[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

He hadn't stopped watching where Tony had disappeared to, some part of him hoping the man would come back despite knowing he wouldn't. Loki knew that Tony was lost in a project of some kind and was almost a bit surprised he had come out for food instead of working through dinner. He did finally look away from the doorway when Bruce said that Tony wasn't particularly skilled in handling these situations, he nodded to the doctor. He knew all too well that Tony wasn't good in these things, it wasn't like he was either. He may be a word smith but he tended to run from things like this, which had caused this in the first place. Well that and hiding the pregnancy, he sighed at that thought and looked to Bruce as the man touched on his thoughts and speculated on Tony's. "I never doubted that he could be a father, nor did I never want him to not be a part of their lives...I should have told him...." Loki murmured moving to a chair and sitting down. Yggdrasil, he wished he had never hidden it or run but hindsight was 20-20 and he couldn't take back his actions. Looking back up to Bruce when the doctor suggested that he reach out to Tony, perhaps by showing some form of affection through touch. "We discussed that earlier, after lunch when he found me. He said he's not ready." Loki sighed before laying his head on the island he sat at.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“Oh I know you never intended to give him that impression. Those are coming from his own insecurities more than anything I think.” Bruce murmured, following Loki, but instead of sitting down, he fetched the god a cold drink. He’d normally offer tea, but he knew better than to offer Loki a hot drink at the moment. Hearing that they’d talked about the touch issue earlier, Bruce frowned. “This is something you can’t rush.” Bruce started carefully, unsure of how to phrase his advice, or if he should even offer it. “But an occasional nudge wouldn’t be amiss…….” He added slowly. “Tony is trying, and he may not be ready to be extremely intimate, and you should respect that, but I honestly think he could handle small affections. And it may help to have you initiate them sometimes…..you’re respecting his boundaries, which is good, but sitting and waiting for him constantly could be seen as disinterest or lack of effort on some level.” The doctor pointed out. Finally sitting beside Loki, Bruce stared out one of the windows, frowning, trying to figure out how to help his friends. “Tony is a physical person…..at least when it comes to affection, and not just romantic affection. He hugs his friends, pokes them, pat’s their shoulders, messes with them. He only does that with those he feels close to. He hasn’t done that much in months, and I think it hurts him a little, isolates him. Pepper said he was like that after Afghanistan, and he was like that after the attack on New York. But sometimes a little nudge can help bring people out of situations like that, a reminder almost.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"Thanks..." Loki thanked when Bruce got him a cold drink. He sipped on it pondering his world with Tony at the moment, it was all too complicated and yet simple. He nodded when Bruce said that what was before him was not something he could rush. He knew it too despite how much he desired for the touch and affection he had had before. Glancing to Bruce when the man proclaimed that an occasional nudge wouldn't be amiss he frowned but waited for the doctor to explain. He understood the logic of everything Bruce told him and the fact that his leaving had caused Tony to change his behavior caused more guilt to whell up in him. Putting his head in his hands he ground his palms into his eyes for a moment and breathed. "I messed so much up, hurt him so badly... I... I don't understand how he could still want me, still love me." Loki murmured. "He should be mad, by Yggdrasil I expected him to hate me when I woke in the infirmary." Loki admitted before taking another breath and continuing. "I came back you know, masqueraded as Mischief for awhile. I visited Fenrir, made sure he knew that I still loved him and that I wasn't leaving him for good. But mostly I came back to see Tony, it hurt to be away. But then our resident assassins figured it out, they almost trapped me here one night. I was scared and didn't know how Tony felt about everything and after I escaped I didn't come back. After a few days I couldn't even if I had wanted to." Loki continued.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce bit his lip as Loki spoke. There was no denying that Loki had messed up, but Bruce didn’t need to remind Loki of it or agree with him. “Loki….love involves forgiveness. And you aren’t the only one who has messed up in this house and still gets love. I turn into a monster, I’ve wiped out towns, yet Betty loves me. Bucky has killed, will probably kill again, yet Steve loves him. Natasha was a killer and assassin, Thor left Jane without a word or warning, and when he did come back, he took a long time in searching her out again.” He said slowly. “We aren’t perfect, yet we all love each other despite that. Tony loves you, and he will continue to love you.” Fidgeting slightly, Bruce was silent again, unsure how to respond to the idea of Loki being around after he’d left. The idea angered him a little. Loki got the comfort of being near Tony, but Tony didn’t get the comfort in return. “I wondered why Fenrir took it as well as he did…..” he said slowly. Shaking his head, Bruce leaned forward and clasped his hands together. “You know I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, I don’t know how to tell you what is going on in Tony’s head or how to feel better.” He frowned. “But it sounds like maybe you simply don’t believe that Tony really loves you. You’re waiting for the bad news to come.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki listened to Bruce as the man explained everyone's wrongs. He could see the point Bruce was trying to make but no one had left their partner as Loki had. Neither had abandoned the other as he had. Still he nodded gently not seeking to argue with Bruce again. Sure Thor had left but that had been because Loki had forced him to destroy the Bifrost to save jotunhiem. That had not been thor's choice not really. Nodding again when the man commented about Fenrir taking his disappearance well. He could understand the slight anger he could see on Bruce's face, Tony had no idea that he had been there so the only one gaining comfort from it had been him. Taking another sip of the cold drink Bruce had given him as bruce continued. "No, I do believe he loves me. I do but... I just don't understand why. Why he should he love me? Omitting everything from my past before him I still have done so many things that he should at the very least dislike me for. Hell, he hasn't even been angry with me for leaving. I guess maybe I just expected the yelling." Loki protested before explaining his thoughts.