Untitled Story I Started... Please Tell Me What You Think!

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This is going to contain a slightly RPish format...? Well, here's the Table of Contents...

--TOC--
Characters
The Story

Before you get into reading the story I should reveal some info about it. I will warn you that it is a yaoi thus far, and it may contain up to PG-16 material as it gets farther in. For those of you that don't know, a yaoi a Japanese term for gay romance.

 

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Characters:

Name: Ryke(Rye-kee) White
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Sexual Orientation: Pan
Hair Color: Jet Black
Eye Color: Golden Brown
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 140 lbs
Appearance: Ryke has shoulder-length black hair that is layered. It usually falls in front of one eye, and usually smells like the scent of a forest either because he is off in the woods or because of his shampoo, no one really knows. He is generally lean and has a small build, but he basically slender. Many consider him to be very feminine in frame and the clothing he wears. He either wears girl clothes, or tight fit guy clothes.

Name: Tiro(Tee-Row) Mesdain(Mez-dayne)
Age: 14
Gender: Male
Sexual Orientation: Bi
Hair Color: Light Brown
Eye Color: Green
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 145 lbs
Appearance: Tiro has shoulder length light brown hair that falls where it falls. It isn't cut specially, so if not groomed, it falls like a curtain in front of his face. He usually has it pulled back into a ponytail to reveal his gorgeous green eyes. He doesn't look it, but he is amazingly strong. He is what I guess most would consider "compact." He doesn't look like he has huge muscles, but he can definitely lift weight and overpower most. He usually wears black, and he tends to favor his Carhartt jacket.

 

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Prologue

With a heavy thud, Ryke's wrist was slammed to the ground above his head. He struggled to push the assailant off of him, but his other hand was pressed firmly between the attacker's rear and his own lower stomach. No matter how hard he struggled he still remained trapped, and soon enough, his energy had depleted. With a large sigh he let his head fall back to the ground.
"You know, Ryke, I'm not even trying." Tiro laughed as he sat on top of his friend. "I could easily break your arm, or even better, take advantage of your unguarded lips." Tiro smiled flashing his pearly white teeth, his canines were almost fang like, as he leaned in closely towards his victim. His hot breath rushed over Ryke's lips sending a shiver down through the older boy's spine.
"Don't you dare..." Ryke fiercely growled through his clenched teeth betraying what he truly yearned for. He so desperately wanted to press his lips to the other boy's, but he held back because he had shyness in him.
"Why, don't you like me?" Tiro asked bringing his lips slightly closer as his lips parted slightly and he licked them softly. The boy blushed and looked away from Tiro.
'What sort of question is that?' Ryke asked himself. 'I figured my feelings obvious by now? I mean, seriously, I would have given in and let him bite my neck by now to save myself all of the pain of getting my limbs twisted around... But I'm enjoying how close we are right now, and no matter what amount of pain, I don't want to end this little bout.'
"Aww, how cute!" Tiro mocked his friend as he used his free finger to gently touch Ryke's nose. Their eyes locked, golden brown against emerald green and Ryke was lost.
"What, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" Tiro asked snapping the boy back to reality.
"Y-yes..." Ryke lied as he now turned his entire face away from Tiro.
"No you don't." Tiro moved his friend's head back into it's original position so that he had a better angle. A cunning smile graced the boy's lips as he lowered his face closer in until physical touch was made.
The second Tiro's lips locked with Ryke, the boy was sent through a euphoric ecstasy.It was just a few seconds that their lips touched, but Ryke felt as if his heart would rip free from his chest and run off to a fantasy paradise. When their lips separated, the boy turned a deep red. "Y-you didn't!"
Tiro brought his face to Ryke's ear and whispered softly into it. "I did..."
Ryke was about to say something, but he instantly forgot it when he felt Tiro's breath on his neck. Before the boy could even react, Tiro's teeth had closed down on the flesh and Ryke had to stifle a moan of pleasure by biting his lip. The soft sensuality of Tiro's bite was the exact type of thing to make Ryke want him even more in that moment.

