Role-Play: Literate Sample

[[The Emo]]

Alfie sat in the Spacious, furnished office which presented a city view.
He was fufilling his job duties, as Vice-President.
At that precise moment, he was running coded message's through the Lap-top to the Prime-Minister of England.

When. . .

The lap-top screen was bombarded with a strange symbol X_X.
Alfie sat Up, and grumbled at this Error.
He attempted some Virus Programs. . .
What Did Not give a clear calculation to the current Problem.

He figured, that he should fufill what the computer has pushed him to;
And that was click on the symbol's smothered across the screen.
A moment's silence Followed. . .
 

[[The Emo]]

Ok, The point of this thread is;
To compare & Improve thread's with this Sample.

Post' your Post's.
Compare english features;
And write this sample & Your own post's
Improvements!  

[Ame Yuki Kaze]

Hexagon Hooligan

Alfie sat in the Spacious, furnished office which presented a city view.
He was fufilling his job duties, as Vice-President.
At that precise moment, he was running coded message's through the Lap-top to the Prime-Minister of England.

When. . .

The lap-top screen was bombarded with a strange symbol X_X.
Alfie sat Up, and grumbled at this Error.
He attempted some Virus Programs. . .
What Did Not give a clear calculation to the current Problem.

He figured, that he should fufill what the computer has pushed him to;
And that was click on the symbol's smothered across the screen.
A moment's silence Followed. . .

My version:

Shinobi 1977 sat in the spacious, furnished office which presented a city view. She was fulfilling her duties as Vice President. At that precise moment, she was running coded messages through her laptop to the President of the United States.

When...

The laptop's screen was bombarded with a strange symbol. X_X Shinobi 1977 sat up and grumbled at this error... She attempted to use some virus programs, which did not give a clear answer to the current problem.

She figured that she should fulfull what the computer had pushed her to, which was to click on the symbols splattered across the screen. A moment's silence followed...  

[[The Emo]]

Very Similar;
Just a diffrent layout, your being more correc.

I just make the Text, Look tidy.
 

[[.Cold.As.Ice.]]

Shinobi 1977

Hexagon Hooligan

Alfie sat in the Spacious, furnished office which presented a city view.
He was fufilling his job duties, as Vice-President.
At that precise moment, he was running coded message's through the Lap-top to the Prime-Minister of England.

When. . .

The lap-top screen was bombarded with a strange symbol X_X.
Alfie sat Up, and grumbled at this Error.
He attempted some Virus Programs. . .
What Did Not give a clear calculation to the current Problem.

He figured, that he should fufill what the computer has pushed him to;
And that was click on the symbol's smothered across the screen.
A moment's silence Followed. . .

My version:

Shinobi 1977 sat in the spacious, furnished office which presented a city view. She was fulfilling her duties as Vice President. At that precise moment, she was running coded messages through her laptop to the President of the United States.

When...

The laptop's screen was bombarded with a strange symbol. X_X Shinobi 1977 sat up and grumbled at this error... She attempted to use some virus programs, which did not give a clear answer to the current problem.

She figured that she should fulfull what the computer had pushed her to, which was to click on the symbols splattered across the screen. A moment's silence followed...

My Version;

Fyre was sat in the spacious, well-furnished office, which presented him a widespread city view. He was fulfilling his job duties as Vice-President;
At that precise moment, he was running coded messages through the laptop to the Prime-Minister of England;

When..

The Laptop screen was bombarded with a strange symbol; ' x_x '
Fyre sat up and grumbled at this error.
He attempted some anti-virus programs, which did not give a clear calculation the current problem.

He figured out that he should fulfill what the computer wished him to do;
And that was to click on the symbol's clustered across the screen.
A moments silence followed..  

[Ithaya]

Hexagon, I want to know, do you actually not know how to use capitals and punctuation, or do you just type like that for some unknown reason?
I'm sorry, but your posts annoy me even more than a lot of 'txt tlk' ones.


Angel sat in the open, sparsely furnished office which presented a wide view of the city. She was fulfilling her duties as vice president. At that precise moment, she was running coded messages through her laptop to the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Suddenly, the laptop's screen was bombarded with a strange symbol -- X_X. Angel shifted her position and grumbled at the error. After attempting to resolve it with virus software, she figured there wasn't much she could do.

She resigned to do what the computer had pushed her to, and clicked on one the symbols splattered across the screen. A moment's silence followed...



That's using your basic structure. To take the story and write my own completely, I'd write:

Sitting in the vice-president's office 10 Downing Street, Angel glanced accross the mass of cream-coloured carpet to the large window showing the spread of London city. She was tapping idly at the keys of her laptop, forwarding the coded messages to the Prime Minister. Her eyes slid over the scrolling text, barely seeing.
Beeeeeeeep.
Her eyes focused immediately and she shifted her position, suddenly alert. She attempted to load up some virus programs, glaring at the multitude of 'X_X' symbols scattered across the screen as she grumbled at her luck. She gave up on the software as they failed to load, and made a last attempt with the 'ctrl+alt+del' which resulted in absolutely nothing.
Sighing, she moved her mouse over one of the symbols. Hesitating a moment, she decided there was nothing else to do. Click.
Silence.
And then...

 

[aznspartan94]

My Version;

Fyre sat in his spacious, well-furnished office, which presented him a widespread city view. He was fulfilling his job duties as vice-president;
at that precise moment, he was running coded messages through the laptop to the Prime-Minister of England.

Suddenly...

The laptop screen was bombarded with a strange symbol; ' x_x '
Fyre sat up and grumbled at this strange error.
He attempted some top-of-the-line anti-virus programs, which did not give a clear calculation the current problem.

He figured out that he should fulfill what the computer wished him to do,
and that was to click on the symbols clustered across the screen.
A moments silence followed...  

[Doombringer50]

Doomby's Re-write

Alfie, the vice-president of an international security company, sat at a desk, typing away at his computer, the only piece of furniture in the entire room, save a lucious couch in the corner. Not to say it wasn't a good office. It was the second largest room in the glass building. The giant glass windows gave a feeling of triumph, as if you were a king, looking on from a magnificent palace overlooking a bluff over your kingdom, to make sure the watch was awake and the people were not being hunted or killed. Always worrying that they were and that your rein would end the next day... It was in the same fashion that Alfie looked out the window, to survey his kingdom, and see why he stayed all those long hours at the office. It's for them. He thought. At that moment, he was running coded messages through the lap-top to the Prime Minister of England. He was hoping that he could avert another great disaster to come with a single action on his part, hoping that no one would die on his account, hoping not to blow thousands on false information... No. He wouldn't let that happen...
Suddenly the laptop beeped that horrifying beep that chills you to the core, because you know that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. His eyes darted immediatly to the screen and noted a symbol he had seen just once, but he did not remember where... No. He kept his calm and tried to fix the error but the symbol had locked his computer so that he had to click on it. NO! So many lives counted on this. He clicked it as he thought: I won't let them die! Suddenly, everything went erily quiet. Even the gentle hum of the lights had dissapeared...