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“Who ever understands why someone loves them?” Bruce asked slowly. “Did you understand before you left?” he asked with a faint smile. The idea that Tony should be angry had Bruce rolling his eyes. There was an easy reason behind that. “I’m sure he was a little angry, but the only thing I’ve seen him get angry about is people lying to him. You keeping the pregnancy from him is what he was angry about. Everything else that’s done, he internalizes. He blames himself for. He always does. He blamed himself for you leaving, told all of us that he did. He wasn’t ever angry at you for that, he was angry at himself.” Bruce explained. “You do that too from time to time….blame yourself for the actions of others.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki gave a soft chuckle when Bruce asked who ever understood why anyone loved them. When the man continued to ask him if he had understood why Tony loved him before he left Loki shook his head. "No, I never did. Not when he had so many other, better choices than I. I was almost sure he might leave me for Fandral or Sif when they showed up." Loki admitted. They had always been the more admired of the group of warriors and Thor. When Bruce proclaimed that he was sure Tony had been angry Loki frowned. He wanted to know why Tony had never voiced his anger at him then? "It was never his fault I left, just my own foolishness. I don't know why I thought leaving was ever a good idea. It was just there after we fought almost suffocating me, consuming my thoughts maybe because I didn't know what else to do." Loki sighed putting his head in his hands again only to look up with another frown when Bruce stated that he like Tony blamed himself for the actions of others. "I do?" Loki questioned.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce smiled when Loki admitted that he hadn’t understood Tony’s love beforehand. If he didn’t understand then, he wouldn’t understand now. When Loki argued with the idea that it had been Tony’s fault and dropped his head to his hands, Bruce gave the god’s back a gentle pat, trying to comfort him a little. Bruce was still of the mindset that it was both their fault in some way, but he didn’t say that out loud. When Loki looked to him, Bruce nodded slightly. “You do.” He said gently. “Not as bad as Tony by any means, but you do. You two punish yourselves more than any other person I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something coming from the guy responsible for the Hulk.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki gave a shuddered breath as bruce patted his back offering some comfort. When bruce confirmed that he like tony punished himself for other's action Loki frowned. He could not recall doing so but he supposed he would not. "When you are the hulk at least you can not be truly held responsible for your actions. Tony and I are aware of our, and yet no one punishes us when we think we do deserve it. Perhaps that is why we seek to punish ourselves." Loki suggested.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“So you think you should punish Tony for you leaving to keep him from punishing himself?” Bruce asked slowly. He didn’t mean it, but he was trying to point out Loki’s logic. “Or perhaps Tony should be arrested and jailed for creating weapons that were misused by others? Or should Fenrir hate you for Odin sending him away when you could do nothing to stop him? Loki that type of guilt, that does nothing for anyone, it has no purpose or reason.” Bruce watched the god, hoping Loki understood what he was saying.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki jerked and moved to face bruce fully when the man suggested that he thought he should punish Tony for his leaving to stop tony from punishing himself. "What?No, that is not what I meant." Loki protested. He shook his head as Bruce continued on with how perhaps tony should be arrested for making weapons others had misused. His head stopped shaking when Bruce spoke of how Fenrir should hate him for Odin having banished him. "I could have stopped that.” Loki murmured looking down as bruce told him that the guilt he and Tony felt about their different actions of the past did nothing for anyone and had no purpose or reason. He could see Bruce's logic for some things but others served to remind him that he should not make a mistake again.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

“Loki…there was nothing you could do. There was nothing Tony could do.” Bruce said firmly. “but do you see the problem here? Do you understand why Tony isn’t angry?” he asked softly. He didn’t know how much he was actually helping, but he was trying. He wanted to help Loki and Tony, and he hoped this would be a step in the right direction.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked doubtful when Bruce told him that there was nothing he could do and nothing that Tony could do. Still he didn't argue with Bruce's tone as firm as it was. "He isn't angry because he blames himself for my leaving..." Loki answered. Saying that Tony should not blame himself and should blame Loki wasn't going to help anything though and he doubted that Tony's stubbornness would let him hear that. The thought made his head hurt and he moved to take another sip of his drink. "small nudges?" Loki questioned after a moment.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Bruce nodded when Loki answered him. That’s exactly what he was saying. When Loki questioned him a moment later, Bruce nodded again. “Small things. Do what he does to you. If he’s comfortable enough to hold your hand or hug you, then he’ll be comfortable enough when you initiate it. If you’re both participating and trying to get closer, then he may be willing to try and do more.” He said softly.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki hummed when Bruce nodded at him, he knew Tony was blaming himself but he wished the man wouldn't. When Bruce confirmed that he needed to do small things only. He didn't know what small things meant until Bruce told him to merely do what Tony had. If Tony was comfortable enough to initiate such contact then Loki could initiate the same contact. "Okay...I think I can do that..." Loki said softly. He ached for more than what he had been given thus far but he would hold himself at Tony's pace. "Thank you."