My grandma is killing me inside (1st post update!)

[WebenBanu]

It's not nice to pull on people's weaknesses and insecurities for personal amusement, Crystal. I understand that she put you through hell, but you're out of her reach now- so it's best to just put that part of your life behind you at this point.-_- Even considering what has already happened, it would be preferable not to burn any bridges behind you- family is an important thing. I do understand how unlikely it is that your grandmother will accept any gesture of friendship, but at the very least, the less that you can contribute to that negativity the better. Yanking on her chain only aggravates her animosity toward you, and the Pagan subculture in general. sad  

[The Bookwyrm]

QueenCrystal

Dude leme tell you something extreamly funny. My friend and I downloaded some holloween music, and one of the songs we had was the exersist, and it had scary breathing effects. The day before holloween we called her and put the song on, then when she picked up we put the phone to the speakers of what was playing, and when the song was going she was praying the whole time on the phone, yelling saying "The blood of god is on you! You can do voodoo on me you cant hurt me, IN THE NAME OF GODDD!!!!" After we hung up my friend and I laughed so hard, I loved it, I just had to get one more laugh ^^

Wow, that goes really beyond immature. Crystal, you just came through a very harrowing and humbling test. Do you really think that the God and Goddess want to see that sort of petty behavior? I sincerly hope that you're happy to have stopped to the level of your grandmother by playing such silly mind games, and that's exactly what gives other Pagans a negative image.  

[QueenCrystal]

WebenBanu

It's not nice to pull on people's weaknesses and insecurities for personal amusement, Crystal. I understand that she put you through hell, but you're out of her reach now- so it's best to just put that part of your life behind you at this point.-_- Even considering what has already happened, it would be preferable not to burn any bridges behind you- family is an important thing. I do understand how unlikely it is that your grandmother will accept any gesture of friendship, but at the very least, the less that you can contribute to that negativity the better. Yanking on her chain only aggravates her animosity toward you, and the Pagan subculture in general. sad

Well 1 she didnt know it was me, 2, It ISNT nice, so why'd she pull on mine. And 3, I dont have a family, All I have is friends.  

[QueenCrystal]

Gypsy Blue

QueenCrystal

Dude leme tell you something extreamly funny. My friend and I downloaded some holloween music, and one of the songs we had was the exersist, and it had scary breathing effects. The day before holloween we called her and put the song on, then when she picked up we put the phone to the speakers of what was playing, and when the song was going she was praying the whole time on the phone, yelling saying "The blood of god is on you! You can do voodoo on me you cant hurt me, IN THE NAME OF GODDD!!!!" After we hung up my friend and I laughed so hard, I loved it, I just had to get one more laugh ^^

Wow, that goes really beyond immature. Crystal, you just came through a very harrowing and humbling test. Do you really think that the God and Goddess want to see that sort of petty behavior? I sincerly hope that you're happy to have stopped to the level of your grandmother by playing such silly mind games, and that's exactly what gives other Pagans a negative image.

She didnt even know it was me! Geez. And no im pretty sure they wouldnt but what am I supposed to do for fun, I mean woha, im not all that perfect. All you people are chewing me out when she need's the friggin chewing. Im not trying to be all "Beyond Immature" and crap. What am I supposed to do? You people acted like I put a spell on her and gave her a disease or something!  

[The Bookwyrm]

QueenCrystal

She didnt even know it was me! Geez. And no im pretty sure they wouldnt but what am I supposed to do for fun, I mean woha, im not all that perfect. All you people are chewing me out when she need's the friggin chewing. Im not trying to be all "Beyond Immature" and crap. What am I supposed to do? You people acted like I put a spell on her and gave her a disease or something!

You're being chewed out because you should know better. You know what it's like to be on the receiving end of something like that, and give your gandmother a little more credit: She's ignorant, not stupid. She likely knew very well who it was.

You're also being chewed out because, believe it or not, you colour all Pagans when you do things like that. You're so quick to tell us about this, how many other people have heard the story? How many other people think that we're all that thoughtless and petty? Be the bigger person and get over it. You were being tested, and you've blown it big time by acting the same as your grandmother.  

[WebenBanu]

The fact of the matter is that even if she didn't know who it was (and how many people does she know who would pull a stunt like that?) it was still wrong, and you should know better. Don't pull the "I'm a pathetic little kid and so I can't be expected to act like a decent human being" ploy. It won't work- we all know that you're an intelligent person who is capable of more. I soundly reject the idea that any person is so weak that they aren't capable of basic consideration and manners. Regardless of what she's done to you, having fun at her expense is not justified. I know that it can be incredibly difficult to remember this when you've suffered as much as you have- most of us have been there as well, in some form or another. That's why we're here to remind you of these things, to help pull you out of the pit when you start sliding down to that level.

