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Ameliorate (Rough draft, needs severe criticism!) Goto Page: [] [<] 1 2 3 ... 4 5

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SpunkyOtaku

PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 7:11 pm
Of course! I think it would be best to see them side by side, so that's what Ill do.
I just wish I could somehow get more people to read this. Don't get me wrong, you and outulissa have been invaluable in your advice and whatnot. I just want as many view points as possible. Maybe I'll work on advertising around the guild or something...  
PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 9:10 pm

hahaha mmkay.
& yeah, I could get my friend to read it as well,
she's better than me at giving constructive critism
:]
 

Irishroseh
Crew

Aekea Athlete


Otulissa
Captain

Eloquent Explorer

PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:43 am
Oh, I am sure you can get more people to read your fanfiction. wink Just make your title more interesting? So it will catch attention. Perhaps, something in parentheses at the end like: (Please help?)

or

(Help needed!)

or

(Need feedback!)

That way, members of the guild will be aware that you would like some help.  
PostPosted: Mon May 26, 2008 11:38 am
Oh yeah! thanks to both  

SpunkyOtaku


Otulissa
Captain

Eloquent Explorer

PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 1:52 pm
You're welcome!  
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 6:44 pm
The cheap oil light was dim in the dark room, even when the day outside was climbing to mid-morning. There were few customers at this time of day. Just a few stray morning buddies coming in to sit and chat. The true crowd would not enter until much later that evening, when the folks wanted to come in for a drunken musical party. That suited him just fine, it made it easier to find her. His tall form swaggered in confidently in his clunking boots. The icy grey eyes immediately sought out his target in the dim lighting.

He found her instantly, since there was no crowd to hide her. Granted, she might have been easy to find even in a sea of bodies. Not that she was wearing anything particularly flamboyant, however there were not exactly many that resembled her. After all, she was the only one in the entirety of Hyrule that was dark olive-skinned and had bright orange red hair. In the fighter’s uniform, she resembled a little girl playing dress up. A small decorative shield, and not one, but two swords strapped onto her back, crossed behind. Though one was wrapped and sealed and tied securely to the leather torso belt. She never used it once, even if that meant a loss. Part of it helped her mysterious reputation. Good publicity in the underground. Sometimes it was rumored to hold the blood of her first murder victim. (He had actually snorted and laughed at that one.) Vibrant orange-red hair tied in a loose braid down one shoulder as she took a gulp from the tin pint. Her tunic was also red, though a much deeper shade. Her under turtle neck was light brown, and tight, as though just a bit small even for her. Her small calf boots were leather, and her leggings black. In entirety, a darker ensemble choice.

“Can a tiny stomach like yours even hold that much ale?” the young man had to jab as he leaned against the counter. He held one arm onto the polished wood, and combed his fingers through his dark blue locks.

“You should see me on Song Night, I down these suckers like a farmer.” was her dry reply with a surprisingly low voice. She did not bother telling him that this had only been filled half way- with water. She had finished her first pint of beer earlier that morning. She glanced up at him, slightly curious. “What do you want?”

He straightened immediately and threw his arm down with a flair, rustling his brown cloak. He stepped back on his black boots, and pointed a single index finger to the girl before him.

“Amelia Truehart,” he identified gallantly, “I challenge you to-”

“Take it up with Hosierre.” she cut through, unimpressed and completely bored. She took another gulp. “I think you’ll get an appointment by…” she tapped a separate finger on the counter top, counting off something four times before saying: “two days from now.”

His brow flickered, but he quickly cooled. “Thing is, I don’t want to wait that long.”

“Then make a larger bet.” she said easily. She rested her face on her open palm. She picked up the can by it’s thick handle and swirled it around, measuring the amount of water left. “He’ll give in if you make a convincing enough offer. Though I think the ones for today are set, you’ll have to get in tomorrow.”

His gallant pose dropped. His thick blue brow twitched again, and did not let up. The girl was not even batting a dark eyelash, and it was annoying him. She did not even look like she was considering him a challenge. That really bugged his ego, considering he viewed himself as the best fighter in the other provinces.

“Do you really think I’m that weak?” he demanded. He spread one hand over his chest. “The least you could do, is give me some respect.”

