compulsive disorder that can't get laid.

Palpatine: I know man, none of the girls wanted an old fart like me...

*All glare at Vader. He snickers*

Sauron, Voldie and Palpy: scream DON'T RUB IT IN!!!!  

[Nospai Deathous]

(Endor)
C-3P0: GYAH! The Ewoks are multiplying like tribbles!!
R2: (translated) They're what like who now?  

[Darkened Angel]

Palpy: Ugh... I shouldn't have had that last burrito... * farts *

* the Death Star's alarm system goes off, detecting a major gas leak spreading all over *

Vader: * comes to Palpy * You did it again, didn't you?
Palpy: Yeah...
Vader: * shoves a cork in Palpy's a** * That should do it!
Palpy: ... eek * fart pressure builds up *
Vader: Oh crap! * hits the alarm system *
Station Voice: Warning! All personnel evacuate immediately! This is not a drill.
Palpy: Oh God! * explodes from the pressure, covering the entire interior of the station in crap *
Vader: I am so not cleaning that mess up!  

[Sol Walker]

Anakin: Now perish Obiwan.
(Attempts to power up lightsaber. lightsaber refuses to work.)
Anakin: what the sith? whats wrong with this thing?!
Obi-wan: now what?
Anakin: damn thing won't turn on!
(Clicks the button repeatetly)
Obi-wan: Try the pull start. the ignition just might be worn down. you have been using it alot.
Anakin: yeah, ok, lets try that.
(Pulls the starter chord on the side of the saber. pulls it again when nothing happens)
Obi-wan: don't flood it. that will make it worse.
Anakin: oh shut up. I know what Im doing!
Obi-wan: If you know so much then why is it broken?
(tries again with the same results)
Anakin: damn it, I think the batteries are dead. R2, get over here.
R2: 10010101011100101101001010101010101010101
Anakin: yeah, get the jumper cables.
(hook the cables from anakin's to obi-wan's Lightsaber)
Anakin: ok, hit it.
(obiwan powers up his lightsaber. anakin's spitters, then ignites)
Anakin: there we go. probably need to take it in to servicing when we're done.
Obi-wan: Ok, ready?
Anakin: yeah, lets do this.
(anakin charges forward and trips on the jumper cables)  

[Nospai Deathous]

Luke gets within range of the death star's exhaust port and prepares to fire the torpedos.

"Use the force, Luke!"

Luke: You kidding? I'm gonna use the targeting computer! That's what it's there for! Advanced weaponry designed to hit tiny targets!

"Suit yourself." *raspberry sound*

Luke: Alright, now to fire... let's see.. go to 'file,' click 'open,' select 'weapons systems. Select 'proton torpedos' from the dropdown menu, then x the 'paired fire' box. Ok, let's see... rate of fire? 'Now.' *waits a few moments as it processes* Unacceptable timeframe?! *sigh* File, open, weapons systems, proton-gah!

The death star fires and he crashes into the end of the trench.  

[Darkened Angel]

Vader: Gotta get out of this TIE Advanced... Gotta get out! * heavy breathing *
Imp Pilot: Lord Vader, are you okay?
Vader: No... I'm clausterphobic... GET ME OUTTA HERE!
Imp Pilot: But you were fine all those other times.
Vader: I know, but... Well... I GOTTA PEE, BAD!
Imp Pilot: Huh?
Vader: I left the oven on!
Imp Pilot: What are you-
Vader: Dammit man! I just don't wanna do this crap anymore!
Imp Pilot: What DO you wanna do then?
Vader: I wanna go back to my room and fool around with the hot prisoner girl.
Imp Pilot: You do know that girl's your daughter, right?
Vader: ... eek  

[The Prince of oranges]

Chewbacca: I am going to get my hair cut