|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:26 pm
Here, I'll post my lastest work just so you all can read the work in progress. Give honest answers nothing is too mean.
NOTE FROM PUP: I edited your post because it had a lot of mistakes in it. Please try to watch out for that in the future...thank you.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:22 am
MESSAGE FROM A MERCINARY
Forlorn in a world of darkness all I hear are raging voices threating to cut me off from the part of my world that brings me light. ITs red eyes push me futher in to the darkness untill all I can do is feel! Feel the cold surrounding me and the smooth steel make contact, let the river flow untill I feel heat return to my body. All thought that this escape made me cold when in fact it had warmed my soul sending it to the light away from the darkness and IT. Solitutde and uphoria have been achived. I bid farewell to my brotheres and sisters in arms and I wait to see you to in this beautifull place but untill then, I look from above and guide the best I can.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:19 am
I love this so far! Is it part of a story or is it supposed to be a poem?
One problem, please watch out for your spellings, punctuation, and capitilization.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:25 am
Thanks for the editing help. I really should start working on, I think its a result of too many nights on messenger programs.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:29 am
FRAGEMENTS OF A FORGOTTEN MIND ( part of my book)
I sat in disbelief staring at the screen in front of me reading the words as they popped up one after another forming sentences that fueled my rage and discontent. All this time I had the feeling I wanted to fix it now. I didn't know, but she was hiding something like she always did when she didn't want her private life to be tapped. That's why I got the excuse "I want to party," and "I have a life that's why I might not make it," instead of the truth. Her grandfather was dieing and her life was in disarray.
This girl I speak of has been the center of mine and my friend's life for the past six months and I started with the beginning of the end. She always wanted to be the center of attention and what she failed to notice was that she always was. Like all great epics we all notice what was wrong and how to fix it when it was too late and the pieces came crashing down in flames. Even then some of us, myself in particular, were to proud to admit our mistakes, trying to do so we only made more. It seemed like an endless circle, but there is a beautiful side to this story.
A love like no other that blossomed into a relationship sadly, that was destined for disaster from the very beginning. Each heart that took part knew this. Everyone just knew the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't heaven, but a train wreck.
Now that the main puzzle pieces have been set into place I'll take you back six months before this unfortunate conversation to a glorious Friday night where the liquor was plentiful and reggae rhythms soothed the ears. My friend and I were in a relaxed mood waiting for the third member of our party to show up, the only employed member I might add. Days earlier I told my friend that I had a thing for this girl and tonight could be my big chance. Deep down I knew I would never be able to come out to her but I tried to instill a false sense of security that I would. Out of the two of us my friend was first and for most the more experienced and second more outgoing in matters of the heart; I, on the other hand, am a bottled up person tending only to show anger or laugher. I was once told those were the makings of a lunatic, but back to the subject.
Eight o'clock rolls around and there she is flustered from work, our party had begun hours ago and it could be seen from the number of bottle littering the floor followed by our stumbles to get our coats. As we were running out the door to catch the elevator I asked how many bottles for you she answered "free for me," she was tired and couldn't keep her accent up usually her English is great, I thought it was cute. In a few minutes we were back with reserves for the next day and a half plus a few packs of cigarettes and we were back in business. My friend turned on a show that was funny, sexual, and smart. It made us laugh some of us horny and we would have thought but it took too much energy. So instead we sprawled ourselves over the arm chairs and watched. The two of us knew every episode of this show by heart but it was her first time being introduced to The L Word. It was an awakening experience to say the least.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:33 am
It starts off a little slow but just wait I have pages of it rolling in from a snow ball to an avalanche.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:54 am
Very good! Just PLEASE try to make sure that it doesn't get too "out there" ...if you get what I mean. Remember, PG-13!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
