[$] Not Myself [Avengers rp] (MDaylus)

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony frowned slightly at Loki’s words, sensing how upset he was with this. “Loki…..do we really need to start this argument again? We both have bad pasts, hurt people we shouldn’t have, done things we know were wrong. If you can still love me knowing the evils I’ve been involved with, I will still love you for yours.” He said slowly, shifting to make Loki look him in the eye. Reaching a hand up to cup his cheek, he shook his head. “You are not a monster Loki. Hurt, yes, misguided and confused, sometimes. But you are not a monster.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked to Tony when the man questioned if they really need to go over this again. He took a small breath, he knew that Tony was right of course. They had both killed people, both harmed people who hadn't deserved it or maybe they did. Still he didn't know how Tony would take his admission, his green eyes still unsure as Tony cupped his cheek. "I killed them. Loki admitted looking down to his lap. He regretted it, everything that had to do with his children's deaths. It had all been his fault.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

TTony saw Loki's worry and was honestly concerned about what the man was about to tell him. His words were shocking, but he didn't let that affect him. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. "Alright...." he said, shifting around so he was able to sit and face Loki, he took both of Loki's hands and held them in his lap. "Will you tell me?" He asked gently. "I want to understand what happened." He added. The whole time there was never a sign of fear or anger or rejection, just curiosity and concern. He had a feeling that Loki was deeply hurt by whatever happened. Especially considering how attached the god seemed to his children.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki focused on breathing after he had said what he had done. He sat waiting for Tony to tell him to do something, he most expected him to tell him to leave. Hearing the man say alright had the god looking up confused even more so when the man shifted to sit facing him and took both his hands in his own. "Tell you?" Loki gaped unsure he had heard correctly. The man emphasized it by saying that he wanted to understand and Loki's eyes watered with unshed tears. How had he gotten so lucky, Tony was a man that gave him a chance to explain and not just react to what he had done. "W-where do you want me to start?" he questioned.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony shrugged slightly at the question. “I don’t know the story, so wherever you feel it best to.” He replied. “But usually a good place is with their names.” He added. He wasn’t happy about hearing Loki had killed someone who had apparently been close to him in some way. But the least he could do was let loki have a chance to explain. And whatever he’d done, it was in the past, it wouldn’t affect how he felt about the god. If things like this bothered him, then the fact that Loki had destroyed Jotunheim would have been higher up on his list of problems. “And please don’t be scared to tell me something Lo…..there isn’t much that will bother me….” He added with a small smile. He was guilty of so much wrong in the world, why would he judge Loki?  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Nodding when Tony said that name were a good place to start. "Vali and Narfi, brothers." Loki spoke softly looking back to his lap as he thought of how to tell the story. He knew he would have to explain their father and that hurt especially because he would have to explain just how many people he had lost that were close to him. Looking back to Tony with a heavy breath he nodded once more when the man said that there wasn't much that would bother him. "No one knows who their father is, not even myself." Loki started. "At the time I knew there was a way to find out but it didn't matter to me and I could not bear someone else dying for my sake. Any male that has ever lain with me is dead unless they were on another realm and the Allfather knew nothing or it was acceptable in that realm. Sleepnir's father and Angroboda were both murdered under the orders of the Allfather. Though I had not yet met Angroboda I could not let someone else die." Loki spoke slowly. He knew he was being vague and not coming out and saying just how he had wound up carrying the twins but how was he to tell Tony that he had been attacked without revealing more terrifying secrets by losing control of his emotions.