When people yank chains like this it's what makes people like your grandmother- those kinds of people didn't just wake up one day and decide to be absurdly defensive around other cultures or ideas. When you do stuff like this to her, you're justifying her behavior and encouraging more of it because you're trying to freak her out. You need to break the cycle now by using the experience you've had and putting it to good use- by not perpetuating the negativity.^_^

We're not trying to run you off or anything- we realize that your prank was a mistake, and no one's denying that you've been through a lot already. But we're letting you know that it was not funny, and not an acceptable thing to do. And we're letting you know why, so that you don't just think that we all turned on you for no reason.^_~ Don't take it too hard, but please don't ever do something like that again, ok?^_^  

[QueenCrystal]

MAN you people know how to make someone feel like a buttface.
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So what, do I call her and tell her sorry or something, im not tryin to make all wiccan's look bad or something, And most of everyone I know doesnt even know I'm Wiccan. I wasnt trying to do anything real bad or something. And yeah, my grandma is that stupid.

I mean geez... I was just bored, now I feel all o.o guilty. sweatdrop sweatdrop sweatdrop Ok yeah...I know better >.< I dont wonna make anybody look bad. my mistake is just...my mistake, but you people act like you've never did anything like it before and im just the only person. Gosh, leme go crawl in my hole now of embarrasment and guilt so I can rot.

What do I do about how shitty I feel inside. Hell, I still call the woman almost everyday and actually see how she's doing. Man although the test thing is over, I dont know how im supposed to get over it. God, I've tried alot of things and still I feel what happened to me in the pit of my guts. Inevitabely, I always, feel depressed  

[WebenBanu]

We all make mistakes, Crystal.^_^ The fact that you feel bad about it now shows that you're a good person at heart- just don't do it again, and you'll have made considerable progress. If you've learned something from this, then you can in good conscience ascribe this unfortunate incident to personal growth and lay it to rest. Unless I'm greatly mistaken, this isn't something you're likely to forget, ne?^_~ It was such an emotionally charged situation, so it'll serve as a good reminder to you the next time you feel the temptation.^_~ And also, the next time someone yanks on your chain, remember this and have a greater empathy for them since you've had the experience of doing it yourself.

All of us have done things of which we're not proud, so let me assure you that you're not a lowly being and you have no reason to hide from us. We're not perfect, either- the point is in constantly working toward being a good person. We all are good people- the proof is in our efforts to be one- but sometimes we fall short of those expectations and that's when our friends can come in handy to point out where we went wrong. It helps to keep us from doing it again, even though I know that it's not a very pleasant position to be in. *hugs*

QueenCrystal

What do I do about how shitty I feel inside. Hell, I still call the woman almost everyday and actually see how she's doing.

I'm glad that you're still checking up on her- that's a very nice thing to do, and I'm sure that it means a lot to her.^_^

One thing I've learned about mistakes and other unfortunate life decisions is that, no matter how long or how far a person walks away from their proper path- all they have to do is to turn around. The way back will lie directly at their feet and straight ahead, and the journey back is itself a part of the destination. You've already turned around, Crystal, and you're on your way back. Just keep walking forward- you're already closer than you think.^_^

The best thing that you can do at this point, I think, is to realize that whatever your grandmother did- no matter how misguided it was, no matter how destructive it turned out to be, she was doing it because she thought she was going to save you from a very serious danger. Nobody wants to be a bad person- we are all doing our best to do the right thing. Your grandmother was seriously mistaken in her actions, but in her own way she was trying to protect you- not hurt you.

QueenCrystal

Man although the test thing is over, I dont know how im supposed to get over it. God, I've tried alot of things and still I feel what happened to me in the pit of my guts. Inevitabely, I always, feel depressed

You're hurting right now because you don't understand why she was acting so maliciously toward you- you would have liked to have had a wonderful family relationship with your grandmother, you would have liked to have had a peaceful, supportive, and loving relationship. All of us want that- it's natural.^_^ But your grandmother was acting strangely, and so you're frustrated and hurt because your relationship with your grandmother didn't live up to it's potential- it hasn't yet lived up to what it could, or should, be, and you don't know how to fix any of this.

I think that if you can come to accept that, in her own way, your grandmother was trying to live up to her responsibility as your guardian, and protect you from something which she saw as being dangerous, then you will be well on your way to making peace with the situation. And allowing your grandmother that kind of consideration and forgiveness for her mistakes would also be a fitting compensation for your own mistake. Forgive your grandmother, and you can forgive yourself.^_^

(I also think that this approach will do more to improve your relationship with your grandmother than calling her up and telling her that you're the one who made the prank call, ne?^_~)  

[QueenCrystal]

o.o...I didnt know you people actually paid that much attention to posts >.> <.<...Usually im ignored so I dont post very much in here.

