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Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:02 pm
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Just a Rush When I feel you I feel a rush, Of emotions from your touch. When I look, I feel a hook, of pain. When we touch, I feel better, but when we press our lips together, I feel pain. For, You belong to someone else, and what we're doing is wrong. So go, It's just a rush. I'll be sitting here, But it's better here, because your with them. And I was just the stem, of your marvelous flower.
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Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 2:28 am
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I won't pretend to be good at poetry, because I'm not, but here's a couple of pointers:
1. You don't need punctuation at the end of each line, you can just leave it to run on (enjambment).
For example, here: 'When I feel you I feel a rush, Of emotions from your touch.' Would probably be better as: When I feel you I feel a rush Of emotions from your touch.' because 'when I feel you I feel a rush, of emotions from your touch' is grammatically incorrect, but 'when I feel you I feel a rush of emotions from your touch' is not.
Of course, there is a little thing called poetic liscence so it's up to you.
2. You appear to be using the rule of having a capital at the beginning of each line, but not using it at the same time. You have to choose one, because you shouldn't have a sentence with a capital in the middle of it (where there's not a proper noun) if you're not using that rule. Personally, I say without that.
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Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 4:57 pm
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Well, I'll say it bluntly, but it wasn't great. Wasn't bad either, but wasn't great. Ok, that out of the way, I only had two problems with the poem. One, was that you seemed to try and force your rhymes, rather than just let it keep going. The second, were the little lines. For example:
When I look, I feel a hook, of pain.
I found this cut into the flow of the poem way too much. It went nicely for the two first lines, and then blocked there. And you did that at a few parts.
Now, for the good news. I must say, you did have great imagery. I really did like the way you described most of the feelings and all that jazz.
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Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 7:22 am
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Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2006 3:53 pm
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Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:56 pm
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:48 am
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Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:59 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:50 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:50 am
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Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:34 pm
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 12:16 pm
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