Hear ye all children of God. People everywhere are descrating the name of Jesus by celebrating Halloween. As everyone knows, Halloween is Satan's birthday. There for I encourage all you good Christians out there to follow these halloween tips in order to keep halloween Christian and to discourage Satan.
1. Wait for unsaved children to come to your door and hurl a bucket full of warm lamb's blood (goat or dog blood can be substituted later in the night if you run out) all over their hair and faces. Shout - "I plead the power of the Blood of the Perfect Lamb over you! Take that! FOUL DEMON!"
2. Dress up as the freshly resurrected Christ. To make your costume as realistic as possible: (a) use your mother's sewing needles to poke holes in your hands and stomach; (b) wear bluish makeup to look like someone who has been dead and lying around in a cave for a couple of days; and (c) stuff five pounds of week-old hamburger meat in your pockets to smell like rotting flesh. Sneak up behind people, grab them, turn them around, look them in they eyes and scream, "Why have you forsaken me!" And then slap them very hard across the face with a palm-full of rancid hamburger meat. It will usually scare the living Hell out of little children, and they are sure to remember their first experience with Jesus for the rest of their pathetic lives.
3. Offer to exchange your giant treat bag with the small bag of an unsaved child - when he gets home, surprise! BIBLES!
4. Paint your face black, dress up in a flashy suit, and wander around a predominantly colored neighborhood - talking Ebonics into a cell phone about how the Lord Jesus saved you ? in a voice loud enough to wake the sleeping winos! This doesn't have to be just for Halloween. You can try this anytime. When they ask what you are talking about, simply reply, "Yo, yo, yo wazzup? I be off da chain for Jesus! I be pimpin' for da playa JC on the fly with mad props." Then give them one of those arthritic hand signals the Bloods give their friends, the Crips. Most likely, they will persecute you for righteousness sake.
5. Vincent Price may have thought he was scary, but nothing touches the Lord when it comes to the gruesome and macabre! With baby dolls and ketchup, use your front lawn to stage a realistic reenactment of when the Lord got jealous of Samarians worshiping a rival god and ordered that their children be hacked to pieces and their pregnant women experience the Lord's abortion-by-sword calling card. (Hosea 13:16).
6. The only costume you should be wearing is "The Holy Ghost Halloween Costume." Jesus makes it quite clear in Matthew Chapter 12:31 that there is one unforgivable sin, and that is blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. So, remember not to say anything unflattering about yourself while in this costume ? or you will instantly damn yourself.
7. Feed almonds to your Christian family dog for the two months leading up to Satan's birthday, Halloween. Follow him around with a pooper scooper. Carefully place the dog-filth in Almond Joy candy wrappers. Sealed in plastic, also insert a Bible verse. At the end of the Bible verse, in very small type, provide a warning not to eat the "candy." That way, wicked children who choose candy over the Word of God will get exactly what they deserve!
8. When trick-or-treaters come to your door, tell them you are no different than the Lord Jesus when it comes to playing host to sinners. Then, take them into your basement (where the heater is set as hot as it will go) and torture them.
9. One of the best ways to witness on Halloween is by banging on a door, running into the living room and declaring that you will not leave the home of the unsaved until they sit and listen to you read an entire Chick Tract!
10. Place a burning cross in your front yard, dress your kids up as ghosts, form a circle around the cross, and sing hymns all night.
Thos who refuse to uphold the Christian ideals of halloween, may baby Jesus send you all to hell!
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