Lines You'll Never Hear

[Nelowulf]

Cont.:

Ferno: *patting link* Its okay. Not all of us can be rich. I admire you, actually. You're pretty original, and kinda cool for not having anything.

Neb's Ghost: Yea! You're pretty much like me when i was still alive as a knight. Bummin' rides and s**t.

Ferno: *looking back at link* On second thought, get a bunch of stuff. We don't you turning into that.... thing....




(The star forge could probably build copies of itself, it makes everything else..)  

[Darkened Angel]

Angel: ( looking over her battle cruiser ) Wow, this thing has everything but a working bathroom.

* the sound of a toilet flush is heard, then a crewman comes out of newly opened door, zipping up his pants *

Angel: ... My God... I found the fabled lost bathroom of Mon Lantus... and it's aboard my own battle cruiser to boot!  

[Missing00]

Missing nin itachi: I have no idea what's going on...
Cale: Of corse not you just hang in the outer rim all day making jokes.
MNI: I know...Im ashamed of myself.

(Wait...that's something we would say)  

[Darkened Angel]

Crix Madine: I have been defeated.  

[Sol Walker]

Arc Trooper Training:
Tipoca City, Kamino. Jango stands before a group of ARC Trooper Clones in Fatigues.

Jango Fett(shouting throughout): Right! Good evening, troops.
ARC Troopers (mumbling): Good evening.
Fett: Where's all the others, then?
ARCs: They're not here.
Fett.: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
ARCs: Dunno.
Alpha-17(Alpha): Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Fett: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
Alpha-Ø2 (Spar): Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
Fett: What do you mean?
Alpha-77(Fordo): We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Fett: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Spar: Can't we do something else?
Delta-47(Copy): (Lacking Concord Dawn Accent) Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Fett: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad; When you're out on the battlefield and some bloodthirsty automaton comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit: When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...
All: We’ve done the passion fruit.
Fett: What?
Alpha: We’ve done the passion fruit.
Spar: We done oranges, apples, hubba-gourds, grapefruit...
Fordo: Whole and segments.
Spar: Pomegranates, drikkle-fruit greengages...
Alpha: Grapes, cloudberries, passion fruit...
Spar: Lemons...
Fordo: Plums...
Alpha: Mangoes in syrup...
Fett: How about Snozberries?
All: We did them.
Fett: Red *and* black?
All: Yes!
Fett: All right, Namana fruit.
(All sigh.)
Fett: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Namanas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a Namana. Now you, come at me with this Namana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a Namana. First of all you force him to drop the Namana; then, second, you eat the Namana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
Spar: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Fett: Shut up.
Copy: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Fett: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
Alpha: Alpha.
Fett: Sorry, Mr. Alpha. Come at me with that Namana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Quick draws and blasts Alpha.)
Alpha: Aaagh! (Falls lifeless and smoking to the ground.)
Fett: Now, I eat the Namana. (Takes helmit off, Peels and eats fruit. Places helmit back on.)
Spar: You shot him!
Fordo: He's dead!
Copy: He's completely dead!
Fett: I have now eaten the Namana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.
Spar: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Fett: Well, he was attacking me with a Namana.
Fordo: But you told him to.
Fett: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
Copy: And pointed sticks.
Fett: Shut up.
Spar: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a Namana and I haven't got a blaster?
Fett: Run for it.
Fordo: You could stand and scream for help.
Fett: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe. Besides, Mandalorians don’t scream.
Fordo: A pineapple?
Fett: Where?! Where?!
Fordo: No I just said: a pineapple.
Fett: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
Fordo: What, on the pineapple?
Fett: Where?! Where?!
Fordo: No, I was just repeating it.
Fett: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's Namanas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Fig.
Fordo: Fordo.
Fett: Fordo. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.
Fordo: No.
Fett: Why not?
Fordo: You'll shoot me.
Fett: I won't.
Fordo: You shot Alpha.
Fett: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.
Copy: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Fett: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.
Fordo: Throw the blaster away.
Fett: I haven't got a blaster.
Fordo: You have too! Its in your holster!
Fett: No I havent.
Fordo: You shot Alpha with it!
Fett: Oh, that blaster.
Fordo: Throw it away.
Fett: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a blaster.
Fordo: You were going to blast me!
Fett: No I wasn't.
Fordo: You were!
Fett: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you nerf-herder! You hutt, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You corellian...
(Fett suddenly pulls a lever in the wall. A 16-ton weight falls on Fordo)
Fordo: Aaagh! (flattened)
Fett: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
Spar: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Fett: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
Spar: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?
Fett: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
Copy: Like what?
Fett: Blasting' him?
Spar: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?
Fett: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.
Spar: No blasters.
Fett: No.
Spar: No 16-ton weights.
Fett: No.
Copy: No pointed sticks.
Fett: Shut up.
Spar: No rocks up in the ceiling.
Fett: No.
Spar: And you won't kill us.
Fett: I won't.
Spar: Promise.
Fett: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
Spar & Copy: Oh, all right.
Fett: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly, like real commandos. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to --release the Rancor!
(He does so. Rancor growls. ARC troopers scream.)
Fett: The great advantage of the Rancor in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Rancors however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a duck. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of Irradiated Baridium, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...
(Tipoca City explodes)  

[Missing00]

That was great. Real Monty Python stuff, althought waht is a Namana? do you mean Banana?  

