201 ΡδρζαΓ

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Micha barely had a handle on his life so his drinking problem was no better. He hid most of his drinking from Samuel or at least he tried. Micha though after leaving Samuel had gone on binge drinking. He hadn't been in a good spot before they separated afterwards was no better. Micha though didn't blame Samuel, internally he was still dealing with his problems from his attack.

Lying himself bare, he wasn't too sure Samuel wanted to hear it. If Samuel didn't want to talk about it, he wouldn't be offended after all such conversations weren't pretty. He could see Samuel still smoking, taking it all in. Micha heard him speak, questioning him. He didn't think Samuel would like his answer but he gave it anyway. "While I was in the hospital, they called Grisha who flew to Germany as he was the only new contact in my phone I replaced…. He came to stay with me for a couple weeks while I went through detox…it was that or go into rehab…" Micha replied as he ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't help but feel like a failure before. Micha though had allowed himself to overcome his drinking habits though even now he sometimes wanted a drink but knew he couldn't.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Samuel knew that Micha had his demons, but to what extent he never knew. So rarely did they talk openly with one another. Every time they did, it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room and it was hard to communicate properly without making the other angry or upset. He could tell that this was a difficult subject for Micha to discuss, so he was careful in what he was saying. He really was trying to understand what life had been like for Micha and where things had gone wrong. In all his imagining of Micha's life, his mind had never allowed him to go to such a dark place as the reality they discussed. Even with things as bad as they were before separating. When Micha had walked out, he seemed so sure of himself. Perhaps that was why he only thought about him going out into the world and coming out on top. Because anything less just didn't sound like the Micha he knew.

After listening to the male speak, he found himself wanting to know more. Clearly he had survived that dreadful night, but he still didn't have the full story of how things went from there. As gently as he could, he asked him to continue. He finished smoking his cigarette while Micha once again laid himself bare for all the world to see. It hurt to know that MIcha had replaced his phone, but he tried his best not to linger on that part of the story. Instead, he listened to him recall how his friend came to meet him and stayed while he recovered. When he was finished, was surprised to find himself still curious and wanting to know more. Stubbing out the butt of his cigarette, Samuel reached for another one from the pack. He repeated the process of slipping it between his lips and lighting it. Before placing the pack back on his nightstand, he held it out in offering towards Micha. "Grisha, you've talked about him before. He was the guy in your room the other morning." he said, simply. It wasn't a question or assumption of anything, just a simple statement as he recalled the large, long haired man that tried to deter him from seeing Micha. "How come you chose to stay with him? Wouldn't a facility have been safer for detoxing?" he continued, trying hard to keep his thoughts organized as he vocalized them one by one.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Micha hid a lot from Samuel, just as he knew he did the same. They still hadn't talked about Samuel's panic attack that resulted in them stopping in the middle of sex the other day. He didn't question it but knew Samuel already was prone to anxiety. Micha pretended to have everything together as he always had. He had allowed himself to not rely on others too much even with Grisha he kept him at a distance.

Keeping his s**t together was only an illusion. Having to replace his phone had only been due to him smashing it into pieces before he had gone to see Samuel in France last year. After his admission of cheating, Micha had broken his phone, it was that or smash the wall with his fist.

As he sat there, he glanced to see Samuel stub his cigarette and pull out another lighting it. Micha shook his head as Samuel offered him the pack. He didn't think nicotine was going to help him right now. Micha was barely holding it together as Samuel spoke. He nodded knowing it wasn't exactly a question as Samuel had met Grisha. Micha waited as Samuel questioned him, not surprised. He shook his head, "Because I don't want to have to explain myself to someone, especially not some shrink…" Micha replied as he was starting to become irritable. He was trying to remain calm after all he had wanted to talk to Samuel about it but he was growing annoyed with himself.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Indeed, he had his secrets, but he also shared them. He didn't keep everything hidden away as he used to. He knew that there were still many things they needed to discuss and he would get to them in time. Right now he worried for Micha. He hated that he had kept so much hidden away from him all this time. Samuel was trying his best to understand and say the right thing without causing more issues between them. Even so he wasn't sure he was exactly doing a great job with just that.

