((again Sol is an Adol))

Sol wondered where to start. He had a lot of different thing that he hated about himself and he hated about others. Since he was young he had held back talking and let his actions speak for him. Now he had a chance to talk about whatever he wanted to. It was hard to pick something though. One idea in a sea of many more. Ajani was probably the least likely for him to talk to. In fact the only reason he was here was to yell at Ajani for being with his sister.

So much had happened in such a short time. Ajani had entertained him and then said he would listen to him. That was something Sol needed more than anything. Someone to sit down with and talk to. To share his real feelings with. Most of the time he spent his pretending everything was fine, wearing his 'mask' but here he would be able to confess all his different feelings. Ajani had promised to keep what they talked about secret. He intended to make sure that it happened.

“I don't know where to start. I have... a lot of problems.” Sol admitted. He knew that some of his problems would seem so vain, but there were some issues he had that he felt could shock anyone around him. “How do other usually start?”

It was an odd, for Ajani that Sol-Lucius wanted his help. He was certain that there had to be another cheetah in the pride he was close to. Ajani thought that closeness was Sol was avoiding. Maybe someone distant from Sol was what he wanted. Someone who didn't know him as well. “Well Sol, this is my first attempt at doing something like this. Your guess at where to start is as good as mine.” He said with a shrug.

“Maybe you could start with the root of your problem. Is there something or someone upsetting you?” Ajani asked. Sol was so emotionally driven. When he was mad he showed it on his face. He had heard of the young cheetah's temper. Ajani wondered if there was a reason for the temper.

“Now we can't talk for too long. I do have other duties other than being your baby sitter.” Ajani said with a joking voice. He did have other jobs though. If needed he wouldn't mind spending more time with Sol, to figure out his problems. He was young once, and he knew what it was like to not have anyone listen.

Where it all started? He had always been angry, as long as he could remember. His memory faded after he arrived at 'Nera. The life he lived in the rogue land was all distorted. When he talked to his siblings about it, they saw their mother as a wonderful cheetah, where he saw her as a monster. There father on the other hand, he saw as a warrior. He wasn't perfect of course, but he was someone to look up to.

His father. That's where it all started, he remembered. He was sure of it. That's where his anger came from, his desire to fight and his blood lust. He wouldn't mention that part to Ajani. There were somethings that he would keep to himself forever. This was one of them.

“My father. I want to talk about him.” He shifted his paws uncomfortably. “He hated us, all us cubs. I remember that part. But I wanted to impress him, so much. He was a fighter and hunter. Every day he would bring us dinner and have prizes he won from getting into fights with other cheetahs and sometimes lions. It made me want to be like him. But I could never be as good as him. Qay is a better fighter than I am and now Rada has been promoted.”

Ajani nodded his head. Father issues. That was something he lacked. He was glad with just his mother. “Your father doesn't sound like the kind of guy that you should want to impress. He sounds like a jerk to me. Are you still trying to become like him even now after you haven't seen him in years?”

Until recently, Ajani had no one to impress, but now he had Rada. He wanted to show her that he was much more than just a handsome and graceful cheetah. Sol needed to prove to himself that he was more than just a fighter. His whole world was focused on it.

“What was it about your father that made you want to be like him?” Ajani asked next. He thought asking questions would help Sol. Instead of just listening, he could help figure out his problems. He had no idea how he would help, but thought it was worth a try anyways.

“He was a jerk, but he still was strong. He took what he wanted and didn't care what others did.” Sol said with a shrug. He had never wanted to become his father, he just wanted to impress his father. The blood lust he felt during a fight came from him, he was sure of it. Had he passed it through blood or was it just Sol determination to have his father be proud of him? He would never know. “I never felt a special attachment toward him or my mother, but for some reason I wanted my father to say 'you are a good fighter' or at least prove to him that I wasn't worthless.”

He could barely remember his father, but her remembered that word. Worthless, disappointed. Those were the words his father had called him. They stuck with him, and he wanted to prove that he had worth, that he could be just as good of fighter like his father. He just needed the chance to prove himself.