“Pretty much.” she answered easily. The cup still rotated and the water still swirled at the bottom of the tin cup. “No body here feels like a good challenge. It’s getting a bit boring.”

His face dawned with some inner enlightenment and drew himself up to his full height once more. “I can assure you that I’m not like anyone around here.” he boasted.


He gave a cocky grin. He stepped out on the stone to a more open space. He spun on his heel in a whirl of brown and blue and green. “I have traveled many leagues across these lands.”
One hand rested on his hip while the other pointed out to some great goal across the leagues of lands he boasted of. “For days I have traveled across the borders, battling many an enemy, slaying and defeating them all one by one.”
The hand on his hip fisted by his leather belt and sheath, and the hand pointing spread across the middle of his chest. “I believe that I, Damien Harrowin, can give you the challenge you seek.

She did not glance to him, her tin cup not pausing the least bit. Except her eyes looked up to the heavens. Why? Why did she have to deal with a wacko now of all times? She was not feeling up to it. The cup fell into a slow rhythm. A slow, safe rhythm. She focused on the water hidden within it’s metal encasing, his words slowly sunk in.

Across the borders.

“Here’s the thing though,” she said quietly after a moment, “You are going to be just like everyone else. You fight from the safety of your armor and weapons. You protect yourself, and fear being hurt. You fight within the borders, no matter where you go.”

He stared at her, confused by her lament. Why was she not impressed with his amazing aura? Oh yeah, and she made it sound as though it were a bad thing to fight with weapons. It was just common sense, there was no other way to fight. Not unless you wanted yourself killed. His fist dropped, and he put the hand onto the counter as he crossed one black boot behind a blue pant leg.

“Well, of course. How else are you supposed to fight?” he inquired and shrugged, “I mean really, swing your fists around like a savage? It’s completely-”

She slammed the cup onto the table, making everyone in the room jump. She turned it upside down so that the open end struck the wood, making the clear liquid inside rush out from the rim. The other customers grumbled or shook their heads, but either way went back to their conversations. She lifted the pint, to see if it was empty. She shook it out to make the remaining water sprinkle out. Then she licked the metallic rim to attain one last drop. She jumped off her stool, and he found she was just barely over half his height. She really was tiny.

“See you in three days.” was her farewell.

She stepped to the door, into the brightness of the mid morning. She gave herself a moment to blink and let her eyes adjust to the midmorning light. She heard the door open behind her.

“Wait!” came that voice again. He stepped beside her, bringing him into her view once more. “You can’t just leave me like this, I’ll…”

She drowned his voice out and considered her options. Damn, she had to lose him somehow… Ah, of course!

She took out a plump, round green apple from the button satchel on the back of her belt. She held it up high and put her hand around her mouth.

“HEY!!” she called out to no one in particular. “LOOKY OVER HERE!!”

Damien stopped his rant. Now what was she doing?

“I have an apple!” she waved it high above her head. “A delicious green apple- that I didn’t pay for!”

The young man blinked. What on-?

His confusion slowly left him as he heard something. A slight rumble by the sound of it. Actually, it sounded more like a stampede…

“Well, I’d best be off.” she stated as a matter of factly.

She bit into the apple, just enough to hold it by her teeth. She made a running start to jump up to a horizontal wood flag pole sticking out from the mortar of the cramped buildings across from the pair. She grabbed it by both hands and swung around it once, before flying up and grabbing the second to do the same. He stared wide eyed at the ascent, and turned too late to see a mob of people run directly over him. His body twitched when the chase passed over him, and the arm that had been stuck forced itself down to the cobble stone. He creaked his neck to look up, and saw The form of Amelia, shrinking with distance across the wall rooftops of the housings and shops, drawing an angry mob with her.

This was the infamous unbeatable midget fighter of the underground? He had a few doubts.  

SpunkyOtaku


Irishroseh
Crew

Aekea Athlete

PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:49 pm
ooh, I like it.

