[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Letting out a hum of acknowledgement to Loki’s refusal, Tony remained in his spot, not wanting to leave him like this. Loki’s next words had him stiffening, turning shocked eyes on the god. “What?!” he asked softly. “Of course I want you here Loki.” he finally said once his mind started to work again. “Loki…every day that you were away felt like hell. I had no peace without you. I need you near…..” he admitted. “Even though I’m not with you in the way that you want, the way that we both want right now, I still love you Loki….I just….I just can’t…..” he mumbled. He didn’t know why he couldn’t be with Loki like they both needed to be. The stress and confusion began to weigh on him more and he could only hide his face against Loki’s shoulder as a few tears slid down his cheeks. “I don’t know what to do Loki.” he admitted.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki watched Tony and flinched softly when the man turned shocked eyes on him. He shrunk a bit when Tony declared that of course he wanted him around, wanted him there. He was more surprised to hear that their time apart had been the same, hell with no peace. He nodded in agreement to that statement, he had needed Tony, wanted him. He hadn't wanted to go on without him but he had and not well. *I know, I don't... I just... you only touch me if it is to touch the babies or when I am upset.* Loki murmured softly. *I don't need more, I just, I couldn't tell. We lie in the same bed together but there is such distance.* Loki continued feeling the same stress and confusion weighing on him. When he felt the wetness on his shoulder he looked to Tony feeling that lump in his throat that threatened his own tears. Still though they felt too far away. *I don't know either, there is just too much.* Loki whimpered.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony shook his head against Loki’s shoulder. “I don’t touch you because I don’t know what I am allowed.” He said quietly. He still didn’t know if or when Loki would reject him. “And I don’t know if I’d be able to stop if I started.” He added. He’d wanted Loki so desperately, missed his weight beside him in bed, missed the feel of his mind so close, missed his constant comfort. He wanted Loki so badly, he didn’t know if he could stop himself, and he still needed a little time and space to process and heal. Tears continued to fall as he spoke, and Loki’s whimper just sent him deeper into his sadness. “I just wish I could help you, that I knew how….” He mumbled. He could handle his own pain, he was used to it, he was a master at locking it away and ignoring it. But he couldn’t handle the pain of his mate.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki listened to Tony ready for some form of reject himself when the man said that he didn't know what was allowed. The fact that Tony didn't know if he would be able to stop once he started had the longing in Loki growing. *I would take all that you would give and beg you for more despite knowing that I deserve none.* Loki murmured. Even the warm head with damp tears on his shoulder felt like an oasis in a desert where he had been for months. When Tony continued to say that he wished he could help and that he knew how had Loki shaking his head. *I don't know what to do, I can not expect you to.* Loki stated closing his eyes as he rested his head against the wall. He wanted to fix things wish he knew how because they both needed it. And because if they didn't the bond they had would break, probably in the near future. Loki had no idea what that would mean for him as a Jotun, humans didn't take mate bonds, weren't adapted to them. The fact that Tony had was amazing but he doubted the genius would suffer penalty from losing it. Loki worried what would happen to him however since his brothers had seemed concerned about it when they had told him what had passed between Tony and Loki that night on Asgard. That night that had led to all this, all because of one man.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony had no reply for Loki’s words. He knew Loki wanted to be close just as desperately as he did, but the hurt wasn’t the same between them. Not to mention the fact that Tony still felt completely inadequate for Loki. He’d spent months convincing himself that he wasn’t what Loki wanted, needed, or deserved. Some part of him still clung to that belief. It was the easiest thing to believe, and it hurt no one else but himself. Tony continued to let his tears fall in silence, unable to stop them just yet. By the time they stopped, he had a throbbing headache, but the weight of his worries felt a little less heavy. Wiping at the tear stains on his cheeks, he slowly lifted his head. “Loki….” He said softly, barely a whisper. He didn’t speak again until the god was looking at him. Studying the man’s red eyes, he didn’t try to hide the vulnerability he felt at the moment. “Don’t leave like that again…..please…..at least promise me that. If you ever want to leave, I won’t stop you…..but talk to me first…..please….” he asked slowly, a lifetime of loneliness and disappointments showing. The pain and insecurity he tried so hard to hide was drudged up in the moment, and he couldn’t help but ask for the promise to try and soothe himself a little.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki didn't know what to expect after he had spoken but the lack of words unnerved him. The tears that kept dampening his should had him wanting to break down himself but they just wouldn't seem to come. All loki could think then was that he had broken himself in some way only able to feel anger and irritation fully. He didn't want that, he knew nothing would go right with those emotions. When he heard his name in barely a whisper he looked to tony unsure what to expect. He was surprised by the vulnerability in the man's eyes and the words that followed. *I won't leave again not of my own free will. I couldnt even if I wanted to and I don't want to leave you. And if I am pulled away against my free will I will fight every day to get back or die trying. I can't leave you tony, I love you. Love you more than anyone else and it's like I can't breath without you.* Loki responded his heart in his words. He wanted Tony to know how true his words were to know that he wouldn't leave him again. Even if the man sent him away he would stay as close as he could.