[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki watched as Tony pug food onto Fenrir's plate, helping him where needed for something the boy wanted. Yes, he could see the parent Tony would be when he interacted with fenrir. He would be wonderful and attentive. Drawn from his quiet musings by Bruce's question he blinked. *Fine.* Loki answered. He wondered if looked unwell, he didn't feel unwell but maybe he just couldn't feel it. *Do I not look it?* Loki questioned.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce smiled, shaking his head. “No, no, you look fine.” Bruce said lightly. “I was just wondering.” He added. Glancing at Tony before looking back to the god, he tilted his head. He hadn’t talked to Loki much recently, avoiding anger and conflict as always. Smiling slightly, he met Loki’s eyes. “You know…now that you’re putting on a little weight, you could probably talk Tony into buying you some maternity clothes, make sure you’re comfortable.” He suggested lightly. Loki didn’t look bad, but some of his clothes were nearly stretched to their limit.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki relaxed when bruce said that he looked fine. He nodded when the man said he had just been wondering. Loki watched as the doctor glanced to tony before looking back to him and locking eyes and smiling. Loki wondered instantly what was coming, was bruce going to scold him about sleeping as well. Loki tensed ready to argue and snap but was caught off guard by the comment about him putting on weight. He shrunk a bit when the doctor continued to say that he could probably talk Tony into buying him maternity clothing. *I have clothes, I just can't get to them. They're in my pocket area.* Loki stated softly. He hadn't and still didn't feel right in asking Tony for anything. He also had no aces to any of his money which would allow him to buy his own clothes or pay the man back. *I can't go our in this form anyway.* Loki continued. He had noticed that his clothes were getting tight but he had hoped he would have enough magic to access his pocket before it got to where he had nothing that fit.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“I’m sure you do have clothes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get new clothes.” Bruce pointed out lightly. He knew Loki was nervous about getting things from Tony, but the genius was always eager to give things away and buy things for others. He was well aware of his wealth and liked making sure his friends had everything they wanted and needed. “And I know it’s not your style, but you can order clothes online….or I’m sure Tony knows a discrete tailor who would come in and not say anything.” He added. “You know that you don’t have to be nervous about needing things. This is your home."
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki shifted anxiously when Bruce pointed out that just because he had clothes didn't mean he couldn't get new ones. It was true of course but it had his mind returning to the thoughts of asking things from Tony that he didnt feel like he deserved or that he had no access to money of his own. He was sure if Tony had felt the same way as Bruce he would have said something already too but the man had been silent. No, Loki was sure he needed a way out of the conversation quickly. And it came with Bruce's mentioning of the tailor but loki did not have to fake anything to get out of the conversation. His mind was reeling with the implications of an unknown person trying to see him. *Surely you are not that naive. I was publicly announced as Tony's boyfriend months ago. Neither of us have been seen since. Then my first interaction with someone outside this house is for bigger clothes because I am pregnant. No that alone would send someone to your press. Not to mention that I am stuck on this form.* Loki replied. *The only reason you are keeping Thor and Kalani quiet is because they haven't left the mansion.* Loki continued after seeing Kalani whisper something to thor. She had been his friend when there had been no one else around for her, now that there was it seemed she preferred his brother and that brought years of pain back to the surface.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce blinked at Loki when he was met with such firm opposition. “I imagine you’re pregnancy will get out sooner or later Loki. I mean you’ll have to announce it before Tony starts showing up carrying unknown newborns around.” He pointed out gently. “And Tony knows plenty of people that will stay quiet when asked. His continued business is more valuable than one time fame for a news story.” He added. Did Loki really not trust that they could keep him safe and would only bring in people who wouldn’t hurt him? He could sense the sense Loki’s shift in mood though and pulled back a little.

Tony looked over curiously when he felt Loki’s mood sour. Glancing at Bruce, he frowned. He knew the doctor wouldn’t have said something to upset him on purpose. Carefully reaching out his hand, he touched Loki’s arm lightly, silently asking what was wrong. He wasn’t sure what had happened or what had been said, but he didn’t want Loki upset now.

 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki frowned when Bruce informed him that his pregnancy would get out sooner or later. That and the fact that they would have to announce it, god what would they say. Well it wasn't like he could say anything that they would understand right jow. If they would even listen to him if he was still in this form by then. He had noted that Bruce had only mention Tony being the ones to carry the newborns and he fought the urge to think about the possibility of his children being taken from him again. Loki jumped a bit when he felt Tony's hand on his arm. He looked up to the man and saw the questioning gaze. Had tony not been paying attention to them at all? A thought flitted through lokis mind then that the only thing involving him tony paid attention to now was anything to do with their children. Suddenly Loki just couldn't and he stood hurryin from the room. Everything just became too much for him in that moment and it felt like he couldn't breath. He wanted outside but that wasn't a possibility with the heat of the summer and who knew what was out there watching for him or tony.

*Geez tantrum much.* Clint stated.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony flinched away as Loki stood up and bolted. Staring at the doorway, he was completely confused for a moment. When Clint spoke, breaking the silence, the genius looked back to him with a small frown. Comments like that didn’t help, but he didn’t reprimand the archer. This wasn’t anyone else’s problem.

“I’m sorry Tony…..I didn’t mean to upset him so badly….” Bruce mumbled quietly. “I was just trying to talk to him…’ The doctor was clearly upset about having driven Loki away. He still considered the god a friend, even if they hadn’t talked in months.