Only thing, the phrase, "I down these suckers like a farmer.” bugs me a bit because sailors are the 'best' drinkers, or so everyone says. Though that might be a problem if the country was landlocked. ah well, your story.

xD
 
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:06 pm
lol, actually you figured it out, it's landlocked, sailor's aren't exactly common travelers. Still, I'm glad you like it. I'm thinking about adding a bit at end.. or not, I'm not sure, just this one part...
Anyway, yeah, thanks!  

SpunkyOtaku


Otulissa
Captain

Eloquent Explorer

PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:06 pm
Oh, wow! That's very clever.
^_^

I like how you 'showed' it was landlocked, instead of just explaining, "And that's because it was landlocked." Also, it keeps the reader curious and guessing, if he/she didn't figure it out already. Smart!  
PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:00 pm
Thanks! Now, go back and reread it a bit. I added some detail and added the second ending of the prologue I had been thinking of. The basics of it anyway. Tell me what you think of it. More colorful characters? (no pun intended)  

SpunkyOtaku


SpunkyOtaku

PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:00 pm
Alright ladies and gents, I have returned, though I am certainly not idle. prepare for chaos and confusion. mostly because it was extremely difficult for me to get all these things straight... tell me how I did so far.

Little Maki-chan was a sweet little squirrel. She was very hardworking, but unfortunately not very bright for a squirrel. She had been searching all day for a new home for her soon to be family. A band of keese was acting up, and keeping her and her mate up all night. They both knew this would not do for the children. Keese were rumored to enjoy baby squirrels for a scrumptious snack. Usually she was an optimistic squirrel, but by now she was losing hope. She rubbed her little eyes with miniature paw, trying to hold in her tears. She had to be strong! For her children.

By now, she could feel something under her paws. The ground shook beneath her. She looked up to see the birds and keese flying off together into the sky. Using her limited hearing she could make out the sound of the ogres, and the monkeys hurrying through the trees. Together. She was absolutely bewildered. (Not with that word of course. After all, animals couldn’t talk human.) How could this be? What was going on? As it grew louder, she realized something horrible: Something was coming. She ran. Except no matter how fast she tried to run, the vibrations grew stronger, and the sounds of the stampede grew louder. Finally, it grew to the point where the noise was unbearable to her little ears. She looked behind her one last time to see a hoof of relatively small circumference, but of great weight and power directly above her.

-

Deron awoke with a nauseous rocking. There was heavy noise all about, and it was unusually hot. At first he thought he was still dreaming. He slowly opened his eyes, to see brown furred hide and speeding green grass underneath. Blurred white clouded his vision of other riders on other beasts. A little boy hung just across from him on another beast, sobbing in terror and despair. A split second later Deron recognized the red scarf hanging off the boy’s head, the brown hair, and green eyes of Talo. Memories of where he had just been flooded his mind’s eye just as a faint human hiccupping gasp pierced through the muffling darkness of exhaustion.

Forest green shot open with panic, and long arms pushed against the flank of the brown boar, one bare and one covered with the green single sleeve jacket. His body was hanging horizontally across the beefed shoulders, painfully digging into the saddle. A warning shriek rang from beside his ear. Instinctively his arm struck against the monster sitting at his left side. Caught off-guard the monster fell off easily. The beastly partner riding behind it gawked momentarily, only to reach behind to draw a bow from the quiver. Already the adolescent scrambled up the saddle flank, and kicked out at the beast. The heavy leather boot hit the green bundled head, and sent the creature tumbling.

It triggered an alarm. The beasts all around him cried out a warning for their comrades. Even as he pulled up his body onto the leather seat, a ring of arrows drove into him. A separate arrow pierced into the side of his calf, the back of his left shoulder, his right oblique, and into his collar bone. He roared out in torture. Besides Talo’s young gaze, only single horrified stormy gray eye found the source of the alarm.

Keian cried out for the boy, but her voice was lost in the sea of roars and running.

Deron grabbed the leather reins, just in time for the bublin to shriek and rear in pain. A stray arrow had lodged itself into the sensitive snout. Every small movement brought unbearable pain from the many arrows lodged in the boy’s body, and the rearing sent a fire of agony. Another cry of torment tore from his throat when the beast landed onto it’s four legs again, and barreled forward.

“DERON!” Keian cried out again.

