201 ΡδρζαΓ

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

It was a little embarrassed to admit how badly he'd slept while they were separated. The idea was almost a little pathetic seeing as he was the cause for their separation. He knew that Micha no longer held any malice towards him still he felt he had no right to complain. When the man spoke, he was rather surprised that he would have the same issue. A part of him always believed that Micha couldn't wait to get away from him after that fight. The more they talked about that time apart, the more Samuel realized how wrong he was and how he screwed up. He was indeed lucky to have Micha back in his life. Shifting slightly, he curled into the male. "Did you ever feel like this with any of your other partners?" he asked. He wondered if it was normal to feel this way about another person. Samuel had loved before...at least, he thought he did. But he couldn't recall loving any of those people the way he did with Micha.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Micha saw no need to be embarrassed, he was lying himself bare for Samuel. It had been hard to function after leaving Samuel. He had thought running away was a good idea and yet he suffered for it. Micha had even hurt himself. He was ashamed of such a memory which is why he hadn't told Samuel. Micha didn't want Samuel to blame himself either. He had made it through it.

Speaking toward Samuel, Micha soon watched as Samuel curled closer toward him. He didn't mind as he soon heard Samuel speak again. The question was curious but he knew the answer immediately. "No…" Micha replied as he watched Samuel. "And you?" He asked in return wondering if Samuel had. Micha didn't have many partners he actually spent this much time with. He hadn't had many partners in the past; it was merely sex no emotion.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Samuel was grateful that Micha was being so open with him. He could have easily decided that he didn’t want to talk anymore on the matter and leave it at that. He wondered if he would be willing to tell him anything else about his life while they were apart. As they spoke, Samuel moved to be closer to him. He then questioned him again, curious if this had happened to him before. It was unsurprising to learn that this was a rather new experience for him. He knew that Micha did not have nearly as many partners as Samuel, nor did he date too many of them as long. Realizing the man was still awaiting his answer he shook his head. ”No,” he replied honestly. ”Even in my previous relationships, I know that I did love them. But it was never this intense, like I would miss them when we were apart but eventually I would get over it, do some work, or go do something on my own. Even when we would break up, I don’t recall spending so much time missing them, wondering if they were okay, or where they were.” Samuel didn’t know why he never accepted their break up for what it was. Maybe he was just too stubborn to give up on him, or too stupid to know when he let something so good go. Either way didn’t seem healthy, he worried even now about becoming too obsessed with him again.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Micha didn't mind answering Samuel's questions. He saw no reason not to after all he had promised to work on communication. After all, what good would it do to ignore a simple question. Micha questioned Samuel, watching him as they lay there. He waited as Samuel soon responded. Micha listened as Samuel spoke. His words made him curious and amused. "And what if I hadn't returned, where do you think you'd be?" He asked too, wondering about their attachment to each other. Micha had never spent so much time with any of his previous partners. He also never bothered to learn too much about them either but then again it had always been about sex and nothing more until he met Samuel.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

To be open and honest, they essentially had to be just that. It was no use in talking if they couldn't be comfortable with one another. In answer to Micha's question, he recalled his past relationships and how they simply did not compare to what he had now. It made him wonder if it was normal to be so obsessed with another person like this. He too had never spent as much time with his past lovers. Maybe once or twice they had gone on a vacation together, spent the weekend over at each others' houses. But it was never as before where they were practically glued to the hip, going everywhere together.

The males voice pulled him from his thoughts as he questioned him again. That wasn't too hard to guess. "I'd probably be exactly where you found me. Working hard on a "forget Micha" party cleverly disguised as a week long start of summer bash." he replied honestly. "And from there a long list of guest DJ's, a big fourth of July event, something for labor day, and every weekend after until the holidays hit, when I'd all but be forced to close due to low crowds and family obligations." In an attempt to not sound too pathetic, he tried to keep his tone somewhat light and amused. He didn't want to admit that he really did have a whole schedule planned from now until the end of the year. He'd started working on it when he realized that he needed something in his life that didn't involve pining over his lost love. Since then he'd pretty much kept to that schedule and only continued to add to it. This was the first time in months he'd taken off for actual leisure than because Alaine worried he'd work himself into a stress-induced coma.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Lying there, he watched as Samuel seemed in thought. Micha wondered if such conversations weren't good right now. He didn't want to spoil the mood or upset Samuel. Micha had wanted honesty and seemed to get it as Samuel spoke. He too worried about their attachment. "And what about finding someone new?... Would you just continue life alone?" Micha asked knowing how much of a workaholic Samuel could be come if left unsupervised.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

