AFG Sallies

[Shaviv]

FogSage

*snarls* What I really hate about religion is that everyone who believes in it takes everything at face value. There can be no compromise with them, and that is why I despise religion. It enslaves and brainwashes those who dedicate themselves to it. For shame, people, have a brain about you! Think independently, don't listen to what Preacher Bob has to say about homosexuality! *sighs and stalks off* stressed

Oi, that's just one brand of one religion.

There's more to religion than faith, too. There's community. You can be a total atheist and think the religion is hogwash and still be part of the community, up to and including attending services. Hey, I do it. And any services that involve singing, well, I can go for that too. I love singing. I do it pretty well for an amateur.

Religion is not all about judgement of others. There's holy days - a great excuse to attend services, or mill around with people and meet with them, or even dispute theological issues with your friendly local clergyman. There's community support - if someone is having trouble making ends meet, you can say "Ah, here is a fellow whateverist, I can invite him over for dinner", and if you do this and cultivate friendships and relationships this way, if and when you ever have similar troubles you may get invited out, or have shoulders to lean on, or whatever. Being a member of the community helped me find odd-job work like light demolition or construction, pet-sitting or house-sitting, which meant I had a reasonably ready supply of pocket money.

As for ideology, well, we do have a new and fresh rabbi who rails against attempts to rewrite canon law and stuff, but he knows as well as everyone that we have a fair number of gay or lesbian members of the congregation, some who are in active relationships, some who in fact got divorced from husbands or wives in order to pursue relationships they felt were healthier. You know? It's a tolerant community. Is that maybe because we're so close to a university, a local tech business hub, and New York City (about 45 min away)? Probably. Is the community slowly becoming less tolerant with an influx of haredim, who are to us like fire-and-brimstome Baptists are to Episcopalians? Probably. But it's not that bad, and I'm pleased to live here, as a bisexual furry atheist doing animal research in neuroethology as a college student. This is a community where not going to college and studying real subjects is considered a disgrace.

I don't think this kind of community is restricted to Orthodox Jews.  

[DeletedUsername420]

Gonna be a couple posts here, this first one is more background info.


I was adopted as a baby by my grandmother because my birth mother was a drug addict and lost custody of me.

My grandmother (born in '26) was born on an Iowa farm and moved to Cali in the 60's. She had 4 children, none of which are around anymore. The one died of cancer, one was killed by a drunk driver, both in their 20's. The other two, one became a drug addict and the other got messed up and we haven't seen her for ages. So she lost all her children when they were pretty young, so I'm like all she had left, and she wanted to make sure I grew up right.

She had married this guy, too young, but it wasn't until they had kids that she figured out he was a loser, and didn't feel she could get a divorce until they kids were grown up. Anyways, she divorced him like a year before I was born, and then shortly after I was born, he had a partially paralyzing stroke. She wanted to adopt me, but she didn't have the money to do something like that (at this point they were both on SS), so she let him live with us again, they'd pool funds and shed take care of him in his disabled condition, etc.

So I was like, all she had left, she used to go on about how "all she ever wanted was a family". She was a perfectly good parent back when she had the 4 kids, nothing that happened to them was her fault, but she ended up blaming herself for what had happened, and decided to make sure I would turn out perfect.

Thing is, shes a fundamentalist Christian conservative, pretty far out, believing in psychic healing, government conspiracies, used to be a member of the John Birch Society. S

She decided to homeschool me so I wouldn't be "brainwashed" by the "socialist" educational system. I have nothing against homeschooling, if done properly, but it has potential for abuse. I grew up parroting my grandmothers extreme religious and political views. I wasn't allowed to have any friends, because I might be "corrupted' as she put it. No TV, which wasn't that bad a thing, I love to read books. God forbid if I would be exposed to other opinions and viewpoints! She felt she was doing the right thing, which is sad.

Anyway, amongst all of this, she was singlehandedly remodeling our house, they were in the middle of remodeling it when grandfather had his stroke, and we couldn't afford to have it done, so she did it all....we're talking painting, pouring cement, electrical, plumbing, everything. She had experience of course, they had built 3 houses back in Iowa before coming here. We wern't able to do stuff, because of the house, there wasn't a whole lot of bonding stuff as I got older.

I've always been messed up, I've always had ADHD and always been so damned emotionally sensitive. My grandmother thought ADHD was a bunch of baloney so they government could get us all on drugs and brainwash us, so I never got any med for it. If anybody had ADHD it was me, only I didn't know it at the time, although everybody was saying it. I pretty much drove my grandmother crazy, even though I tried not to, I just couldn't help it. She always just figured I was either a hopeless case or deliberatly trying to be a bad kid, and so she was always getting on me for it, and I couldn't help it and stuff, and sigh, I dunno. Anyway, and then she never got along good with my grandfather, they were always bitching at each other, although most of it was his fault, and anyway, I dunno I just never felt like I had somebody to hold on to or whatever.

