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 Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 7:25 pm
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Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 9:15 pm
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 3:28 pm
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2013 7:32 pm
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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2013 7:33 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 4:40 pm
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Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 12:23 pm
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Crits~
Approval pert-
Is there any particular reason she needs to hide her actual age? A student can be theoretically 10k+ years old but so long as they really are considered mentally teen range then it's fine. The word usage only implies she's mentally a teen and by implying it gives the impression that she in fact isn't..a teen.
Her reason for enrollment is..valid but highly convoluted.
"Shenny is fast, and fierce. And clearly, she loves fighting: in the middle of the battle she feels herself as a fish in the water, the madness around is her natural and comfortable environment. Though, as any person of the same kind, she would love to become stronger seeking better opponents. So, being clever enough, Shenny realizes she still needs training and learning, learning how her inner powers work, and how to control them, in the first place. Also, being passionate enough, Shenny desires communication. Being quite fragile inside, she needs people to talk to, as well as love, tender, romance, physical intercourse: everything other beings are up to."
Mostly it just espouses all these things she's apparently really good at and have a jumble of reasonings that follow no clear pattern. If she wants to get better then just say 'She wants to master her powers', if she wants to make friends then say that. By adding so much flourish I'm not sure what her real goal is and by that standard, I don't know really why she's enrolling.
FEAR- There is a lot of really... distracting information here. Both as a player and a GM. You want to be able to look at a FEAR attack and get what the attack is, and a very brief description of how it looks/works for your character. The more doesn't equal better rule. If you have a flavor text, its better placed in it's own section or, the attack very concisely summarized followed by anything else.
As stands, the effects read very elaborate for a y1 FEAR attack, visual or not. Not only does she suddenly get flames that 'fill' she sword, but they fill in ration to how strong her attack is, and they cover her arm, and are 'only decorative for now'. By having all this just for a y1 is very much running on elaborate and showy. I recommend toning it down to one visual effect- the flames are a theme and if you like the idea of them filling the blade then have them fill the blade to a certain point. As she gains years/xp, the blade gradually fills.
Think of everything from another player's perspective. If you're in a fight and just need X info, the more time you have to spend reading just to find the info the less you'll enjoy it. Summarize and limit. The more complex you make something, the more distracting it becomes.
Other-
Firstly, I can tell you've put a LOT of thought into this character, and while that's good, a lot that is written is flavor/distracting to actual points. While I nearly always say elaborate, there is a fine line between elaboration and being too elaborate. You've got so much information here that it's actually detrimental to me since points are being lost and reasons being lessened.
One big issue I notice however is the predetermined traits. Determining how other characters react to your own closes them off and makes reactions forced when the goal of a trait is more or open interpretation and flexibility. You can't predict how other character react to your own. Rather than 'On the first glance she is cold and serious in' having it as 'On the first glance she can seem cold and serious'
Avoid using 'always' and 'never'. Unless a trait is 100% that way no exceptions, then try to avoid wording it as such.
Also, she has almost no 'good' qualities. She's a 'b***h' and while that's fine... what makes her worth forming any relationship with? What makes a person want to be around her? What draws her empathy? Her emotions?
She also has apparently a lot of.. high skills. The quote box is rather filled with things with no apparent downside. For every skill or trait, there needs a balance. Characters are multifaceted, but by limiting yourself to only expressing this uber cool 'sexy, young, disciplined, refined, badass fighter, with infinite talent, clever, manipulative, ice cold, hidden, able to read ancient manuscripts' Etc etc. She has no drawbacks in her personality. It makes her seem flat and cliche, which runs against the detail you've very obviously put into her.
I would suggested narrowing your focus down into points
She is X, Y, Z
from there, expand how how each trait is both bane and boon, how each factor connects and builds.
NOTE:
Because you provide no info on her past- this is honestly a red flag as a GM. When a player purposely alludes to a shaky past yet provides no context to what the actual past is, it makes us a bit leery. Even if characters will not know this info, if it bears weight to the character and can possibly run counter to shop canon then please provide info! There is nothing wrong with having a hidden past ICly, but if that past isn't at least summarized to give context to both GMs and players, there is a risk that it might actually break shop canon or shop rules.
