201 ΡδρζαΓ

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

He was glad that Micha accepted him for being a tad boring. He knew he wasn't the most wild of guys out there but that didn't seem to be an issue. Samuel was aware of the various kinks out there. However he didn't feel the need to try too many of them, especially those on the darker side. If he was being honest, they kind of freaked him out. He didn't get how someone could feel pleasure from extreme pain nor was he keen to find out. Still, he was more than willing to try one or two new things with Micha.

Hearing the male question him, he answered honestly, even sharing a bit about himself. His smile grew as he took note of his surprise to learn that he had already used them. He didn't personally own any a**l beads, but his last boyfriend before Micha did. It wasn't an everyday kind of toy, but when it was used Samuel had liked them well enough. He wouldn't mind giving them a try again. It sounded fun, especially for nights when Micha wanted to switch things up. Samuel nodded to the males words. "That they are." he said with a slight tease. Moving on to his next question, he took his next bite.He listened to Micha talk while he chewed his food. He wasn't too surprised that Micha would have no interest in double ended toys. He didn't think he would, but he was curious nonetheless. "Well damn, and here I thought we could finally ******** each other at the same time." he joked, picking up his coffee cup for another sip.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



Switching things up was definitely interesting though he worried. They had yet to discuss what had happened. He wondered if now would be a good time but he thought not. Micha didn't want to disrupt the positive that was happening. He wasn't so sure Samuel would talk to him about it.

Micha was open to trying new things with Samuel but wasn't so sure in the reverse. He watched as Samuel smiled as he questioned him. It made him wonder after all seeing as Samuel didn't seem to like the bottom end of sex before they got together.

Listening to Samuel tease him, amused him. He continued to eat as he expressed his dislike for double ending. Micha listened as Samuel teased him. He rolled his eyes however. Micha though couldn't help the thoughts that passed. He had questions that needed answers. Micha was going to leave it but he just couldn't. "We can still ******** each other, though I have to wonder, will you let me?" He asked finally wanting to have an actual conversation about it.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

In his head he liked to think that switching could be fun. They could have some new experiences and try some of the things they'd talked about before. He knew they never really talked about that last time they switched and honestly he would prefer not to. Neither of them were in a good head space, it was best to leave it at that. However he knew that wasn't for the best. They would never get passed it if they kept brushing it aside like it never happened.

Samuel smiled as he went on to tease the male. Glancing Micha's way he saw him roll his eyes while Samuel sipped his coffee. He started to go back to his meal and continue eating, though he could practically hear the gears turning in Micha's head. He didn't know what he would ask, but he was patient nonetheless. After taking a few more bites, Micha questioned him. There it was. He knew he couldn't avoid it forever yet he still didn't feel ready. Samuel took his time chewing his food as he considered his question. After swallowing, he set down his fork and wiped his mouth with his napkin. "Honestly, I would like to...I want to think things might be different this time around. After all, we switched once or twice before that and it was fine." he replied slowly.

Raising his eyes, he looked across the table towards Micha with a slightly worried expression. He wasn't even sure the male ever want to switch with him again. The last time was such a mess and he could only blame himself. If they did switch, he wanted to feel as though Micha actually wanted him and wasn't just using him to take out his frustrations again.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



The last time they had sex together when he was on top, Micha had stopped in the middle of it. Samuel had freaked out on him. This was after his return. He had expected it which is why he didn't push the subject. Micha didn't want Samuel to avoid the questions either. He knew such topics were like walking on glass.

Micha questioned Samuel watching as he absorbed it. He allowed Samuel to take his time. If he didn't want to talk about it, they didn't have to. Micha grabbed his coffee taking a sip. It was slightly bitter from the refill. He ignored it as he waited.

As Samuel answered him, he nodded as Samuel responded. Micha though worried about switching. He didn't want to hurt Samuel or scare him. Micha knew if he switched that it wouldn't be out of frustration but because he wanted to. He wanted to show Samuel he loved him.

