The avatar above you is the god/goddess of...?

[Millenium Joker]

No- come on. Stay. What's the matter? You know you can come to Joker with any problem you may have and I'll do me best to help. neutral  

[Oo_Hunter of Pierce_oO]

Dude, whats wrong?  

[Kitten254]

....today....i just dont feel like myself....
i feel detached...like im not really wanted here...  

[Millenium Joker]

At home or here HERE, like the guild?

We all feel that way occasionally. I myself almost never feel at home at home. If that makes sense.  

[Kitten254]

no just detached from everything....
not an individual just....alone.....

like....im the only one...but i cant explain it.....

i have felt this feeling many times, and still could never explain it...  

[Millenium Joker]

Lemme guess- you feel incomplete, as if a part of you is missing?

It's what I call "self incompletion." You feel that secretly there is one thing or person that would make you a whole, but you can't have it or can't find it.

Trust me, I have the SAME damned feeling a lot. But for me, If it comes up I try to push it down. If it ever gets to me, I get into a funk, and I feel depressed, sad, sensitive, and extremely angry verging on furious- I've broken things and almost broken my hand a few times because of that. So now, I push that feeling away until I feel numb and just continue. Not the healthiest thing, but it works for now. I'll feel the repercussions in a few years ago when I have health problems from it, but for now I am doing a good job of keeping that away.  

[Kitten254]

joker that is a pretty close description...

i think i can explain it better...

What if you finally had/meet that thing/person who made you whole...you never wanted to let it go (f*ck i rhymed)...Well one day you come home and find it gone...gone...just poof gone....

U cant find it, its lost...and your completely alone...

I hate to sound like "pity me, pity me" kinda s**t...but....

Can you imagine how horribly painful it is to know EXACTLY what/who you want, and you cant have it back....you have it for a certain amount of time...you feel whole...you feel alive without one worry!!! Everything is ok. And then...its gone...without even a warning until its too late...And your last memory is...the happiest one................But you know it isnt in your reach anymore....its no longer yours....

Its painful...it really really is...  

[Millenium Joker]

I remember something similar to that, but... I can't compare. See, my parents were divorced when I was 4, so I have always been pretty upset and bitter at the world, I never let people get too close. And whenever they did, they always hurt me in the end, so I basically sealed meself away from others- take my ex. Didn't have the guts to break up with me in person, she had to do it WHILE I WAS AWAY ON VACATION. And over the internet, no less. So, I can't really imagine what you're going through. The only thing I can say is that if you ever need me, you have to but ask, and I'll do whatever I can to help you.  

[Kitten254]

......i dont wanna go into a competition on "how shitty my life is" s**t cuz thats one way of losing a friend and quite frankly my past is meaningless....

Rain....he....he moved when i was on vacation in my favorite place, My uncle micks.....He had called and called and called my house, but my parents kept telling him i was on vacation....but he was reluctant and kept calling each day...except the day i got back...Well the whole time i was on Vacation I was thinking of him. Worrying. looking at the stars for him, and drawing us, over and over and over again...Reading my fave books that had parts that reminded me of him. I was in total love struck, but i still had fun on vaca. When i got home...my dad yelled at me to get off the computer and s**t so i started crying (he was yelling as loud as he could go for absolutely no reason) and i ran into the bathroom and locked it and he tryed coming in (hes so stupid, it was locked) i yelled i hated him (which is true) and he left me alone...my mom came in, calmed me down, and let me stay home while all of them (my 2 neices, mom, and dad) went on the boat...so while they were on the boat, i called rains mom to talk to him...When she picks up...she tells me hes living with his grandmother in california...for awhile...i asked" how long?" she said from 5months-a year max....so i said ok...(holding back tears) and she gave me his new number...so as i click the button "end" i screamed at the top of my lungs in the most bloody curlding, horrible voice in the whole world, NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i screamed for a good 3 hours crying my eyes out...........i cryed myself to sleep that night and didnt eat for a good month....i didnt call him until 2 days after i called him mom...and he said" ya, i know..." he sounded depressed....2 days later he calls me unexpectedly and says...um katie, yes, umm i cant do long distance relationships they havent worked for me in the past,....*choking choking choking* oooh...., im sorry, so i guess talk to you later, sure...bye?, bye....*clicks end* I THREW THE PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM in front of my neice who witnessed the whole thing...and ran to my room in bloody tears....and didnt come outta room for....awhile...my voice was monotone and my hair and eyes went black for a month....


...........thats how much rain was to me....  

[Millenium Joker]

Oh, damn...... then you're gonna hate one of my recent posts. confused  

[Kitten254]

ya......3 of my friends say (as cheesy as this is) that he was my soulmate...we were meant to be.....

he was my first official kiss....  

[Millenium Joker]

Wow... that's a pretty big loss.  

[Kitten254]

i have lost more...but he was my.....2nd biggest....my BIGGEST ONE where i didnt talk to my parents for a good 3 months....was when i lost my god family-chloe and mommy....and zenny....

THAT was huge...i mean...i almost....i mean i.......................if i hadnt started eating right again....i would have dyed within a week, but that week i was expected to die......i started eating again cuz....idk....i just felt i had more to go for...how i needed to stay alive to help her in the future, and slowly i got better....slowly i got healthier...and slowly i started speaking again...but it took along time..................Right as i was at my highest peak again...i was still one day behind (not literally) but i could walk and catch up to life...i meet rain........


u can just imagine how much loss and pain i felt when i realized i had lost both of them...when rain broke up with me.........

Thats the time i began to have trust issues.......after rain left....and now...look at me....im locked up inside.....

huh.....and its only been a year.... stare  

[Millenium Joker]

Wow... sounds like to say the least s**t hasn't been good for you.

You misread me- I was trying to relate to your situation, not compare my s**t life to yours. Believe me, the last thing I want to start if a fight like that.

Man..... it's on;y with time that you can open up to people. It'll get better eventually- what you need to do is move out of Washington. bad air, bad attitudes, and the suicides... ugh. The last thing I would want to hear is that you killed yourself.  

[Kitten254]

ya......i hate to sound all "pity me pity me" cuz i get it s**t happens...but i cant help it, sometimes you just gotta get it out. I know some people can hold it in FOREVER but im not one of those people so i dont see the point in hating me when its only natural for feelings to be shared....sorry went on my own little rant there....

ya...this last years has been....terrible....shaun made me give up in trust completely when i found out he used me, he made me just say ******** it, he made me lock myself up. I had trusted him enough to not be that kinda guy, but no. I trusted him with my secrets...but no....i trusted him after what happened with rain....i was just starting to scrawl outta my shell....i was just beginning to get better.......and he does this to me....

he made me lock myself away. Just not even care anymore...........