He hesitated. “My father would come home with new scars and blood on his fur. It was hardly ever his own blood though. He told me once that he loved seeing the sight of blood on an opponent, seeing their eyes glaze over with death.” Sol didn't want to continue, he had decided not to. However he had to say it. “I have had moments during fights where I wanted to hurt them and sometimes kill them. It's not even fights outside the pride, but just training. It doesn't matter who I am fighting either.”

Ajani listened. He wasn't sure what to say at first. “You shouldn't have kept that to yourself for so long. If you would have told someone earlier they could have helped you. I honestly don't know what you should do, other than maybe stop fighting. It sounds like it is dangerous for you to do. Instead why don't you do a different rank? With some training, you wouldn't be a bad entertainer. Or a merchant. A couple of your other siblings took that rank correct?”

He had never felt like that way before. The thought of wanting to hurt another was completely odd to him. That was one of the reasons he became a entertainer instead. “You should find someone else to be proud of you. There are so many members of the pride who are already proud of you, that it wouldn't be hard to find someone to believe in you, and that you want them to believe in you. I know your sister is always cheering for you to succeed, even if you do ignore her from time to time.”

“I didn't think anyone would understand. I don't even think you understand. The desire can drive me crazy. Sometimes it is the only thought I have in my head. Luckily I am usually out on missions and can go after some prey and get it over with. But if I got the desire here in the pride. I could hurt someone. I don't want to do that.” He said, putting his head against his paws.

“I couldn't do a different rank. I would just fail at it. Fighting is all I know how to do.” He said. “I have no other skills. My fighting skills aren't even that good. Others can easily beat me. Have you ever wanted to be good at something and not be able to reach? It is so frustrating. Whenever I fail, I just think of my father reminding me that I am a pathetic, worthless. Failure.” He did feel a bit calmer letting his thoughts out. He thought he would have been pissed off, but having someone to talk to made things a lot easier.

“I spent most of my time at 'Nera feeling like a failure. I took up entertaining because I was horrible at everything else. I even ended up being a terrible dancer.” Ajani explained. “I had to practice so much to get to the same level as others who hardly ever practiced. Even now, I see natural dancers and I cannot help but be jealous of them because they have it so easy.”

“The thing you need is confidence. You can learn anything if you believe in yourself. Trust me. But if you stay as a fighter just make sure you keep yourself and others safe. You need something real to fight for, not your father, but something that will make you want to fight without killing unless you need to.” He knew that killing was part of the pride. Someone like Sol who could be taught to not care for the lives of others could be a valuable asset. However, Ajani was sure that it wasn't healthy for Sol to think like that.

“Perhaps we can do this more often. I feel that we hardly have talked, yet we have talked about a lot of major things. I have a meeting later, but tomorrow I have some free time. If you are interested come here around the same time. We will talk some more.” Ajani thought that talking would be the best thing for Sol. There was much more to the cocky fighter than he thought. He wondered what else he would uncover from their conversations.

It was hard to believe Ajani had a hard time with being an entertainer. He was so good. Sol got to see that first hand experience. “What about your singing. How did you learn how to do that?” Sol said with a roll of his eyes. There was no way anyone taught him that. It sounded to beautiful, too natural. “And I don't have anyone. I have no friends. Only you and my family. And I will never be close to my family. How does it feel to be closest to a monster? Wonderful huh?” He said more jokingly than anything.

This talking had helped him. That was obvious. “Alright. We can meet up again. As long as this keeps up I'll let you get the opportunity to be in my company. Who knows, maybe we can get Rada jealous, and get her with you quicker. I misjudged you. You aren't as big of a jerk that I thought you were. You two wouldn't be too terrible together.”

“You're not a monster, trust me.” Ajani said with a laugh. He got up and headed out. “But you could become a monster if you allow yourself to stay so closed. Keep your heart open. You will see wonderful things will happen. There are people who love you, who do not want to see you become a monster that your father was. I believe that you are meant for so much more.”

He gave Sol a nod. “Until next time. I should have more time to spend with you tomorrow. And for the record, I don't think Rada is the type to get jealous.” He said with a wink before he headed out. There was much work to do with the young cheetah. He would do everything he could to help Sol, but he knew he could only do so much before Sol needed to help himself. For now though they would word together to get progress made. He was amused by the fact that he was the closest to Sol outside his family. It was something he wanted to change. Sol needed others in his life.

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