"Fair enough though I don't think any time soon… Though not because I don't want to, more like I'm afraid to." Micha replied softly looking away from Samuel. He was embarrassed and scared in his own way. Micha knew he wouldn't hurt Samuel physically like he had but because he was worried Samuel wouldn't want to even if he was saying he did.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

He remembered what happened the last time they switched. He had begun spiraling and second guessing them both. It hadn't been intentional, but a years worth of bottled up anxiety had finally caught up with him. He knew he'd gone a little crazy, but he was better now. There was no need for Micha to worry nor did he need to treat him like a mental patient. Hearing the male speak, he answered him honestly. He didn't expect Micha to read too far into his words but he was soon proven wrong.

When he was finished talking, Samuel returned to his food. He took a few bites before hearing the male speak once more. He nodded to show that he was listening and not just stuffing his face. Lifting his head, he wiped his mouth as he gave him a look of confusion. "Why would you be afraid?" he asked gently. He didn't know if Micha would tell him or not. Though a part of him felt as though he already knew exactly why. It was because of him, all of him and his stupid panic attacks.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



Micha had dealt with Samuel's panic attacks before. They weren't a surprise to him. However in the past they hadn't scared him. He couldn't help but be honest with Samuel, he was afraid. Micha didn't like seeing the panic from Samuel. It only caused his own fear and panic.

As he responded, he watched Samuel. Micha saw him nod as he listened, though soon saw his confusion. He didn't blame Samuel nor would he. It had been his fault in the first place for hurting Samuel. Micha listened as Samuel questioned him. He didn't want to talk about it but knew he had to. "Afraid, scared it's all the same... I don't want to hurt you or scare you...I know I wasn't very careful or patient in Paris." Micha talked plainly as he avoided looking at Samuel. He picked at his food with his fork as well.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Knowing that Micha had to deal with his panic attacks before didn't make him feel any better. He didn't like the male seeing him when he was like that. He was also so irrational and jumping to the worst conclusions, he could only imagine what Micha must think of him when he was in such a state. Nothing good he supposed but he didn't want to assume. As Samuel continued eating, he heard the male speak. He soon raised his head and questioned him though he was almost certain he knew where he was going with this.

Looking over the male he could see that talking about this was the last thing he wanted. But they had already promised each other that they were going to be honest with one another. Holding back would only hurt them more in the long run. Samuel was patient as he waited for a reply. When Micha did speak about a minute later, his voice was soft and he refused to look at him. Samuel a bit emotional as the male spoke. He knew under any normal circumstance Micha would have never hurt him. But they weren't their normal selves that night and he couldn't bring himself to blame Micha for what he did. "It's not your fault." he said softly. "You had every right to be angry and I....I deserved it. It's my fault." Staring down at his plate he didn't know what else to say. He couldn't apologize enough for that night he didn't know what else he could say or do to make it better.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



Micha was not blaming Samuel. If anything he blamed himself. He knew that bringing up the past wasn't a good idea. They had already discussed it and thought they were passed it. However his point wasn't about Paris, it was the panic attack. Micha didn't understand it but wanted to. He usually didn't push Samuel on his panic attacks. Micha merely let them happen but they never talked about them.

Looking away from Samuel, he couldn't help it. He wasn't trying to pressure Samuel into talking about it but he had to understand. Micha soon heard Samuel as he spoke apologizing to him. He looked up to see Samuel staring down at his plate.

"I don't blame you Samuel. I've come to terms with what happened in Paris… What I don't understand is why? Why the panic attack? What caused it, what was going on in your thoughts, that it happened??" Micha replied pushing his plate away. "We never talk about them, just avoid them." He commented softly trying better to understand Samuel's thought process.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Samuel knew that Micha was not blaming him and still he felt the need to apologize for his actions. Talking about the past wasn't exactly his favorite topic but he was aware that at some point they would need to have this discussion. They couldn't keep avoiding it like it never happened. The longer they waited the worse it would be. He didn't like talking about his panic attacks, not even with his therapist.

