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insane demon rabbit

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:02 pm
Adaminas pov-

*twitch* “um…why did you send this to me?” Jeremy looked at the tiny nokia that was held to his face. “Huh? I never sent you any-” his face dusted with red from the kinky song played through the head phones. “What the- I thought I was sending it to my girlfriend!? How’d you get it?” I sighed and explained the mishap with the phone number of Jeremy’s girlfriend and my own. “Don’t you remember? She gave me her phone because of a weirdo who kept stalking her- oh wait that would be you.” It was true Jeremy and Gracie had broken up and she moved on to Brian, a tall but sweet guy who had an eye on her since first grade. “So? It’s not like she hated me” Jeremy was so egoistic and it made me sick to see him hide his true self behind a mask. “Why do you do that to yourself?” Jeremy gave me those confused eyes that harmed my soul even more. He was always clueless about my thoughts and never understood why I would be that way, in other words he never listened to a word I said. *flinch* I grabbed my chest and felt the twinge of pain that swept over my paper-like heart, I had that weird feeling that something bad was going to happen to him today animada was stirring something up for him and was giving me a final goodbye to my beloved friend. “No- please no he has so much to live for!” Jeremy was already two blocks ahead of me; he couldn’t hear me pleading for his life to be spared, until I screamed for him, “JEREMY RUN AWAY, FORGET ABOUT SCHOOL AND JUST RUN AWAY!!!!!!” I didn’t care if she killed anyone else but Jeremy was going through denial and had a whole life to find a girl he really liked. Jeremy knew about animada since we first met

He knew about her blood lust

Her evil eyes that glowed red during her kills

And for once he did what he was told and dashed far from me.


♥ ♥ ♥
I was sobbing on charley’s shoulder after giving her the story about our now deiced friend.

“What am I going to do now charley? He’s gone now!” charley was a very good friend of mine and apparently animada liked her aura: dark and misunderstood (I guess this explains why she hasn’t killed me yet) “Aww come on Eddy he had it coming to him, Gracie moved on a long time ago and he was living in the past just let him go” Charley was the only person who understood my little battle with the demon who killed the ones dearest to me. “Look we have to get to school now and we don’t want anyone to think it was you, so let’s go.”


School felt like a long ways today maybe I was still feeling the guilt of killing my friend or maybe it was the sickening feeling I’ve had since the beginning of her hunt? It was hard to comprehend the weird thought of blood spilling in my hands at the time of death for Jeremy Brooks his family never mourned for him because he wasn’t part of them. You see Jeremy was an orphan the day he was born he was given to different families because of his bright red hair and pale blue eyes, because of this he was made into a trouble maker and given to society at an early age of thirteen; given the legal right my mother gave him the support he needed to come out alive in the cruel world. (Yea right)


While I was imagining the expression on my mother’s face (when she finds out about Jeremy), a boy walked by my seat on the bus. I noticed how he stopped for a moment before sitting down on the right seat in my row. It was so weird how ‘she’ reacted to his aura, “hey girl who is that cutie over there?” ‘I don’t know I think he’s new’ “well don’t just sit there like an idiot go ask him” she sounded desperate to know this guy, where have I seen that face?......I know I’ve seen that face before.  
PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:40 pm
It's very short... and I'm a little confused... is there something you wrote that came before this?

Other than that, it's very catchy, but I think you need to describe a little more to make sure the reader knows what's going on. I was a little confused, and it switched topics very fast.

Other than that, I loved it! Very catchy idea. Great job! Keep writing!  

Dreamweaver38


Marshmallow Crescendo

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:48 pm
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INDENTATIONS. First paragraph is much too clustered. There shouldn't be more than one person speaking in a single paragraph. Also, more explanations. More periods/commas, too many exclamation points.
Capitalization is also extremely important.

Sorry for being blunt x.x but in my extremist grammar nazi eyes, this writing needs to be sent to a serious proofreading camp.
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