XXX JOKES

[haloshatterer v2]

evola bionic-soldier

So one day little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to his mom, "Mom, grandma's got her shrimps hanging out again."

Knowing that the grandma is going a little senile in her old age, mom goes out into the living room and finds grandma sitting in her lazy-boy with her dress up and her panties around her ankles.

Not knowing how she is going to explain this to her son, the mom goes back into the kitchen and says to little Johnny, " Honey, those aren't shrimps. They are part of the v****a which is the female reproductive organ on a woman, just like the p***s is for a man."

Little Johnny replies, "Well whatever you say mom but they sure taste like shrimps to me!"

that is SO gross!!  

[so_dope_money]

One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to the Foxy Lady. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, “Take it off!”

The man in front turns around and says, “Can you please quiet down, I’m trying to enjoy the show.”

The man in the back says, “I’m sorry, it’s just my enthusiasm.”

The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, “Take it off!!!”

The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.

Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.

The guy in front turns around and says, “Where’s your enthusiasm now, pal?”

The guy in back just smiles and says, “All over your back, pal.”  

[so_dope_money]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"  

[so_dope_money]

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."  

[so_dope_money]

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn�t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, Just what the hell is your secret?

Bubba replied, Well, coach, whenever Im about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw em forever!

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his p***s on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, Is that you, Bubba?  

[so_dope_money]

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"  

[so_dope_money]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"  

[Sogeki Skellington]

Boy1: 1, 2, 3, 4. I declare a thumb war.
Boy2: 5, 6, 7, 8. I use this hand to masturbate  

[Sogeki Skellington]

Bob: so did the doctor give you your results?
Tim: yeah. apparently all those years of phone sex have caught up to me.
Bob: how?
Tim: I have hearing AIDS.  

[haloshatterer v2]

Sogeki Skellington

Boy1: 1, 2, 3, 4. I declare a thumb war.
Boy2: 5, 6, 7, 8. I use this hand to masturbate

i love this one  

[Sogeki Skellington]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,

"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,

"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."  

[Sogeki Skellington]

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."  

[Sogeki Skellington]

After working together for some time d**k and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other.

One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

d**k finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, d**k says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!"

To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!".  

[Sogeki Skellington]

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's p***s.

"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest p***s I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"

"Well," says the Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!"

The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."

"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"

"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"

Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"

Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."

"Imaging that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"