[lanamoonberries]

Premade Ref

Dear zoo, Please feel free to give this character to someone else, It appears criticizing me makes me hate myself more  

[kuropeco]

lanamoonberries

Hey there! Congrats on winning biggrin

You've got a good start; I think a bit of tweaking could be good to really get her to a great point. C:

Race: First off I see you've listed her race as a necromancer! This is totally doable, but I just wanted to point out that based on her appearance and the fact that she's an ice reaper, she actually seems like she might be much more applicable as an elemental mage:

Quote:

Mage::

Common Desc: Mages are reapers who can invoke powerful spells related to the four elements of air, earth, wind, and fire. Mages use these basic elements to create storms, blizzards, and lightning bolts. Young mages must master the basics first before being allowed to do any of the more interesting things. Mages can also create elemental creatures to do their bidding.
Natural Ability:
Elemental Summon: creates an elemental creature that does their bidding.
Elemental Affinity: Rather than dabbling in all elements, some Mages focus on one of the four elements and specialize in it. They work exclusively with this element, shunning the other elements. As a result, their spells in this particular element are much stronger. If they attempt to use a spell outside of their specialization, however, that spell is much weaker.

If you want to keep her as a necromancer, that's totally fine, I just thought I'd suggest this as well; you might have fun with it!

Nat Ability: I'll leave off critiquing her Natural Ability for now until you decide which one to go for and instead move onto a few personality tidbits!

Personality: I think it's just a little preemptive to say that she has no friends! She might have no friends now, having just entered the school, but it's definitely possible for her to make friends once she gets here!

Her personality seems just a little all over the place; it might be best to try and narrow down the key elements:

1) She's mothering, that's a great trait right there! Despite her young age, she tries to help others, which is all fine! Coming into Amityville, however, she's going to be on the younger spectrum of students; how might she deal with the students that are older than her / students who don't bully her?

2) The "breaking" people doesn't really make much sense with the mothering trait - this is a pretty intense thing, from what I gather? She pushes and pushes and manipulates people with their own secrets until they "break," but this contradicts her standing up to the bullies, as you've previously stated, since it makes her a bully too. Being hypocritical is a very interesting trait and can totally be worked in, but this particular way you've said it really makes her out to be quite mean, which I don't think you intended. Also what happens when the person she's trying to glean information from doesn't break?

3) Being physically active is fine but just so you know, most Y1 students start off not all that strong! She can be physically adept, and agile, but just be aware that Y1 student stats are pretty low compared to the upper level students!

4) High-achieving is also fine, but you said she has "a small, light blue fuzz ball" that sits on her shoulders. Reapers can have a weapon OR a familiar, and your reaper actually already comes with a weapon (the hula hoop in her hands), which means she can't have a familiar!

5) Being socially awkward is a great trait, but again, try not to base things around having no friends yet, since she's just barely starting out! C:

Her reason for attending Amityville is pretty simple, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, though another GM might add something!


Fear Attack: Unfortunately your FEAR attack is a little too overpowered right now, and it's got several things going on all at once. The best thing to do would be to decide whether you want her FEAR to be defensive or offensive. From the looks of things, it seems like you'd like it to be offensive - so next step would be to look over the FEAR Guide and pick a FEAR mechanic that matches what you're looking for!

For example: if you want her to be able to send icy waves towards her opponent, that could work well with the Swift Strikes mechanic, since Swift Strikes is a repetitive attack! Sending small shards of ice towards an opponent would also work with Swift Strikes!

You've got some really interesting points so far; she just needs a little work to get her up a bit! C: If you have any questions, feel free to ask me or any of the other GMs! Hopefully this will help you a little! <3  

[Aazhie]

I agree with the above critiques, especially the 'no friends' aspect? It's a reasonable ice themed trait to be aloof, but I think in an RP heavy shop, it's making your development harder by having a really anti-social character. I think introvert characters are very fun and interesting, but even introverts can be social and have friends. Loner characters are hard to make interactive, in my experience.

I'm also wondering: if she doesn't like being called tiny, perhaps she might not wear a tutu because to me, it seems a bit cute and suggestive of child-like clothing, which would make her seem all the smaller and likely to get her poked fun at? Not that she can't just go for it, but is she is self-conscious of that sort of thing, she might dress to look bigger or tougher?  

[lanamoonberries]

thanks