"They were wonderful boys, they knew Thor and my mother and even Odin doted on them at times. They were perfectly normal in his eyes despite from whom they had been born." Loki continued. "I was teaching them of other realms when it happened. We went to Vanir..." Loki choked. "I do not remember what happened but when I became aware we had been captured the three of us. Both Vali and Narfi were tied across from me, myself bound as well and two Vanir dancing around them. They wanted me to choose between my children. One to be turned into a wolf and the other to die by his brothers hands. I tried to resist, I swear, but they threatened to kill them both. I could not lose both of them, so I chose Narfi. They turned him into a wolf and released him disappearing just after. I tried to get him to attack me instead but their magic only had one purpose and would not be shifted. By the time I got free, Narfi had torn his brother apart. I caged him and went to Vali; he wasn't dead and I had no magic to mend him then, no way to call for help. I was not even sure where we were, I did not understand how Heimdall had not seen this and sent someone to help. I could not let Vali suffer, he was in so much pain." Loki spoke. Sometimes his voice would choke up with tears and other times it would flare in anger. "When Vali was gone I turned to Narfi hoping he would come back to me. Change back into the brilliant child he was. Days I tried, waited but their magic was unchangeable, stuck as a wolf without a mind; a feral beast. As I sat there waiting I realized that even if he did change back he would not handle the death of his brother at his own hands. He would hate me for choosing him over his brother to be the one to survive." Loki continued choking up more and more. "I buried them both where ever we were and nearly myself."  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony listened intently as Loki spoke, not really moving or saying anything, not wanting Loki to get distracted or spooked and stop. The story he told was heartbreaking. And when he saw the pain in Loki’s eyes, it became all the harder to listen to. And to think that anyone would hold this against Loki or would think he would. When Loki finished, Tony simply wrapped his arms around the god and pulled him close. “I am so sorry Loki….” he murmured, voice soft and gentle. “I wish that I had more to offer than an apology.” He added. Rubbing loki’s back, he kissed his hair and neck. “There is nothing for me to be angry or upset about in that, not at you at least, just those monsters that put you in that position.” In all honesty he was slightly hurt to think that Loki would assume such a reaction from him, but that was the least of his concerns right now.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki gasped as Tony pulled him close wrapping his arms around him in an embrace. The tone of Tony's voice had the god blinking in confusion but burying his head against the man's chest all the same. "It is not your fault." Loki spoke conflicted about how extrodinarily well things were going. "They are the reason I no longer visit Vanahiem, I can not stand to go back to that place or find those things..." Loki spat. "Its a crime in Asgard to kill children of royal blood, no matter who does the killing. The punishment is not pleasant and one would wish for death over it. That is the reason I never told anyone about what truly happened to Vali and Narfi. If I could perhaps Fenrir would be spared his exile. Only you and Thor know what happened on Vanahiem, Thor does not know I killed my sons." Loki explained. There was a pleading tone in the god's voice for Tony not to tell anyone of his secret.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony nodded slightly at Loki’s words. When he heard Loki’s tone, he sighed. “And I will not tell anyone, I promise.” He murmured, hand moving to the base of Loki’s neck, he massaged it slightly nuzzling Loki’s hair and getting him to turn so he could meet his eyes again. “Lo….you’ve got to know that this wasn’t your fault though…..It was a horrible, painful situation, but you did everything that you could to try and help them. You are innocent.” He whispered, eyes not leaving Loki’s once. “and whatever you’ve been led to believe is wrong. Anyone in your position would have done the same.” He continued, trying to comfort Loki in some way, even if he didn’t really know how. He wasn’t skilled in this at all, used to being sarcastic and blunt. “And I would never and will never judge you for something like this.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki looked quite relieved when Tony promised that he would not tell anyone and relaxed a bit as Tony massaged the back of his neck. He fought moving for a moment when Tony shifted him so he could look him in the eyes but soon gave up and green eyes met brown. He wanted to believe that it wasn't his fault like Tony said but he knew there was much more he could have changed. If he had been more careful, less trusting. If he hadn't let himself be taken unaware maybe his children would be alive. "I could have fought them off. I could have... I could have done something to keep it from happening. I could have waited longer for Narfi, maybe found some help for Vali." Loki shook his head. "Asgard blamed me, I was their parent it was my duty to protect them even over my own life. Then I could not give them the answers they sought when Thor brought me back." Loki continued burying against Tony once more. There were times where he wished he had died with his sons. That he hadn't walked away from their graves to find some sort of civilization. He had walked for weeks before sub-cumming to weakness and sickness, he still had no idea how Thor had found him and brought him back to Asgard.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony let out a slow breath as Loki refused his words. He knew he would, but he’d had to say them all the same. Allowing Loki to bury his head again, he just held him a little tighter. He wanted to convince loki it was alright, convince him that he wasn’t at fault, help him heal somehow, but he didn’t know how, so he just held him. “I love you Loki…..I always will.” He murmured against his ear, one hand continuing to rub Loki’s back. “I promise, I will make sure you never have to make such a decision again.” He added. Perhaps one day, he’d be able to convince Loki to forgive himself, but for now he would just be satisfied that he confessed to him about it.  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

Loki gave a soft shuddered breath as Tony held him tight once more when he had reburied himself against the man. Hearing Tony say that he loved him and always would made the god anxious. He had been forced to reveal one dark secret but it was certainly not the worst, he wondered how the man would take the rest of his secrets when he was forced to reveal them. "How can you do that?" Loki questioned softly. The promise was a pretty one but he didn't think Tony would be able to follow through with it. Especially if the man died, whether from old age or in battle. "Should I check the room for them now. I wish to go back to sleep." Loki spoke after a few minutes.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony could sense the disbelief in his words, and though it was probably justified, it still hurt to think that he didn’t believe him. “You’d be surprised what I can do when I want to….when I have someone to protect.” He replied simply. It was the only answer he could give. When Loki finally spoke again, he nodded. “Yes…..but I don’t think anyone else is here.” He said slowly. Fandral had been a surprise, but he was without magic. Sif probably wouldn’t be able to get in here without them knowing now. “I’ll have to come up with something to keep them out of the penthouse…..I just don’t want to risk it hurting someone else we actually like.”  

[Alikia Tsuki]

MDaylus

"I believe you. You have done that quite well already." Loki murmured with a soft smile. Tony had indeed protected him quite a bit, dealing with Odin, taking on Fandral perhaps even Sif. He hummed when the man said that he didn't think anyone else was in the room. "I could do some magic when the jammer is off and we have slept some." Loki stated.  

[MDaylus]

Alikia Tsuki

Tony nodded slightly. “That would be nice…..well talk about it more in the morning.” He said softly. Catching Loki’s jaw, he turned his head so he could kiss him sweetly. “Thank you for telling me Loki.” he whispered as he pulled away, meeting his eyes. Pecking his lips once more, he slowly shifted around so he could lay down again, stretching in his spot. It was then that he made a face. “I just realized…..Fandral saw me like this…..” he said, looking down to his marked body. “If I didn’t hate the guy so much, I would be embarrassed.” He said with a half smile.