What they were talking about was tough, this he could not deny, but it was turning into a conversation he felt they both needed to hear. For too long they had allowed some of these tougher issue remain without ever discussing them. Samuel was neither upset nor offended by Micha's line of questioning. If anything, he worried that what he was saying was upsetting Micha. After revealing his overscheduled plan for the next several months, the male followed up with another question. This one again gave him pause before speaking. "I don't know...If we're talking the rest of this year then no, I probably wouldn't be bothered trying to find someone new. But this time next year or the year after...maybe. I don't think I'll ever truly forget you, and it might take a few dates before I would stop comparing you to this figment that managed to catch my attention." Samuel let out a little laugh as he spoke. He couldn't say much about his future dating life, but one thing was certain. Micha would never be forgotten. He wasn't his first love, but he was his deepest. A love like that could never be forgotten even years after it was over.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Upset, no. Micha too knew these questions needed to be answered. He wasn't exactly happy but he knew what he was getting himself into. Micha listened as Samuel answered his hypothetical questions. He watched as Samuel laughed at his own words. Micha didn't understand. He nodded a little not sure if he wanted to know more so he left his questions alone for now.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

There was no telling if what he said would actually play. The only way to know would be to break up again, and frankly he didn't want such a thing to happen just to find out. He went on to describe a few years of supposed bachelorhood before finding someone else, or rather, they found him. The idea in his head was much akin to some cheesy romcom, especially when factoring in his own comparing the two men before letting go and enjoying this new found love. The whole idea was silly. However, he noticed the way Micha merely nodded and seemed a little down. Perhaps he was a little honest with his scenarios. "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." he said gently. "If you want you can tell me all about your hypothetical future, and what an awesome life you'll lead." Samuel gave the man a soft smile as he attempted to cheer him up. He didn't know if it would work, but he didn't want to be shut out again.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • The idea of breaking up again didn't appeal to him either. He wasn't ready for such talks either. It was only the beginning. Micha loved Samuel, otherwise he wouldn't have returned. The idea of Samuel moving on with someone else scared him. He was selfish in such thoughts. By not responding, Samuel had thought him upset. Micha listened as Samuel spoke, apologizing. He however didn't like his next words, those upset him. "Is that what you think would happen if I hadn't returned, that I would have some awesome life?... Samuel I was miserable…Why do you think I quit drinking?" Micha questioned Samuel as he pulled away from him. He felt shame in his words, never wanting to explain himself.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

The idea of breaking up was never appealing, even in a fictional scenario. But whether he would move on or not remained to be seen. Everything he said was a guess as he had no plans of breaking up with Micha. If anything, his plans were quite the opposite and he thought he had made his intentions known. Seeing the male wilt, he apologized and attempted to cheer him up. It only seemed fair that Micha engage him with some well-off lifestyle while living it up in Europe. Instead the assumption only seemed to upset him further as he was promptly corrected. Samuel watched Micha pull away, closing him off once more. His words felt as though he had been struck. He hadn't meant harm and yet he'd caused it. "I'm sorry." he said, his voice so low he wasn't even sure it was heard. Sitting up, Samuel reached towards the nightstand for the pack of cigarettes. He was quiet as he slipped the tip between his lips and flicked his lighter, breathing deeply as it lit.

Samuel took another drag before sighing heavily. "I did, actually." he admitted. "I wanted so badly to believe that you were doing better. A better life, a better boyfriend...I wanted you to be happy. Because you of all people deserved it." Samuel grew quiet again for a moment, inhaling deeply to calm himself. Releasing the smoke slowly, he turned back to the male, thinking about his words. "I don't know why you quit drinking. You didn't say and I didn't ask...so why? What happened to make you stop?" he asked, wanting more than ever to know. What happened to him while they were apart. He felt as though now he needed to know.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Leading a new life or better life was something he didn't want. Micha hardly thought himself deserving of either such things. He saw Samuel more deserving, as he had much more to live for. Micha was no one and Samuel was so much more. He didn't blame Samuel for how their conversation was going. It was his own fault, he had asked what he needed to hear only to regret it.

Lying there, he heard Samuel apologize. Micha watched as Samuel shifted beside him. He remained lying there while he watched Samuel sit up. Micha was curious but didn't question him. He soon watched as Samuel dug through his dresser and found his pack of cigarettes. Micha was patient for now as he lay there. Even as he had questioned Samuel he regretted spouting out words he did not mean to discuss.