It worked as a call, awakening the seven other victims trapped in sleep, or terrified paralysis. All pairs of eyes snapped open simultaneously and moved up to see the chaos quickly unfolding. The cry earned the dirty blond a hit from the club of one of her captors. Her back spiked with pain. The gray eye not hidden by the curtain of hair sought the back of the beasts head and pulled at the wiry course hair, only to do nothing. Another hit got her hip. She hissed, and pulled instead on the reins. It pulled across the muzzle and caused the beast to fly back onto it’s hind legs. Both of the moblins and even she could not hold on, and tumbled back off of the creature. Its mass drove through and divided the stampede with its path, adding a second ingredient to the growing entropy.

Many beasts were knocked to the side, out of the main school, and made many rear and barrel forth in the same manner, starting the chain all over again. This sent many green goblins, and trapped humans to the floor unceremoniously. The gang of moblins and bublins still standing broke formation and scattered about, avoiding the writhing bodies on the floor.

A small girl no older than ten grunted when her body hit the dirt. Her teal eyes opened, then closed again when she rolled back toward the body of the struggling bublin. She curled against it and clutched onto the flicked brown hair on her head. A separate monster barreled dangerously close to her stiff deep fuchsia wrap. She could tell from the pained cry that one of the green captors had been taken out by the berserk beast. She scrunched her freckled face, praying with all her might that she would make it out of this alive. She shrieked when something heavy and soft landed onto her.

“Get off!” her voice was high and shrieked with terror. “Let go of me! Leggo, leggo!”

Panic seized her and she pushed and kicked at the object with all her might. Small hands took a hold of her shoulders and fought against her kicks and punches. A feminine voice yelled out at her.

“Beth! Beth, open your eyes- look at me!”

Beth opened her tearing eyes only to see a pale human face, framed by long black bangs. Brown eyes showed only concern laced annoyance and anger fueled by the fear of the entire situation.

“Miren!”

Beth cried out and threw her arms around the older girl’s shoulders. She looked up at a moblin throwing down it’s club at Miren’s back. Beth cried out and flew back, but the older girl could not avoid the blow and grunted when it hit her back. She turned and shot to her feet, grabbing Beth’s hand.

“C’mon, let’s go!”

Beth did not argue, and followed her path to the clear ground outside the growing cloud of dust and dirt and rock.

When Talo’s beast fell, he landed, trapped under the incredibly heavy bublin. His upper body wriggled and pulled at the grass as best he could, desperate to free his legs and run. The pair of moblins that had ridden the beast with him were trapped as well. They were too concerned with their own freedom to bother him.

“Help! Help me!” he called out. Even he could barely hear himself over the roar about him, he doubted anyone else would hear, but he screamed anyway. “Someone help me!”

The writhing beast that had him trapped made the one move that terrified him most. It rolled over. He was trapped in ardent suffocating darkness, save his sandaled feet. His body was trapped completely under the muscle and fat that felt as though it were crushing him. The fearful tears were the only thing that could move. It was only a few seconds, enough to let him think he was dying, that a pair of pudgy hands grabbed at his sandaled ankles, and yanked him across the floor and out from the beast. He coughed once and gasped for fresh air. A thick arm grabbed around his blue cloth wrap and golden belt to lift him from the floor. The great bublin monster kicked out it’s short little legs, and rolled around, attempting to get to it’s feet, and whoever grabbed a hold of him backed off to avoid being hit. He turned his crying eyes to see a matured face covered with a thin layer of fat. Very curly brown hair rolled about his round ears and determined blue eyes shone from the pudgy cheeks.

“Goro!” Talo cried with relief.

Without protesting he wrapped his trembling little arms around the shoulders. He buried his face in his neck, and held on with his arms and legs for dear life. He could feel the dirt and waves from the passing beasts, and shrieks from the moblins all around them. With all his might he prayed that he would make it out of this alive.

Goro turned and ran as best he could, avoiding beasts and monsters to the best of his ability. It required a lot of running and halting and jumping, more so than he had ever done in his life. He turned at the sound of another beast barreling forward. With the trap of the circling creatures, all the big teen could do was shove the child’s face into his shoulder, and save him the sight of his oncoming doom.
 
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