[Journal] No, NVM.

[Fuit Gummy]

Journal Intro

→ Basic Info
Hello~! My name is Tori, but please just call me by my username. =A=;
I'm 18 years old and have the mentality of a child, not literally. I just laugh at bananas
and sausages. I'm definitely not a happy person and I'm always debating if I'm realistic or
just crazy. If anyone has the stomach to read this, you'll definitely notice I'll ramble
about nonsense. By the way, I'm a very negative person.

→ Why Bother?
I've decided to tell the whole internet, full of strangers and trolls, about my life
because I realized that I no longer have an outlet for. . . Anything? Normally, I don't tell
anyone anything about my personal life, but now I'm just messed up-- I think. My life, now,
is extremely boring. So why wait for it to get boring just to tell the story? Simply put, I'm terrified
at the thought of actually talking/writing to people. I can't stand “criticism”. It kills me.
Plus, I'm so goddamn lonely...

→ What Will I Write About?
Like I've said, my life is boring. So, I'll mostly be writing about the past and about memories,
dreams, feelings, and things that keep me up at night. I will post about my life now-a-days, if anything
remotely amazing happens. I doubt it. My view will be very negative and based on my opinions
and emotions, so if I offend-- Oops? I'm not intending to. I guess in some ways, this is my
life's rantings. If you lot want, I'll try to say something at least once a week? Might be cryptic,
might change names, might get some kool aid.

→ We Gon' Be Gettin' Deep
If you've read all that, I must congratulate you. Lmao. Like I've saaaaid, I will be
very sad/angry, writing about my history-- As how I remember. If anyone actually does
read this and feels like I've been getting weighty or feels like I'm in trouble, you can contact me or
just leave comments. I can't recognize me being in trouble and me reminiscing anymore-- so, go for it.

Message or Comment

 

[Fuit Gummy]

Journal #1

→ First Things First
As my first post and look inside my mind, I've decided to tell you all how I got to where
I am today. Meaning, where I am, why I feel how I do, why I might be crazy, ect.

[NOTE: It's a little lengthy and not well put together-- slightly cryptic and very blunt. If you need me to clarify, let me know.]
____________________________________________________________
For as long as I can remember, I've been sad. Not just sad, but depressed. Imagine being a 6 year
old girl who wakes up feeling like no one, anywhere loves her or ever will. That sucked. No one
really knew what was wrong with me. Well, wrong with my head. They all knew what was wrong
but no one wanted to speak up and take responsibility. Mental illness runs
on both sides of my family. Everyone was debating if I was born depressed,
bipolar, autistic, schizophrenic or just messed up because my dad lost his
thyroid gland and wasn't supposed to be able to have kids.

Honestly, even I don't know. All that mattered to me was the fact that I was a heartbroken little kid.

My parents, as cruel as they were back then, forced me to get up and go to school. They knew
that I was bullied severely, but did nothing to help with it. My entire life, pretty much all my 18
years, I have been attacked for unknown reasons. For as long as I can remember. Am I too hideous
to be seen in public? Have I said something that makes everyone hate me? Did I do something that
makes them want to bruise my skin? What have I done wrong? It was always my fault. It had to be.
Being harassed-- physically and mentally-- outside of my home, made me a clam. Simply put.
I don't trust anyone, I don't make friends, I don't try, I don't open easily. And, just like a clam, if you're
lucky,
I might have a pearl. Or, maybe, I'll just have been torn open. “Friends” have
never been there for me, when someone would come up to my face and do something-- they'd laugh. Laughing at me.
Laugh at me while I fought back tears and smiled back at them. I'm just fine.

At home, things were no better. My family obviously hated, and maybe hates me today.
For as long as I can remember. My parents took turns in hurting me. My mom, scarred me mentally
and forced her fears of the world into me. My dad, taught me not to cry by beating the s**t out
of me every time I did. My little brother, their pet. Everytime I went for help, he'd tell them-- and
they would come after me. My sister, their second favorite. At first, she was no help. Having
some kind of superior complex over the rest of us.
(She is on my profile, please do not contact her about this, OK?)
Overtime, that changed. But, I'll hold that in for later. When I was younger,
still in elementary school, my parents would allow my bipolar aunt to watch
over us, meaning my siblings and cousins. She, not only being bipolar, was a drunk. Even when I was with another
family member, I couldn't get away from being force-fed how worthless I am. Now, thats all I can
imagine myself as. I can't accept a compliments, because for 18 years all anyone has told me
is that I am the definition of nothing. If your own blood tells you this for so long, doesn't that mean
it's true?

Today, after all that, I've become nothing. I've suppressed a lot of my
memories. It's the only way I know how to cope with pain. I'm too afraid to
leave the house, people cannot be trusted.
I have panic attacks being outside or around too many people for a period of time. I've dropped out
of public school to do the Pheonix Program. (Kind of like homeschool, but you go to a public school
once a week for about an hour just to pick up a week's worth of work...
You know what? Go Google it!) I've lost all contact with my “friends” and other people from the past.
I can't sleep anymore, not even with my medication-- I just lay in bed for hours letting thoughts race
in my mind. I have anti-depressants, there's a story in that too, that don't work. And I go upstairs
whenever someone comes home. I don't have much to do upstairs, so I literally just wait for people to
go to bed. All I do now-a-days, is sit in my house, where it's safe and quiet. Where no one can come
up to me and tell me what is what. Where I am lonely and where I sit, empty and forcing a smile.
But, at least I'm alone.

“I like being alone.
Or at least, I've convinced myself I'm better off that way.” - House


So ends my blunt version of the jist of my life. XD
Oof, that's a lot to read back. . . . Sorry some of it makes no sense. That's
just how my mind works. x__x;;
Like I said, need clarification? Lemme know. JUST KNOW THAT I WILL CLARIFY
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT HOME AND SCHOOL IN OTHER POSTS.

PS- Yes, if anyone read this, you can comment.

~Bro

Something has come up and I no longer wish
to tell everyone my sob story of a life.

 

[Isis Sister Of Osiris]

emotion_hug