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 Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:29 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 11:34 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 4:17 am
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:22 am
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All I can say about the login/logout problems is that our devs are tweaking the system for better performance and that until they have it stabilized, weird things will happen. Sorry.
--
So I'm learning to play "Soldier Side". Anyone else know that song? I find it strangely addictive, even though it's explicitly Christian ("Young men standing on the top of their own graves / wondering when Jesus comes, are they gonna be saved?") and I'm not a fan of religion in my entertainment. The guitar work in it is very, very good, and the singers work together very well also.
It's hard to say what key it's in, because it changes a lot, but it's certainly minor, and the melody itself is not very complicated, which is nice. The accompaniment is a little more complex, though it's very regular so it's easier to get a handle on it and then speed it up.
It's also a very evocative piece, partly because of its melody (which I would describe as "haunting") but also because of the lyrics. The basic message of the song is that, whichever government wins a war, the soldiers always lose.
I've known a handful of veterans, and they all struck me as very nice people but subtly warped, locking things away. I think living in the dirt, being ready to kill people who are just like you and being afraid that they're about to kill you first, has a certain effect on people that lasts maybe for the rest of their lives.
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:44 am
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:26 pm
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Warning: A slightly/very long depressed post from me, if you are in a bad mood and dont' like listening to a girl "whining" about things, then don't read xD
I've been getting more and more depressed lately, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't shake it. It's not to serious yet, but I can see it going the worse way possible if I don't find something/do something to help myself.
I'm not fully positive what is making me depressed, exactly. I have a lot going on right now. My classes are slowly getting more pressuring, giving more work, getting a little hard and fast-paced, although I'm not so worried about that and feel if I don't give up I can keep up with it just fine (but I am worried that if I get to depressed, I'll slack and then things will turn bad)
Friend wise, I'm doing well. I've been making new friends here and there, been hanging out with people and getting closer to friends I already have. I have absolutely no complaints in that area, so I'm thinking it has nothing to do with a friend problem, I don't think...Well, perhaps, but she doesn't count since she's someone I was friends with a long time ago and haven't been friends with in years (will explain a little later)
I think one thing is the fact that I'm single now. It's been hard on me, I KNOW it's good for me. I KNOW I made the right choice and that in the end it'll help me out and will cause me to discover who I am and what I want (if only by a little) and by staying single I can just stay friends with people who do want to date me, get to know them better as friends, and once I do start dating again in the future, I'll have a better idea of who it is I actually WANT to be with. But, I wont' lie. I feel lonely. I hate not having the feeling of someone to hold me and comfort me when I want it, I hate not having someone to touch me and make me feel loved. It's tearing at me inside more then I ever thought it would. Before, when I was single, it was hard, but I knew it would only be so long until I found someone new. But now, I know I'm single, I know I"m stayin git for a long way, and I know that even though I found a person or two who would probably be fun to date or possibly very good people for me to be with, I can't be with them. And it hurts, it does. I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm weak and can't stick with something I made a vow on. I keep having my friends reminding me of what I said in the first place, and trying to talk me out of wanting to be with anyone, and I thank them so much because it truly does help and I know I need to stay single for me. But why does it still hurt me so much that I curl up and cry quite often lately? I just don't get it. I somehow thought that maybe since I made the decision to stay single myself, that it'd be easier to bne it since it had been my decision in the first place. But it's not...IT's harder, and that's what confuses me.
Things with my family has been doing well, my mom and I have worked out our differneces and talk on the phone every day to try and build back up our friendship. I havne't talke dto my dad in a while cause I'm kinda scared, but I'm working up the courage to call him here soon and I hope that goes well too. I'm going home to Ohio next month for a dentist appointment and an eye doctor appointment (which I really need, it's been 3 years since I last saw one, I found out!)
Speaking of which, I have 3 WEEKS to save up the money to buy new glasses. That's 3 paychecks, total. Which hopefully will get me enough, but I really REALLY wish someone would comission me for art. Even one person would be a hell of a lot of help to me, but I know it wont' happen. Cause if someone as great as NG is having problems with commissions and such, someone like me doesn't have a prayer, really. So, I"m not getting my hopes up on that any.
I've been feeling a little less sick lately, still get light-headed and such sometimes,a nd stomcheaches here and there, but I think I'll be okay. and I think the headache and light-headedness are because of my eyes, since they are being strained so much it seems. So I'm gonna wait till I get new glasses and if I still have those problems then I'll go see a doctor. I just dont' have the spare money right now to go see one and pay for medicine that may not even work anyway.
Also, my art has been depressing me lately, too. I try so hard to improve, and I know I'm showing little signs here and there, but when I try to show it off, I really dont' get much response. Heck, I'd be happy for even negative criticism, if only cause it'll give me an idea of what to improve on. I can't even get better if people never tell me what to do with my art. I hate it, I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere in life with that, and might as well just give up being a graphic designer, multimedia designer, or artist in any way, shape or form. Blech. Oh well. Guess I should be happy I can still draw, if only a little.