As he finished off his cigarette, he started with a new one and held the pack out in offering. When Micha refused, he set the pack on the bed between them and continued with his line of questioning. His words were not ones he was unfamiliar with. He, himself, used to think similar things before seeking out professional help. With the amount of trauma Micha had been through, he seemed like a great candidate for talk therapy. He didn't understand his objection to it and wasn't sure he would answer if asked. Blowing out a billow of smoke, Samuel moved back to sit at the head of the bed. He leaned against the headboard in thought. He didn't know what else to say do. It seemed like he was only making things worse. He was quiet for another few minutes, watching the tobacco burn as he held the stick in his hand.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Micha wasn't a perfect person especially under Samuel's delusions. He knew Samuel wasn't perfect either at least from the things he allowed him to see. Micha wasn't bothered by Samuel wanting to know more. He didn't want to keep secrets from him. However he wasn't going to see a therapist. Micha hardly enjoyed doctors but he wasn't about to get all emotional with some stranger. He didn't understand how Samuel could either.

Silence settled around him making him self conscious. Micha watched as Samuel shifted and leaned back against the headboard while he continued to smoke. He didn't like silence; it always seemed bad. Micha shifted in the bed as he pulled the blankets back. He moved to get out of the bed to stand. His hips still hurt but he couldn't just sit here in silence. Micha made his way toward the bathroom carefully. He flipped on the lights as he made his way toward the shower. Micha reached in and turned on the water. He made his way toward the closet and pulled out a clean towel and washcloth.

While the water heated up, Micha took care of a few bathroom needs then washed his hands. He returned back to the shower and slipped in with wash cloth in hand. Micha figured a shower would do him good then maybe he'd get an Uber back to his hotel. He was feeling miserable now though it wasn't Samuel's fault. Standing beneath the hot water, he tried to drown his thoughts.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

By no means was Samuel perfect, and he knew that Micha wasn't either. In no way did he ever indicate that he wanted him to be either. At least, he didn't think he did, if so it wasn't intentional. Samuel wanted them to have a good and honest relationship with one another. But that couldn't be done if he felt as though he were walking on eggshells every time they had a serious conversation. He didn't understand why Micha wouldn't talk to someone. He knew the idea of baring his soul to a perfect stranger could be a bit daunting at first. In his own experience, he found that once he started opening up to that stranger it got easier. He could just sit there and complain without any judgement if he wanted, choosing whether or not he wanted to hear the feedback that was offered. Samuel didn't just come to love therapy overnight. It had been months of work, choosing whether or not he wanted to continue feeling like he was drowning or get some help. Very easily he could have done what Micha did, if not something worse.

Leaning against the headboard, Samuel didn't know what else to say. The one question standing out in his mind, he was too afraid to ask. He didn't want to know the answer. He sat quietly a few minutes longer, watching the smoke rise and swirl between his fingers. He soon felt a shift in the bed as Micha rose from the bed and went into the bathroom. He thought to follow him, but didn't think the attention was wanted right this moment. Samuel sighed heavily as the door was shut, rendering their conversation to be over.

Stubbing out his cigarette, Samuel listened to the sounds of running water as the shower was turned on. He hated this gross, heavy feeling that weighed on them both. It made him wonder what would happen now. He didn't want Micha to go, but he couldn't force him to stay either. Perhaps it was for the best. A little alone time while they wrapped their heads around this conversation and they assess things as needed when they were both feeling better. While the man bathed, he contemplated going in to work later tonight. Work had always been a good distraction when he needed time to think. It wasn't as though he didn't have things that could be done anyway. Nodding to himself, it seemed like a good plan. Let Micha go do his thing, he would go to work, and they could talk again once their minds were clear. As anxiety clawed at the edges of his being, Samuel grabbed at the pack and pulled out a third cigarette while he waited for the man to return.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Shutting out Samuel wasn't intentional. He merely thought he didn't want to talk to him anymore. Micha stood beneath the water until it cooled. He reached for soap as he poured some onto his washcloth. Micha stepped away from the spray of water as he washed himself off.