Tony shook his head at the apology. “Don’t worry about it Bruce….It’s not your fault.” He said softly. Slowly standing, he picked up Loki’s cup of ice before he slowly followed Loki out, following the bond as best as he could.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"Dud not your fault Bruce, Loki has been up tantrum valley all week. I think all of us have gotten it at this point. His hormones must be all of the place for that. How did the other guy he was with handle it?" Clint questioned after Tony had left. He had seen the frown he had given him and did not want to incrue more looks or even comments.

It was Kalani who answered Clint's question though. "He didn't, he wasn't there during Loki's other pregnancy." she stated leaving Clint blinking at her. "I asked him about his other pregnancies and he said he had always been alone during them except for the second one when his mother checked up on him." she explained.

Loki hadn't run to the study or the bedroom, those were places someone would look for him. And the thought of them only made the suffocating feeling worse. So instead he ended up down in the gym in the shower room where he could sit on the tile floor and be cooled by it. He was sitting against the walls his knees pulled as close to his chest as he could get and his head on his arms breathing when Tony found him. He knew it was Tony because the man would have been the only one who was able to find him so fast without JARVIS.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce looked to Clint and then Kalani as they spoke. Sighing, he shook his head. “There is so much going on with all of this….I don’t know how to help him. Medically I could give him medicine in hopes of helping, but I don’t know what is due hormones and what is because of past issues.” He mumbled, leaning into Betty as she wrapped an arm around him comfortingly. He wanted to help, but it seemed like he didn’t have any possible way to.

Tony approached Loki slowly, giving the god plenty of time to send him away or leave himself. “I’ve come bearing gifts.” He said lightly, carefully setting the cup of ice down beside Loki. Slowly lowering himself to the ground beside Loki, he leaned back against the wall. He sat there in silence for a moment, trying to figure out what he needed to say. “What can I do to help Loki?” he finally asked. “What is it that you need?”
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki didn't move as Tony proclaimed he had come bearing gifts until the cup of ice had been set down. Only then did an arm unwrap itself to have the hand dig for a chunk of ice. A soft crunch could be heard after that as Tony sat down next to him. When Tony finally posed the questions to him Loki shrugged remaining silent for a few moments. *It feels like too much... everything. Thanos, the babies, my mind, being trapped in this form and you. I don't even know where to start. I can't fix one thing at a time or the other come crashing down.* Loki responded finally. *Oh, and I still have no magic so theres the problems that come with that too.* he mumbled having only lifted his head enough to be heard.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony listened to the god, not looking at him as he spoke. “You may not feel like it, but you are fixing things, you are improving. You’re doing so much better in just a few days.” He said slowly. Turning towards Loki then, he gently pet the god’s hair, trying to comfort him. “And you don’t have to fix me….The problem mine. I still love you Loki. I love you with all of my heart. But I…..I’m scared. I don’t know how to do this. Before, I just fell….I fell so hard and so fast, and everything just happened, and I didn’t know how or why it did. Now…..now I….I just don’t know where to begin. I have nothing to base off of….and you know how hard it is for me to figure things out like that.” He said. Shaking his head, he frowned. “And I know it’s hard being in this form…..I know it is, but you know I love you just as much like this as I love you in your other form.” He murmured. Slowly leaning over, he draped and arm over Loki and kissed his shoulder softly. “I don’t care what you look like, and neither does anyone else in this mansion.” He murmured, resting his forehead on Loki’s shoulder.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki shifted as Tony told him that even though it seemed like he wasn't fixing things he was indeed. He turned his face to the side when Tony said he was doing so much better in a few days. *It wasn't like I could fall much further than what I was.* Loki stated softly. He quieted though when Tony pet his hair, the touch soothed him and he let out a shuddered breath. He frowned when Tony told him that he didnt have to fix him and that the problem was his. Loki knew that wasn't true because he had caused the problem, if he hadn't run, hadn't hidden things it would have never been a problem. *I could fall from space after torture again.* Loki suggested off handedly. He looked at Tony fully when the man said that he loved him in the form he was stuck in. *I know that you don't mind and that no one else here minds but I'm stuck tony. I don't like not having control. I don't like being stuck. Everything is too hot in this form and I can't step foot out of the building. I feel trapped.* Loki admitted.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony snorted at Loki’s suggestion, appreciating the trace of Loki’s old humor in the words. Hearing that Loki felt trapped, Tony bit his lip. He didn’t know how to help with that. He knew how hard it was to feel like that. He’d often felt trapped, but he just ran away or did something outrageous to get over that. Loki couldn’t really do that. Not the same way. “Would going somewhere help? I could sneak us out to one of my other homes, Malibu, Miami, the Tower, any of them. We could go for a weekend, we could even take Fenrir with us.” He offered. He just wanted to do something to help, something that might make Loki happy again.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki's lips quirked when Tony gave a snort at his suggestion. He hadn't been all together serious about it but he might have if he thought it would help. When Tony asked if going somewhere would help he shrugged. He didn't know if it would or if he would just be transferring his cage to a different location. No what he wanted was the freedom to choose. *No, I don't think so but thank you for offering it.* Loki finally decided. He sat quiet for a few more minutes contemplating asking his question to Tony knowing that it might upset things. Finally he went for it. *Do you really want me here?* Loki questioned. *I know for the babies I need to be, but if they weren't a problem. Or when they're born, will you still want me?* Loki questioned.