Anyway, until about 4 years ago, I was a walking talking doppelganger of my grandmother.....I pretty much believed anybody who wasn't a Christian was evil, and that the government was trying to turn us all into communist athiests or whatever, messed up.

About 5 years ago I started bugginh my grandmother to let me get internet access, I had a helluva time, because all she ever heard was her radical radio programs going on about the horrors of porn on the internet and everything.

My grandmother is annoying, she believed that unless youre dedicating your life to religion or politics you're somehow missing the whole point of life (I gotta tell her Im gonna be advocating for Wicca to be integrated into the Republican platform haha), she never approved of movies, fiction, computer games, just about anything that was for entertainments sake only. Rock music was evil (even elvis omg).

Anyway...the internet was the best thing that ever happened to me. Up until that point I only knew one viewpoint...my grandmothers fundamentalist Christian radical conservative viewpoint. If you can believe it, I didn't know the F word, I used to throw books out because they had "sh*t" in them...the horror!....

For about 3 years I suppose I just was absorbing info, I didn't really have an opinion on anything...when everything you've ever beleived in is suddently shattered, it takes a long time.

This last year has been one helluva ride. Earlier this year, beliefs and opinions started falling in place, I started realizing what my true beliefs were on things like politics, religion, the world....and my sexuality, I had never felt like a obvious attraction to any particular gender (maybe because I never had any other people my age around, ya think?), and then I had all these conflicts with my religious upbrigning. This conservative religious stuff was so deeply ingrained in me, yet everything I was now believing so strongly in conflicted so heavily with it all, it was pretty much tearing me apart. I felt I couldn't not be a Christian, yet being a Christian meant giving up my beliefs, and I dont know how to explain it. I was basically considering just giving up at a point there.

Somehow though, I made it through, and pretty much became an agnostic. I don't believe in God anymore, at least not the Christian interpretation, and I have a pretty strong worldview based on rational thinking.

It was a rather good thing actually, because until I got to that point, It didn't really hit me just how radical my grandmother was, and I was so depressed I didn't care. Once I got over that, I instead because resentful and angry about it, and realized it wasn't healthy to do what I had been doing, which was just going with the flow, pretending to agree with her on everything so as not to cause any conflict. Trying to keep those two conflicting personalities going made it so I didnt really believe in anything myself.

Anyway, my grandmother and I have not been getting along since then. We weren;t getting along that great before, now were driving each other ******** insane. I'm no longer making an effort to agree with her and her radical views, I just ignore and be nocmmittal when necessry.She doesnt know the half of it, but she knows enough to know that I at least am not a Christian, and that is enough to make her think that I am somehow messed up and a lesser person or whatever. If she knew everything, shed probably kick me out and consider me a failure, and I still love her, I can't do something like that to her.



Next post will be more about recent stuff. I dont know if anything I wrote up above makes sense. Im just typing it as I think it, and Im not thinking all that coherently lately.  

[Nekoyaki]

I don't know what to do.

My muse is dead. My finals are practically over, but.. I can't draw. I can't think of anything. All that's cocming out is scribbles. It's like that watery stuff you get out of the ketchup bottle sometimes.. worth absolutely nothing, really irritating, and all you get is a soggy hot dog. ;_; I just.. I even tried doing a portrait of me, and it flopped. It just didn't work! I feel all dried up inside.. I can't even make a two second animation anymore. I can't even do something like yumshark... (which is drivel, lol..)

The muse is dead. I need a phoenix down for christmas..

..*thought making that joke would make me feel better, but it didn't. ;_;*  

[DeletedUsername420]

continuation of last post

So, last year I was actually going to get to go to college. There was so much stuff to do at home that it kept getting delayed, plus my grandmother thinks going to college is a big waste of money anyway, because you just get indoctrinated by evil liberal professors and have sex xp Anyway. I was gonna go to the local community college because its close and Id still have time to help around the house and stuff. I also needed a lot of brushup work, being homeschooled and having ADHD, I'm shitty on everything. Actually went for a couple days, and then my grandfather broke his hip and had to have a hip replacement, and I had to drop out so I could help him for several months, my grandmother couldn't do it herself.