Another thing that's added to it recently. I was talking with one of my friends, and found out some things about this girl named Kelsey who I used to be best friends with in the past. We were friends for about 3 years or so back at end of middle school/beginning of high school. And I truly cared about her more then anyone else in my life, even though she treated me like s**t, stepped all over me, used me, talked me down to make herself feel better, all that. I kept forgiving her, kept going with her and staying her friend (and near the end of our friendship I did my fair share of mean things to her as well, and she forgave me as well. So it wasn't COMPLETELY just her that was the problem between us.) And when I was leaving the high school for a vocational school I had told her I didn't want ot be friends anymore, for the best sake of both of us since all we did was fight and "quite" being friends every other week. It was stressful on both of us, and I knew it would never get better at that time in our lives because we were both so immature to try and work thigns out. So, I told her that, and left for the new school.
She's hated me every day since. She can't stand the sight of me. And it breaks my heart. There has never been a single day I haven't thougth about her at least once. A day I haven't stopped caring about her. A day I haven't wished I could talk to her agian, even if only to say "Hi!" and chat about the weather or something. I miss her so much sometimes it makes me feel so terrible I could throw up. I know it's stupid, I know it wont' result in anything, but I still feel that way for her. I pulled all the thoughts and feelings out and went over them, and I think part of it is because I was kinda in love with her back hten, but didn't really know that until after we stopped being friends, so I never really got to let her know or try nad realize my feelings anymore. And I couldnt' anyway since she's straight, but still. It's been a rough couple of years, I miss her a lot.
I've written her a couple messages, emails, letters, etc. But she's never responded to a single one. The last one I wrote I said I wouldn't try and bother her ever again if she didn't respond. And I waited well over 2 months before I finally decided she wasn't going to respond. And she hasn't. And she never will, probably. But it hurts, I want her to respond, even if it's to yell and scream and me and curse me out. I want to talk to her, I want to see how her life is going.
I've heard some bad thigns about her like she started to smoke, drink, and her mother found 3 types of drugs in her room. And I'm so worried aobut her, because that is fully not the type of girl I knew her to be. She was a hard working who cared a lot about getitng perfect grades, was plannin gon getting into college and going somewhere with her life. (she's also failing her classes in college, from what my friend said) and I'm just so worried...and kinda dissapointed in her. I always felt she'd go much further in life then I ever will because she was always so...Determined. But she's thrown her life away like this, and I just don't know what to say. It makes me wonder about a lot of things.
I just wish I could get over the whole thing and jut move on finally, but I can't. And I know I will never be able to until she TALKS to me, just once, so I can get all these feelings out and hear what she has to say. I've matured a lot since we quit being friends, and I know I'm a lot older now and would be able to talk to her civily (I will never say I was the easiest to get along with back then either, was the reason we fought so much, probably). I just wish I could get her to see this, to realize how much I truly miss and wish to talk to her again, if only once. But, there's nothing I can do, is there?
Oh well, I guess that's all I have to say right now. Sorry for typing your eyes off, I just dont' know who to turn to anymore, I feel so depressed and down lately I just don't think I can pull myself out of it. I have to many problems pressing me down that it's like as soon as I finally get one of them overcome, another one or two come along to replace it. I'm not going to get anywhere like this.
Anyway, hope at least one of you cares, I really could use some friendly advice or even comfort from friends right now. I'm starting to get really worried for myself. And I think my friends in school and such are too, cause they keep askign me randomly "Are you alright?" because I guess i keep getting an expression on my face like I"m zoning out or depressed or something, I don't know. All I know is I can see the concern in their faces, and I hate making them have to worry about me becaue of all this. I need to figure something out soon, before I go insane with it all.
Bye.
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 2:58 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 3:34 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 3:58 pm
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Shaviv - War is a terrible thing. You fight for what you belive is right, what you where taught to think is right. But your fighting a mirror, really.They are fighting for what they where taught was right. There are deep scars in the mind, the physche from war. There is no law, and we feel remorse for killing our own. We feel that we aren't doing justice. However, what if we where taught all our lives, that killing has no room for remorse? Would we think it so wrong? I wish that our soldiers knew ahead of time, and could be trained so that the scars of war weren't so deep. Theres a movie comming out about a guy who fights in a war, that they taught him to kill, theydidn't teach him to stop. I think I'd like to see it, because I wonder about that too--I can't really imagen how horrid war is, I haven't been there. So I'm not sure.
Fog - Sounds like people are going to be laid off, or theres just to many people... My advice; start looking for a new job, just in case...