I hope this helps.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
Crew
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Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2014 2:02 pm
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Thank you very much for the advice! It's very, very useful and helped me to narrow her down and decide on the priorities. I reworked everything according to your guidelines: added the past and expanded the reasoning for the enrolment, and also amended the fear attack representation. Hope, that works now.
Here is the general plan I was trying follow:
1. Comes from very a poor and difficult background, wants to get a high position in society and would try to use any chance she's given.
2. Cold, closed, relies on herself, doesn't trust others. Would try to use them and make good connections, but is, in fact, very naive and lacks experience.
3. Tries to act cool, which might attract someone. Though, she lacks social background, so doesn't understand others well, and may often end up in awkward situations. |
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Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 7:11 am
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Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2014 5:45 pm
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BASIC CHARACTER KIT WHAT DO I DO NEXT Welcome to This is Halloween! Congratulations! Your character has passed the enrollment process and you're cleared to begin playing. Essentially, this means you can get your art certed, make your character's journal, and most importantly start RPing. If you're a little lost then don't worry, this guide is here to point you in the right direction. gaia_crown [ Art Check! ]: - Do you have your character's art? Great! Move onto the next crown. - If you do NOT yet have your art, you may now contact your artist and let them know that they may now start on creating your character! gaia_crown [ Certs & Emblems ]: - If your character is a STUDENT, you may create a customized student pin for them. This is entirely optional (but fun!) special badge that is unique to your character's design! You can find more information about pins (also known as their emblem) here. - Hallowen characters (Students & Horsemen) may bet their character certed here! - Hunters may get their certs here! gaia_crown [ Creating a Journal ]: - A journal is a thread where you can keep track of your character's accomplishments, RPs, progress, relationships, etc! - All HALLOWEEN characters (Students & Horsemen) may create one here! - All Hunters may create one here! gaia_crown [ Let's RP! ]: - Don't be shy about RPing! As soon as your character has been enroll approved you can start! Check out this awesome information about The World of Halloween and Amityville Academy. All students start off in Amityville academy. Need more things to do? Check out this whole subforum! Anything labelled Activity is open for you! Occasionally GMs will promote and open CLASSROOM orps. These usually happen in the classroom subforum. All students are invited to participate! - If you are a Hunter, you will want to read the Hunter Newbie Guide Occasionally GMs will promote and open MISSION orps. These usually happen in the main Deus subforum and be followed by a guild announcement. All Hunters are invited to participate! - If you are a Horsemen, please refer to here and the handy links in the first post as well as the other posts for concurrent and quest information! Need more things to do? Check out this whole subforum! Anything labelled Activity is open for you! Occasionally GMs will promote and open CLASSROOM orps. These usually happen in the classroom subforum. All Horsemen are invited to participate! gaia_crown [ What's happening currently? ]: - We try to keep all important things happening regularily updated in the ANNOUNCEMENTS THREAD. This goes for ALL FACTIONS. Have a question? Ask it in the Q & A ! gaia_crown [ Still feeling a little lost or overwhelmed? That's okay! ]: - Check out what was just mentioned in FULL DETAIL HERE! Don't be too overwhelmed, there's time to sort everything out. For now, just enjoy some simple RP! gaia_crown [ Finding RP ]: - There's a bunch of ways to find RP. You can just contact a friend or any shop regular OR one of our available GMS for help! Otherwise, there are a lot of people looking to plot with YOU in their plotting threads! You can even make your own and advertise in your sig/ in the main thread/ etc etc! - In addition any thread marked ORP is open for you to join! - If you ever feel lost as a newbie, our many GMs are more than happy to one on one RP with you to help your character get acquainted. Send a PM to WE ARE HALLOWEEN and we can get you started this way as well. Otherwise, enjoy immersing yourself in the many RPS in TiH! It is all about discovery after all! |
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