After the water ran cold, he finally turned it off. Micha opened the shower and reached for his towel. He went about drying off as he took his time. Micha tucked the towel around his waist as he opened the bathroom door. He exited the bathroom to see Samuel was still on the bed. Micha needed clothes but he kept his head down unsure of what Samuel was thinking.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Whatever was going through Micha's head, he was sure it wasn't intentional. Just as it wasn't intentional for him to come off as cold and angry with him. It was fear and worry that gripped him from saying anything more. He didn't stop Micha when he left the room, assuming he needed his time alone. Samuel sat in bed smoking while listening to the sound of running water in the bathroom. He couldn't help worrying what was going to happen when the male came out.

The minutes passed slowly as Micha took his time bathing. By the time he did emerge, Samuel sat a little straightened and watched him curiously. He noted the way the male hung his head as he came back into the room. He didn't mind if Micha wanted to borrow more of his clothes. After all, it wasn't as though they weren't going to see each other again. He believed Micha when he had promised to stay with him. They just needed a little time and everything would be back to normal.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Being ignored, Micha gave into the inevitable. He didn't know what Samuel was thinking after all he had closed himself off. Micha could see that they were done talking and the day was ruined. He should have kept his mouth shut, maybe then he wouldn't feel so inadequate.

Seeing as Samuel wasn't going to talk to him, Micha gathered up the dirty clothes off the ground he arrived in. His phone and wallet were still in his pockets. He stripped off his towel in the hamper and went about getting dressed. Micha let the situation be what it was. He gave Samuel his space. Micha didn't even bother with a goodbye as he left the bedroom to head downstairs to the front door where his shoes were.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

Watching the male, ignoring him was not intentional. In times like this he didn't know what to say or do to make the situation better. He didn't hate Micha or think poorly of him for his choices. He was just a little sad that he felt he couldn't tell him about it. He wished he knew what to do to make things better, but the only thing that came to mind was the one thing that Micha wanted no part of. He finished off his third cigarette of the hour, hoping that the man would come back to bed. They didn't have to talk, they could get some lunch or go laze about in the library.

He felt a twinge of hurt in his chest as Micha silently went about gathering his things and getting dressed in his own clothes. So he was going back after all, just like that. As the male left the room, he pushed back the sheets and followed after him. He wouldn't stop him from leaving if that was what he truly wished. Making his way down to the foyer, Samuel stepped over to the panel on the wall. He glanced towards the male before putting in the code and picking up his keys. He thought about just leaving the door locked so that Micha couldn't leave. But what good would come of it. Samuel took his sweet time unlocking the front door and held it open for the man. Hopefully his unwillingness to do even that simple of a task was proof enough he didn't want Micha to leave. He kept telling himself this wouldn't be the last time, it was just a little hiccup.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • With Samuel not talking to him, it was becoming awkward. Micha just figured they needed space. He hadn't been back long and already they were hitting a rock. Micha didn't know what to say or do to make it better either. He figured leaving was his best option.

Leaving the bedroom, he felt Samuel follow after him. Micha hadn't understood why until it dawned on him. The alarm. Reaching the door, he went about putting on his shoes. He then stood waiting as Samuel unlocked the door and unarmed the system so he could leave. Micha hardly noticed the time it took before Samuel opened the door and held it open. He stepped out of the house. Micha wasn't sure if Samuel would talk to him after all he seemed just as intent as he was to leave. He started down the steps heading toward the gates.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

He thought about being that a*****e, the one that wouldn't unlock the door or disable the alarm. But what good would it bring them? Their conversations had hit quite a few ups and downs already with this one giving them pause. Perhaps it was best to break for now and regroup later. As he followed the male downstairs, Samuel took his time while Micha went about putting on his shoes. He leaned against the door, not wanting him to go. He watched as Micha stepped past the threshold and out onto the porch. He started to reach out in that same annoying way that Micha claimed to love, but stopped short. Dropping his hand into his pocket he continued to watch him cut through the yard and make his way towards the gates. "Be safe." he said softly.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Stepping off the porch, Micha wouldn't have left if Samuel had made the effort to reach out toward him. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself against Samuel and know everything was alright between them. However, he wasn't so sure now. Micha started toward the gates. It didn't take long to reach them. He exited Samuel's property as he started down the road.