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony listened to Loki’s words, eyes not leaving Loki’s. Taking a deep breath, Tony nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. He willed himself to believe the man’s words, tried to use him words to soothe himself. Leaning forward, he pressed his forehead against Loki’s, eyes opening again. “I missed you Loki….every moment.” He mumbled. Slowly reaching up, he cupped Loki’s cheek, searching the god’s eyes for something. After a moment, he slowly pressed a kiss to Loki’s lips. It was soft and gentle, but it held a weight. It was an olive branch, and a proof of his feelings.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki kept his eyes locked with Tony's, he wanted the man to know how true his words are. Wanted him to know how much he regretted leaving and causing the genius such pain. When Tony nodded and closed his eyes Loki watched worriedly. He didn't know what Tony had decided or what he was thinking about now. When Tony's forehead touch his own Loki held his breath. This touch wasn't new Tony had done it a few days ago after he had been taken by Shield. When brown eyes opened again and Tony spoke Loki felt at a loss of what to do. He had missed Tony as much as the man missed him and here they sat with foreheads pressed together and a hand on his cheek now. Again Tony seemed to search his eyes for something and loki grew anxious, what was it that the man was lolling for. What could he give to him, offer, apologize, Loki didn't know. But then lips were against his in a soft gentle kiss and loki blinked in surprise for a moment. He had not expect such a thing and his heart gave alight flutter as he kissed back keeping the soft and gentle. He would not push though he desperately wanted to, he recognized the kiss for what it was. An olive branch but not an invitation.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony relaxed with the feel of the kiss, drinking in the contact. Pulling away after a moment, he brushed his thumb over Loki’s cheek softly. “I love you so much.” He mumbled. “I love you, and I’m going to love these children.” He promised. “Do you believe me?” he asked, not pulling away from Loki any further. After a moment, he leaned in again, giving another soft kiss. He supposed that he was steady enough that he could offer a little more affection now….if Loki wasn’t in a bad mood at least. When he pulled away again, he sighed heavily. “Now….why don’t we try to get you a little sleep?” he suggested softly.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

A soft noise escaped Loki when Tony ended the kiss but he was soothed by the thumb rubbing his cheek. *I love you too* Loki breathed. He listened to tony continue and nodded in answer. *I do, I know you will.* he answered. He knew Tony would love their children from the way he treated and loved Fenrir who wasn't his child. When Tony kissed him again Loki responded eagerly but keeping the level of the kiss the same. When Tony pulled away again Loki felt like his whole body was buzzing and the mention of sleep did nothing to abate it. Loki wasn't sure he could sleep now even if he wanted to but he nodded anyway.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Smiling at Loki when the god agreed to trying for sleep, Tony slowly stood, stretching slightly before he reached down and carefully helped Loki to his feet. Taking Loki’s hand, he slowly led Loki from the gym and towards his lab. “What did Bruce say that upset you?” he asked slowly as they walked. He wanted to help figure out how to reassure Bruce after what had happened. Tony’s lab was cleaner than it had been when Loki had first returned, but it was still more chaotic than normal. With a wave of his hands the lights dimmed and the glass of his lab walls tinted to provide some privacy. Letting go of Loki’s hand, he moved to the cot set up in the corner. It was actually less of a cot and more of a day bed with a remarkably thin mattress on it. Cleaning up around it, he pulled off the heavier blankets, leaving only a few sheets, knowing Loki would grow too hot otherwise.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki accepted Tony's help up readily knowing it would have been quite a project to do himself. When Tony took his hand to lead him he smiled to himself. The question had Loki frowning however. *That I was fat and needed new clothes...* Loki stated. He was surprised to see that the lab was a bit cleaner than the last time he had been inside. He followed Tony to the cot bed thing and watched as Tony set it up for him. He was glad to see that it was less a cot than he though, it meant he would have some back support.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony choked a little to keep from laughing at Loki’s words. “You aren’t fat Loki.” he said lightly. “You’re carrying two growing babies…..would you like some new clothes?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder at Loki. Grabbing a few extra pillows off the couch, he arranged them on the bed before motioning for Loki to lay down. “Not that I mind getting to see your belly every now and then.” He added with a smile.
 

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki glared at Tony when he heard the man express a choking noise. He could see the amusement on Tony's face at his words about being fat. Tony was smart in protesting against the fact but it didn't help. When the man asked if he wanted new clothes Loki shifted a bit uncomfortably. He still didn't feel like he should be asking anything of tony. *I have clothes in the pocket, I just can't get them right now.* Loki answered as he moved to lay down when Tony motioned. He returned the smile the man gave him with a small one of his own when Tony said that he didnt mind seeing his belly now and then.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“Well we could see about getting you a few until you can.” Tony said lightly. Making sure Loki was comfortable, Tony nodded to himself slightly. He’d done what he could to help Loki. It was then that DUMME rolled over, giving a curious whistle. Tony turned and hushed the robot, which began a back and forth exchange of Tony hushing the robot as DUMME continued to make small inquisitive noises, eventually ignoring the genius to roll over to Loki and inspect him. No one else had ever slept in the lab, so the robot was clearly confused.