Staring down at his plate, Samuel went on to apologize. He could feel Micha staring at him. He listened as the male gently spoke, urging him to provide some kind of answer. Answers he wasn't even sure he had. Beneath the table he bounced his leg slightly. Hearing the sound of movement, he glanced to see Micha had pushed his plate aside. Again, the male urged him to talk. "I can't." he said, still looking down. "Not because I don't want to, but because I don't know....My therapist thinks it's a combination of family issues, bad break-ups, and just not being able to live a truly authentic lifestyle until about six months ago. Honestly I don't know if I completely agree with that assessment, but she is the expert. Otherwise I wouldn't be paying her $200 an hour, right?"

Sighing softly, he ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I don't know why I get panic attacks. I've had them on and off for years. As for what triggered it this time...I don't know, I guess some old memories just cropped up or something from that night. It's not like I want to remember you like that, but it's there and..I hate it." When he was finished speaking, Samuel at last looked towards Micha. He knew Micah would never hurt him like that again. But still the memory lived on in his mind and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



It was hard to understand what Samuel was thinking. Micha found sometimes he could read Samuel but not always. Especially when a panic attack hit. He wanted to understand but wasn't even sure if Samuel understood it himself. Micha pushed his plate away as he tried to attempt to get Samuel to talk. He wasn't forcing him but it was needed.

As Samuel spoke, it was almost a defeated reaction. Micha could understand if Samuel couldn't talk about it. He was surprised by the idea of a therapist, he wondered if that was new? Micha couldn't remember Samuel having a therapist before they broke up. He remained silent and patient however.

Sitting there, Micha watched as Samuel ran a hand through his hair before speaking again. Micha listened as Samuel replied. He could understand that fear, it was his too. Micha hadn't wanted to hurt Samuel, let alone scare him. He watched as Samuel finished and looked up at him.

"I understand you can't explain. I'll accept that… But answer me this, do I still scare you? If we actually switched it up again, would it be an issue?" Micha asked curiously hoping Samuel could answer. He didn't want to pressure Samuel. It was one of the reasons he had avoided trying it again. Micha wasn't going to push it. After all topping wasn't a must between them. He could live with being the only one ******** for the rest of his life if need be, if it gave Samuel peace and control.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

It wasn't the first time Micha had suggested he was hard to read. He knew that he could be a little closed off at times. It was an old habit he wasn't exactly sure how to break. Samuel wanted to be more open with Micha, but it was hard to talk about some of the things going on in his head. He didn't want to be seen as a mental patient or anything less than the way he saw him now. The problem with his anxiety and panic attacks, he didn't know where pinpoint their origin. It's not like he could pick one traumatic event from his childhood and say that's it, that's when I went crazy.

When he spoke he couldn't help coming off as a little defeated. But really he was just trying to be honest and make some sense of what he was experiencing. He wasn't entirely sure Micha would. As he spoke of his therapy, he could see the males surprise. Though he couldn't blame him, after all it wasn't as though he'd told him about it. Therapy was never a constant in his life. Whenever his parents would argue he remembered how sometimes they would drag him and his brothers to family therapy. Then in middle school he was told to talk to the school councilor because his teachers didn't like the way he would rather read books than make friends. Going into his teen years and young adult life, he was a chain smoker who was considered too friendly with his female classmates, harassed for having a swimmer's build, and constantly being fed updates about his bride-to-be, all while he was still so very deep in the closet.

After breaking up with Micha and finding a bit of his sanity again, he had gone back to therapy. Again, it wasn't often, just enough to help him make sense of his new life. When he was finished speaking Samuel looked towards the man. He could only imagine what Micha might be thinking about him. He probably thought he was crazy and he wouldn't be completely wrong. Sitting back in his seat, he listened as the male questioned him curiously. Samuel shrugged as he shifted in his seat, folding his arms on the table as he leaned forward. "I want to say no. Cause like, we had that one time before that and everything was completely fine. It was fun, we came, then had went to sleep for a few hours." he said softly, trying his best to explain what he was thinking. "I don't know why my brain decided to be like "hey, here's some memories you forgot while you were spooning all morning"...I don't....I know that wasn't you back then and I don't want this to be an issue for us."