After an almost two hour ride on the back of an Uber, Micha arrived at his hotel. He thanked his driver as he got out and made his way into the hotel. Micha knew his body would scream at him but he opted for the stairs instead of the elevator. He arrived at the third floor and made his way toward his room. Micha pulled his wallet from his pocket and fished out his room key. He opened his door and entered, not bothering to turn on the lights.

Shutting the door behind him, Micha kicked off his shoes. He didn't bother with removing his clothes as he made his way toward the bed. Micha pulled his phone from his pocket and put it and his wallet on the table beside the bed. He climbed in the bed as he pulled the blankets over him as he lay down. Micha pulled the blankets over him as he curled beneath them. He could feel his anxiety climbing as his eyes stung burning from the silent tears that threatened to fall.

 

[Pure Acid Dreamer]

He wanted nothing more than to pull Micha back inside and convince him to stay. Instead he allowed him to leave, watching sadly as Micha made his way across the yard and down the driveway. It wasn’t long before Micha reached the gate and was beyond his line of sight. Samuel stood there a few minutes longer, hoping that Micha would change his mind and come back. When he was sure that he was gone, he quietly came back inside and locked the door.

Samuel made way back upstairs and flopped onto his bed. He grabbed a pillow, pulled it close, and groaned into it. He didn’t know when or where he was going to see Micha again, but hopefully it wouldn’t be too long. For now he would give him his space. Clinging to the pillow, Samuel laid there, staring blankly at the headboard, their conversation running through his mind over and over again on a loop. He contemplated the ways he could have handled this better and what he could have said differently.

The hours went by and at some point he must have fallen asleep as his room had darkened from when he last remembered. Sitting up, he looked at his clock and found it had been nearly five hours since Micha had left. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. He missed Micha already and wished he were here. He didn’t want to bother him if he wasn’t ready to talk just yet. Pushing himself out of bed and in need of something to do, Samuel started to dress for work. He picked a grey suit with a light blue shirt, opting for something more casual than his usual three piece look. When he was finished dressing he walked into the bathroom to run a comb through his hair and brush his teeth. After that, he grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet and handed downstairs.

 

[xDarkWinterx]

⋮ ۩ ) • • • Darkness was upon him as he woke hours later. He lay curled in a fetal position, having fallen asleep like that. Micha uncurled as he rolled over. His body aches from the odd position. He looked around to see the time, it was still early in the evening but late. Micha lay there as everything in the last few hours previously ran through his head. He sighed as he pulled back the blankets and moved to stand. His head began to pound as a migraine started.

Dragging himself from the bed, Micha started toward the bathroom. He entered the bathroom, flipping on the light switch. Micha entered, taking a look at himself. He could see his face was tear streaked. Micha reached down and turned on the water in the sink. He leaned down cupping water to scrub his face. Micha splashed his face and washed it off. He turned off the water, reached for the towel and dried off his face.

Leaving the bathroom, Micha turned off the light. He was once again in darkness. Micha moved to turn on the light in the room. He pulled his phone and wallet from his pocket, setting them aside. Micha went about removing his dirty clothes and set them aside by his suitcase. He dug inside it as he pulled out a clean pair of boxers then put them on. Micha had no intention of leaving his hotel room. He returned back to the bed as he grabbed his phone. Micha checked to see if he had any messages but there wasn't any. He wasn't surprised though he was a little saddened. Micha didn't know where things were between Samuel and him.