Can't get a job, I've been wanting to get one down at the local Trader Joes, but theres so much s**t going on at home that its always too busy. Its always, as soon as we get this done, and then its as soon as we get that done, blah blah. Its not that I dont have time, Id have time to do the needed stuff after work or whatever, but she doesnt see it that way. Hell, Itd help with our money issues, were so short on money what with medical bills, unexpected s**t, and just having enough money to get by anyway, getting a job would seem like a good idea. Also, I can't ******** wait to be able to get out of the damn house and make friends and have my own life. So, anyway, she says maybe I can get one this spring, after we finish some stuff. This is seriously the last time, once we get done the stuff that needs to be done, I'm getting that job come hell or high water.

Shes always going off on radical poltical or religious rants, which annoy the hell out of me....Stuff like "AIDS is gods judgement on gay people", and"we should just drop a nuke on the middle east and turn it into a parking lot".

And shes always being annoying about my computer use, she blames it for the reason, in her view, that Im not a nice person anymore, blah blah blah. Cant understand it, so she bashes it. And Im a perfectly nice up standing person, for gods sake, I just choose not to believe your religio and politics!

As if its not enough that were both going insane here, everythings been going wrong.

My two half-sisters came by the sunday after Thanksgiving. Some background. Stepsister 1 is on good terms with my grandmother, to the extent that she calls like every morning and talks for an hour, theyre groovy. Shes a basically good person I guess, but she has a pretty depressing and screwed up life that shes always going on every detail about, she is a single parent and cant keep a job for more than a few months at a time and is always having catastrophies happen to her. Im sick unto death of hearing every little thing thats going on. Plus shes one of those mile-a-minute super-hyperactive types.

Stepsister 2 got into a argument about 6 years ago about how my grandmother was raising me, said I should be exposed to more that one point of view, I needed to be socialized, that I seriously needed some meds for my ADHD (I didnt realize I had it then, but I do now, if anybody has ADHD, its me), etc. My grandmother was like, "dont tell me how to raise my kids, when you have kids you can raise them any way you like.

So, they come over, and I do some chitchat with SS1, but, since Ive heard every damn thing thats ever ******** happened in her life up to that morning, there wasnt much to talk about, and at least we see her every few months. We only see SS2 about once a year at Christmas, and sometimes not even then, and even though she and my grandmother are very terse to each other, I like her, especially now when I see how she was right in so many things, and really dont enjoy talking to SS1. So, anyway, we spend a good amount of time talking about skiing and environmental economics, and really get along good, which is great.

So anyway, then the next morning, my grandmother is like, "you hardly talked to SS1, you were talking to SS2 most of the time, it seems like you only want to talk to people who have never done a thing for you, I dont see why you have to be so tight with her". So Im like (I didnt say this but its what I felt), that Just because you two dont ******** get along I dont see why I can't, and blah blah blah. So Im pissed over that.


Also lately shes been driving me nuts by making random comments about how somebody must be playing games with her because we're suddenly getting advertisements from the ACLU and the Sierra Club, etc, orginations she thinks are evil and stuff. Sigh. And she watches the bushes around the fences and whenever she sees a broken branch or whatever shes convinced somebody is breaking into our yard. Mind you, shes not this paranoid all the time, but its enough to drive me nuts more than usual.


Then, Im sleeping dowstairs, originally, because my grandfather was having problems and I needed to be down there in case he needed help in the night, but that was only a couple days at the beginning of last week, and now theres no reason for me to be down there, but she still wont let me come back upstairs, and I hate sleeping down there, plus I'm away from my computer. I know its because she wants me out of the way for a while, but I just wish she'd ******** say so.



Oh, and then what has really pissed me off lately, is I've been DYING TO GO SKIING. Its my one passion in life, and I go each year with the retired neighbor who takes me up to Sugar Bowl. But I gotta convince my grandmother, because she thinks its not something I should be getting into, because its just "play". Well, , if I could get a job, or go to college, Id do that, but I cant.

Its "too expensive we need the money for other stuff", well, its only $50 like 5 times a season or so, like $250, its not that much, and maybe if I had a job we wouldnt be so ******** short on money. Besides, the neighbor who takes me has said he would pay for it and all, he goes all the time, and he undestands our situation, and he would pay so thats not an issue except she doesnt approve of that sort of thing.

Ill get to go and all, but itll be like torture getting approval and s**t. Ive been waiting all year for this , and its only a few moreweeks and itll be time to start hitting the slopes. I should be able to get a day out of the house spending a little money doing something that I love. *grumble*

And then shes always bugging me about how I dont have any direction in life or know what I want to do with my life. Well, I DONT SUPPOSE THAT WOULD HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT IM NOT OUT HAVING A LIFE, YA THINK?