[Sol Walker]

((I supstituted Namana for banana.))  

[Nospai Deathous]

General Reikan: If you want to join the Rebel Alliance, you have to really hate the Empire.
Han: I do!
Reikan: Oh yeah, how much?
Han: A lot!
Reikan: Right, you're in.  

[Nelowulf]

((I like that version better than the last time it was attempted, cale. Good work.))

Vader: *patton-esque pose* Ladies, men, and future corpses of the 501st, it is my duty to lead you into battle. This is how its going to go down. We are going to assault the Rebel Base on hoth. I won't lie to you. Some of you will be shot, some of you will not come back alive. But when you reach that pile of armor that was your best friend, who happens to look like everyone else in the squad, you'll know what to do.

Team Alphabits, *points to group in front*, I want you to charge in guns blazing, with no reguard to life. You will be huffing it on foot, all the way to this side of the map, at which point I will proceed to carpet bomb the area.

Team Bantha Fodder, I want you to grab all the vehicles on the map and drive around with no purpose, preferably shooting at our own ground troops. And for the love of god, aim for Squad Alphabits, because they need to get a work out. *points to obese stormtrooper* See those jelly rolls!

Team ********, i want you to grab the aircraft, and just bomb everything in sight. I want to see craters damnit, and that sky better look like ground! Here is the Top Gun Soundtrack featuring Kenny Loggins, and make sure you turn all our communications officers listening in to the radio signals deaf. I need a reason to get a new crew.


*several minutes later, Vader is tied to a pole, and stripped of his General's helmet*

Vader: mutinous dogs!  

[Missing00]

(Oh no Nelo....I feel a wave coming on!)

AT-ST pilot: Brave citizens of the land...fear not! the Empire has come to liberate you!

*Blows up house* Feel liberated houses!

*stomps people* Taste freedom citizens!

*Tips over tree* Flower domocracy...um...birch tree?!

*rocketed by rebel* Oh I am going to liberate the s**t outta you!  

[Sol Walker]

((if I cant rip off VG cats, no one can! Time to end this streak!))

Scene: ESB, Luke stands before the window on Besbin, Hears vader's voice and turns.
Vader lowers his saber. A nearby table of pies starts to vibrate.
Luke: eek You wouldnt....
Pies fly off the table and start splattering into Luke. The force of the storm of the pies hurl him out the window with a crash and a splat.
Darth Vader: You can not resist the power of the Creme Pie....  

[Nelowulf]

((you ended it, and without a good line either... and I thought you were corellian...))

*Battle of Geonosis, a LAAT flies over the battlefield while one of the pod gunners is being interviewed by news reporters*

Gunner: Take that! *zaap* and that! *zaap* and some of this, and this, and this! *zaap zaap zaap*

*reporters look at each other*

Gunner: You should write an article on me!

Reporter 1: Why should we do that?

Gunner: I have over 1,324 confirmed droid kills! See, any droid that moves is a battledroid. Any droid that stands still is a well trained battledroid.

Reporter 1: Do you shoot, protocols and astromechs?

Gunner: Of course they fall into the line of sights now and again.

Reporter 2: How do you shoot, astromechs and protocol droids?

Gunner: Easy. Don't lead them as much!  

[Darkened Angel]

(( You got that from Fullmetal Jacket. Speaking of which, guess what happens now? ))

Thrawn: * walking in front of assembled new stormie recruits * Where are you from, private?
Stormie: Sir, Tatooine, Sir!
Thrawn: Holy huttslime, Tatooine! Only sand people and nerf herders come from Tatooine, and you don't look much like a sand person so that kinda narrows it down.  

[Nelowulf]

((I know. that's the only good ripoff I got though. Guess this one.))

Link: Iron Dragon style, movement number four!

Ferno: What are you doing? Did you watch Return of the Dragon again?  

[Sol Walker]

((Dont make fun of my combat style! Its mean! crying and hurtful!!))

Mandalore the Immortal: So when do I tell everyone that I'm Boba Fett?
Cale: eek Shut up!!!
MtI: Relax. No one's really going to buy that. I speak too much Mando'a to be Boba.