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 Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 7:58 pm
She couldn't hide the frown she now wore, though she wanted very much to be able to keep a straight face. The situation was not made easier by his question, he was still giving her the choice, he didn't seem to fully understand what he was doing, what he had done. It was a comfort but it wasn't enough, he wasn't outright stopping her, she wasn't sure he would if she said it was a request and she wasn't sure she was willing to take that chance. She opened her mouth, almost asking if it really made a difference. He had used rank as an excuse not to see her, couldn't she use it as an excuse now, too? If he weren't looking at her, that certainly would have been the way she went. But he was looking and it was making it harder.
"Let me go," she stammered, the particular choice of words, while not her own, making the situation that much more grim in her perspective. Fafnir knew the boundaries, seemed to cling to them and at the same time he did not follow them. Excuses, they were only excuses.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 8:08 pm
He watched her, waited for the answer, saw the war in her eyes. Maybe she didn't know the significance the difference meant to him, but he did, and that's all that counted. Part of him wanted an order for him to let her leave, so that he would know he was doing the right thing, being a good.. friend. What a disgusting word. The other part of him wanted her to so badly to say it was a choice, that she was more Ally than Queen Alcmene, and let him have.. whatever this chance was.
Why couldn't he just make up his mind? But then the words came, and the strangest sense of relief came with them. It didn't reach his face, it didn't wash away the frown, but it gave him some kind of confidence.
"Then no," he said, raising his head and taking the first step toward her he had all night. "I don't.. Ally I don't know what to do, and I've never been good at this." He frowned, at himself. He meant he'd never been good at talking, in general, and expressing himself, but he didn't need to tell her that. "I shouldn't be selfish and ask you to make room for me in your life, but seeing you now, knowing you won't command me to stay away even when you want to, makes me afraid to.." he faltered, wishing he could look away, but knowing he couldn't, that he needed to be confident enough to look her in the eye, "it makes me afraid to lose you."
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 8:42 pm
She shuddered slightly, taking a moment to reflect on how this appeared to be another facet of her life made so much harder, possibly ruined, by her father's stupid decisions. And even with that having happened so recently, Fafnir couldn't be brave enough to be even just her friend. But she was still uncertain, not of what he was saying or even herself. Her eyes finally met his when he said no, finally taking some initiative and showing some courage.
When he spoke, she didn't know what to say. For claiming to be the one who was so bad with words, he was managing to say a lot more than she was and it was her job to speak up. She had to find something to say, she knew that. She couldn't just keep trying to run away, it didn't work before and it didn't seem like it was going to work now. Everything she had learned, everything she had been taught, none of it prepared her for something like this even under normal circumstances. But if she didn't say something now, she would miss her chance.
"No," she muttered to herself, then speaking up to Fafnir, her voice uneven and lacking her former enthusiasm, "You can't do these things and say these things. I lost everybody. Nobody wants to just talk to me, everything is a big deal, everybody is too busy or they say they are. You have to decide, you just can't do this.." She trailed off, her pale eyes sparkling as she made no effort to blink back any forming tears. She had reached her breaking point, her voice reflected it. She did not want to sound so accusing but he was avoiding her one moment, making up excuses the next and then worrying about all of it after that. No matter what she'd realized during their conversation, Fafnir was her best friend and the loss of that was almost harder to handle than her father.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 8:55 pm
It hurt, he'd admit it. The guilt trip she laid on him hurt, stung, but he knew every word of it was the truth. Even the pain couldn't make him stop wanting to comfort her though, not after he noticed the shine in her eyes, that tell-tale sign. He was confused, caught somewhere in his mind between friendship and.. love? Did he love Ally? That was something he had been using 'thinking time' to figure out and hell if she hadn't barged in and ruined that. Not that it was really her fault or anything.
"I'm sorry, Ally," he mumbled, taking a step forward, but hesitating. Would she turn away from him? He stopped there and tried to convey what he was feeling, make her feel what he felt. "I didn't.. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, okay? I'm a middle-class hunter, you're the.. you're my Queen." He had always been afraid of the day she took the throne, always. "I didn't expect you to take the throne so soon, I thought we'd have a little more time, just you and me. Not that you could have known either." His eyes did drop then, because he was ashamed of himself. She had been alone, and she had needed him. His fear had gotten in the way of being a friend to her, and maybe this other feeling as well, which only complicated everything and didn't seem to solve anything.
"I don't want to make anything harder for you. I don't want to cause any rumors, I don't want anyone to.. disapprove of you because of me. I know it's already hard." He knew because his parents knew, his parents knew every little scrap of detail in the pride, it seemed. Gossips were good for some things, he supposed. "It's not a black and white choice, Ally, it's.. just not. If you ask me what I want, it's.. to be with you, whatever you need from me. If you ask me what I think is best.." he swallowed and shook his head, shutting his eyes.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:15 pm
Ally did not take her eyes off of him this time, eye contact felt like it was the only thing that was keeping her on her feet at that moment. She knew it was wrong to guilt trip him like that, to yell as she did. It wasn't fair to him, but he was not being fair to her. He still spoke as if they were friends but hid behind the fact he was middle class, clinging to it as an excuse not to act as a friend would. His actions and his words did not match, and it was not only the words that Ally needed. To her, class had never been an issue, perhaps because she was the higher classed between them or perhaps because she always knew what she felt would never be held back because of her duty to the pride. High class had a way of going to a lion's head, she was no exception.
"I may be the queen but I'm still me," she said sadly, choosing not yet to comment on any of the other details but watching how he finished, looking away from her, "What? What do you think is best?" He had to say it.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:29 pm
He couldn't help being a walking contradiction, he really couldn't. It was taking everything in him to talk to Ally right now, to force himself to say the things that he felt he needed to, the things he thought she needed to hear. Every word just seemed to dig him in a little deeper and nothing had the result he wanted it to.
"I know that," he whispered, lowly, claws raking out into the earth beneath him in his frustration. He knew before she even spoke again that she was going to make him say it, and as soon as she did, he shook his head. "Ally, please don't make me say that." What he thought and what he said, they were two different things, and if he said it out loud, she could hold it against him forever. Still, something told him she wouldn't give up until he did.
"I think it would be best if I stayed away from you," he admitted finally, forcing himself to look up at her. "But it doesn't mean.." he faltered, gritting his teeth for a moment, maybe to choke back his own words, "that doesn't mean I'd ever be happy to do it."
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:39 pm
And it was official, as soon as those words left his mouth, she was alone. Until he said it, she could hope, she could imagine, but she couldn't do that. He had to make a decision, and it didn't matter what he said after that, she couldn't hear him. She didn't say anything else, only kept her eyes on his when he looked back up. Before the glisten in her eye could worsen, she turned her head away, her frown deeper.
"Fine," she murmured, then said it again louder, "Fine." She didn't have to stay, didn't have to give him the benefit of their friendship now, she could walk away and he couldn't really do anything about it. So that was what she did. Without looking back at Fafnir again, she turned herself away and walked off, using every bit of willpower to keep a tremble from her steps.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:55 pm
He wanted to go after her, he wanted to make her stay, he really wanted to do anything in his power to make her want to be here. Only, he realized right away that he wasn't doing anything that made her want to be here. Every word out of his mouth had driven her farther and farther away. He had asked her to stay twice, this was the third time, and part of him thought he should just let her go, no matter how much each step she took hurt him.
This was what he thought was best, wasn't it? He was protecting her, in his own way, wasn't he? He stood up, watching her as she disappeared, and finally turned to head home.
If he was right, why did it hurt so much?
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