Shini - Depression is a mental sickness, we can't help it, really. You can have everything going for you, and you can still be depressed.
School and pressure useualy add up. If its getting to fast, pick the assignments you've got to do, or ones that will make the most. Always make sure you've got some free time to relax and destress.
Its hard to fallow threw, to interupt a rutine, to stop somthing that makes you feel good. Its like a withdrawl without it. You must belive in yourself, in your self respect to not lie to yourself.If you respect yourself, you must keep your vow and never give up hope! It's worse before its better, give it time, take it day by day. It hurts now, but like physical wounds, it will turn ugly, like a scab, and then fade away,into somthing you don't really notice or think of. Surround yourself with friends, take up hobbies, read books and find things to do. Try eating half portions (a portion by the way, is one hand full) of comfort foods. Of course, don't over eat, but try to comfort yourself. If you feel like crying, cry, don't hold it in. Write how you feel down, talk to people. If you want, you may confide in me any time you want, i'll give you a few ways to get ahold of me any time you need me for even the minutist(new word,lol.) thing.
Don't rush into rebuilding a relationship with your dad if your not ready. You'll know when you are, and you can ease into it. I'm happy you and your mother are working on rebuilding a relationship, that is also very important.
I for one know it dosen't help to say "I'd give you money if I had any!" becuase its almost a bitter feeling. I wish I could help you, but you know my circumstances. As for as 'great' as I am, I am surely not, but flattered you think so. smile If I was you, i'd try furbid, or whatever its called, aswell as e-bay, and furry forums.
I'm pretty sure its your eyes. That happened to me when I was partialy blind for a time in my left. So my right had to work much harder. For the stomache aches, get some Prilosec, preferabley from the doctor, its useualy alot cheaper. I'd see the doctor, or a theripist about depression.
I hate this topic. More then anything. Abandoning somone, or being abandoned. It stirs hate. I can't really give you advice, but I can tell you that in a simmilar predicament, all I could do was hate. I couldn't help myself, stop myself.. always hate them for how I felt. This wasn't right, honestly. Yet, its all I know, its all I can do. Hate is what I've got and theres nothing else there except pangs of lonliness, and want to help her, to make her into what she was. I loved her, and this is what I get in return. But You must understand, did you love her, or the her she has become? Often, I think it is best to drive out any thoughts of this person, to not aknowlage it, to push it away.
My suggestion, is to see a theripist. In the meantime, if you need me, I'm here, and if you feel so inclined, talk to me, ask for a way to reach me if i'm not online. And, before you get any idea that i'm just saying it to be nice, remember that niceness isn't exactly my "outstanding" quality, and I don't say things i'm not willing to fallow threw, its no trouble to me at all,if you need me, i'm here all hours of the day, kay?
Depression is a shadow that hides the path of life, and pulls people off the path and into trapping pits that we can't climb out of, much less find our way back to the path without the help, support, love, and light of a friend.
Shoki - Drink lots a' fluids and eat some chicken noodle soup! or whatever soup you like. smile
Kriss - I love the cold, personaly. My room is kept chilly, other then the cages of reptiles around my room, of course. I've had, however, recently been to cold and my room is alot warmer. To be honest, i'm shocked you get panic attacks! You seem so strong to me. sweatdrop
Yay and nay. Less classes = less work, however, ya wish you'd known it was canceled BEFORE you lugged stuff from one place to another.
what the crap. You know, you've got to wonder why people are so inclined to do that. I bet it was a guy. They seem to write f*****t more then girls do. I can't understand why, thoughh, people insist on useing homosexual diragatory terms. sad
I suggest take a nap, and then go play with redrum. heart
Speaking of mantises.. ninja quick question. Just mist her little home? also, is there a plant I might put in there for her? she's in a cup with a screen top, and a peice of egg carton. it looks so barron.. ;_;
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 5:30 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 7:17 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:23 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:30 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:37 pm
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Shaviv UglyCoyoteNG Shaviv - War is a terrible thing. You fight for what you belive is right, what you where taught to think is right. I get what you mean. I know at least in my head, if not in heart, what I got myself into when I promised myself that in event of conscription I would volunteer. Also, you fight for loyalty and the fear that someone will kill you if you don't - fear of your officers, or of the enemy, doesn't matter.
I have no such scruples. In the event of a draft, I'm getting the hell out of Dodge. I refuse to fight for our country, or to die for it. Let others braver and smarter than me go and get killed for some cause that shouldn't exsist. I want only to live, and I care not how or where I do it, so long as I preserve my life above all else.
I know this sounds cowardly and selfish, but man is an animal, just like any other. It is driven by the will to survive at all costs, and to have to be handed a death sentence by the government is not something I'm willing to do. My loyalty lays only with myself and with nothing else. Sorry. |
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Posted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 8:38 pm
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