Gah. All I want to do is get out, have friends, which i have none now, or ever had, a job, and have a damn life. Im gonna be 20 next June, Im not gonna turn 20 and not have a life.

 

[DeletedUsername420]

And its not like shes a bad person or anything, shes a really nice person, with her heart in the right place. Im afraid all our differences will cause irreperable harm to out bond, unless I get out.

I've also been feeling like crap lately, migraines and mood swings and anxiety attacks, plus im depressed. Its a messed up holiday season for me. stare  

[Manda_Tifa]

Nekoyaki

I don't know what to do.

My muse is dead. My finals are practically over, but.. I can't draw. I can't think of anything. All that's cocming out is scribbles. It's like that watery stuff you get out of the ketchup bottle sometimes.. worth absolutely nothing, really irritating, and all you get is a soggy hot dog. ;_; I just.. I even tried doing a portrait of me, and it flopped. It just didn't work! I feel all dried up inside.. I can't even make a two second animation anymore. I can't even do something like yumshark... (which is drivel, lol..)

The muse is dead. I need a phoenix down for christmas..

..*thought making that joke would make me feel better, but it didn't. ;_;*

Just give yourself some time...don't even think about art.....Eventually, one day, you'll look at something that will give you the inspiration you need to pick up the pencil again. You've just been sapped dry, that's all. Wait til spring for more sap! heart  

[Nekoyaki]

Manda: But by spring, the next semester will have started.. D: Oh god, I'm NOT looking forward to that..

Feline: *hugs* families are complicated. And I get migraines, too, when I'm stressed. I usually find a hot bath in the dark with an ice pack on my forehead generally helps a lot.  

[Manda_Tifa]

Nekoyaki

Manda: But by spring, the next semester will have started.. D: Oh god, I'm NOT looking forward to that..

I was making an analogy....using tree sap....Tree sap was synonomous to your art, and spring synonomous to when you felt like drawing again... sweatdrop Never mind stupid Vermont termonology.... sweatdrop  

[Nekoyaki]

Manda_Tifa

Nekoyaki

Manda: But by spring, the next semester will have started.. D: Oh god, I'm NOT looking forward to that..

I was making an analogy....using tree sap....Tree sap was synonomous to your art, and spring synonomous to when you felt like drawing again... sweatdrop Never mind stupid Vermont termonology.... sweatdrop

Oh.. well.. I DO like maple syrup... o.O  

[shoki_de_nai]

Well, my day has been fabulous. Slept through my last final, got s**t back for selling my textbook...but anyone who actually reads what I post knows that already. But my sister's been an absolute a*****e today. She's annoying everyone, especially me, on purpose. Whining, fake crying throwing trash onto my side of our room....generally saying and doing anything she can think of to get on my nerves. Stupid ********. Didn't even do anything to her.

And then work was great. Apperantly my cancel-save percentage is only 17% when I need it to be at least 30%. So, I got to have some chick sit with me for two hours listening to my calls and giving me tips and stuff since hers is at 50%. Well, she said I'm doing everything right and she doesn't know why my score is so low, must just be the customers. Oh, but my supervisor said that "it's not a coincidence that some people get 50% and others get low scores." Nevermind that my Quality Assurance(randomly monitored & scored calls) scores have been ******** 100%. My lowest was like...95%? But no...I NEED to have my cancel save percentages raised. I HAVE to focus on that now. Super. I can't can ******** control which customers I get. It is coincidental. Sure, I bet some people are much better than others, but I'm not doing a damn thing wrong.  

[Crenn]

I'm getting fed up of my mother. She told me that if I don't stop my mood swings, she's wanting me on anti-depressants..... lovely.... the reason for depression is already found out.... but only my father knows it. The main reason is because the majority of people in the house are women. Not that in itself is a problem, just most of them are strict (especially my mother).  

[Crenn]

I'm feeling so lonely currently..... I want to be with friends or Rain... but I can't...... I'm.... so..... confused  

[Sheol Zone]

Well.. ~Sighs~ We survived and did okay. The weather was an absolute nightmare. We only had our power flicker, we didnt lose it, but nearly everyone around us.

<< For those who don't know, there was a huge storm last night. Places lost powers... And roofs. e__e;  

[Selene Aries]

Sheol Zone

Well.. ~Sighs~ We survived and did okay. The weather was an absolute nightmare. We only had our power flicker, we didnt lose it, but nearly everyone around us.

<< For those who don't know, there was a huge storm last night. Places lost powers... And roofs. e__e;

Yeah, it flickered a few times but that was about it. Was really worried that we would lose power. gonk