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Moving Out Advice

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ShadowedXHunted

Mega Phantom

PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 3:23 am
Hey ya'll...

Sorry I am posting here for my troublesome situation.. But I want to get to know my guild and the people in it, ontop of that I don't have anyone else to go to, so I really need some guidance, spiritually or just morally....

I am twenty (20) years old. I need guidance because my parents never gave it to me. I have been living under my Fathers roof since I was born, and I have no contact with my mother.
I have developed a temper that isn't right to have. I am working really hard on ridding myself from it, but my father, the origin of where it came from, has not been supportive nor understanding.

This is where I que in that my girlfriend is also living with us, whether or not he wanted this was never really discussed, it just sort of happen. She needed a place to go to after we got together for reasons and I happen to be with my Dad so..

Now mind you, my Father owes me much. He put my credit in a bad state and I am lucky to own a car right now... I have been through so much and well, last night there was another ruckus in the house primarily from me. I got annoyed with the gf and over-reacted and I didn't mean to, I even said sorry afterward..

Well my Farther attempted to kick her out, when I told him it wasn't necessary that it was me who did the action. Well that didn't satisfy him and I told him well if she has to leave I will too.

I went to discuss with my GF the current situation and he bangs on our door "You can stay but if it happens again I'll call the ******** cops." and left it at that.

Now I am sitting in mc'donalds public wi-fi cafe as my gf is at work and I work the graveyard shift mind you, so we both got jobs.....

We decided it's time to move out.. My Farther has been so supportive in my life and has gotten me so much, I feel guilty for leaving him, as if he doesn't want us to, but I am not sure.. I think he wants us to go.. My gf says he does... But I feel like he doesn't... Now I am stuck and don't know what to do... I am not home right now cause I don't want him to tell me how bad I am all day without my girlfriend there to support me..

Can someone please give me some assistance?  
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 9:12 pm
This is really a choice you have to make.

But this is what I would do if I were in your situation (off of the information you have given me so far):
I would ask my Father do you want me to move out?
If he says yes and you feel you have a strong relationship with your girlfriend and have the finances I would go for it
(its hard to live on your own if you don't have at least two working adults in the house, so you would want your girlfriend to be with you or have a friend willing to roommate if things suddenly change between you both)

If he says no, then I would stay but ask what I could do to make the situation better, doing more house chors? following guidelines he sets
if he sees you are making effort/change I would think him more likely to be in a good mood about you living there, if he doesn't give out any outright guidelines pay attention to his behavior and what upsets him or he seems to find annoying and do what you can to reduce those things
sometimes it doesn't take much to make a difference

If he gives a non-yes or no reply, then I would stay and play things by ear
this could mean that he wants you to stay but the situation is getting more uncomfortable lately so I would follow up with as if he said he didn't want you to move out and see what you can do to make things better

And no matter what he said I would find a anger management group in my area and use the car to go to regular meetings if you already hadn't (or at least see what they had to provide)
I would look into getting low cost therapy if possiable, I would get self-help books on anger management from a used book store preferable with exercises and internalize them, try different methods to help control my temper and not letting it control me
I would say daily affirmations in the mirror for confidence and calm (i would try meditation focusing on bringing yourself inner calm, peace and strength, i would find guides for this online)
Find an activity that helped me calm down or relax and before my anger/frustration from the daily grind or other people got to high I would take the time to do this activity if only for half an hour to get myself straight it can be anything from sitting in your car in a random parking lot for a bit before you go home while listening to your Ipod to playing a certain video game or running around the block
I would communicate to my Father that I didn't like the way he talked to me, I would put up my guard and stand up for myself when needed be but not in a aggressive way just letting him know your their I'm not communicating to you right now because your just being unkind and I don't need to listen to it (this takes practice)
when my father got mad I would do what I could to not feed off of his anger just because he gets angry and he is trying in a way to make you angry to you don't have to reflect his feelings and instead try to think things out logically and not take things personally but he is just saying things out of anger
When dealing with something like this its helpful to have a support group who you can call and vent to, who can give you a hug when you need it, this can be just your girlfriend or relatives/friends to be their and supportive/understand
And I feel I should let you know I have no personal experience with dealing with Anger Management
but in the end it does all come down to you and its your choice whatever you decide to do
But whatever happens I wish you good luck.

(sorry for the wall of text)  


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ShadowedXHunted

Mega Phantom

PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 2:01 am
Thank you. That was a longer reply than I even hoped to get so I am grateful. I plan on taking this advice and putting it into good use. I never even thought about kindly asking him like you said you would.

Thanks so much!

Musical_Vampire_Socks
This is really a choice you have to make.

But this is what I would do if I were in your situation (off of the information you have given me so far):
I would ask my Father do you want me to move out?
If he says yes and you feel you have a strong relationship with your girlfriend and have the finances I would go for it
(its hard to live on your own if you don't have at least two working adults in the house, so you would want your girlfriend to be with you or have a friend willing to roommate if things suddenly change between you both)

If he says no, then I would stay but ask what I could do to make the situation better, doing more house chors? following guidelines he sets
if he sees you are making effort/change I would think him more likely to be in a good mood about you living there, if he doesn't give out any outright guidelines pay attention to his behavior and what upsets him or he seems to find annoying and do what you can to reduce those things
sometimes it doesn't take much to make a difference

If he gives a non-yes or no reply, then I would stay and play things by ear
this could mean that he wants you to stay but the situation is getting more uncomfortable lately so I would follow up with as if he said he didn't want you to move out and see what you can do to make things better

And no matter what he said I would find a anger management group in my area and use the car to go to regular meetings if you already hadn't (or at least see what they had to provide)
I would look into getting low cost therapy if possiable, I would get self-help books on anger management from a used book store preferable with exercises and internalize them, try different methods to help control my temper and not letting it control me
I would say daily affirmations in the mirror for confidence and calm (i would try meditation focusing on bringing yourself inner calm, peace and strength, i would find guides for this online)
Find an activity that helped me calm down or relax and before my anger/frustration from the daily grind or other people got to high I would take the time to do this activity if only for half an hour to get myself straight it can be anything from sitting in your car in a random parking lot for a bit before you go home while listening to your Ipod to playing a certain video game or running around the block
I would communicate to my Father that I didn't like the way he talked to me, I would put up my guard and stand up for myself when needed be but not in a aggressive way just letting him know your their I'm not communicating to you right now because your just being unkind and I don't need to listen to it (this takes practice)
when my father got mad I would do what I could to not feed off of his anger just because he gets angry and he is trying in a way to make you angry to you don't have to reflect his feelings and instead try to think things out logically and not take things personally but he is just saying things out of anger
When dealing with something like this its helpful to have a support group who you can call and vent to, who can give you a hug when you need it, this can be just your girlfriend or relatives/friends to be their and supportive/understand
And I feel I should let you know I have no personal experience with dealing with Anger Management
but in the end it does all come down to you and its your choice whatever you decide to do
But whatever happens I wish you good luck.

(sorry for the wall of text)
 
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