Anywho...I have no idea how I am supposed to realise that she was trying to help me. By kicking me out? I mean come on! My functioning emotions wont allow me to. Anyway I dont know about getting to the right road, because since Monday, I've been feeling even more depressed then ususal! And I dont know why, I can feel soooo much crap thats built up (emotionally) in my body that it cramps my stomach and gives me headaches. I dunno what to do. Im lost.  

[WebenBanu]

QueenCrystal

o.o...I didnt know you people actually paid that much attention to posts >.> <.<...Usually im ignored so I dont post very much in here.

Most of us don't have other Pagans with whom we can interact as a community in our immediate surroundings- even those of us who do tend not to have very many, and there can be risks involved with being seen at a Pagan gathering by the boss- or worse, non-Pagan friends and family. I've actually had several uncomfortable instances of being recognized at Pagan gatherings by clients from work- fortunately the folks involved were also Pagans, attending the same event, so my cover wasn't blown!^_^' But the result of being such a relatively small group of people is that our community is flung to the far corners of the world, and we are most capable of exchanging our ideas and experience through the internet. I don't take my responsibility to online communities lightly, and although I do have fun here, I don't consider these to be throw-away conversations. I mostly ignored your posts earlier because I honestly couldn't read the tiny pink type- but these days you're coming through loud and clear.^_~

It's kind of amusing to think that we now more accurately fit the old accusation of witches flying on broomsticks to some mysterious spot for their mystical gatherings. Except that nowadays we ride on modems, and our meetings are held in cyber-space.^_~

QueenCrystal

Anywho...I have no idea how I am supposed to realise that she was trying to help me. By kicking me out? I mean come on! My functioning emotions wont allow me to.

I doubt that your grandmother actually expected you to leave; I've seen this scenario played out before. Although I am not your grandmother, I am not you, and I was not there, I feel that I can be fairly confident in this. Parents and guardians get into the habit of thinking about taking care of their charges and providing for them every day, and it becomes quite unthinkable to them that the people they are protecting are actually capable of leaving them. Your grandmother is not perfect, and she made a mistake here, but I suspect that this was a last ditch (and poorly planned) effort at playing her trump card- threatening to withhold her providence from you when you would not acquiesce to her demands and turn away from the dangerous road which she genuinely felt that you were following. A hot temper most likely fed the decision to actually stage this threat- it usually does; I suspect that she intended it to shock you into obedience, but it was a move which ended up costing her dearly (again, in my experience, it usually does-_-). Your grandmother will probably end up regretting this decision even more quickly than most- not only will she have to live her life with the memory of this failure as a guardian, but she is an elderly woman and elderly people rely heavily on their descendants to take care of them. I don't know how many other people lived in your house with you and your grandmother, but you had two hands which supported her, and two eyes which looked after her, a soul to keep her company, and a voice which could call for help if either of you were in trouble. She put all of that on the line when she made her threat, and she did it because it was the only thing that she could think of which she hadn't already tried that might force you to heed her warnings. She may be stubborn enough not to ever let you know- I don't know her well enough to be able to say- but she lost a lot when she let you go. That's why I am glad to hear that you are still checking up on her.^_^

QueenCrystal

Anyway I dont know about getting to the right road, because since Monday, I've been feeling even more depressed then ususal! And I dont know why, I can feel soooo much crap thats built up (emotionally) in my body that it cramps my stomach and gives me headaches. I dunno what to do. Im lost.

Of course it is a painful thing to endure- no matter what life was like with your grandmother, no matter what kind of relationship you had with her, your time with her marked a significant part of your life. Now that it's over, you're in mourning. I mourned even when I separated from my abusive husband, so certainly you're entitled to mourn a parting with your grandmother.^_^ Just take it slow, and focus on one step at a time. First, come to terms with your grandmother's actions, then forgive both of you for any mistakes which were made during your struggles. Then take steps to live your life to your fullest potential- that will do credit to both of you, and especially to you. Are you in school these days? Schools usually have guidance counselors who can help you to talk these things out and make plans for your future. If you're not in school, your local police station ought to be able to direct you to a social worker, or perhaps they have some other program which would help you to find support in your area as you keep moving forward. Even though your physical needs are being met, I'm concerned about you emotionally, and I think that it would help you a great deal to keep in touch with these sorts of support people- and of course I'll still be here if you'd like to chat on any of this with me. I'm not a counselor, but you're a part of my community and I'm willing to offer a helping hand where I can.^_^ I know that you're not in an easy situation, but I believe that you can make it work.