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



The idea of talking to a random stranger about his feelings didn't appeal to him. It was hard enough to talk to Samuel about them. He couldn't help but ask Samuel about his fear. Micha watched as Samuel shrugged his shoulders and crossed his arms on the table. He listened as Samuel spoke, trying to understand his reasoning. Micha knew there wasn't anything he could do after all it wasn't something to fix. He nodded as Samuel commented. "Fair enough...I don't want this to be a problem either… Although I think it's best if we take small steps. I don't want to jump into it right now but work toward it maybe if you want." Micha replied watching Samuel. He didn't want to hurt Samuel again even if he didn't mean to. Micha had his own fears to sort out too.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Talking to a therapist wasn't his favorite thing to do. However there had been a few points in his life that he found to be just what he needed. Samuel understood that now was a time to talk and be honest. Finding the right words and not hurting Micha's feelings in the process seemed impossible. He knew Micha only wanted to help and get a better understanding so he tried his best to explain himself. Still, he felt as though he wasn't conveying his feelings well enough even though it was the best he could do. Glancing across the table, he watched as the male nodded and gave him what seemed like a doable solution. However, time would tell if it worked or not. "I agree, that probably is best. Though what sort of steps do you think we should take? I don't know about you, but I've never had any experience with this sort of thing." he replied honestly. He couldn't exactly say it was luck, but the majority of his exes liked to use their words while breaking up with him. They were never physical. So he had no idea how to deal with something like this. He supposed he could keep seeing his therapist, though he wasn't sure how much good she could do.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx MICHA } ALIK POLZIN x


✖ █ ❛ 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝑜𝓃𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓀𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒸𝓁𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓈, 𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝒻𝒶𝓃𝒸𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒷𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶 𝓈𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓇. ...



If Samuel hurt his feelings so be it. He merely just wanted Samuel to be honest with him. Micha wasn't bothered by Samuel's answer after all it was something to go on. He hadn't been too physical with Samuel or so he thought. Micha had taken a little anger out on him by biting him and also ******** him but he'd stop before it got out of hand. He hadn't wanted to hurt Samuel but he had.

Micha listened as Samuel questioned him. He wasn't too sure either how to go about it. Micha had never really had the problem either. Seeing as Samuel is his first. He was used to being on the bottom not on top. If anything it was Samuel's body to control.

"I don't know either… It's not like an expert either… But right now I suggest that we only touch no actual physical intercourse…If you want something more than perhaps toys would be best...I don't want to push things, if you don't want to ******** then we don't have to… But there's always the double d***o." Micha smiled at Samuel as he reached his hand out across the table. He wanted to take things slow. Micha loved Samuel and wasn't going anywhere.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

In his head he knew what Micha had done wasn't really much of anything. Compared to some people in this world, he got off pretty easy. The physical trauma wasn't really what worried. But what he couldn't get past was the raw emotion behind it all. Samuel had looked him in the eyes, knew that Micha had every right to be angry with him and to punish how he saw fit. However, what he saw in Micha scared him. He had seen Micha mad plenty of times but never like that. Maybe he was remembering wrong or exaggerating, but that person was not his boyfriend.

As they continued to talk, Samuel couldn't help questioning the male. He didn't think Micha would have any experience with this either, seeing as his preferred position was to be on the bottom. But he wondered if he had ever had a partner was ever violent with him? And if so, how did he get over it? As he questioned the male, he listened to him speak. His words made sense and he wasn't in a hurry to be ******** anytime soon. Samuel managed a small laugh and smiled back at the male as he gave him a small tease. "Oh god, I hate that I even suggested that." he whined.

Samuel watched the male then reach across the table and cover his hand with his own. His smile warmed as he looked back at the male. "But you're right, we should probably cool a bit with the sex. Maybe not ******** at every hour like we used to." he teased. Picking up the males hand, Samuel pressed a soft kiss to his knuckles. He didn't mind going slow either. If it helped them smooth out a few of their problems from before, then it was worth it. Not only that, he wanted to take his time getting to know the parts of Micha he'd missed out on. It would take a little getting used to, but it was worth the effort. He didn't want to lose Micha again.