Chapter I

The sunlight illuminated the park and glinted off of the children's play equipment. The songs of the birds mixed with the gurgling water of the fountain composed a soothing melody. The gentle breeze barely rustled through the branches of the surrounding cherry blossom trees, but it was still strong enough to send the blossom petals adrift every so often.
Ryke let a soft sigh push past his lips as he stretched out in the grass. He was thankful that the park was empty aside from himself because he could take the opportunity to nap in nature on a day as beautiful as this. Just as his eyes closed the image of Tiro's lips being so close to his own flashed through the boy's mind. His heart jumped and his eyes quickly shot open.
"Damn Tiro..." Ryke muttered under his breath as he at up and looked around. The park still remained vacant, but Ryke couldn't shed the feeling that someone was watching him. It had been three days since his little incident at Tiro's house, and the even relived itself in his mind quite vividly. Right after the little wrestling match the two had, Tiro's phone rang, and it was what Ryke found out after the phone conversation that seemed to make his heart swell with sadness. The other boy had a girlfriend.
"Ugh... The nerve of him! I mean, I know he was a total flirt, but to kiss me?! And to ask such questions like 'Do you like me?' when he has a girlfriend?! I guess the answer's not as obvious as I thought it was..." Ryke grumbled as he forced himself to his feet and started stretching.
"What answer's not as obvious?" Tiro's voice echoed from near by. Ryke was shocked and he looked around to spot his friend. The tree branches above Ryke rustled giving away Tiro's hiding spot, and the boy crashed down upon Ryke. He gave a cute "Meow" and started to nuzzle his friend.
"Get off of me, Tiro!" Ryke snapped trying to shove his friend off, but he was no where near as strong as the other.
"What's the not obvious answer?" Tiro repeated his question deliberately ignoring his friend's struggles.
"Huh?! N-nothing!" Ryke fervently blushed as he turned his head away from his friend. He hated the power Tiro's eyes seemed to hold over him.
"Doesn't seem like nothing..."
"Well it's nothing!"
"C'mon, you can tell me." Tiro said as he leaned in really closely to the other boy. "Please?"
Tiro's hot breath yet again sent a feeling through Ryke's body and he had to get the boy off. He turned his head so that the two were face to face and he glared deeply into the green pools before him. "It's none of your business!" He hissed through clenched teeth.
Tiro was shocked by Ryke's response, which gave the boy the opportunity he needed. He pushed Tiro off and quickly stood up and started brushing himself off.

I'll try and write more later...

 

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You can go ahead and post what you think... If you don't mind, I'd love some advice.  

[Irishroseh]

Although I'm not big on Yaoi, your writing is clear, and I like it.
However, I don't really feel like i know the characters yet,
but it is a prolouge, so it's really just a taste, I suppose :]  

[Otulissa]

Aw... Yaoi or Yuri is always cute. ^_^ I like what it is so far! They seem to have a very yearning passion for eachother. Actually, I don't mind yaoi, yuri, straight, or whatever...as long as it's well-written. And it was. ^_^ Great job! No grammar errors, I think.  

[A Fading Image]

Thanks for the thoughts, and I hope that the characters will be better known as the story goes on. I just added what I have for Chapter I, so I hope you read it and tell me what you think of the story as it progresses. Hopefully as it progresses, if you actually follow, you come to know the characters better. I will post every time I update it, and thank you for your comments.

 

[Otulissa]

Okay, I read it, and it's great! My eyes are just starting to hurt... xD;; I would advise you skip lines between paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. xD

Like: [blah blah blah writing writing writing paragraph 1 1 1]
[space (enter key)]
Then, skip a line like that, and keep on [writing writing paragraph 2]  

[SpunkyOtaku]

And make the text bigger. *rubs eyes* I'm blind enough as it is. I've only read the 'prologue' part, but I really like it so far. Jeez, talk about detail. those hormones must drive Ryke crazy.  

[Otulissa]

Yes, make the text bigger please! ^_^