He waited watching as smoke billowed between them from Samuel's cigarette. Micha listened as Samuel soon spoke. He was patient yet found his words annoying. Micha deserved nothing, not even pity. He lay there as Samuel finally questioned him. Micha shifted in the bed as he sat up, the blankets falling down around him. "What do you think happened Samuel, I was already a terrible alcoholic, however leaving and going to Germany…I found the first pub and allowed myself to drown in it and the next ones until I drowned in them for a few weeks until I finally hit bottom and ended up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning." He responded feeling ashamed of himself. Micha had hurt himself intentionally and ended up nearly in a coma.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

However Micha has been living all this time was quite the mystery to him. He knew that he had left the city and been living in Germany. But his actual day to day life, he couldn’t say. Micha had not given him enough to go on to know how he was doing, if his life was good or bad. Samuel was neither mad nor upset with the way their conversation was going. But he could tell that Micha was and he didn’t understand why. As the male questioned him, he mulled the question over curiously and moved to get his cigarettes.

When he did speak, he meant it, every word. He hated how they had left things and wanted nothing but the best for Micha. Even at his lowest he told himself that Micha had to be doing better than him. Because him doing better was the only thing that made sense for everything that had happened to them. Not just because of their break-up, but everything else they had experienced as well. After expressing that very sentiment, he turned to ask about his drinking. This was another thing Micha had failed to tell him. Granted he had not asked, so that ws his own fault. Samuel watched the male sit up and listened to Micha correct him in his assumptions. He knew that Micha had struggled with alcohol and would often abuse it when they fought. He never imagined that Micha would abuse it to the point of hospitalization.

Samuel was quiet for a moment. He didn’t know what to say, what he could say that wouldn’t upset him further. He felt as though he was only making matters worse. Lifting his hand, he took another drag. He felt as though a stone had dropped to the pit of his stomach and was weighing him down. This wasn’t the first time Micha had hurt himself. He wanted to believe that he was past that thought, that he was stronger. Blowing out the smoke, he grabbed his ashtray from the nightstand. ”How long have you been sober?” he asked. It seemed like the safest question as he was sure anything else he said would just make him more upset.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Micha wasn't upset at Samuel. Far from it, he merely didn't enjoy lying his thoughts and emotions out for all to see. He much preferred to bottle everything up and never talk about it. With Samuel, he couldn't hide himself and knew eventually he'd have to explain himself. Micha though didn't want to hurt Samuel and make him feel guilty for his poor choices.

Indeed it wasn't the first time he had harmed himself, unlike Samuel he hadn't moved on and drowned himself in his work. Micha had gone into a depressive spiral for a few months. He hadn't moved on realizing he had given up the best thing in his life over a mistake.

Finally admitting the truth, he felt the silence settle between them. Micha wondered if he should have kept his mouth shut. He watched from the corner of his eyes to see Samuel taking a few drags from his cigarette. Micha didn't want to rush Samuel but the silence scared him. He remained where he was knowing he could simply avoid the conversation by leaving. It was a few more minutes before he heard Samuel question him. The question was reasonable after all who was counting but him. "About eight months…" He replied with his head still down and eyes avoiding looking at Samuel. Micha had drawn his legs up and closer to his body as he sat there.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

He would have to forgive him for thinking him to be upset at him. He didn’t exactly seemed pleased to be telling him all this, and he couldn’t say that he would blame him for being angry at him. He was prying into matters that didn’t concern him. Samuel allowed the male to talk and let the information sink in a few minutes. He knew he wasn’t helping matters by sitting quietly and smoking. But it was the only way he knew how to not make a complete a** of himself. He remembered the times before when Micha would hurt himself or find him completely hung over after a fight. Back then he’d been concerned but had never pried as he thought that Micha had a handle on it. Clearly he was mistaken.

Samuel wouldn’t exactly call his way of living a way to move on. More like it was his way of finding distractions, something to keep him so busy that he wouldn’t have time to wallow. When they first broke up, he was devastated. Everything hurt and he wanted nothing to do with anyone. He felt no joy, no love, all of that had been taken from him the night Micha left him. It was only when he started talking to someone and put that energy into a project that he made any real kind of progress. Sure he was still miserable, but he was miserable with a purpose.

He didn’t regret the male telling him everything. It was something that needed to be said. When he did speak, it was with genuine curiosity and the concern for Micha’s own wellbeing. Pulling his ashtray closer he tapped the tip to the side of the dish. He soon heard the man speak and was surprised the incident had happened so quickly after their break-up. Again, he was unsure what was the right thing to say. He knew he needed to say something. ”What happened after that?” he asked, no longer able to hold back his curiosity. If Micha was willing to tell him this much, he wanted to know what else he’d been up to since that happened.