She wasn’t good enough. No matter how much she tried it wasn’t good enough. Leev’s fists clenched in anger, her nails biting into her palms. It had been weeks and weeks since her encounter with the humans. It had been weeks and weeks since that silly defeat, since she’d thought she was so much better than she was. And what had it cost her?

Maybe nothing, in the long run, aside from a huge black-and-blue bruise to her pride. She was still here, after all. Unlike the one they’d taken. She had been told that loss wasn’t on her- it was their own fault for venturing too far alone, their own fault for being caught. That horseman’s brethren would deal with the matter, they had assured her. Yet she still felt it was her fault, somehow. She could have done something. She should have done something. She’d tried to…

With a great big sigh Leev let her hands relax and she sank down, her back curling as she hunched over her crossed legs to put her face in her hands. She’d taken on more than she had been able to handle- it was hard to admit, but it was the truth.

Pride. It had been her pride that had been the cause of it, and her pride that had been hurt. She’d been wrong to think she could handle that many worthless hunters. And she’d been wrong to think they were weak. Well, she KNEW she was stronger than they were individually, but three at once had been the mistake. She should have known they’d win. Perhaps she HAD known. It didn’t change that fact that losing angered her.

She was also angry because it made her feel stupid, which really only bruised her pride even more. Part of being a strong warrior was knowing when to quit. She’d clearly failed at that. She’d simply bitten off far too much for her to chew.

Leev’s jaw clenched, and the muscles in her shoulders began to shake as she fought the urge to scream. It was stupid. All of it. The fact she’d started that fight, the fact that she had lost, the fact that she’d had dwelled on it for so long.

Her hand shot out to the side and she grabbed her pillow from where it rested on the head of the bed. She buried her face in the thing (it was quite large and fluffy, thank you) and screamed. A scream of rage and frustration and self-pity. She screamed once, the muffled sound in her ears not nearly as satisfying as it could have been, then another time, because once was not enough. She was mad at herself. She was angry.

When the screaming was done, she simply sat, resting her head on her pillow and holding it up with her hands. Deep breathes, deep calming breathes…

This was unlike her. She’d been out of sorts since her return from the desert, and she knew it. Today…today was simply the culmination of those feelings. All the anger, frustration, self-pity, and shame- it had finally reached a point where she could not handle it any longer. It had tumbled her along in her head and she had finally hit a wall. She was done with it. It was time to let the feelings out, let the go and move on.

Setting her pillow to the side, Leev stood and moved towards her meditation corner. She had tried meditating on the subject before; she had tried to be calm. But she’d been so out of sorts the whole time it had been hard to calm herself. She would try again, now. She would retreat to the quiet in her mind and leave all those feelings be. She would move past this block in her existence.

She settled herself in. She needed to find herself, she needed to accept her failings and leave them behind. I was wrong, she told herself. I was wrong and I failed. I made a mistake. I cannot let it rule me any longer- I will learn from this mistake...

They were words she’d said to herself before. But something was different this time. It had finally grown and writhed and all the emotion was deep enough to drown in now, and it was trying to drag her under. But she had finally reached the surface, finally reached solid ground, and the emotions would not have her. The dam had broken, and Leev was ready accept all the had transpired, from her failure to her wallowing in it. She was going to accept it and let it run away from her, but it would not carry her away with it.

***
It was hours later that Leev stood that she emerged from her chamber of quiet and solitude. She felt better, but tired. Exhausted, really, emotionally at least. The hardest part had been admitting to herself that she had been wrong, and though she knew her feelings would try to consume her again, she would be wary of them, ready for them. She would watch and do her best not to lose her focus again.

“Failure is not the end,” she whispered as she stretched. “It is a new day, and it is a new time for me. I will learn and I will grow and I will hunt down those humans and tear hearts from their chests.”